Negating Boxing Day in South Africa

Salamu.

What happens when people take Boxing Day seriously?

I know I am writing this post rather belatedly, but I thought there would be far more entertainment at the cricket then a bunch of Old English bred Posh Twat jouno's who think that they are Gods Gift to the World. Anyway towards the close of an absorbing first day of the Boxing Day test in Durban, between South Africa and Sri Lanka, a MASSIVE scrap broke out on the grass embankment to the left of the press box.

These boys were going hell to leather at each other and the women were getting stuck in as well with a few well aimed high heels to the face. The phlange, of the law enforcement variety, eventually separated the fighters just as my mate who does plays the stadium music was starting to play the Lebanese National Anthem "Eye of the Tiger."

Soon thereafter one of the posh twat journalists who rash my balls says: "That to me is utterly disgusting! How dare they! There are never fights at Kingsmead!"

Really? Because every sporting event I have attended which involves alcohol results in fights! The Thundercats and Thunderkittens cant resist!

I have been going to top flight rugby every season since I was 16. And every time I was at Ellis Park there was a fight. And not small ones..... MASSIVE ones.

I bring up this subject because I am fast approaching 30 and am debating whether I want to have a celebration or let the event pass me by like a thief in the night.

The problem would be that there would probably be a scrap, and although I am always up for one, I would prefer to avoid it.

Either way I would love some gifts. And because it is a landmark birthday Im sure that I would not be out of line asking for more then 1 gift per individual. Below are some pics of presents of the clothing variety that I would like. All are available on the PunkCricket website. Ill supply postage details if requested. Shookrhan in advance.

A night on the tiles with Porgie

Salamu.

Hitting Fifa 12 on the PlayStation last night reminded me why I love football.

You all must think I am crazy and will be tempted to ask me if I realize that there are Billions of people in the world who share my passion. Yes i am aware of this, But I can count the number of South Africans who were brought up in Afrikaans homes and love football on one hand. It is a unique thing.

We digress. I just got the game and am playing practice matches before I take on a league season. My teams of choice were my two favorite English teams. The Red Devils and Chelsea.

Watching Wayne Rooney and Didier Drogba are one of the very few joys in life that one needs to experience at least once.  Some people can stare at a Picasso or a Salvador Dali and think that they are masters of their time. For me its watching Rooney and Drogba when they are really in the mood to play football.

This got me thinking who is better between Rooney and  Drogba? They are both amazing and if they were to play in the same team, would make an awesome strike force!

But who is better? Its like the Maradona and Pele debate, except that its involving players who play in the same era.

I once found myself in the middle of one such debate in Dubai. I nearly got killed that night.

It was time for our weekly night-on-the-tiles. There were five members of the Geordie Element (my group of Geordie mates) and I who used to frequent Double Decker. This time four of the Geordie Element phoned to cancel because they had a night of debauchery involving bedroom athletics with their new girls planned. They begged me to still go and to look after Porgie.

Now Porgie was a different breed mind. His real name was Georgie McKillan, but we called him Porgie for obvious reasons (think nursery rhymes). Porgie also had a newish girlfriend, but he would never pass a night on the tiles for a bird. "Fook her mate! We getten involved tonight! Find you a good Geordie bird!" would always be his reply.

So I picked up Porgie and had to listen to him curse the rest of the Geordie Element all the way to the Decker. We walked in and met up with some mates from London who just loved to wind Porgie up. I was a bit concerned because in the past we had the rest of the Element with us to back Porgie up and calm things down. That night it was just the two of us against them.

And the London lads knew which buttons to press. The debate that night was who was better between two of Newcastle's best footballers: Paul Gascoigne and Alan Shearer.

Now Alan Shearer was Porgies hero,  the only thing he couldn't do in Porgies eyes was walk on water. So the lads pressed him and pressed him and pressed him, until eventually Porgie banged his pint glass on the bar counter so hard that the glass cracked. He got up, looked the London lads in the eye and said: "Do you fooking know what Alan Shearer's left ball sack said to Gazza?" Obviously the London lads didn't know so they asked him: "What did it say?" To which Porgie replied: "It started singing MC Hammers 'Cant Touch This' and if any of you posh twats have anything else to say on the matter Ill smash this here glass on yer posh twat heads!"

Fortunately the London lads locked onto some Essex girls, because Porgies fit sister walked into the bar and she was always well up for a scrap. The three of us would have caused carnage, because of the Lebanese blood that runs in my veins...I am always up for a scrap myself when I am on the Karate Juice.

I always remember that night when Newcastle plays football or when I am watching my DVD set on the best footballers of all time.

I am not the biggest fan of Brazillian football. but you will have to go a long way to top the likes of Garrincha and Zico.

What you got to say ye Fooking Posh Twats!

Holiday madness

Salamu.

When I moved down to the land of the mighty Zulu people, I left a lot of my friends up in Joberg. And although the move has taken a lot of adjusting to, it has ultimately been good for me.

That is not to say that I do not miss my JHB friends, and when they are down in KZN I jump at the opportunity to visit them.

A friend, who is like a brother to me, is down at the moment and I went and visited his place in Balito. It is a small three bedroom flat that overlooks the sea. In fact one merely has to walk down two flights of stairs and 20 meters and one is on the beach.

I spent many New Years eves at that flat where we would fit 100 people on a blacony which is 10 meters long by five meters wide. We would drink enough alcohol to sink a pirate ship and we would curse like sailors.

The last New Years I spent there was two years ago. We as stated above, there were 100 people on a small balcony and a friend of mine and myself were busy drinking our way out of a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label when the party's Thundercats went down to light fireworks. They were HEAVILY intoxicated and we did the sensible thing of staying behind to watch the show.

As the display progressed the fireworks were aiming in all directions. One blew up barely two meters above a breaking wave and another was not aimed up up at all and blew a 1 meter ditch into the ground. The most memorable moment came when Daniel lit a firework and it shot out and was aiming for his cousin, Martin's, head. It was a big firework and Martin hit the deck like he had been shot. Instead of swearing at Daniel, Martin jumped up, screamed: That was f##king well...lets do it again! Only to find out that there was no more fireworks to be shot.

Myself, Daniel and our friend Grant stayed up to watch the sunrise. At about 3 am the family from the flat downstairs came home. The Thundercats and Thunderkittens obviously forgot their keys at home and had to phone their mom to open. She was obviously also on the jaul because this is how the phone conversation went:

Daughter: Mom! where the f##k are you? we forgot our keys at home!
The mother replies, but because she is on the other end of the phone we cant hear the reply.
Daughter: Please f##king hurry up I need to piss.
10 minutes later she calls her mother again.
Daughter: F##k you mother its been 10 minutes.
The mother replies, but because she is on the other end of the phone we cant hear the reply.
Daughter: Where are you?
The mother replies, but because she is on the other end of the phone we cant hear the reply.
Daughter: You are such a f##king whore! please come home to your children!

The mother got home half an hour later. the daughter ended up going to the bathroom in the bushes and they carried on drinking when the mother got home. The mother was obviously in a great mood because soon after she arrived, she was getting a good seeing to by her boyfriend because her lusty moans could be heard by us upstairs.

Awkward first dates!

Salamu.

I was scouring the news sites this morning for a story with a good yarn, because as you know, as a writer I am always in the mood for a good story.

I came across a story on the IOL website about horrible first dates.

There is nothing as awkward as a horrible first date. And boy I have my fair share of stories to tell.

My first one was when I was still in High School. I got on really well with a girl a year below me and things were starting to progress to the stage where we were developing feeling for each other. so I asked her out on a date, despite the fact that her mom was a teacher at the school.

I met up with her at the shopping center where we were to have coffee and her mom dropped her off. Which is usual. But before we could go and settle down to coffee, her mom wanted to have a word with me first. So at the car she opened her window...and I could tell it would be a bit embarrassing because my date fled a fair distance away from the car. So the mom rolled down her window and said: "Faurie...no funny business with my daughter, you still have to survive Grade 12!"

My date was highly embarrassed and I was a bit shaken as this 'discussion' compounded my already ever present nerves.

I cant say that the date went badly. The girl was charming, delightful and well presented. We did behave ourselves, but I got continuously harassed by all of the teachers at school for the next seven months.

My next awkward first date was when I was staying in Dubai. There was this lovely Lebanese girl who used to pop in and out of the radio station where I worked. We would always smile at each other, but I was scared to be forward and ask her out for fear that she was Muslim. Me being a staunch catholic this would have been EXTREMELY AWKWARD. I don't have a problem with Muslim people and I have a lot of Muslim friends, but I just choose not to date a Muslim girls.

A friend of mine at the radio station was DJing at a top hotel in New Dubai and he gave us all an invite. When I arrive, I was pleased to see that my friend was also friends with the Lebenese girl. So we got chatting and were very interested in each other.

After the evening she sent me a text message saying that we should meet up for drinks on the weekend. I arrived at the bar, The Barasti Bar, and the girl greeted me with the customary hug and kissing of the cheeks. She then leads me to our table where there are a whole lot of other people. What she didn't tell me was that we would be having drinks with some of her former class mates from the University of Nottingham. Nothing will make you feel as awkward as sitting at a table full of intellectuals where you think: "F##k me I'm stupid." Even if you have a degree to your name.

This final first date takes the cake.

I went on this date after recovering from the break up with my ex. Me and the ex had been broken up for almost a year and it was now time to explore my options. I met this girl at our church and we had been flirting for a long time. So I ask her out to dinner and she agrees.

I was the happiest person in the world. That was until the day of the date where she asked if her best friend could come with. I am really keen to see this girl so I reluctantly agreed to the friend coming with.

Worst call I have ever made! The whole evening this friend wanted to dominate every conversation and seemed to steer every one of those conversations to sex! I eventually sent an SOS out to one of my friends saying that I am in need of his services. To his credit he arrived and the friends eyes lit up like the Eiffel Tower. She was clearly into him and was keen on her chances for a shag.

So we left the restaurant and agreed to go back to my friend's house for a hubbly. Myself and my date went in my car and her friend and my friend went in his. He has a Chevrolet Lumina SS so he drove like the bats of hell were after him. I must have got 10 phone calls during my drive there asking where I was.

We got there and we had our hubbly, my dates friend was all over my friend. They did nothing more then kiss and when we went home I gave her my friends number just to shut the bitch up. I never have, and probably never will, be sworn at as much as I was the day after that date. My friend cursed me the whole day calling me every name under the sun and phoning me just to say "F##K YOU".

The article on IOL is a good read, in fact, my awkward first dates seem tame compared to these. I have posted some of my favorites from that article below. They all come from England....which says a lot!

@rhodri Went on a date with a man who kept an overly large coat on. Reason became clear when he stole my handbag while I was in the loo.

thisismadeup

@rhodri I dated a proto-goth who spent the entire meal asking me to describe dead people and how peaceful they looked (I was a cop then).

elle_c_emm

@rhodri Guy’s opening line was: “How many cats do you have?” Me: “Eh… two.” Him: “Knew it.” Then told me about time he ran one over.

Bohemiangirl

@rhodri One gentleman took me to the pub car park to show me his motorbike. He revved it for about ten minutes then did a lap and drove off.

squirill

@rhodri Friend got so drunk she fell asleep on the loo for 20 minutes then couldn’t find table again. Date had to stand and wave across restaurant.

The Independent

Word of the Day

Salamu.

This has become my favorite piece to do. This is because I see myself as an educator, an imparter of knowledge onto the masses.

That and the fact that I love being down with the word on the street!

The first word of the day is Spook it is a derogatory word used towards black people mostly by redneck's who live in trailers...eat mayonnaise sandwiches...and DALA their sisters.

Example...Dem spooks like to play bones and shoot dice.. In proper English, as promoted by William Shakespeare, this means that The black people like to play dominoes and play dice.

As a matter of interest...the word nigger, if said by a white man, in America is taboo because of their whole campaign towards human rights and shit, but a black man can greet another black man with: Whats up my nigger! This is because there is no way that white people don't use the word nigger behind closed doors. Like when they are watching the news...a wife wont say: Honey look at this stupid negro! However, she is more likely to say: Look at that ignorant ass nigger right there.

It must just be known that I don't participate in or condone abusive language with racial slurs.

To South Africa where we come across the word: Dala. It was developed by Durban Indian people who also have their own language which resembles English. Dala is to fornicate. Exmaple: I will Dala that chick until she cant walk cuzzie! or in the line of a South African club song: I came to the show to Dala...so dont fuck me like a gwala!.

To England we go where we have already pointed out there exists a whole other language which resembles English, but isn't. Word: Bellend. This is quite literally the tip of a mans penis. I wont go into a proper description of this here please visit this link to urban dictionary for proper description.

So its calling someone a dickhead without them knowing. Example: Does taking da x makes you like house musik and makes youz dance like a bellend? (God Bless Ali G!) or Saddam Hussein is a Bellend! (as seen on 'Da Ali G Show').

Here is one of my favorite pieces:

Ali G Religion Roundtable - Free videos are just a click away

Finally to Australia where a popular word is sook. Which is to sulk. Example: sam had a sook when claire wouldn't sleep with him.. this is used extensively by my other mate Chopper Reid when describing his acts of regular violence enacted on Neville Bartos.

I am discovering new words all the time so keep an eye out people!

Some of the things I hate about you

Salamu

People of the Lions Den massive.

I have officially met the least likely person I would marry. Ok fine, i have met a few people like that, but given enough alcohol intake I might become very friendly with them. But not with Tharuna Devchand.

She works with me, and although we are good friends, she has the most irritating personality traits which would make men run miles. They are listed below.

Please ladies, if you want to get your man to want to spend the rest of their lives with you instead of just dala-ing ** you. Read below.

Irritating Personality Trait 1:The maniac laugh followed by mental instability
True, this could be put down to a wicked sense of humor, but when you are deep in thought and working, and the whole office is quiet, and then all of a sudden there is this laugh that would make Jack Nickelson look sane. It becomes irritating. It feel like your whole life is a cartoon straight out of Loony Tunes with this girl, and it isn't fun!

Now just picture scene. Its 1 am in the morning and you are deep in sleep and the your wife breaks out the maniac laugh.....Id kill her! the part in the wedding service where the priest says: Till death do you part will be a self fulfilling prophesy.

Here is a joke she told in the office the other day: what you you call a fly without wings? A walk! And then she bursts out laughing! Only a person suffering from mental instability would find that funny. Um NEWS FLASH THARUNA! HERE IS A FUNNY JOKE: what do you call the driver of a car that has a mattress on its roof? A prostitute making house calls!

Irritating Personality Trait 2: Argue for purpose.
Its kind of like fit for purpose. But every time you open your mouth about something expect an argument. This really grates my balls and was a major reason why me and my ex are not together anymore. There is nothing more soul destroying and spirit breaking then being continuously harangued and argued with.

Irritating Personality Trait 3: Being surgically attached to their Blackberry
Ok...whoever invented Blackberry...F##K YOU PANOCHA. There is nothing more irritating then a person constantly looking down at their phone when you are having a discussion with them. And...AND...when you are in the same room as them and they completly ignore you in favor of their Blakberry! BONA DEA!

Irritating Personality Trait 4: Talking to the brick wall
Talking to the brick wall is when you say something to someone...while in conversation with them...and they dont hear a word that you say! Talking to a brick wall in this sense is more gratifying!I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! I REALLY REALLY...REALLY HATE THIS!

Irritating Personality Trait 5: the non talker
This point does not apply to Tharuna because she has verbal diarrhea. There is nothing worse then going on a date with someone and they dont talk. It can be a first date or a 100th date. TALK DAMMIT!, interest me woman! it is different if they are just your friend and there is no sexual chemistry between you. But if you want to Dala her, you'll want to talk to her first or else she is nothing more then a prostitute that is not going to be paid!

**:- Dala and Dalaing- will be profiled in the next Word of the Day post

Dark day for South Africa

Salamu.

I try to keep my blog as light hearted as possible because by nature I can be a pretty serious person. And I also think that life is pretty serious without someone making it more so.

But there comes time where an issue is far to important to let slide, and we as the media who are the channel of information to the people needs to bring such issues into the public space.

Yesterday, the ANC bulldozed their way in Parliament and provisionally passed the Secrecy Bill. This bill will now go to the provinces and finally JZ who will then sign it off into law.

What this means is that any article that a journalist writes about a politician must then be read by a tribunal who will then decide whether the article can be published or not. This runs the risk of corruption and bribes being swept under the carpet.

This was all apparently because of something the ANC called "irresponsible" journalism. And granted, some of the stuff in the media is a bit unnecessary.

Once a journalist delves into the private life of a politician they need to be careful. and i am not talking about corruption and kick-backs because that is part of their private lives which affects their job and ultimately the public. I'm talking about extramarital affairs and such. I work for a major media company and in one of our publications we ran a story a while ago about Fikile Mbalula having an affair. I mean come on. Did this really need to be printed?

That being said, JZ's unprotected sex affair when he trying to preach about the fight against AIDS is understandable though.

This Secrecy Bill is taking South Africa back 30 years. Everything that the ANC fought for during the struggle is now being forced onto the public by the self same people who gave their lives for it. They fought against apartheid and are now forcing draconian apartheid styled laws on society.

Speaking as a journalist, more CONTROL over the media is needed. Not CENSORSHIP. That's why we have the OMBUDSMAN and the PRESS CHARTER. I just think that government is trying to over control things and we are fast becoming a Banana Republic.

The Herald newspaper in Zimbabwe is banned from going to print unless they have a front page story praising Robert Mugabe, and the news on ZBC does not go to air unless their top story praises Robert Mugabe. Not his government...HIM.

Now ask yourself, do we as proud South Africans want that in South Africa? How will the world see us? The world who praised South Africa for being a shining light of democracy on a continent which has a long history of dictatorships.

Yes Albert Luthuli fought for freedom, yes Walter Sisulu fought for freedom. But they never fought for this. THEY NEVER FOUGHT FOR THIS!

For many years, the Apartheid government polarized itself from the people so severely that people used to get on their hands and knees and pray for the downfall of its government. The ANC must mind that they dont do the same thing by passing laws such as this. Nothing lasts forever except freedom. And when you start to take that away from people, you have an almighty fight on your hands.

Word of the Day

Salamu.

U.N.I.T.E.D United is the team for me with a nick nak paddywack give a dog a bone...why don't Benfica f##k off home!

Just thought I'd put that out there in preparation for the Devils crucial match against Benfica tonight.

This actually leads me into the next installment of a regular feature on The Lions Den... Word of the Day.

It has been widely advertised on this blog, by myself, that I spent some time in Dubai. While there, the majority of my friends were English.

And please dont be fooled by these people. While common sense tells you that the official language in England is English, there are many derivatives of the language.

Its kind of like Arabic, which was introduced to the world at the spreading of the Ottoman Empire. But what people dont know is that there is Gulf Arabic (spoken in the UAE, Oman, Bahrain), Saudi Arabic (spoken in Saudi Arabia), Egyptian Arabic (spoken in Egypt) and Lebanese Arabic (Spoken in the old country, Lebanon). Essentially they are all the same and a Gulf Arabic speaking person can understand an Egyptian Arabic speaking person.

This is the same in England. There is English and there is Scouse English, Yorkshire English, Geordie English, ect ect. But, and there is a big but here, whereas different Arab speaking people can understand each other, a Scouse cant understand a Londoner, a Londoner cant understand a Yorkshireman and NO ONE can understand a Geordie.

However,the Geordies do have some of some of the naughtiest girls who are awesome in bed! Hands down, if I could choose the perfect wife she would have to have Geordie bedroom temperament in her.

We digress. God forbid you should ever want to hit the streets in England. Here is some lingo you need to be down with.

Donkylasher: A donkylasher is a person who comes from Blackpool.
Apparently there is a huge rivalry between the girls from Essex and the girls from the Pool as I found out one night at a bar in Dubai.
I had lost my South African accent in favor of a British accent on account of all of my friends being British. So I was having a pint at Double Decker when a fit bird came and sat next to me. She was wearing white shoes and had a fury pink handbag...she was an Essex girl then. So we got talking and then all of a sudden, as if out of nowhere, the conversation went like this:
"You look like you can be quite a handful," I said.
"Why? You a Donky Lasher?" she asked in reply.
"I dont understand...A WHAT?" I asked.
"Blackpool, are you from fooking Blackpool?"
"No. Im from South Africa," was my reply.
"Good!" she said just before banging her glass on the counter and shoving her tongue down my throat.
And she was QUITE a handful in the bedroom that night, an awesome handful. Spend the whole night contending with that handful. Almost got arrested the next day for eating in public during Ramadan.
Apart from Geordies, the Essex girls are probably the second best girls in the world in the bedroom.

Fit Bird: Beautiful women.
Not much explanation is needed here. Except for the fact that when normal people would say: wow that girl is beautiful, an Englishman would say: blimey that is a fit bird.

Innit: Cockney slang for isn't it.
I was at a barbecue in Saffa Park one night with my mates and we were drinking a bit. At about 11 pm, when the park closes, the Pork goes around and announces on a megaphone that the park is closing and we must leave. So my mate sees them coming towards us and he says: "That's the Phlange innit?" I had to stop myself from laughing, because he was a trained SAS operative, and told him that yes it is indeed the Phlange, so he went and hid his bottle of Vodka in my car.

Phlange: Cops
It is actually a crude reference to a woman's private bits - hence the application to the John Law. Don't question it, just know that when a Cockney bloke or bird asks you about the Phlange 9 times out of 10 they are referring to the cops. if it is the 1 time out of 10 that they are not referring to the cops...it is at this stage where you are going to get fucked up!




Good old Geordie Birds. Cold as fuck outside and they still go out in short ass dresses. "Well I carnt pick oop a fooking bloke in jeans now can I?"



Lock up your sons parents...the Essex massive is on the prowl.

Word of the Day

I came across these gems while pretending to do work at my establishment of employement yesterday.

Poca Madre:
Mexican slang for "Motherless"
- It is used to describe something is really f##king cool.
or
- It is used to describe a bad situation or something that a person ('asshole' in that moment) did to you by adding "QUE" before "POCA MADRE"

That was lame dude - "que poca madre".

Apart from Copper Ried, I really love Ali G. That great thing about Ali is that he has a whole language of his own. But he is really one of those people who you either love or hate. You wont grow to love him.

Da Ali G Show - Dangerous Drugs - More amazing video clips are a click away

RIP Smokin Joe

Salamu.

The world became a darker place on monday when it lost the late great Smokin Joe Frazier.

Although my favourite boxers of all time are Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis and more recently Marco Antonio Barrera. I was saddened by the loss of Frazier.

He was one of those people you couldnt help loving. He wasnt as arrogant as todays heavyweights and he had a 'put up or shut up' approach to life where he let his fists dot he talking.

And boy did they talk. He won a gold medal for the USA at the 1964 Tokyo Olympics and turned professional in 1965.

After 25 unbeaten fights he took on Jimmy Ellis for the vacant heavyweight Title , stopping Ellis in four rounds. After a defence against Bob Foster he became, in 1971, the first man to beat Ali professionally. Two defences later he met George Foreman in Kingston Jamaica. Foreman beat him in 12 rounds.

Having lost only once in 30 fights, Frazier now lost three of his next five, beating Jerry Quarry and Jimmy Ellis but succumbing to Foreman and Ali (twice).

The second loss to ali was on October 1 1975 at the Araneta Stadium in Manilla, Philippines in a fight dubbed the 'Thrilla in Manila', Frazier retired after 14 pulsating rounds.

After a disapointing comeback fight in 1981 against Jumbo Cummings (which ended in a draw), Frazier retired once more - this time for good. After his retirement he had a strong hand in moulding the talent of his son, Marvis.

Before his fights with Ali, the World's Greatest used to taunt him relentlessly calling him a Gorilla and questioning his manhood! And Frazier used to give as good as he got.

While normal kids go to bed with stories about dragons and knights and castles. I whent to bed with my Grandfather telling me stories about Smokin' Joe and the Thrilla in Manila.

RIP Smokin' Joe...In nomine Patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti the world will miss you.

Word of the Day

Aweh to the Lions Den massive.

By the greeting in the first line of the blog you will gather that this is the next instalment of: Word Of The Day.

The word Aweh is a word used mainly by the coloured community here in South Africa as a light hearted greeting. Depeneding on how well they know you, various terms will be used after Aweh.

If they know you well the will say: Aweh ma se kind, which is hello mothers child. If you are one of the 'boys' you will be greeted with: Aweh ma se hond, which is hello mothers dog. Although it might seem a bit off, i promise you it is not.

The word Aweh is deep rooted into the coloured community...it defines them as a nation. Sort of like if you ask an American what Americanism describes them most probably they will say that it is Howdy.

However, please dont use a term after Aweh if you do not know the person on any level, they will take offence to this and stab you. If you are visiting South Africa and a coloured person greets you, just say Aweh and nothing else.

The next word is a word whitch describes a particular peice of clothing. It amazes me how many women are not familiar with the term: wife-beater vest yet every man alive knows what it is. its those vests made popular by Vin diesel in a number of his movies which is worn by men but only ocveres a section of their shoulder rather then their whole shoulder.

The last word for today is twat, which is a term used alot by English people.

I came across this word on my many drinking escapades in Dubai with the "Geordie Element" (that is to say a group of Geordie friends I had that just caused trouble wherever they whent). We were drinking in a bar and one of the guys...I think his name was hammer... was making a hell of a noise and lewed remarks to some fine china which were tapping around in 6 inch heels showing off their asset portfolios and their well defined bottom ends. Anyway, so the bouncer comes buy to calm hammer down and he told the bouncer: piss off you twat. The bouncer was Nigerian so he didnt understand the insult and just looked at hammer with daggers and left. Only after that did I discover that twat is a rather nasty referal to a women's...well you get the picture.

Divas gone wild.

Salamu.

I have been severly neglecting my blog and for that I am sorry, today I will be playing catch up as there are at least two topics which I would like to discuss today.

Upon reading the title, and given my useual vents, you would be forgiven for thinking that this blog would be about beautiful scantly clad women who go wild and throw their name away. But nay-nay, this is actually about Bigg Willy...Will Smith.

For a Panocha who is not as celebrated as Al Pacino or Robert De Nero, who have received Oscar nominations on many occasions, Will Smith thinks that he is just the big dog on campus because he is the highest paid actor in Hollywood.

And I have nothing wrong with him being the highest paid actor in the business, in fact I think he is a far better actor then he is a singer. But dont have an attitude about it. Thats the problem I have with him.

He has just finished making the thrid instalment of the Men in Black franchise and is in negotiations with Fox Entertainment for the sequal to Independance Day.

But apparently Fox are not to keen on him now because Will Smith wants his daughter Willow and his wife Jada Pinket in the movie.

I MEAN REALLY! Gone are the days of Denzel Washinton and Samuel L Jackson who were just fucking gratefull to be in a movie! They wouldnt DARE ask for roles for their fucking children or wife in that same movie.

I really really hope Fox tell him to piss off! I honestly do.

But then who would be the likely candidates to take his place?

For continuity's sake I think the role must be taken up by another African American actor.

Enter Don Cheadle and Terence Howard.

I saw Cheadle for the first time in Crash and I though he was a pretty good actor, but it was in Hotel Rwanda where he really shone and showed his true potential. He is suave enough to play Smiths role and as he proved in Iron Man 2 he can do the physical stuff too.

Its a similar story with Terence Howard, I also saw him for the first time in Crash and then in the first instalment of Iron Man. But I thought he was alot better in Crash then in Iron Man...and he is of similar build to Smith.

If they want to break away and cast the role of Smiths charactor to a caucasian actor then Stevel Segal and John Travolta should be considered.

The only thing is that you cant give Segal to many lines inbetween his action scenes because then he is just going to loose his mind and start hitting people just because he can.

Travolta is a winner in my opinion. He is classy, as we saw in shows like Michael, the Generals Daughter and Pulp Fiction, he can do action, as we saw in Basic and Pulp Fiction, and he can talk properly.

So it is down to three actors in my opinion: Cheadle, Howard and Travolta.

I have spoken in the past about my favourite movies of all time, but what about my favourite actors? Below are my Top 10 favourite actors with my favourite movie that they have appeared in.

10)Sylvester Stallone (Rambo Franchise and Rockey Franchise)
9)Bruce Willis (Die Hard Franchise and The Fifth Element)
8)Eddie Murphey (Beverly Hils Cop Franchise and Life)
7)Vin Diesel (XXX and Fast and the Furious)
6)Al Pacino (Any Given Sunday and Godfather II)
5)John Travolta (Basic and Pulp Fiction)
4)Samuel L Jackson (Basic and Pulp Fiction)
3)Denzel Washington (Training Day and Man on Fire)
2)Russel Crowe (Gladiator and LA Confidential)
1)Viggo Mortenson (Eastern Promises and Lord of the Rings)

Like Obama...I want change Part 3

Salamu.

Besides being really engrossed with the Rugby World Cuip, and testing the waters with a hottie from gym, nothing much is happening in the world of Shalafain at the moment.

Those who know what i have been through in the past year say that this is good and that I should appreciate it while it lasts. But I know that inactivity is bad for me as I tend to do stupid things during such times.

Dont get me wrong, there is a big difference between good activity and drama. Im looking for the former, not the latter.

Should my adoring public think of any ways to stimulate this, pleasde feel free to comment below.

In order to kick start my life then, as it where, I have decided to adopt a programme of reformation which I am hoping will work.

Step 1: Participate in a new activity.
So my friend at work, who can sense how I am getting a bit edgy, decided that we go shooting to take the edge off a bit.

So we whent to a shooting range and shot a 9mm, a R-4 and a 12 Guage Pump Action Shot Gun. and it was ABSOLUTLY awesome! Predictably I fired my best shot with the shot gun, but then again...anyone can be an expert at that when you have scatter shot. I was supprisingly good with the 9mm as well (considering that I have never fired a real gun before this day)

Step 2: HOLIDAY! HOLIDAY! HOLIDAY!
And I dont mean with people, unless this girl and i become a bit more serious with each other, I whent on holiday by my lonesome last year October and it was the best thing that I could have done. Granted, some heavy shit happened in my life in 2010 (worse then 2011) but what I have learned about myself is that I need time out to myself. I cant take vacation now because of it being cricket season, but guarenteed, come June next year St Lucia will be calling.

Should you have any other suggestions, please send them. I just might try them.

Have a laugh dammit!

Humor is a very subjective thing. Something that will make one person laugh will not even crack a smile on another.

I love my slapstick comedy. American humor where there is alot of swearing and cussing. i mean you dont need to be a rocket scientist to get American humour.

Yet Brittish humour is very populor becsause of its wit and intellegence. But please! i dont want to need to think to laugh! F##k off with that! My whole family are fans of British humor and think I am on drugs because I dont like the Black Adder or Monty Python. But I am sorry, I just cant stand Rowen Atkinson!

Found this absolute gem of a Chopper Read peice

Chopper Wildlife - More free videos are here

Yes Yes I know...I love Chopper Read! Get over it!

Because my ancesters came from Lebanon, and I lived in Duabi for 2 years, I find Arabic culture interesting and people making fun of it the best people in the world. I have already profiled the Tabbouleh Song by Go Rhemy which is still no my blog somewhere.

He has done a number of songs ragging the shit out of Arabic culture. Below is him ripping off the fact that Saudis love Audies.

Saudis in Audis - The most amazing home videos are here

and then here is a song that was oirigionaly done by a certain Mss Taylor Swift, whoever the f##k she is, that was redone and parodies by Go Rhemy:

Teardrops On My Kabob (Parody) - The most amazing home videos are here

And then this gem from Bernie Mac, may his soul rest in peace. This peice says it all.

Bernie Mac - My Sisters Kids. Watch more top selected videos about: Bernie Mac

Although I like to portray myself as this gangster boy who is 'down with the homies' I have never fired a weapon in my life. Well, next friday myself and a work college are going to remedy that! For R150 we get to shoot the shit out of targets for an hour with hand gunds (pistols, revolvers), rifles and shotguns! CANT WAIT! pictures will be taken and put up on this blog!

Chopper Reid!

Salamu.

So i have a new neighbour at work and she is bladdy tops! Friendly and a wicked sense of humor.

she had never seen Chopper Reid before or even knew of him...so i gave her the basic background of the bloke and directed her to You Tube where she was in stiches on the floor after watching Chopper do his take on airport security.

I have missed Chopper because at my last job the bloddy brass blocked You tube and didnt promote watching videos while at work. No I didnt actually work at a Salt Mine at Carthage...I actually worked at a media company in JHB!

anyway...I was pretty stoked that I got my current job, which is Senior Sports Journalist for a daily newspaper. I aced the interview and the mini test they gave me at the interview.

Just as well I didnt bladdy watch this before:

Chopper Reid Job Interview - The best video clips are here

I know right! BLADDY MARVELOUS! BLADDY TOPS! I love Chopper. This is one of his better skits alnong with:

Chopper Read - Driving Test - Funny blooper videos are here

AND:

Chopper Reid Auctioneer - Ronnie Johns - The best home videos are here

One more for the road

Chopper - Does Children's TV - Funny bloopers R us

Unpacking why the IT world is dominated by Asians

Salamu.

I consider myself a man of the world because of my wide travel experience and interactions with other cultures. Particularly African cultures.

Because of this, not much surprises me. I won’t say that I have seen it all, but I have seen enough to not be surprised by shit.

But there is one thing which surprises me, perplexes me even. Why is every individual that works in IT Asian. Guaranteed they are either Chinese, Indian or Pakistani. This is unless you go to Dubai where the Chinese, Indians and Pakistani’s are the hard laborers, but this is a discussion for another day.

I don’t mean this to be racist in any way shape or form, it just surprises me. I put this out on Face Book and it led into the debate about where interests lie.
I asked an Asian friend of mine, who is Chinese, why every IT person is Asian and he replied that it is because they are clever and brilliant and stuff.

Although the Asians are very clever, I also think it has to do with areas of interest. I mean…when is South Africa going to produce its first Chinese cricket player or Indian rugby player? He agreed and then asked when is South Africa going to produce its first white gymnast.

This then sparked off a whole new debate because I told him that this was not possible because, as a rule of thumb, South African women are more athletically built then their Asian counterparts. This dates back to most Afrikaans families having German or Dutch heritage.

Again, I am not being racist or even chauvinistic about this. In my opinion athletically built women are FAR more attractive then these supple Nadia Comaneci types. If you had to put two posteriors in front of me one with a supple Asian like build and another a more athletic build…Ill hit the athletic build ass every single time!

It’s funny how it is hard to break the cycle with this. And Africa has a plethora of different builds. As a rule the Zambians are of medium height and build. The Congolese (from the DRC) are short, the Kenyans are these tall lanky people while the Zimbabweans and the Mozambiquans are medium height but strongly built.

Gutted to the core

Salamu.

Dear people, I greet you this morning feeling gutted! Absolutely gutted.

So I have recently moved down to Durban and there is a radio station in KZN called East Coast Radio which is a half decent radio station if I do say so myself.

There is a competition on ECR every weekday called: The Grand Challenge. Basically it is a 60 second general knowledge quiz where you have to answer 10 questions in the minute. Every morning I listen to these people throw their names away on the challenge getting the easiest things wrong.

So I send in my application to the radio station obviously full of confidence that I will get 10 out 10 and then I get a reply E Mail from them saying that because of the huge volumes I might not be selected for a long time.

This morning I get a call on my drive to work…which is a whole hour, yes I know VOMIT IN MY MOUTH…from ECR saying that I have been selected.

I was ecstatic and phoned all of my people here in Durban to tell them to listen and when the time came I went through the questions before the 60 seconds came up. I was hoping for 10 out of 10 but one or two of the questions were a bit tricky so I thought that 8 or 9 was possible.

I GOT 7! GUTTED LIKE SOMEONE DROVE A STAKE IN MY STOMACH!

APPARENTLY:
- Winston Churchill’s old lady was born in the USA
- Venetian blinds were origionally made in Japan
- And
- Einstein never won a Nobel Prize for his theory of Relativity

The Big Bad Wolf

Salamu.

So the ANC is going to punish Malema. About RUDDY time I say but it is a bit to late.

There are alot of theories making the rounds as to what will happen if Malema gets punished. Its very likely that he will be expeled from the ANC, if the desciplinary committee has their way. and if that is the case then all Malema is going to do is form his own political party and run for the presidancy. Or he wants to dispose of JZ and run for the presidancy...either way he wants to be Cheif!

and I warned all of you on this very blog that this man will be the countrys next president. Why?Not because he is the most educated man (we know he is not) and not because he has good policies (we know he doesnt) itsa because he is charesmatic and plays to the crowd.

But he is giving the crowd empty promises. The sad thing is that they will only realise this to late. Much like the ANC did in 1994.

It just makes my heart very heavy when I see this. Because there are so many other good African leaders out there who are president material, but the Bafoon will win it and he will run this country into the ground!

Hopefully I am wrong and hopefuly if push comes to shove he isnt the next president. This is also up in the air because the older generation of African people (who beleive strongly in respecting ones elders) are a bit pissed off with Malema and the way he is going about things.

But...BUT...the older generation has only got themselvs to blame.

We have all seen this before. Think back to the French Revelution where the poo were promised things by the king and got so fed up when he didnt deliver that they choped his head off. Same in South Africa, the ANC promised HUGE things with the invensiton of BEE but havent delivered. Now the youth, who were supposed to be benefitting from BEE the most, are jobless. You go and try to tell a jobless person to be patient his time will come when he has a wife and four kids to feed. GO AND SEE HOW FAR YOU WILL GET.

When we were young our parents used to tell us the story of the three Little Pigs, and quite honestly I always used to look at my gran when she finished telling me that story and I asked her what drugs she was on. But we are now seeing the same stroy being played out in front of Luthuli House. The question now is...is the house of lies that the ANC mother body built with staw or with stone. Because Malema is the Big Bad Wolf and he will huff and he will puff until he either dies or blows the house down!

Deadliest Warrior

Salamu

I am up to date with True Blood having watched all three seasons available to me to date and I have watched seasons 1 and 2 of the Tudors and am hoping to get seasons Three and Four soon.

Now I am busy watching my new favourite series…Deadliest Warrior

I have spoken about this before on this blog. But that was after viewing a rather one-sided fight between William Wallace and Shaka Zulu. And I only saw the simulation, I didn’t get to see the whole production put into a single show.

The reason I love this series is that I am an Anthropologist at heart. I have read numerous books on Shaka Zulu, Attila the Hun, the Samurai, Vikings and Romans and can say that although I might not be an ABSOLUTE authority on the subject. I can be trusted as a reliable source on specific cultures.

The whole concept of the series is this: warriors which the public think are the worlds deadliest are pitted against each other in a simulated fight to the death. Concept plain and simple! Which is sometimes good for a series. Or even movies for that matter.

Because most of the warriors/tribes are long dead, modern day experts, who are at times direct descendents from the warrior tribes in question, test five weapons of each of the warriors. These tests are then put into a computer programme, designed by Slytherin Studios, which simulates 1 000 fights between the warriors in order to get a winner. This is to prevent a single lucky blow ultimately deciding an important thing such as who is deadliest.

But you ask…if the warriors in question are long dead, how can this be important in any way? Well, as discussed we have current experts who are either passionate about the warrior in question and their fighting methods or are direct decedents of the warrior in question. So MASSIVE amounts of PRIDE is at stake. And as we know, people can get VERY hot under the collar when pride is at stake.

Case in point…last night I watched the episode that pitted Attila the Hun against Alexander The Great. And the experts from each team where at each other the whole episode with sarcastic chirps and trash talking. In the first episode of the first season, Apache vs Gladiator, one of the Apache experts got so offended by a sly comment from one of the Gladiator experts that he picked up a Tomahawk and was ready to scalp him. The only thing holding him back was the other Apache expert.

And the experts get severely pissed of when their warrior loses! In the episode Shaolin Monk vs Maori, the Maori experts [all decedents of actual Maori tribes] were very surprised that they lost. But in true Kiwi fashion, their sense of humour came trough. At the end the expert said: This battle was run trough a computer and said that the little monk guy beat my huge Maori? The computer must be Chinese!

What makes this funny is that most likely the computer was Chinese and the Shaolin monks came from China.

Taking into account the tests put into the production of one of these episodes the concept of the show makes a whole lot more sense to me then the first time I commented on this.

When I originally commented, I said it was rather unfair because certain warriors will be fighting in unfamiliar terrain. And as we all know, some of histories greatest battles have been decided on terrain alone. However, at times it doesn’t really matter what terrain you fight in, superior weapons and armour will account for the advantage gained in fighting in unfamiliar terrain.

Or will it? The first episode matched up a Gladiator with an Apache Indian, and the Apache won despite using rather primitive weapons when compared to the weapons used by Gladiators. This was because the fight took place in a forest environment where the Apache could use many elements of the terrain to his advantage. If the fight had taken place in a ring [gladiatorial arena] environment where the Apache cant ‘sneak up’ on the Gladiator as it were., the result could have been VERY different.

For those familiar with the series, my favourite episodes are listed below:
Apache vs Gladiator
Viking vs Samurai
Green Beret vs Spetsnaz
Shaolin Monk vs Maori Warrior
IRA vs Taliban
Swat vs GSG9
Attila the Hun vs Alexander The Great

I did enjoy the episode William Wallace vs Shaka Zulu, despite Shaka being decimated by Wallace. I just had a problem with the fact that the so called ‘experts’ that they had fighting the cause for Shaka were questionable at best. They had the moves and they were well versed in Zulu warfare. But they had little to no clue on tactics used by Shaka. The production people could have really flown in an expert from South Africa.

Winners from the episodes that I have enjoyed are the Apache, the Samurai, the Spetsnaz, the Shaolin Monk, the IRA, Swat and Attila the Hun.

Now what would be interesting is if we took the winners from the various fights and pitted them against each other. I mean how awesome would it be to see a Samurai warrior up against a Spartan [the winner of the episode Spartan vs Ninja]? Or an Apache against a Shaolin Monk?

I must say that I am very much enjoying this series and hope to get my hands on season three soon.

Going back in time a bit

Salamu.

I can finally tell you the news which I have been somewhat elusive about over the past few weeks. I have handed in my resignation at my current company and am making a move down to the warmer climates of the land of the Zulus where I will be a Cricket Writer for one of the country’s oldest daily newspapers.

Hopefully then I will be afforded full access to my blog page and I wont have to act like a scaly bastard using proxy hiders and such!

However, this means that I wont have to wait until Easter to get out hand at Kings Park because the first purchase I am going to make when I settle down in Durban are season tickets to the Shark Tank so I will be able to get “out of hand” every weekend! This also means that I will have to make a last run at Hooters in Johannesburg!

My last appearance there included chatting up a rather young, busty waitress who was showing ample cleavage (not unusual), breaking the record and drinking 8 litres of beer in a single sitting (very proud of this), and leaning out of the window of Stalkers car pumping Duck Sauce’s new number: The Big Bad Wolf and howling at the Askria!

I KNOW! I KNOW! I am a hooligan when I am drunk! But it isn’t me, it’s my alter ego: Ahmed the Lebanese Terrorist!

Fortunately Ahmed doesn’t have permanent residency both in South Africa and in my sometimes rather disturbed mind so I can go to Hooters and actually walk out there sober as a judge. The problem is that when that happens Adam’s (Stalker) alter ego: Sao Feng comes out.

I have spoken about one of my more sober occasions at Hooters here before. It was the time that myself and Stalker were made to feel old by the waitresses. I have always been fascinated by human nature and how smells, tastes, songs, movies and even seasons can take you back in time to a particular juncture.

On the night we were made to feel like old bastards I heard the Armand Van Helden number: MY MY MY MY played in the radio on the way to Hooters. This took me back to a time where I was driving down Jumeirah Beach Road on my way to visit a then girlfriend of mine. Dubai 2006 was one of the most adventurous years of my life. All the top songs that get played from 2006 take me back there. Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie takes me back to Scarlet’s and the World Cup Soccer Match match between England and Sweden, the night I met my Essex Girlfriend. R Kelly’s Burn It Up takes me back to a Sheesha Bar near Deira City Centre where me and the boys, one of whom was Essex Girlfriends brother who often used to rip through Abu Dhabi with me, had to play Poker (for money) in the back room of the bar so as not to raise the suspicions of the Askria who we had to pay off more then once anyway!

Anyway, back to Hooters, it was the night of the Cricket World Cup final and we had to have a shot on Gary Kirsten who was coaching India at the time. I had a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich, which again took me right back to Dubai and Charley’s Grilled Subs where you will not get any better Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich anywhere in the world! ON MY LIFE!

On all of my trips to Durban I stop off at the Caltex Garage in Van Reenens Pass which is exactly half way to Durban. I always have a Double Chicken and Cheese Burger from the Country Burger Inn at the garage because they are the second best chicken burgers in the world.

These also put me on a trip of nostalgia to Mozambique 2004. This was my first holiday out of the country and a whole group of us were driving in convoy. We were hungry and decided to stop off and get a bite of something to eat. We find this marooned hull of a ship near Xai Xai with tables and chairs outside of it. Interested, we go in and find it is a restaurant. So we order a chicken & cheese burger and the following excerpt is a certified classic.

Me: I would like a chicken burger please.
Cashier: What part of the Chicken you want?
Me: Breast please.
Cashier: Very good.
He then turns to the back and starts screaming at his accomplice in the kitchen.

Cashier: Hey Manuel! Trazer uma galinha para a frente! [Hey Manuel! Bring a chicken to the front]
Manuel: Que porra é essa de? [What the f##k for?]
Cashier: Porque eu quero jogar cartas com ele seu idiota! Eu tenho uma encomenda de um hambúrguer de frango aqui! [Because I want to play cards with it you moron! I have an order for a chicken burger here!}
Manuel: Eu dice que com este talhador de carne! Dê-me dois segundos, o frango está chegando! [I'll dice you with this meat cleaver! Give me two seconds, the chicken is comming]

Manuel then brings this LIVE chicken to the front, slaughters it in front of me, cuts out the breast and then as he is about to go to the back and cook it...

Cashier: não se esqueça de colocar um pouco de queijo sobre ela seu idiota [dont forget to put some cheese on it you moron]
Manuel: Doente tem que perguntar a sua irmã e seu cousen para virar na cama para que eu possa obtê-lo embora [Ill have to ask your sister and your cousen to turn over in the bed so that I can get it though]

Despite this gruesome spectacle, and the rather interesting conversation which I understood every Word of, it was by a COUNTRY MILE the best chicken burger I have ever had!

Word of the Day

Greetings.

In the past i have been very outspoken about my utter dislike, distaste and disdain for incompetence and incompetent people! So although i am sure we are all very aware of the word incompetent, it is worthwhile visiting this word as it has many variants which not too many people are aware of.

Word: Incompetent F##k
Origin: Im sure its Italy because you always hear this insult thrown at people in decent gangster movies.
Meaning: A company which is useless! Ok...this is a bit of a long one people. I apply for a credit card at first National Bank (one of the Big Four banks here in South Africa). I had a few 'logistical issues' to resolve before application which I duly did. So I send in my application via E Mail and I get an auto reply from the bank telling me that I will receive feedback form them within 3-5 working days.

It is the fourth day and not trusting these people I give them a courtesy call only to find out that they received my documentation today only and that I must wait another 3-5 days. Bear in mind I have already waited this period. They blame technical issues which is not my f##king problem. Try and phone the help desk...and you wait 45 minutes for them to answer the phone. Actually speak to a person...and some wagon burner on the other end of the phone gives me so much attitude that I eventually lodged a complaint about her and her company. Now only are things being done.

But my question is why? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE MY BLOOD BOILED BEFORE THEY DO SOMETHING? VWHY DO I HAVE TO THREATEN THE POOR PEOPLE AT THE END OF THE PHONE WITH TORTURE AND DEATH BEFORE THEY DO SOMETHING? AND WHY DO I HAVE TO LODGE A COMPLAINT BEFORE A F##KING COMPANY DOES THEIR F##KING JOB?

WANKERS!

And the beauty part of this is that I am not even an existing FNB client! This is the first impression these people are making on me!

I hope and pray too the Big Man Upstairs that FNB gets wind of this blog post and reads it so they can see what a bunch of Incompetent F##k's they have become in my mind!

Word:Incompetent Prick
Origin:London...England. A famous insult that the British men throw at Pikys and Geodie men.
Meaning: A useless man who should have his Zub cut off and put in a glass cabinet because that is all that it is good for. In other words...an Incompetent Prick is a useless man! Again, this story is a bit long but it is worth a read.

As discussed on this blog before I am a journalist and unfortunately I have to follow a certain procedure which I dont necessarily agree with. Every article I write I have to send back to sources for factual clearance. If it were me Id just publish as is. Because once you hand over power to another party (give them a finger) they will try and abuse that power to the last (take an arm).

I write this article and send it to this certain individual for clearance. I also give him the mandatory 24 hours for clearance. What does the Incompetent Prick do? Gets a PR company to phone me and ask me for an extension because he has gone overseas. I mean, couldn't you tell me this in the interview when I explained our factual clearance procedure? "Oh no, I know I will never meet your deadline Mr Journalist man! Ill just ask for an extension!" was the thought which was going through his mind when I met him. He had NO intention of meeting my specified deadline FROM THE START! And then he doesnt have the balls to phone me and explain his situation...he gets a woman to do it.

Incompetent Prick!

Word: Incompetent Bitch
Origin: ME! The Lion of Lebanon, Shalafain! Because when a woman is incompetent no man will have the balls to admit it to her face except me. This is because they only want one thing from her, but nay nay! I will waver getting into her good good books which could possibly lead to horizontal refreshment which will include pumping, all of this because I hate incompetence that much!
Meaning: The female equivalent to an Incompetent Prick. We all know them! We even interact with them on a daily basis. Those women who take an arm when you give them a finger and think its ok because they will just batter their eyelids ant you or smile at you and then your heart will melt!

Well my friends...right now my heart is 100% pure and certified granite! Aint no amount of smiling or battering of eyelids will melt this shit!

I am part of the Youth Committee at my church (you wouldn't say so considering I have a mouth that can make an Irish Sailor blush at times), and there is this floozy who is part of our group who doesn't come to any of the meetings or any of the events which we arrange and then batters her eyelids at the priest and he says "How can I be cross with you!" UM...EXCUSE ME...BECAUSE SHE IS INCOMPETENT AND AN OXYGEN THEIF!

All of this talking of Pricks and Bitches reminds me of a joke which I feel I need to share because it might just put me in a better mood then I am now! However, this is unlikely!

A woman who is pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked
robber ran out of a bank and shot her three times in the stomach. Luckily
the babies were OK.

The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to two healthy daughters and a
healthy son.

All was fine for 16 years, and then one day one daughter walked into the room in
tears.

"What's wrong?" asked the mother.
"I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out," replied the daughter.

The mother told her it was okay and explained what happened 16 years ago

About a week later the second daughter walked into the room in tears.

"Mom, I was taking a tinkle and this bullet came out."

Again the mother told her not to worry and explained what happened 16 years
ago.

A week later her son walked into the room in tears.

"It's okay" said the Mom, "I know what happened You were taking a tinkle and a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy, "I was playing with myself and I shot the dog."

NICE JADE! IF I WAS ANYWHERE NEAR A GOOD MOOD I'D BE VERY HAPPY WITH THIS JOKE! BUT I AM NOT!

The return of : Just Like Obama...I want Change

Marhaba

I must firstly apologise for being so scarce and not updating this blog as often as I would like, but things did get a bit hectic and situations did not allow me to do so.

However I am back, and without giving to much away. There are alont of changes in store for me in the months to come. POSITIVE CHANGES, I HAVE NEVER FELT AS ALIVE AS I HAVE DONE NOW.

I cant give to much away because I currently feel like I have the FBI, the Secret Service, the CIA and the PO-LICE looking at each and everything I do. It pisses me off slightly because I am a 29 year old male who is a hard worker and people feel the need to act like the FBI with me!

Three topics to discuss today with one effortlessly leading into the other.

The first topic concerns who actually runs South Africa. this question came up during the ANC Youth League conference where South Africa's favourite Rocket Scientist Julius Malema got voted in for another term as the President of the youth arm of the ANC. The whole country is now in a flat spin because there is a good chance that one day Malema will be the president of the country. But as I pointed out to my colleges at work. There is no need for panic because there is no way in hell that the President of South Africa rules the country.

It is strike season and workers in the steel industry have embarked on mass action. In solidarity to them members of the petrochemical industry have joined them. This means now that there is a shut down at all engineering firms as well as at some petrol stations who might run out of petrol very soon because there are no deliveries taking place. These people go on strike, place high demands on government and government at the end of the day gives them what they want because while they are on strike, production in the country comes to a grinding halt.

Quite frankly I am sick of all of this shit! Just because they are unhappy, now the rest of the country cant work. Sure I am not completely happy with my job (nobody in the world is), but at least I have one and I have to go to it in order to earn money to survive. For that I need petrol. Which might not be available this week.

Fucking Panocha's we know you are unhappy! We get that! But stop acting like a bunch of spoiled brats, just because you don't want to work doesn't mean you have to affect the whole Fucking country!

And inland provinces feel the pinch the worst because they have to rely on petrol delivery from the coast!

So then move to the coast.

Easier said then done my friend. Its not like the job market at the coast can be described as 'buzzing & happening' plus. I am at the bottom of the proverbial job chain. White (or Caucasian for racially infatuated people) and Male.

The second topic to discuss is what people would give to have a fresh start in life. Everyone gets depressed at some stage or another, its a human thing. But when you consider what others don't have you tend to appreciate that your life is not that bad. I mean, at times I look at things like my work, my current living conditions and my social life and ask myself: Where are you going in life? But then I drive past a million outies on my way to work and think to myself that at least I am not like them.

But sometimes even with all you have, you look at these people and say: Fuck them...there is no way their life is worse then mine. When you hit that stage my friend. You have hit rock bottom, and the Arabs have a saying: Once you hit rock bottom...you need to walk through hell to get out.

What would you give for a fresh start? I mean, moving to the coast here in South Africa is all good and well, but you need to know that apparently there is 'no money' at the coast and you might have to take a cut in pay with the move. Some people will never do that. When you get used to a certain lifestyle, it becomes everything to you. And with a drop in pay comes sacrifice.

But I am a firm believer in that money is not everything in life. Nothing matters so much as those you love and family. Because you can have all the money in the world. All of it, and you will still end up in a little box like the rest of the people and end up in the same place where you cant take your money with. sure you can leave it to your family for generations to come. But with that money comes sacrifice my friend.

The third topic are the warning signs that you need to pay attention to in order to ascertain if you are currently unhappy with all that surrounds you.

This is very subjective as the warning signs differ from person to person. but I will talk about mine because experience has taught me that more people have things in common with you then you realise.

I snap at people and tend to become a person that I am not (and don't want to be) I am an Aquerian and like a typical Aquerian, I wear my heart on my sleeve and am highly emotional. Many people have often told me that it is easy to see when I am upset. I become a bit recluse and don't talk to people. I don't eat well (I have lost 10 kg's in 3 months) and I don't sleep. When I received the news that I was waiting for yesterday, it was like a breath of fresh air for me. I finally enjoyed a meal and slept like a baby for the first time in 3 months.

The common factor here is to look at how you are normally, and if behaviour changes, then you know you you are on that slippery slope to Rock Bottom.

Again, I feel that i have been a bit of a prophet of doom here and I apologise for that. But I feel that I am doing a favour to society, because if i can help just one person, I am happy.

Word of the Day

Marhaba.

I know I have been a bit thin on the picture side on this blog lately, but the reason for this is that people cant control themselvs and I have to update my blog through a proxy hider...which does not give you full access to all the options that the normal site would.

What turned out to be an experimental post actually transformed itself into one of my favourite features that I do. it is always nice to see that people read my blogs and absorb the information therein. a lady that works with me, and reads my blog religiously, was having a hard time on the phone with someone. After throwing a tantrum she banged the phoned down and called him a Panocha.

So to today's words:

Word: Gaijin
Origin: Japan
Meaning: Ethnical slur for foreigners visiting Japan. It means Outside person. Originates from early Empirical Japan where Japanese people were still apprehensive to throw away the traditions handed down to them by the Samurai....because of this they were very reluctant to trust foreigners.
Application: "why you dye your hair? You want to be gaijin?"

Word: Gook
Origin: American solders during the Korean War.
Meaning: Racial slur to describe Koreans. It didn't start out as a slur...An American approached a Korean. The Korean did not understand the American, instead he pointed at him and called out "Mi Gook" which means "America" in Korean. The American then mistakened the Korean and thought the Korean was refering to himself as a "gook." After the Korean War, American started to refer to Koreans as Gooks for short term thinking it was a short name for Korean.
Application: "I cant stand the way the gooks are taking over the world man. They are EVERYWHERE!"

Word:Vodka Ass
Origin: Russia
Meaning: When a girl consumes premium vodka or any other good hard liquor on a regular if not excessive basis and her ass gets big in the process it is called a vodka ass.

To summerise: If a Japanese person is calling you a Gaijin:-kick his ass! If you call a Korean person a Gook they will most likely kick your ass...and Vodka Ass is acceptable on a Woman...within reason people! WITHIN REASON!

The health of the nation

Once again please hit a pause of the last song on the post Why Reggae is Great. Shookran.

This post might be a bit serious for some peoples liking...but it is a serious topic.

So America’s first lady: Michelle Obama is in town and she paid a courtesy visit to South Africa’s honorary first citizen Nelson Mandela.

F##K JZ…. As long as he is alive Mandela will always be more important then any President we elect. Key word in that sentence is as long as he is alive.

How long has he got left anyway? At 93…the man has had a good innings.

After her trip to Mandela, Obama said that he is in good health. But this announcement comes a week after the death of Albertina Sisulu and scant hours after the death of Kader Asmal, both struggle veterans.

Could it be that higher powers are telling Obama what to say so that the country does not hit panic stations and journalists start pitching tents outside Madiba’s home on ‘death watch’? We must remember that the man was in hospital last year for treatment relating to a respiratory tract infection.

One would hate to think that this is the case, but being in a situation where this has happened before….don’t count it out.

As is widely publicised on the Lions Den, I lived in Dubai UAE for two years between from beginning 2005 to the early 2007. I was at a press conference for the 2006 Dubai Marathon at the JW Marriot when it was announced that the Sheikh of the Dubai Emirate (what you would call a Province or a State of the UAE) Sheikh Maktoum died suddenly.

Two weeks of national mourning was declared all the Night Club Establishments and Dance Halls were closed and the radio stations (including the one yours truly worked for) played recordings of the Qur’an [as is tradition when a member of state dies].

Only after the period of morning and the burial did it transpire that Sheikh Maktoum was actually quite ill before he passed on. This was not released to the public at the time of his death or leading up to his death in fear that it would in fact cause national panic.

So it is quite possible that the same will happen with Madiba. Or they will be open and honest about his illness and hope that the country respects the mans legacy enough to not go into a complete state of anarchy.

Guaranteed there will be whole scale panic from the white population.

Madiba must be one of the very few Black leaders who has won the hearts of every white person in the country. Even the generation of Apartheid extremists who were still around when he was elected President in 1994.

Living next door to us at the time was a family relative from my Grandfathers side who was one of Eugene Terrebalnche’s body guards back when the AWB were holding rallies one or twice a month. When it came to the 1994 elections he (like many other white South Africans) believed that there was going to be a civil war and that the ANC would convince the Black people of the country to go on a witch hunt to ‘necklace’ all the whites. So he stocked up on tined beef, backed beans, tined sweet corn, and candles.

The elections came and went peacefully and he was forced to eat his words about the black people. But then he said that the civil war will come when Mandela dies.

There is a stronger case for this then many would care to admit. When Mandela took power he established a party based on sound moral values, which were embraced by leaders such as Thabo Mbeki and Cyril Ramaphosa. However, the leadership of the ANC has deteriorated so much that leaders such as Julius Malema tell the crowd that they must vote for the ANC or Mandela will die!

While Mandela is alive his presence can keep these imbeciles in check and keep them on the moral straight and narrow. With him gone there will no one to keep these miscreants on a proverbial ‘leash’ and who knows what they might do.

Word of the Day

Hi there.

Before we continue please hit a pause on the last song on the post: Why Reggae is great.

I feel like James Bond today. Mainly because some lovely people whom I know (no names will be mentioned) dont know the meaning of self restraint. While the Lion of Lebanon updates: The Lions Den once, maybe twice a week, other people update theirs EVERY DAY.

There is a saying in life which says that if you give a person enough rope they will hang themselves, so now because we have people updating their blogs everyday, our IT man at the work has blocked the blogger website.

Being the ever resourceful man that i am i managed to log on through a proxy hider and am updating this blog. I hope it works.

One thing i usually do partake in is updating my blog after a weekend. Ordinarily it would not be a 'word of the day' post if the last such post was at the end of last week. However events which occurred at the Sharks vs Bulls Super 15 Rugby game on the weekend warrants a word of the day post.

Word:Pajero
Meaning: Spanish slang word meaning 'He who fiddles with himself for sexual gratification'.

So the cops descended on Loftus BEFORE THE ACTUAL RUGBY GAME KICKED OFF and arrested a score of Sharks and Bulls fans for 'public dunkeness and disturbing the peace' they then held these people for only FOUR HOURS BEFORE RELEASING THEM WITH A 'SPOT FINE' OF R150 EACH.

The Pork spokesperson Duane Lightfoot says that the blitz was in the interest of to “maintaining law and order” at the stadium.

Im sorry but you are a Pajero Duane Lightfoot! We all know it was for Nandos money.

Were there RIOTS outside the stadium? Were the supporters acting like DEPERADOS GUNSLINGING AT EVERY TOM, DICK AND HARRY THAT PASSED BY? If the answer is NO to any of these questions Mr Lightfoot then you are FULL OF SHIT and a Fibber! The arresting of people for 'Public Drunkenness' is the easiest way to get bribes off people. And you should know this. ALSO…aren’t you supposed to hold these people overnight and not just for FOUR HOURS!

Then in an article on sport 24 some bitch by the name of Corine van Dyk backs up the porks actions saying that on game days the areas around Loftus are a bit hectic!

You puta de mierda. You live near a stadium bitch, of course you are going to be inconvinienced on game days! But answer me this:... Do these games last five days? NO! Do these games even last ten hours? Once again…NO! Maybe you called the cops because your prostetution business gets affected on game days. Not enough men come knocking on your door to service you.

I wonder if you called the cops during the Soccer World Cup? Or on days when they play soccer at Loftus? If not then not only are you a prostitute but a racist one at that. Guess who wont be recomending your establishment to international visitors.

Words of the Day

Please hit a pause on the last song on the blog title: 'Why Reggae is Great!' Shookran

I had every intention of updating 'The Lions Den' from Lusaka...but as my luck would have it the internet access at the hotel was existent...but extremely limited.

Now I am playing catch up! THANKS PROTEA ARCADES HOTEL LUSAKA! PANOCHA'S!

Words of the day!

First up a normal word, not slang.

WORD: DELECTABLE: extremely beautiful, captivating, attractive, beguiling
Application: Ana Paquin is one of the most delectable woman I have seen in a long time.

Now for some good old street slang!

WORD: OYIBO (sometimes pronounced: yo-hi-bo): Nigerian word for white man which has derogatory connotations associated to it.
Application: I slipped the oyibo the cocaine telling him that they are headache pills. Hopefully the pigs in Accra let him through without arresting his ass!

Word: FINE CHINA: Used to describe a female/male who is hotter then delectable. Has roots in the fact that Chinese Crockery is often considered works of art.
Application: Back that shit up nigga! Just have a look at that piece of fine china right there!

However...may also refer to:

FINE CHINA: the original definition refers to heroin in its purest form. It is a white powder unlike "dirty" heroin which is brown or black. Fine china can be snorted.

Straight to the Shalafain Dictionary they go