Going back in time a bit

Salamu.

I can finally tell you the news which I have been somewhat elusive about over the past few weeks. I have handed in my resignation at my current company and am making a move down to the warmer climates of the land of the Zulus where I will be a Cricket Writer for one of the country’s oldest daily newspapers.

Hopefully then I will be afforded full access to my blog page and I wont have to act like a scaly bastard using proxy hiders and such!

However, this means that I wont have to wait until Easter to get out hand at Kings Park because the first purchase I am going to make when I settle down in Durban are season tickets to the Shark Tank so I will be able to get “out of hand” every weekend! This also means that I will have to make a last run at Hooters in Johannesburg!

My last appearance there included chatting up a rather young, busty waitress who was showing ample cleavage (not unusual), breaking the record and drinking 8 litres of beer in a single sitting (very proud of this), and leaning out of the window of Stalkers car pumping Duck Sauce’s new number: The Big Bad Wolf and howling at the Askria!

I KNOW! I KNOW! I am a hooligan when I am drunk! But it isn’t me, it’s my alter ego: Ahmed the Lebanese Terrorist!

Fortunately Ahmed doesn’t have permanent residency both in South Africa and in my sometimes rather disturbed mind so I can go to Hooters and actually walk out there sober as a judge. The problem is that when that happens Adam’s (Stalker) alter ego: Sao Feng comes out.

I have spoken about one of my more sober occasions at Hooters here before. It was the time that myself and Stalker were made to feel old by the waitresses. I have always been fascinated by human nature and how smells, tastes, songs, movies and even seasons can take you back in time to a particular juncture.

On the night we were made to feel like old bastards I heard the Armand Van Helden number: MY MY MY MY played in the radio on the way to Hooters. This took me back to a time where I was driving down Jumeirah Beach Road on my way to visit a then girlfriend of mine. Dubai 2006 was one of the most adventurous years of my life. All the top songs that get played from 2006 take me back there. Shakira’s Hips Don’t Lie takes me back to Scarlet’s and the World Cup Soccer Match match between England and Sweden, the night I met my Essex Girlfriend. R Kelly’s Burn It Up takes me back to a Sheesha Bar near Deira City Centre where me and the boys, one of whom was Essex Girlfriends brother who often used to rip through Abu Dhabi with me, had to play Poker (for money) in the back room of the bar so as not to raise the suspicions of the Askria who we had to pay off more then once anyway!

Anyway, back to Hooters, it was the night of the Cricket World Cup final and we had to have a shot on Gary Kirsten who was coaching India at the time. I had a Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich, which again took me right back to Dubai and Charley’s Grilled Subs where you will not get any better Philly Cheese Steak Sandwich anywhere in the world! ON MY LIFE!

On all of my trips to Durban I stop off at the Caltex Garage in Van Reenens Pass which is exactly half way to Durban. I always have a Double Chicken and Cheese Burger from the Country Burger Inn at the garage because they are the second best chicken burgers in the world.

These also put me on a trip of nostalgia to Mozambique 2004. This was my first holiday out of the country and a whole group of us were driving in convoy. We were hungry and decided to stop off and get a bite of something to eat. We find this marooned hull of a ship near Xai Xai with tables and chairs outside of it. Interested, we go in and find it is a restaurant. So we order a chicken & cheese burger and the following excerpt is a certified classic.

Me: I would like a chicken burger please.
Cashier: What part of the Chicken you want?
Me: Breast please.
Cashier: Very good.
He then turns to the back and starts screaming at his accomplice in the kitchen.

Cashier: Hey Manuel! Trazer uma galinha para a frente! [Hey Manuel! Bring a chicken to the front]
Manuel: Que porra é essa de? [What the f##k for?]
Cashier: Porque eu quero jogar cartas com ele seu idiota! Eu tenho uma encomenda de um hambúrguer de frango aqui! [Because I want to play cards with it you moron! I have an order for a chicken burger here!}
Manuel: Eu dice que com este talhador de carne! Dê-me dois segundos, o frango está chegando! [I'll dice you with this meat cleaver! Give me two seconds, the chicken is comming]

Manuel then brings this LIVE chicken to the front, slaughters it in front of me, cuts out the breast and then as he is about to go to the back and cook it...

Cashier: não se esqueça de colocar um pouco de queijo sobre ela seu idiota [dont forget to put some cheese on it you moron]
Manuel: Doente tem que perguntar a sua irmã e seu cousen para virar na cama para que eu possa obtê-lo embora [Ill have to ask your sister and your cousen to turn over in the bed so that I can get it though]

Despite this gruesome spectacle, and the rather interesting conversation which I understood every Word of, it was by a COUNTRY MILE the best chicken burger I have ever had!