Being single at 30

Salamu

Being single in your 30s is not fun. It’s the time in your life where a chilled night having a few drinks with friends over dinner looks way more appealing than getting shit faced at a club.  All of a sudden, the music at

Great lyrics bro! Took you all day to come up with it.

these places are too loud, young thundercats are running around trying to make a name for themselves either as the next big MMA fighter of his generation or the next big drinker of his generation, the music that these thundercats listen to (that Hardwell Tomorrow Land bullshit) has absolutely no soul, and it takes you three days to recover from a hangover.

These are some of the challenges that being single at 30 presents. But there is another challenge, a far deeper one.

What type of woman do you go after at 30? If you are targeting the age group of 26 years and under, you will still have to go to clubs and listen to that Hardwell Tomorrow Land bullshit music that has no soul. And do you really want to be that 30 year old at the club? If you are targeting the age group of 26 to 30, you will find them at a hipster bar drinking a craft beer trying to ‘define their life’ during their quarter life crisis. And if you are targeting the age group of over 30, they come with the challenge of divorces and quite possibly kids.

We live in interesting time my friends.

So…if the prospect of going to a club and a hipster gathering scares the shit out of you, what’s left? INTERNET DATING.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are a lot of internet dating success stories. I’m just giving you my point of view. My 8 things you have to come to terms with when internet dating:

11)      There is no such thing as a free lunch. You will be expected to pay for internet dating. Yes there are free sites like OK Cupid. But the decent ones will cost you.

22)      Be prepared to scrape the bottom of the barrel. A supermodel or a cute girl can pick up a guy standing in the line at the Department of  Home Affairs. All she needs to do is flash him a smile and lick her lips seductively. A Plain Jane or a girl who is not looked at twice at school will be on the internet. Don’t go onto the net expecting to find a supermodel or a cute girl.

33)      Be prepared to encounter psycho’s. There is only one other reason that a decent looking girl will be on

the internet. She’s mad. This girl has escaped from a mental institution and is completely Loony Tunes. She might be relatively normal around you, but she has regular imaginary conversations with Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam.

44)      Be prepared to enter the Twilight zone. And no, this is not the Twilight zone of teenage porn vampires and werewolves. This is the Steven Spielberg Twilight Zone of freakiness. You must remember, to date on the internet, you must lose a bit of shame. So, be prepared for weird requests. I met a girl on Tinder and we got talking. Not even 10 whatsapp messages later she tells me her prepaid internet is up and asks me to by some for her. And then she still gave me shit because I asked her how she can do this after only starting to talk to me.

55)      They will be needy. Sometimes needy as F##k. Because of points two and three above, there is a good chance that these girls will be needy. I met a girl on OK Cupid and we got talking. And it was nice for the first few days having someone to talk to, you know, to get you through the long day at work. But there are times when you don’t want to talk to a person who sits with their phone in their hands waiting desperately for you to reply to them. And when you don’t chat to them EVERY SINGLE DAY…THE WHOLE DAY you get messages like: Did I do something wrong? We don’t chat as often as we did. And then when you don’t answer her because you are driving….you get 15 messages where there are just question marks (?)

66)      You will be asked stupid questions. As much as I love technology, it is a curse at times. It is definitely a curse on relationships. But before you venture out and meet the girl from the internet in person, you have to chat on social media first. The same girl who asked me if she did something wrong once asked me if she was awesome. Now I mentioned to her before what she was awesome to talk to because we had a lot in common. But I don’t feel that there is a need to tell a person that they are awesome every day unless you are dating them and are serious about them.

77)      Don’t expect the perfect woman. Ok. This applies to both real dating and internet dating. Just like the

perfect guy is a unicorn, the perfect woman is a unicorn. A mythical creature! But this is even worse with internet dating. A girl you meet at a social event usually attends social events and has a relative idea on how to carry herself in such environments. A person you meet on the internet does not have this skill. Be prepared for awkward silences, the dreaded one word answers to questions like: yes, no, ok. And don’t expect to talk for hours on end without stopping. More like, be prepared to sit in silence for hours upon end without talking.

88)      Make sure you are on the same page with things. Interests are funny things. Many people share interests, but there are some people who have specifically unique interests that cannot be shared. I have very unique interests. I love sport to the extent that I am a fanatic about it. I am also very interested in ancient civilizations. Now to find a girl that has the same level of interest as me is hard. And if you cant. You will be able to communicate for the first week, and then it’s the one word answers.

Relationships are hard work at the best of times, but to date the female version of Sheldon Cooper is another beast altogether. Internet dating is definitely not for everyone. One thing you do need is a well-planned exit strategy.  Talk and get to know her on whatsapp or BBM. There is a great function on these apps called: Block contacts.

It’s like bug spray on steroids. Because sometimes you use bug spray and they just keep coming back at you. With block contacts, only you can unblock them, and why would you if they are bat shit crazy?

Is there hope for people who are single in their 30s? Of course there is. You just can’t use the same tactics you did when you were 20. At 20, you wanted to bang anything that had beautiful eyes, a cute smile, and licked her lips seductively. At 30 you need to be a bit more selective. Look for inner beauty as opposed to outer beauty. Because if shed is smoking hot…but single at 30, someone kicked her to the curb for a reason.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Growing up in South Africa

Salamu

So I turned 32 on Saturday. And while I am  by no means over the hill, or overly experienced at this whole

thing called life, I can say that I have lived a bit and have experienced things that some of my 30 year old friends haven’t.

One of the things I have to deal with on a fairly regular basis is stupid questions about South Africa. I meet people pretty often and some of them are introduced to me through friends I have in other countries. I was speaking to a friend in Northern Ireland one the weekend and one of the people he introduced me to asked me if we have lions as pets and what do we feed them. Another person, this time from Canada, asked me if Black People still walk around with chains around their necks as if they are slaves.

I thought that they were joking and I told them that I find their attempt at humor a bit dry for my liking…but humorous none the less. I was then devastated to find out that they were in fact being dead serious.

This prompted me to write this post: Growing up in South Africa.

I was born in 1982, so I only really grew up in the 90s. And the 90s in South Africa was an exciting time, Apartheid was coming to an end and a bunch of old farts who previously had a stranglehold on privileges in the country were coming to terms with the fact that these had to now in fact be shared out. A frightening thought indeed for these people. These people were easily identifiable, they always wore smart pants and button down shirts…even to the local super markets. At these supermarkets, they could be found in the aisle’s where the canned beef and baked beans were stocked. They would be buying R1 000 (which was quite alot in those days) worth of the stuff  to go with their R5 000 (a lifetimes supply) stock of candles. If they were not at the supermarket, they were in church praying that they be forgiven for their sins, or on their front yard porches cleaning out their shotguns and rifles.

I know that the majority of my posts are humorous…but this is not an attempt at that humor. I am in fact being quite serious.

The reason for this is that the National Party (the ruling political party at the time), had made the firm decision to release the late Nelson Mandela from prison. This would mean that democratic elections were inevitable and that the ANC would take over control. This was a frightening thought for the older white population as they feared an ANC apocalypse on white people similar to that of the zombie apocalypse seen on The Walking Dead. And this all had to do with the release of one man.

There was a lot of hype about the release of Nelson Mandela, and by the stories I was told of the man as a youngster….I was expecting a psycho crazed mad man with 35 bombs strapped to his chest and an AK47 in each hand to appear on the TV. I was quite surprised, and surprisingly disappointed, when a normal looking….older black man appeared on the TV. I walked up to my mom and grandfather and told them that they were full of shit for lying to me. Fast forward four years to the first elections and we saw lines at voting stations where people waited up to 5 hours to cast their vote. As with all countries, old people, disabled people and people with babies get put to the front of the cue. My cousin was three at the time, so we recycled her among all the family members at one voting station and then took her to another and passed her between 15 friends at other stations. That child had 19 mothers that day!

So while the 90s was a frightening time for the older white South Africans, it was a great time for younger white South Africans because we didn’t actually give a crap about blacks vs whites and racism and all of that bullshit. We just spent the time laughing at the old people telling them how full of shit they are…no matter what types of beatings we got as a result. Every bruise was worth it.

Then came the lifting of sanctions, and OH MY WORD it was like we were in heaven. We finally got to own a pair of Nike’s and Addidas! We also had access to television shows and movies which were banned under the old regime. MTV, VH1…..Rap Music….Motown. Lionel Richie could finally sing on the TV without someone passing a derogatory comment. James Brown could finally sing on the TV without someone throwing something at it. Stevie Wonder was still subjected to racist jokes about why he smiles all of the time.

Things got back to normal for us…but not for the rest of the world’s perception about South Africa. After university, I moved to Dubai for two years. If I had a dirham for every time an Englishman or Yank asked me a ridiculous question about South Africa, I would not be working in the corporate environment. I’d be sipping Pina Colada’s on a beach in the Maldives with not a care in the world. One guy even had the cheek to bring up apartheid and the fact that I ‘oppressed’ people in a job interview. Um….I was born at the end of apartheid and never oppressed anyone. Take your head out of your pompous English arse and live in the real world you prick.

And because of our political stability, which was due largely to the wise leadership of Mandela, the country opened its borders to tourists who had a blast because of the strength of their currencies vs ours. And it’s always amusing to see people walking around Johannesburg city on edge because they weren’t quite sure if there was still a chance of an ANC apocalypse on white people similar to that of the zombie apocalypse seen on The Walking Dead. Others, like the Americans, were arrogant enough to walk up to black people, hug them, and then proclaim: You’re free my brother! To which the black person would push him away and say: Voetsak Mlungu!

For those who don’t speak South African…please allow me to translate that statement. Voetsak is Afrikaans and is equivalent to telling someone to f##k off in English. Mlungu is Zulu which is a derogatory term used towards white people. It quite literally means sea scum and is used to describe both actual sea scum and white people because our forefathers came to South Africa by sea.

What is it like living in South Africa today? The ANC has been in charge for 20 years this year and black people are still calling white people baas (boss) or master not because they are forced to…but because it is so ingrained into them. And when you say to them: you are free…I am not your boss or master, they say: Sorry baas. But we can also have a laugh about racism as well. I regularly refer to any black male I come across as brother and I get a huge smile and warm service. When a black cop stops me, I roll down my window and ask: is it because I am black? My success rate of getting out of fines by using this statement currently stands at 56. The cops just laugh at me and let me go because I made them smile.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

My Next Being 30 Experiance: Facing The End Of The World!

Salamu

My Niggas!

I bid you greetings for the final time in 2012.

It has been a big year for me, a year of a lot of change, one of the biggest changes will be discussed later in the post when I describe what it has been like falling in love with the most beautiful girl in the world and the changes that both of our lives have gone through since we have met.

This topic actually does connect in some arbitrary way to my first topic.

Those of us not living under a rock will know that this is the last week of the world’s existence. Yes people…the Mayans have blown the final whistle on existence. According to them December 21 (Friday) is the day we meet our maker.

Quite personally I don’t believe in this bullshit for a number of reasons.

Firstly…if they could predict the end of the world, could they not have seen the arrival of the Spaniards in the 1500’s which all but wiped out their existence from the face of the earth?

Secondly…I’m a devout catholic and believe firmly in the teaching that no one but God knows the time and date for the end of the world. And this is not to tease us. This is to make us live each day as if it were our last day on earth in order to prepare us for the day which will come like the thief in the night. Apart from Forgiveness and Loving Freely, this to me is the corner stone of the Catholic Faith. To live a good Christian life everyday as if it were your last on earth.

Repent and your sins will be forgiven before the rapture.
Nigga Please

Thirdly… there were a lot of people who wrongly predicted the end of the world and have been left looking like a bunch of fools. And rightly so. Some idiots predicted the world was going to end on May 5 2000 because all of the planets were in perfect alignment and who can forget Y2K?  But one of the funniest predictions in my opinion had to be the prediction by a bunch of ‘happy clappie’ Christians who saw it fit to put up billboards saying that the world was going to end on May 21 2011. And guess what….I’m still here more than a year later.

But I am being very cynical, because in a sense a small part of my world did end in 2012. The world of me being lonely and worrying about wanting more from life.

It amazes me how when you open your heart to beauty and let a hint or suggestion of it come in, it can make a serious foothold in your heart and change you forever. I was going through one of my stages of thinking if this is all that life has to offer when a friend of mine suggested I talk to her friend. I did so and little did I know it would take us both on a journey of a lifetime. A life changing journey.

But how does this relate to my first topic? Well when you love someone with all your heart the way I do, your life changes completely.

You end up counting the seconds of joy in your life as opposed to counting down the hours until the end of the work day. You end up smiling at any little thing as opposed to scowling at the beggar just asking you for a chance at a better life. You learn to laugh like a child, which is never a bad thing because there is nothing more innocent and pure than a childs laugh. But most of all you learn to say I Love You instead of looking for ways to hurt people.

My girlfriends life has changed too. She has told me on a number of occasions that she finally has a man in her life who loves her the way she deserves to be loved and appreciated her beauty. She has also learned to put up with a lot of crap because I am admittedly not the easiest person in the world to get along with at times. But this to is also because she has learned to say I Love You once again.

Love brothers and sisters is one of the most pure things in the world. And it is an emotion all need to feel at least once in their lives.

The picture below was taken on my first date with my angel. And do you want to know why there is no way of the world ending on Friday? Because there is no way God will only give me one moment of beauty and perfection. I have a whole lifetime ahead of me to look forward to that.

Till next time my Niggas!

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

The most perfect evening of my life.
With the most beautiful girl in the world

My Next Being 30 Experience: First Dates

Salamu

My Niggas!

Besides The Kingdom of Heaven my favorite movie of all time as to be Gladiator. My favorite scene from the movie is just after Maximus (Russel Crowe) is praying to the ancestors to protect his family. He turns to his servant Cicero (Tommy Flanagan) and the following dialogue takes place...

Maximus: Cicero. Do you find it hard to do your job?

Cicero: Sometimes I do what I want to do, other times I do what I have to.

These two lines...this little dialogue...a minute of spoken words says all you need to know about life. And it can be applied to any situation. One such situation is that of a first date. 

Not many people appreciate the significance of a first date. A successful or unsuccessful first date can set the tone for your whole relationship. I think as a younger person you spend many sleepless nights worrying about the occasion, but as you get older the worry wears off because you just know what is in store for you. 

Being 30 is turning out to be a landmark age for me. In more ways than one. While all of my other friends are married with kids I am staring down the barrel of a first date. Granted it is with the girl of my dreams and a girl who i have gotten to know and become very close to. And I am sure the evening will be a success. but that doesn't mean that I can become complacent and not be weary of the fact that the occasion is what it is...a first date. 

I have had my fair share of rough ones. And I have learned from experience which will hopefully mean all will go well. It is this experience Mabibi na Mabwana that I hope to pass off to you as my public service

Lesson Number 1: It is a First Date, ANYTHING can go wrong at any time. 

You need to know this because there will be nervousness from both sides and this means that you will not be 100% at your calculative best. Nerves bring about mistakes, mistakes bring about situations. They will occur, the question is how will you react to it?

I remember a first date I had with a girl in High School. We really liked each other and once we worked past the teenage bullshit of sending letters to each other through third parties we arranged a date for coffee. We met at the shopping center and as she arrived she told me her mom wants to have a word with me and she walked away. I go the car and she says to me: Faurie...if you break my daughters heart Ill fail your ass!

Yes Mabibi na Mabwana I made the mistake of dating my Science Teachers daughter. 

So much for that first date going off smoothly. Instead of purring like the well oiled engine of a Ferrari it coughed and spattered like the well oiled engine of a Fiat Uno. 

Lesson Number 2: Location Location Location

Bearing in mind Lesson Number 1 you don't want the restaurant to be the proverbial 'Dragon in the Middle of the Room', that's just madness. The hallmark of a great sporting team (besides Liverpool FC) are that they take advantage of playing at home in familiar surroundings to gain success. 

For heavens sakes...go to a restaurant or coffee shop that you know well. Even better go to an establishment where you know the waiters and tell them to treat you right because it is a first date. In the past I used to always pick a different location for a first date and each one of them was dodgy. Once I settled on a venue I knew well, I was a bit easier with my surroundings and I never made a fool of myself.

Lesson Number 3: Make Sure Your Intelligence is Sound

Here I am not referring to the grey matter in your head and your ability to recall the first president of the USA or the length of the Trojan War. I mean intelligence about your partner. Make sure you ask the right questions leading up to the date...even if you risk her asking if you work for the FBI.

If your date is a vegetarian don't take her to a steakhouse. And if she is particular about what she eats make sure you cater for that. A bit of groundwork at the beginning of the relationship where you make her feel like a Queen will only benefit you downstream my friend. 

Those are the three golden rules of a first date. If they are followed, then you should have a good evening. I say should because it doesn't stop with these three. 

Here are some Do's and Dont's regarding first date etiquette: 

- Do treat her like a Queen. Greet her with a bunch of flowers and possibly a gift. Be careful with the gift though. Stick to something small and simple. NO UNDERWEAR. Open the car door for her when you pick her up and each time she enters and leaves the car. Also open the door to the restaurant for her. And always let her enter a place first.

- Do all the driving. DO ALL THE DRIVING. 

- Don't eat food that will be messy or stinky. Maybe pass on the pasta or the Mexicana Pizza for the first date stud. 

- Do complement the girl, but don't be overbearing. After you are seated and the drinks have been delivered to the table. Look her in the eye, take her hand, kiss it gently and say: You look very beautiful tonight. 

- PS: Her eyes are on her head. Don't stare at her cleavage and say this. 

- Don't drink alcohol on the first date no matter how nervous you are. In fact it is only acceptable to have more than one drink on like date 10 or 11. Trust me. 

- Do be pleasant, start a conversation. And don't be a boor. be chivalrous at all times.

- Don't be scared of silences...as long as they are comfortable.

I have said it before and I will say it again. I don't have all the answers. If I did, I would have achieved much more in my life than I currently have. 

Till next time my Niggas!

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

My next being 30 experiance: Battling Unemployment

Salamu

I did not want to bring this up when it happened, but I am now in a position to talk about a significant life changing event which is another contributor to my Being 30 year.

I have recently found a job after spending the last three months on the unemployment line. Let’s just say things did not work out well at my last place of employment because of irreconcilable differences between myself and management.

There is a lot I want to say about my previous mangers and how they screwed me over. But as part of being 30 I have learned to treat it as water under the bridge. Plus…I am not keen on getting my ass hauled into court.

You really find out who your true friends are during this time. I have received a lot of text messages and phone calls of support from people which I really appreciate.

So what does this mean? Well I have left the absolute shit hole that is Martizburg for Durban where I am now a copy writer for a venture capital company.

My main focus is the technology world and my eyes have been opened to a WORLD of possibilities I never knew existed. I really am enjoying my time now.

So I scour the net for interesting stories. One of my recurring topics is social media and the effects that it has on society. A major drive is for companies to trend on these social sites, so what Boss Iced Tea has done is build a vending machine in Cape Town where people get free iced tea if they send a tweet about Boss Iced Tea with a specific hashtag. 

HOW AMAZING IS THIS? The company gets publicity because of all the tweets and its social presence is growing because of word of mouth advertising. Eventually Boss will establish itself as the iced tea of choice in SA.

Next up is the internet paying for a woman to go on vacation. Basically there is this bus monitor in the US who earns a small wage and just gets the shit abused out of her by some punk ass kids. 



Because the US is the US she can’t smack these kids or even refuse to transport their sorry asses. That would be the quickest way to the court room in front of a jury of your peers. So her family put news about the abuse on the net and an individual in Canada read this story and felt sorry for this woman. So he initiated a fund raising scheme where money would be raised for a holiday.

Their initial target was $5 000 (she earns $15 000/m) but the campaign has raised over $80 000 thus far. So there is a good possibility that they could raise over twice her yearly income. All money not spent on the vacation will still go to the lady.

Again… HOW AMAZING IS THIS? There are still people in this world who care. This woman gets abused by these punk ass kids and can’t do shit about it. The kids know this and will continue to abuse her. Unless something gets done by parents or school boards.

Look…I am not saying that I am a proponent of abuse and in some cases corporal punishment being banned is a good thing. But in this case I think we can all agree that the kids need the shit kicked out of them. Hell if I was on that bus there would be some blood on the floor. At the very least this woman should be allowed to refuse to transport these kids. Let them walk their ass to school. In South Africa (and I have seen this happen) if a passenger in a mini bus taxi says one thing to the driver about the sound in the taxi, the music in the taxi or the way he drives the taxi stops and the passenger gets their ass thrown out!

Two local stories now.

Apparently there are hearings in Durban because of the fact that there are Christian based public holidays and no public holidays for Muslims and Hindu’s and Jews and Buddhists.  So anyone who is non Christian has to take a day off to observe special holidays such as Eid, Diwali, Rosh Hashana and the like. This is a problem and I agree it is unrepresentative. But when I lived in Dubai (part of the UAE a Muslim country) I had to take a day’s leave for Good Friday and Christmas. This is a Christian Country…live with it.

But again we have to be respective so if they give those Holidays, Eid, Diwali, Rosh Hashana and the like, then good on them. I don’t have a problem with it. The government just mustn’t think of cancelling Good Friday and Christmas! F##k that shit. You want to give the Muslims and Hindus and Buddhists and Jews holidays (which they are entitled to I’m not begrudging them) then cancel Youth Day or Woman’s Day, because when Mandela dies you know we going to get a public holiday on Mandela Day. Leave the holy days ALONE. We only have TWO religious based holidays (Good Friday and Christmas) the majority of South Africa’s public holidays are STRUGGLE AGAINST APARTHEID based holidays and the majority of today’s youth don’t give an ass rats about what happened on Youth Day.

Second story.  The family of the winner of this year’s Comrades Marathon Ludwick Mamabolo have said that the current scandal surrounding him is race based.

You know what….seriously…f##k these people! Mamabolo was caught with drugs in his system after winning the race. How the f##k has he fallen victim to a racest? This is just an attempt by uneducated people who need to now shift the blame from the man. So they use the oldest South African card in the book. RACE.

I actually take offense to this as a white man. Its unacceptable. Because you will get a lot of uneducated mama’s and baba’s jumping up and down screaming RACIST RACIST in unison.

Really? The family must just f##k off and get over themselves. You son is a drug cheat. There is no racism involved! By you implying it you show yourselves up for the racists you are.

F##KING PATHETIC. JUST SHOWS THAT SOME BALCK PEOPLE ARE MORE RACIST THEN WHITE PEOPLE!

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Karen Klein the bus monitor who is getting a kick ass vacation after being abused by punk ass kids

My third being 30 experience. AKA: I'm getting to old for this shit

Salamu

Admittedly my mouth is my biggest enemy and it came to haunt me this week.

I will never back down from a challenge and when my editor asked who has the cajones to cover the Unlimited Dusi Canoe Marathon I was literally jumping up and down with excitement.

Little did I know it would be three days of waking up at 3 am and cashing my ass until 1 pm hauling it back to the office and churning out stories until 6 pm or 7 pm (depending on the news day). I realized during this time that at 30 they might as well call me Jonathan “The Lion of Lebanon RogerMurtaugh” Faurie because I am getting to old for this shit.

Awesome bottom ends were the order of the day

It was amazing though I must say. On the first day I got waylaid finding Mission Rapid and got told to stop in at the Jabulani Tavern near Nkanyezini where the owner would not let me go until I heard her story and take a taxi to the rapid with some 100 supporters (spread out over six taxi’s) who were screaming ululating and blowing vuvuzela’s supporting Thulani Mbanjwa and Sibonelo Zondi.

On Day Two I caught up with a Russian family who thought (like the rest of the world) that there are lions running in the streets and that they will get mugged or killed if they set foot on our soil. But when they realized that the reality is far different from the fiction they were smiling from ear to ear. And that smile lasted for the whole race.

I won’t talk too much about this next section because then I will get a call from my little sister in Johannesburg telling me what a dirty pig I am, but the talent at the Dusi is AWESOME!

Greeting weary paddlers at the end of the days racing are the Duzi Floozies. OH MY WORD, basically they are a bunch of tanned beautifully proportioned ladies in bikinis greeting you with a smile from ear to ear and a beer at 10:30 in the morning.

Although their asset portfolio’s were not overly impressive their bottom ends were stunning.

And yours truly felt like a Greek God after getting the picture below!

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Spending some time with the Duzi Floozies

My second being 30 experiance

Salamu

So my adventure into 30 began on Friday night. And yes I did find out something about myself, which will be outlined throughout the post.

Trust me….you won’t be able to miss it.

It was Chris Rock who once made fun of 30 year olds going to clubs thinking that they were in their prime. “What the fuck is up with that? You’re 30….sit your ass at home and watch some football,” was what he said.  

Bearing this in mind, I accepted an invitation to Maritzburg’s most happening club “Red Door”.

My feelings towards clubs are not because of the person who extended the invitation, but because I never have been, and never will be a club person.

My reasons are quite simple and can be summerised as such:

-         I can’t dance. AT ALL

-         I am a big guy and DETEST mofo’s purposely bumping into me or shouldering me in hope that I see it as a provocation.

-         I like to pick up my women in well light areas when they don’t have half a bottle of Jose Quervo in them.

And finally…

-         I can’t dance. AT ALL

So I roll up to the door of Red Door at 10 pm after working the night shift. And I was dressed to the nines, unfortunately the crowd dressed to the fives so I stood out like a sore thumb.

I have this black button down shirt which I very partial to. It’s got the flag of Jamaica on the sleeves and JAMAICA written in big on the back just above a number 9. It is a cross border soccer shirt. The reason I am partial to it is because it is a good fit and is slightly tight around the guns (never a bad thing).

I should have known I was going to be in for a rough time when the bouncer at the door looked me in the eye and said to me: “This isn’t Jamaica MAAAN, dere aint no Reggae music here!” But I knew this because I heard the band belting out Black Sabbaths WAR PIGS on the way up the stairs to the club.

Black Sabbath - War Pigs

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Inside I was greeted by a VERY darkly light area where like I said, the crowd was dressed to the fives, and everyone looked like a bunch of gothic Vikings trying to shake their brains out their heads by head banging as hard as they could.

I don’t have a problem with fat people, or fat people getting down. I am a big person myself. But there was this big guy on the dance floor, who was a few inches shorter than me, but just as big as me weight wise, jumping up and down as the band went through their songs. The bastard was jumping to so hard I thought he was going to go through the concrete floor any second!

Now bear in mind people. Im a reggae person….who listens to song about peace love and happiness. Here I am in the middle of Sleepy Hollow at a dimly light club where I am getting purposely bumped left right and centre and having to be subjected to songs about war, death and ripping children apart.

Cut a long story short, I got stood up, the invitee never arrived, and as I was walking out, the bouncer said to me: looks like you’ll never be the same again my bruda, showing me his tat of Bob Marley and a tat bearing the Lion of Ratafarianism. 

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Having a smoke in the room man.

Coming to terms with the big 3 0!

Salamu.

So the Lion of Lebanon has turned 30, and whereas I had issues about reaching the age towards the middle of last year, I know can see that 30 will be the age for me because you have finally reached the age where you can say what you want to people without tippie toeing around a subject.  

Not that this ever stopped me before, but it was frowned down upon, now the frowning doesn’t happen.

But what does being 30 mean? This will be my challenge for this year.

It will probably mean different things to different people. A friend of mine moved, with her family, to Australia 8 years ago. This morning, Australia Day, her brother posts on Face Book how proud he is to be an Ozzie.

Now to me I can’t see many reasons why you should be proud to be an Ozzie. You put shrimps of Barbeques and you get licenses to shoot Abbo’s. Your cricket commentators are overly biased and 70% of your country is desert.

But to an Ozzie, being an Ozzie is the best thing in the world.

The secret here is to find something so be proud of. Like the fact that Australian women are some of the most beautiful women in the world. And that you have some of the best sportspeople in the world. And of course Australia has Chopper Reid.

That’s what I need to do with being 30. I need to find something to be proud about.

What that is, I don’t know, because I am not married, don’t have kids and am not earning a fat salary and don’t drive my dream car.

But I have an interesting job and have been to places in the world people twice my age haven’t been to.

So instead of viewing 30 as a challenge… I will view it as a voyage of discovery. Who knows…I might discover myself or I might destroy myself… either way I will make 30 a year to remember.

Happy Australia Day and India Independence Day to my Australian and Indian readers.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Australia has some of the most beautiful girls in the world!