Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Its hard to make decisions staring down the barrell of a smoking gun

So the British and Irish Lions are in South Africa to prove once again that the allegations that the men from the north are Toffs is unfounded.

For those who don’t know who or what the hell I am talking about, the British and Irish Lions is an invitational team made up of the best that Wales, Ireland, sometimes England, and sometimes Scotland has to offer. This team assembles every four years and tours either South Africa, the criminal Australian’s or the sheep shagging New Zealanders.

So once every 12 years we get to host a smaller group of about 40 scaly Brits, and a larger group of about 800 rank scaly Brtis. The last tour was in 1996 and we had a crap time of it. The Lions beat South Africa by 2 tests to 1. It could have been the other way around if Henry Honiball kicked more the 1 out of 12 over the three tests, and if someone shot Neil Jenkins it would have helped.

The fact that we were coached by a rank F Ing amateur in 1996 also compounded our woes. At least Peter de Villiers has a decent record behind him.

This time around I think the Lions are staring down the barrel of a smoking gun. And when that happens you cant make decisions.

The Lions starting 15 is a mystery to everyone. Who will play on the day?

Unlike John Robbie who refuses to put his proverbial on the block I have attempted to make a few summations. Lets see how far off I am.

With an invitational team, combinations are important. You want key players who know each others game playing together.

Because England and Scotland have got nothing to offer the Lions this year, the starting team will be predominantly Welsh and Irish. The player who picks himself is the captain Paul O’Connell, a likely lock partner for him will be Donnacha O’Callaghan. You’ll need someone who knows the rhythm of the jumpers to throw into the lineout so Jerry Flannery should play hooker.

Right so there’s your two locks and hooker sorted.

Then we go to the next pivotal game axis, that of your half backs.

Word on the street is that Welshman Mike Phillips is the best that the north has to offer, should that be the case then Stephen Jones will play flyhalf.

2xLocks, 1xHooker, 1xScrumhalf, 1xFlyhalf sorted.

Actually, Flyhalf is still debateable purely because you cant leave out Irishman Brian O’Driscoll out. The brains trust might opt for Ronan O’Gara at flyhalf. However the scrumhalf-flyhalf combination is more important then the flyhalf-centre combination, so I’m going for Jones.

2xLocks, 1xHooker, 1xScrumhalf, 1xFlyhalf, 1xCentre sorted.

It’s a toss up with the rest of the team. Jamie Heaslip should play open side flank, Martyn Williams should play blindside flank, and Andy Powell should play eigthman.

The outside centre berth is a toss up between Jamie Roberts and the Sheep Shagging turncoat Rickie Fluty. Roberts has youth on his side and a six nations trophy to his name. Fluty has the brand turn coat to his.

Welsh wing, and IRB player of the year 2008, Shane Williams picks himself at right wing with Lee Halfpenny and Lee Byrne making up the rest of the back three.

The two token bastards are actually key men to the Lions success. Scottish Tighthead Prop Euan Murray and English Loosehead Prop Andrew Sheridan are key men to break down the Boks dominance in the forwards.

So my Lions starting team is:

15) Lee Byrne
14) Shane Williams
13) Jamie Roberts
12) Brian O’Driscoll
11) Lee Halfpenny
10) Stephen Jones
9) Mike Phillips
8) Andy Powell
7) Martyn Williams
6) Jamie Heaslip
5) Donnacha O’Callaghan
4) Paul O’Connell [Capt]
3) Euan Murray
2) Jerry Flannery
1) Andrew Sheridan

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Bladdy Dumb Yanks

It amazes me that all of the extraterrestrial spotting's that have ever taken place in the world has taken place in the USA. Especially since some of the dumbest bastards in the world come from there. Surely beings of higher intelligence would land in a country inhabited by clever people.

I suppose if you take a cross section of sighting victims you will find that 90% either have the name:Billy Bob or Billy Ray. However, only in a stuffed up society will you have court cases like those found in the Stella Awards.

But now it seems that American mediocrity and stupidity has reared its ugly head again. Here we have some candidates for Idiot of the Year.

Number One Idiot of 2008
I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.
I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the emergency room right away.

Number Two Idiot of 2008
Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747s. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming toward them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locater beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing.

Number Three Idiot of 2008
A desperado, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote this, 'Put all your muny in this bag.' (Please note the spelling) While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and
crossed the street to the Wells Fargo Bank. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note
because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he
would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America.

Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, 'OK' and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America.

Number Four Idiot of 2008
A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, 'Because I don't believe you are over 21.' The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because she didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk.

The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and she put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later.

Idiot Number Five of 2008
A pair of Michigan hoodlams entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, 'Nobody move!' When his partner moved, the startled first hoodlam shot him.

Idiot Number Six of 2008
Arkansas : Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexi-Glass. The whole event was caught on videotape.

Idiot Number Seven of 2008
I live in a semi-rural area,Weyauwega, Wisconsin, a couple recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on a main road.

The reason: 'Too many deer are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Open you mind, the world is bigger then you think

I went to the movies this weekend and was torn between seeing X Men Origins and Angels and Demons. I chose to see the latter as I thought the DaVinci Code was awesome.


ANGELS & DEMONS: Movie Trailer - The funniest videos are a click away

And the movie impressed me. Ah man, did it impress me.

The thing about the movie that impressed me the most was its reality. I’m not going to go into a description of the movie as there might be people that still want to see it. But due to modern science and the advances thereof, the events in the movie are conceivably possible.

The main reason I like movies like that is that it opens your mind to possibilities. I’m not saying that I necessarily take everything represented in the movie as an accurate representation of the truth. I’m just saying that there is the possibility that certain information/events represented in the movie are truthful.

So I go to my best mates parents house and tell them that I saw the movie. My best friends dad then looks me square in the eye and says: “You just contributed R40 towards heresy.” According to him, the movie is heretic and by me paying my R40 to see the movie, I’m contribution towards royalties, therefore I’m contributing towards heresy.

Right so I am: a hooligan, a mujahid, an idiot, and now a heretic. The names are piling up.

Look I value his opinion and believe that people are entitled to them. However, I think that it is a fairly narrow minded view on the world. The world is far bigger then the catholic faith. Far bigger. Before I moved to Dubai I thought that the world consisted of South Africa, but the world is far bigger then the sphere that you live in.

And I’m sorry, if a show like the DaVinci Code, and Angels and Demons cause me to have a crisis of faith, then how strong am I in that faith?

To have a narrow view on religion is tantamount to being a radical fundamentalist. A WHAT you ask? A radical fundamentalist, a person who really takes his faith so seriously that he will both die and take lives for his/her faith at a whim.

Let me take this point to clarify something up. And it goes back to the whole “The world is bigger then your sphere” argument.

I lived in Dubai for two years, while there I traveled the Middle East and visited places like Saudi Arabia, Jordan, and Bahrain. So I experienced a fair amount of Arab Culture. I also had a lot of Arab friends so I had an inside view to the faith of Islam. When I came back what was the first question the thick bastards in South Africa ask me: “Do they all walk around with bombs strapped to their chests?”

WTF I ask you WTF! Thats like an American asking a South African: "So do you have Lions in your back garden?"

But that’s the perception that everyone has! A typical terrorist these days is an Arab, with a turban on his head, with a beard protruding from his chin. Sounds like Osama Bin Laden, doesn’t it?

I don’t blame people for having this view. The only real exposure that we as South Africans get to Arab culture is when Bin Laden is F Ing up New York, or when Palestine is F Ing up Israel. What I blame people for is believing what the media portrays as the truth!

People, take the time out to try and understand the culture. If you got off your high horse for 10 minutes you will see that acts of violence such as suicide bombings are condemned by the Qu'uran.

This now goes into Jihad, or holy war, where a lot of these radical fundamentalists will use a war to defend their faith as an excuse to kill people.

The Prophet Muhammad, Peace Be Upon Him, defines Jihad very plainly in the Qu'uran. He says that there is the greater and the lesser Jihad. The greater Jihad is the battle within oneself between good and evil. The lesser Jihad is a Jihad where one defends his/her faith.

And even that has its rules. One cannot openly declare Jihad unless: a)Muslims are unjustly oppressed, or b)the faith of Islam is being attacked.

And the Jihad can only be carried out against those who are directly oppressing Muslims or Islam. No innocent civilians must be killed.

What I am trying to say is that we as society needs to open its mind to cultures and possibilities. The view that you had 100 years ago can not possible last now. And the world is much bigger then your sphere of existence.

All's fair in Love and War.

Good news to all the Shalafain massive! I am in a better space, so the postings should be back to their impeccably high standards once again.

My girlfriend inspired this topic last night and we felt that it would be a excellent topic to explore.

We all know the saying “All’s fair in love and war” but what does that really mean?

It means that when you are desperately in love with a person, you only see yourself with that person, and you are prepared to go the extra mile for that person, and you will die for that person, and…well you get the point, but as soon as everything goes PETE-TONG (See Shalafain dictionary for definition) the gloves come off, and there is no semblance of the once strong love.

The biggest example of this concerns a certain Mel Gibson, who is fast going down the route of Tom Cruise in religious matters. For a number of years, 30 to be exact, Gibson was married to Robyn Denise Moore with whom he had one daughter and six sons.

Since 2000 the couple had been separated with Mrs Gibson filing for a divorce citing ‘irreconcilable differences’, now this is turning out to be the most expensive divorce in history.

Basically, the US courts ruled that Mrs Gibson was entitled to half of everything as Mel was a relatively unknown actor when they got married and he built up his wealth with her as his support.

What is this wealth you ask? The movies Mel has acted in have grossed more than two billion dollars in the US alone, he has an avid interest in real estate investments, with multiple properties in Malibu, California, several locations in Costa Rica, a private island in Fiji and properties in Australia.

All lovey dovey when you together and happy, but don’t piss them off. They will take you to the cleaners! Believe that!

Another famous divorce concerns a certain Sir Paul McCartney and Heather Mills. Who he married after a whirlwind relationship.

The marriage lasted just over five years before Mills started referring to McCartney as: a boring old fart.

The fact that McCartney never had many friends perturbed Mills, she was also upset with the fact that they lived on a very secluded estate in Peasmarsh. But the real breakdown of their marriage, according to Mills, was the actions of McCartney’s daughter Stella who she described as a: ‘psycho little bitch’. During the court case it was leaked to the media that McCartney was often drunk, smoked cannabis, stabbed her with a broken wine glass, pushed her over a table, and pushed her into a bathtub when she was pregnant with their daughter.

Bear in mind that while the two were married, Mills would tour with McCartney and be seen next to him at every public appearance, she also granted very few interview to protect the families private life. But you see, Paul pissed her off, so the knives came out!

Mills initially asked for £125-million, she stated that she needed about £360,000 for personal security, £175,000 for her daughter’s security, £176,000 a year for clothes, and the ownership of four home’s, one in Beverly Hills, one on Long Island and two in England with a combined value of £5,700,000 as well as £8 million (up to £12,500,000) to buy a home in London, £3 million to buy a home in New York, and £750,000 to buy an office in Brighton, England, for Mills’ sister. She also asked for £1 million for legal expenses, £650,500 a year for donations to charities, £650,400 a year to run seven properties with staff, £500,000 a year for holidays, £186,000 a year for chartered helicopters, £43,300 a year for a chauffeur, £20,000 a year for a caregiver, and £191,150 a year for "professional expenses". Mills unexpectedly asked for £40,000 a year for wine (although she rarely drinks alcohol) and £30,000 a year for equestrian activities. In the end she got £50-million.

Now I can understand how Moore was entitled to half of Gibson's wealth because most of his wealth was made during their marriage. But how the Hell did the psycho judge give Mills £50-million?

At the end of the day the male species are ill advised to underestimate the ruthlessness of a woman scorned. Although she loves you and cares for you during the good times, if you piss her off sufficiently, shell take you to the cleaners. Believe that!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Mujahideen and Divine Retribution

I really am not in a good space at the moment. Let me state that from the outset. I apologise if people have expectations about what these posts should be like, cause this will very possibly be way below my usually high standards.

According to Wikipedia, which granted is not the best source of information in the world, the word Mujahideen can be described as a group of people who are involved in a personal struggle. The singular version is a Mujahid, which in South Africa he would be called a struggalista, but owing to my roots, well go with Mujahid.

I am a part of a Mujahideen. So much so that I am asking people to forget about calling me the Lion of Lebanon and start calling me a Mujahid instead.

You spend your whole life interested in a sporting team, you invest copious amounts of emotion in a team who you really become emotionally attached to. To be frank I don’t give a toss about soccer, my team in the Sharks. Besides my girlfriend The Sharks mean the world to me. I have been supporting them since 1988 and wait in eager anticipation for them to succeed.

And here we are the end of another Super rugby season where my boys have made COMPLETE TITS of themselves! Being top of the log the whole season to throw the tournament away in the last few weeks GRATES MY BALLS! Especially loosing to The Bulls, especially loosing by 1 point after we scored the four tries that we needed to too make the Semi Finals.

In all of my years of supporting The Sharks I have never been upset to the stage where I say that I was disappointed in my team. But you know what: I am now. I’m disappointed by the fact that we led the tournament until the last four weeks where we decided to loose, I’m disappointed in the fact that we played conservative rugby the whole tournament where we never really chased four try bonus points games. I’m disappointed that we lost games that we should have won. Its unacceptable to be labeled one of the highest rated underachievers in the tournament, but we deserve that label! I really feel like a Liverpool fan, I might just have to wait 20 years to win a Super trophy.

But all of this can be put down to divine retribution. To God punishing me for giving copious amounts of shit to people about the teams they support. Maybe I shouldn’t give Michael so much shit that he supports the Lions. Michael I’m sorry boy. Please support who you want, you’ll never hear me chirp you about it again!

And its funny how fickle divine retribution can actually be. Me and my girlfriend hatched a plan to sneak in some quality time before church on Sunday night. We said that we would meet in the car park and that I would give her something at her car while her parents and her brother is inside. We would then steal a kiss. Turns out she arrived later then expected, so the whole ‘stolen quality time’ was not what we both expected. Then after church I unintentionally forget to shake her dads hand after he offered his hand to me!

I am a doos! WITH A CAPITAL D!

But that’s what you get for trying to do shit like that on holy ground. What did we expect things to go smoothly? I’m actually an idiot for thinking that it would! The laws of divine retribution says that we were doomed to fail!

What the failed attempt did do was bring us closer together as we now have our first embarrassing moment to share. I love you my girl, and we will always have that failed attempt in the church yard to look back at and laugh about.

What really brought me trough this whole disappointing weekend, because the Deccan Chargers lost as well and the West Indies are on the brink of humiliation in England, was my girl friend! She really calmed me down, made me realise that it is all just a game and there will be next year. She was there to pick up the pieces and to put me in my place to tell me to stop acting like a 5 year old crying over spilt Oros. I really love her and realised this weekend that she means the world to me. More then she knows I think. I hope you read this my love. I love you.

So its another year of waiting. And please, don’t feel shy to call me a Mujahid, I bladdy deserve it.

Friday, May 15, 2009

Good Old America

Last week Friday I was at a mates house having a few shots and smoking a bit of hubbly when we decided to put a movie on. Flipping through the movie selection we came across the random looking “BALLS OF FURY” which is a random ass show about a washed up ping pong player that takes an assignment for the feds to infiltrate the Triads. And how does this idiot do it? Through ping pong.

Once again, DRUGGIE DIRECTORS WHO HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO WITH THEIR TIME AND MONEY THEN MAKE SHIT!

If you were wondering if there was a point to this post, well there is. In the movie. The washed up ping pong player gets trained by some blind ass Chinese dude and his fit granddaughter. During his training one of the themes was the inherent mistrust for westerners by Chinese people who refer to him as Gwaaido. Which could be or could not be a racial slur.

Growing up in south Africa you are exposed to racial slur’s whither you like it or not, or whither it is intentional or unintentional. And its funny how not many people are aware of them.

The most famous racial slurs surprisingly come form America. The good old US of A who had a lot of shit to say about South Africa and its apartheid policies but are behind the scenes the biggest bunch of racists in the world.

The Americans coined the term ‘Wagon Burner’ which is a racial slur to describe the Red Indians who were the first inhabitants of America. The name came about during the expansion of the Wild West when the Indians would ride in and burn the settlers wagons.

America also introduced the name to the rest of the world. So much so that ‘Wagon Burner’ is a term used to describe all people of Indian decent, whither they are from India or the USA. I was sitting at dinner in Zambia and the conversation turned to curry and the gentleman opposite me said: The best curries in the world come form South Africa, my friend, who is a real Wagon Burner says so.

Now to me there are two problems with that statement. 1) the person is nothing but a racist, and 2) If he insists on using racial slurs to describe people, don’t use wagon burners to describe Indian people from India as the Indian People from India had no wagons to burn.

Another racial slur popularised by the Yanks is Gook. Which is a racial slur describing Korean people. Legend has it that during the Korean War, an American officer was asking directions from a Korean man who couldn’t understand English. The Korean looked at the American and said: Mi Gook which is Korean for American. The Yank mistook it for a description of himself, hence the name Gook describing all people from Korea.

But who can blame the Yanks though. They themselves were the subject of racial slurs at one point in time.

During the Mexican-American war, which ended with General Custer’s last stand at the Alamo. The American Army colonising Mexico at the time used to wear green uniforms. As a voice of defiance, the Mexicans would scream at the top of their voices: Green Go Home. They would then take out their six shooters, shoot the shit out of anything American, take Tequila out of their saddle bags, get horribly drunk and do their Sombrero dance.

But the shout of Green Go Home was what gave birth to the Gringo racial slur.

So for all of South Africa’s shaded past, America are actually responsible for the most popular racial slurs in History!

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Things aint what they seem in music

Things are not always what they seem in the music industry. 90% of this can be attributed to the fact that music artists are over worked and need sustenance to keep their energy levels up at times when it is down.

I briefly touched on this issue in an earlier post: one hit wonders and I though that it would be apt to explore this issue in a bit more depth.

Drugs are amazing things. I am not speaking form personal experience as I am a good Catholic boy and don’t condone the use of drugs. MUGS ABUSE DRUGS. I just think that drugs are amazing because they can make people do amazing stuff.

The best story I have heard involves a certain mister Reginald Dwight otherwise known as Elton John.

Now Elton John is a homosexual, by his on admission I am not labelling him, and has always been. But he was married to a woman at one stage in his career. Watching a documentary about him on the history channel he said that he was so high on drugs that he forgot that he was a homosexual.

I’m sorry? What? He was so high on drugs that he forgot that he was homosexual! How much drugs was the man on? The scary thing is that he was married to the woman for four years!

Now you see people will not know this. They watch him on stage and follow his music and think that he is the best thing since sliced bread. And he is a quality performer.

The same situation rings true with probably one of the greatest rock bands of all times, Queen. Rumours were rife about front man Freddy Mercury and the lavish parties that he used to host at his London hacienda. Apparently, servants used to walk around with platters of Blow (cocane).

But its funny how most of the best songs of all time were written while on drugs. Bob Marley’s No woman No Cry, Queens Bohemian Rhapsody, and even the Rolling Stones Start Me Up.

This was a big issue in the movie Walk the Line which is a rather brutal portrail of the life of the signing cowboy Johnny Cash who had a huge battle with amphetamines. When he got clean at the end of his career, he even sang about the fact that he was on drugs. At his live performance at Folsom Prison he sang Cocaine Blues that basically outlines his addiction.

Johnny Cash - Cocaine Blues


Found at bee mp3 search engine


Speaking of musical artists performing in Prisons. You have to admire Cash’s balls for doing such an album. Mind you he had a big following in the Prisons as he often sang about being in trouble with the law. His Live at Folsom Prison was his comeback album that no record label wanted to endorse. At the end, the record outsold The Beetles and Bob Dylan.

Imagine if a local artist had to perform in Prisons? The only cats that would fit in would be Mandoza or HHP

The next issue worth mentioning is non drug related.

One of my favourite bands of all time is UB40. They must be one of the best bands in the world that never recorded a hit that they wrote the music to themselves. In fact, most of their hits such as Kingston Town and Red Red Wine are covers.

I came across this when I purchased an album called: Reggae Classics on Capital Gold. On the second CD I hear bladdy Johnny Nash belting out Red Red Wine. Perturbed I asked my West Indian Cockney friend that I was working with at the time about this and he said: Mate 90% of UB40’s work are covaz!

I will admit that their version of Red Red Wine is better.

Probably their best cover is of the Temptations classic: The way you do the things you do.


The Temptations- 'The Way You Do The Things You Do' - Click here for more home videos

Basically they took it, quickened the beat, changed the feel from soul to jazzy and changed a few lyrics. And that F for it, ohhh man, what a song. Lets just say that my girlfriend is a huge fan.


UB40 - The Way You Do The Things You Do - The most amazing home videos are here

The only song that they did that was as good as the original is: I Cant Help Falling In Love With You.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Swine Flu and Cops

Good Morning.

So the big thing at the moment is the Swine Flu virus. Although it is a virus that is likely to kill a lot of people, society has tried to see the lighter side of the virus.

It really didn’t take long for jokes to come out about the Swine Flu and the PO PO, the best one I heard was this heavy Dutchman from the East Rand go on Highveld Stereo and ask: “If this Pig Flu virus are so bat, then does that mean that all the Cops arrest dieing?”

Imagine a world without cops? Granted society would be plunged into total anarchy because the basic security system has been broken down, but how good is the basic security system in South Africa really?

N.W.A. - Fuck Tha Police


Found at bee mp3 search engine


My fascination with the cops came after watching a programme on soccer hooliganism. Basically the scene was a bunch of drunk Scots causing havoc in London Chanting: LETS GO FING MENTAL! LETS GO FING MENTAL. A cop then tries to calm them down when the Scots chant: WE AINT GOING NOWHERE! WE AINT GOING NOWHERE.

Everyone has had at least one run in with the law at some stage of his or her life. Here are some of mine:

October 2002
Setting: M&A in the Glen shopping centre.
Me and a mate (I wont mention any names to protect innocent parties) were getting a bit molar at M&A when my mate announces that we should go and visit Teazers. So the three of us go in 2 separate cars. Approaching Teazers in Rivonia can be a bit of a task as the circle is a bit big and very daunting when you have a nervous drunk like my friend behind the wheel. We took a turn at the Sheiks Palace and wanted to do a quick detour down a one way road. The distance was 20 metres, It was 12 at night and the likelihood of anyone being on that road at that time was slim. So we turn up the road and stare down the face of a cop car! He flipps on the siren and tells us to pull off the road. So we pull off and a cop come to the drivers window and tell us how dangerous is was what we did. No his suspicion is up and he asks us where we were going. To Zurised to say we were going to Teazers we lied and told him we looking for a friend who is lost. He asked us where and we told him We don’t know.

Anyway 30 minutes later he says to us that we are lying to him and he will have to take us to the station. So we said we going to Teazers. The bastard cop bursts out laughing and tells us: “Boys, its not a sin to go to Teazers.” He told us how to get there and we got off scot-free.

August 2005
Setting: Gas Station in Al Barsha Dubai During Ramadaan.

After a night out on the piss at a mates house I stop off at a garage and buy a Subway sandwich. On my way to work I decide that I want to eat it cause I am hungry! HUGE MISTAKE! A cop car stops next to me, rolls down his window and goes off at me in Arabic. At the time, hungover and 3 months in Dubai, my Arabic was limited to: MUFI ARABIA (no Arabic – meaning I don’t understand you sir). He tells me in his broken English that I must come with him to the station. I really didn’t want to until he pulled out the cuffs. So I followed him there and he took me to the station commander. The station commander hears the cops complaint and looks at me and says: Do you know its Ramadaan? I say yes but I’m not Muslim. He asked if I work in Dubai and How long I have been there. I told him 3 months and he was very understanding and told me that although I am not Muslim eating in public during Ramadaan is illegal, even for non Muslims. He gave me a warning and apologised for any inconvenience that I was caused.

October 2005
Setting: SAFA Park Um Al Quain Dubai.

A few mates and me were having a BBQ in Safa park and drinking a bit. I wasn’t drinking as I was driving. But I had to take a pissed friend home. Driving with a drunk passenger is illegal in Dubai, unless you a taxi, so I told her to behave. As we approach cop cars at the entrance of Saffa park, she rolls down the window and screams at the top of her voice: ‘You cant take me back to jail, Im not going back” Before the cops saw who it was I pulled into a side street, dragged her into the backseat and got the hell out of there.

Ok Fine! Im a hooligan when I drink!

Everyone has a go at the cops. Particularly because they can be a bunch of miserable bastards! That prime example of British society: A one Mr Ali G has a go at the cops often!


Ali G Dangerous Weapons - The most popular videos are here

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

A change is good and can last for life

Two of the most potent sportsmen I have ever seen in my life are the current top two tennis players in the world Mr Rafael Nadal and Mr Roger Federer.

Now this is a bladdy big statement coming from a person obsessed with Rugby, but it is the truth.

Ever since I reported on the 2005 Dubai Tennis championship final between Nadal and Federer, I have an increased appreciation for the sport.

Nadal ended up beating Federer in a final that lasted nearly four hours. And it was a HUGE STRUGGLE for the Spaniard.

But since then, Nadal has been unstoppable and has had the measure of Federer on many occasions. And now Federer has gone and done the worst thing in the world! He got married!

No don’t get me wrong! I AM NOT AGAINST MARRIAGE, I think committing yourself to one partner for the rest of your life is a beautiful and admirable thing! Its just that your life changes so much when you get married that sportsmen often loose focus on other things.

And it is hard to focus on other things when one person consumes your mind to a point that you cant breathe without thinking of that person.

Recent developments in my personal life have seen me become romantically involved with a very beautiful girl, who really means the world to me. I wake up in the morning praising the day and looking forward to a while day where I can talk to her and just be with her.

Surprisingly my work hasn’t gone down the tube. I am still as motivated as before to go to work and do my best for her and to make her proud. Trust me, nothing is more likely to get me fired up then my girl reading a cover story on a copper mine opening in Zambia and telling me what a good job I did! All I want to do is write better articles so that she can be proud of me and tell the world what a great guy I am. Truth be told, there also no better affirmation then your significant other telling her friends to read a blog like this!

You go baby, rake up the support! I love u my girl.



Oh damn, what were we talking about again? Ah yes.

A lot of marriages have broken up over sports issues. A one Mr Brett Lee was once granted compassionate leave after his marriage broke down. Basically his wife left him because he was away from home to much. A one Mr Tony Parker has also lost his sporting potency after tying the knot with the equally fit Eva Longoria.

The biggest debate on any sports tour is what to with the WAGS (wives and girlfriends), at the 2006 FIFA World Cup in Germany, much of England’s failure was blamed solely on the distraction posed by the WAGS.

But is not all doom and gloom. Some sportsmen come back even stronger after they tie the knot. Tiger Woods, even with his kak attitude, is a much better player now then he was when he was dating the Swedish super model.

On a lighter note. I love You Tube. You are bound to find some of the funniest stuff known to mankind on there,


This arab is singing about Tabbouleh Salad. How class is that? Its so great I uploaded it 3 times!



Monday, May 4, 2009

Normality has returned to the force!

Looks like a measure of normality has returned after a month of complete unpredictability.

I managed to stay sober and out of trouble this weekend. Normality 1. No one got F'D up at San Vineros this weekend. Normality 2. And the rugby results went as expected this weekend. Normality 3.

All the top teams in the Super 14 won this week and it is making it a interesting last 2 weeks of the regular season.

The Crusaders host the struggling Reds who could be without playmaker Barrick Barnes who tweaked a groin muscle while kicking before the Brumbies game. The Reds are travelling and they don’t travel well. Crusaders should win and move up to a tentative 3rd spot on 37 points.

There is a nothing game in the Friday evening fixture between the Lions and the Highlanders. Hopefully the Lions can win to prove they are not as KAK as everyone thinks they are.

The biggest game of the tournament is the first game up on Saturday. My New Zealand team, the Chiefs, are back in the land of the long white cloud and are at home in Hamilton to try curtail a late charge by the Hurricanes.

Should the Canes win they stay top of the log on 43 points or 44 points. Much will depend on the Chiefs defence as the teams are equally potent in attack.

The difference will be at fly half where its my man Steven Donald up against Piri Weepu. With Dan Carter out until October, much of All Blacks coach Graham ‘miserable bastard’ Henry’s focus will be on this game to find the incumbent first five eighth.

Should the Chiefs win they stay second with 41 or 42 points. Im hoping for a Canes win. Ill explain why later.

The Brumbies play the Blues and have to hope that the two form South African teams loose in order for either of them to make the semi’s. The Blues should curb the Brumbies winning streak.

The Sharks host the Waratah’s and if they win then they will go to 40 or 41 points, which will move them into 2nd (should the chiefs loose and get no points and stay on 37.) They will be without Rory Kockott who dribed an oak on the field on the weekend. However, Ruan Pienaar is back.

The Bulls have an easy win game against the Cheetahs in Pretoria. The Bulls will win, and move to 41 or 42 points. And Second spot (provided the chiefs loose)

The last game is another nothing game. The Stormers host the Force, none of whom have a chance of making the playoffs.

Im hoping for a Canes win so that the SA boys can make headway into the Semi finals. 1 plays four and 2 plays three. If the Canes finish top and the chiefs fourth, it will be a Kiwi semi final number 1 with a Bulls vs Sharks Semi final 2 in PTA.

If all the top four win then they stay the same. But then both the Bulls and the Sharks have to travel for their Semi finals.

Go the Canes.

The IPL is amazing, fantastic. The cricket is great, the atmosphere is electric. But the access to and from the stadium is kak and the dancing girls are pathetic!

Recent developments in my personal life means I cant look at other woman like I used to, and Im loving it. But really, when the dancing girls get up on stage to bust some moves and they look as fat as a Bar Code stripe I have a problem. Feed the cows. It doesn’t cost much, a happy meal at Mc Donalds is 15 rand! And don’t even get me started on how heavy they dance. Out of Coordination like you cant believe!

Right. So the rocket scientists in South Africa decided to close off one double lane in Corlett Drive to allow access to the stadium. At the end of the game you have 30 000 people trying to squeeze through a space that fits 2 cars side by side. Then you get the bastard Bollywood VIP wankers trying to drive their cars out at the same time as the crowd leaves. WTF!!!!!!!! They then in essence make the lane even smaller. Their motocade took 45 minutes to travel 10 meters and good for them!

Their head of security detail was walking next to the car that had Shah Rukh Khan in the car. He looked at me and said that he didn’t expect this. I said: You not a local right. He told me he is from Manchester.

The best time to get the VIP’s out with no effort is either 20 minutes before the end of the game or 40 minutes after the end of the game.

A one Mr Francois Pienaar was stuck in the traffic and he had every random piss cat in the world walking to his window and asking for a photo and Pienaar smiled for every one of them. That’s how a celeb should be.