Some of the things I hate about you

Salamu

People of the Lions Den massive.

I have officially met the least likely person I would marry. Ok fine, i have met a few people like that, but given enough alcohol intake I might become very friendly with them. But not with Tharuna Devchand.

She works with me, and although we are good friends, she has the most irritating personality traits which would make men run miles. They are listed below.

Please ladies, if you want to get your man to want to spend the rest of their lives with you instead of just dala-ing ** you. Read below.

Irritating Personality Trait 1:The maniac laugh followed by mental instability
True, this could be put down to a wicked sense of humor, but when you are deep in thought and working, and the whole office is quiet, and then all of a sudden there is this laugh that would make Jack Nickelson look sane. It becomes irritating. It feel like your whole life is a cartoon straight out of Loony Tunes with this girl, and it isn't fun!

Now just picture scene. Its 1 am in the morning and you are deep in sleep and the your wife breaks out the maniac laugh.....Id kill her! the part in the wedding service where the priest says: Till death do you part will be a self fulfilling prophesy.

Here is a joke she told in the office the other day: what you you call a fly without wings? A walk! And then she bursts out laughing! Only a person suffering from mental instability would find that funny. Um NEWS FLASH THARUNA! HERE IS A FUNNY JOKE: what do you call the driver of a car that has a mattress on its roof? A prostitute making house calls!

Irritating Personality Trait 2: Argue for purpose.
Its kind of like fit for purpose. But every time you open your mouth about something expect an argument. This really grates my balls and was a major reason why me and my ex are not together anymore. There is nothing more soul destroying and spirit breaking then being continuously harangued and argued with.

Irritating Personality Trait 3: Being surgically attached to their Blackberry
Ok...whoever invented Blackberry...F##K YOU PANOCHA. There is nothing more irritating then a person constantly looking down at their phone when you are having a discussion with them. And...AND...when you are in the same room as them and they completly ignore you in favor of their Blakberry! BONA DEA!

Irritating Personality Trait 4: Talking to the brick wall
Talking to the brick wall is when you say something to someone...while in conversation with them...and they dont hear a word that you say! Talking to a brick wall in this sense is more gratifying!I HATE THIS! I HATE THIS! I REALLY REALLY...REALLY HATE THIS!

Irritating Personality Trait 5: the non talker
This point does not apply to Tharuna because she has verbal diarrhea. There is nothing worse then going on a date with someone and they dont talk. It can be a first date or a 100th date. TALK DAMMIT!, interest me woman! it is different if they are just your friend and there is no sexual chemistry between you. But if you want to Dala her, you'll want to talk to her first or else she is nothing more then a prostitute that is not going to be paid!

**:- Dala and Dalaing- will be profiled in the next Word of the Day post

Dark day for South Africa

Salamu.

I try to keep my blog as light hearted as possible because by nature I can be a pretty serious person. And I also think that life is pretty serious without someone making it more so.

But there comes time where an issue is far to important to let slide, and we as the media who are the channel of information to the people needs to bring such issues into the public space.

Yesterday, the ANC bulldozed their way in Parliament and provisionally passed the Secrecy Bill. This bill will now go to the provinces and finally JZ who will then sign it off into law.

What this means is that any article that a journalist writes about a politician must then be read by a tribunal who will then decide whether the article can be published or not. This runs the risk of corruption and bribes being swept under the carpet.

This was all apparently because of something the ANC called "irresponsible" journalism. And granted, some of the stuff in the media is a bit unnecessary.

Once a journalist delves into the private life of a politician they need to be careful. and i am not talking about corruption and kick-backs because that is part of their private lives which affects their job and ultimately the public. I'm talking about extramarital affairs and such. I work for a major media company and in one of our publications we ran a story a while ago about Fikile Mbalula having an affair. I mean come on. Did this really need to be printed?

That being said, JZ's unprotected sex affair when he trying to preach about the fight against AIDS is understandable though.

This Secrecy Bill is taking South Africa back 30 years. Everything that the ANC fought for during the struggle is now being forced onto the public by the self same people who gave their lives for it. They fought against apartheid and are now forcing draconian apartheid styled laws on society.

Speaking as a journalist, more CONTROL over the media is needed. Not CENSORSHIP. That's why we have the OMBUDSMAN and the PRESS CHARTER. I just think that government is trying to over control things and we are fast becoming a Banana Republic.

The Herald newspaper in Zimbabwe is banned from going to print unless they have a front page story praising Robert Mugabe, and the news on ZBC does not go to air unless their top story praises Robert Mugabe. Not his government...HIM.

Now ask yourself, do we as proud South Africans want that in South Africa? How will the world see us? The world who praised South Africa for being a shining light of democracy on a continent which has a long history of dictatorships.

Yes Albert Luthuli fought for freedom, yes Walter Sisulu fought for freedom. But they never fought for this. THEY NEVER FOUGHT FOR THIS!

For many years, the Apartheid government polarized itself from the people so severely that people used to get on their hands and knees and pray for the downfall of its government. The ANC must mind that they dont do the same thing by passing laws such as this. Nothing lasts forever except freedom. And when you start to take that away from people, you have an almighty fight on your hands.

Word of the Day

Salamu.

U.N.I.T.E.D United is the team for me with a nick nak paddywack give a dog a bone...why don't Benfica f##k off home!

Just thought I'd put that out there in preparation for the Devils crucial match against Benfica tonight.

This actually leads me into the next installment of a regular feature on The Lions Den... Word of the Day.

It has been widely advertised on this blog, by myself, that I spent some time in Dubai. While there, the majority of my friends were English.

And please dont be fooled by these people. While common sense tells you that the official language in England is English, there are many derivatives of the language.

Its kind of like Arabic, which was introduced to the world at the spreading of the Ottoman Empire. But what people dont know is that there is Gulf Arabic (spoken in the UAE, Oman, Bahrain), Saudi Arabic (spoken in Saudi Arabia), Egyptian Arabic (spoken in Egypt) and Lebanese Arabic (Spoken in the old country, Lebanon). Essentially they are all the same and a Gulf Arabic speaking person can understand an Egyptian Arabic speaking person.

This is the same in England. There is English and there is Scouse English, Yorkshire English, Geordie English, ect ect. But, and there is a big but here, whereas different Arab speaking people can understand each other, a Scouse cant understand a Londoner, a Londoner cant understand a Yorkshireman and NO ONE can understand a Geordie.

However,the Geordies do have some of some of the naughtiest girls who are awesome in bed! Hands down, if I could choose the perfect wife she would have to have Geordie bedroom temperament in her.

We digress. God forbid you should ever want to hit the streets in England. Here is some lingo you need to be down with.

Donkylasher: A donkylasher is a person who comes from Blackpool.
Apparently there is a huge rivalry between the girls from Essex and the girls from the Pool as I found out one night at a bar in Dubai.
I had lost my South African accent in favor of a British accent on account of all of my friends being British. So I was having a pint at Double Decker when a fit bird came and sat next to me. She was wearing white shoes and had a fury pink handbag...she was an Essex girl then. So we got talking and then all of a sudden, as if out of nowhere, the conversation went like this:
"You look like you can be quite a handful," I said.
"Why? You a Donky Lasher?" she asked in reply.
"I dont understand...A WHAT?" I asked.
"Blackpool, are you from fooking Blackpool?"
"No. Im from South Africa," was my reply.
"Good!" she said just before banging her glass on the counter and shoving her tongue down my throat.
And she was QUITE a handful in the bedroom that night, an awesome handful. Spend the whole night contending with that handful. Almost got arrested the next day for eating in public during Ramadan.
Apart from Geordies, the Essex girls are probably the second best girls in the world in the bedroom.

Fit Bird: Beautiful women.
Not much explanation is needed here. Except for the fact that when normal people would say: wow that girl is beautiful, an Englishman would say: blimey that is a fit bird.

Innit: Cockney slang for isn't it.
I was at a barbecue in Saffa Park one night with my mates and we were drinking a bit. At about 11 pm, when the park closes, the Pork goes around and announces on a megaphone that the park is closing and we must leave. So my mate sees them coming towards us and he says: "That's the Phlange innit?" I had to stop myself from laughing, because he was a trained SAS operative, and told him that yes it is indeed the Phlange, so he went and hid his bottle of Vodka in my car.

Phlange: Cops
It is actually a crude reference to a woman's private bits - hence the application to the John Law. Don't question it, just know that when a Cockney bloke or bird asks you about the Phlange 9 times out of 10 they are referring to the cops. if it is the 1 time out of 10 that they are not referring to the cops...it is at this stage where you are going to get fucked up!




Good old Geordie Birds. Cold as fuck outside and they still go out in short ass dresses. "Well I carnt pick oop a fooking bloke in jeans now can I?"



Lock up your sons parents...the Essex massive is on the prowl.

Word of the Day

I came across these gems while pretending to do work at my establishment of employement yesterday.

Poca Madre:
Mexican slang for "Motherless"
- It is used to describe something is really f##king cool.
or
- It is used to describe a bad situation or something that a person ('asshole' in that moment) did to you by adding "QUE" before "POCA MADRE"

That was lame dude - "que poca madre".

Apart from Copper Ried, I really love Ali G. That great thing about Ali is that he has a whole language of his own. But he is really one of those people who you either love or hate. You wont grow to love him.

Da Ali G Show - Dangerous Drugs - More amazing video clips are a click away

RIP Smokin Joe

Salamu.

The world became a darker place on monday when it lost the late great Smokin Joe Frazier.

Although my favourite boxers of all time are Muhammad Ali, Joe Louis and more recently Marco Antonio Barrera. I was saddened by the loss of Frazier.

He was one of those people you couldnt help loving. He wasnt as arrogant as todays heavyweights and he had a 'put up or shut up' approach to life where he let his fists dot he talking.

And boy did they talk. He won a gold medal for the USA at the 1964 Tokyo Olympics and turned professional in 1965.

After 25 unbeaten fights he took on Jimmy Ellis for the vacant heavyweight Title , stopping Ellis in four rounds. After a defence against Bob Foster he became, in 1971, the first man to beat Ali professionally. Two defences later he met George Foreman in Kingston Jamaica. Foreman beat him in 12 rounds.

Having lost only once in 30 fights, Frazier now lost three of his next five, beating Jerry Quarry and Jimmy Ellis but succumbing to Foreman and Ali (twice).

The second loss to ali was on October 1 1975 at the Araneta Stadium in Manilla, Philippines in a fight dubbed the 'Thrilla in Manila', Frazier retired after 14 pulsating rounds.

After a disapointing comeback fight in 1981 against Jumbo Cummings (which ended in a draw), Frazier retired once more - this time for good. After his retirement he had a strong hand in moulding the talent of his son, Marvis.

Before his fights with Ali, the World's Greatest used to taunt him relentlessly calling him a Gorilla and questioning his manhood! And Frazier used to give as good as he got.

While normal kids go to bed with stories about dragons and knights and castles. I whent to bed with my Grandfather telling me stories about Smokin' Joe and the Thrilla in Manila.

RIP Smokin' Joe...In nomine Patris et fillii et Spiritus Sancti the world will miss you.

Word of the Day

Aweh to the Lions Den massive.

By the greeting in the first line of the blog you will gather that this is the next instalment of: Word Of The Day.

The word Aweh is a word used mainly by the coloured community here in South Africa as a light hearted greeting. Depeneding on how well they know you, various terms will be used after Aweh.

If they know you well the will say: Aweh ma se kind, which is hello mothers child. If you are one of the 'boys' you will be greeted with: Aweh ma se hond, which is hello mothers dog. Although it might seem a bit off, i promise you it is not.

The word Aweh is deep rooted into the coloured community...it defines them as a nation. Sort of like if you ask an American what Americanism describes them most probably they will say that it is Howdy.

However, please dont use a term after Aweh if you do not know the person on any level, they will take offence to this and stab you. If you are visiting South Africa and a coloured person greets you, just say Aweh and nothing else.

The next word is a word whitch describes a particular peice of clothing. It amazes me how many women are not familiar with the term: wife-beater vest yet every man alive knows what it is. its those vests made popular by Vin diesel in a number of his movies which is worn by men but only ocveres a section of their shoulder rather then their whole shoulder.

The last word for today is twat, which is a term used alot by English people.

I came across this word on my many drinking escapades in Dubai with the "Geordie Element" (that is to say a group of Geordie friends I had that just caused trouble wherever they whent). We were drinking in a bar and one of the guys...I think his name was hammer... was making a hell of a noise and lewed remarks to some fine china which were tapping around in 6 inch heels showing off their asset portfolios and their well defined bottom ends. Anyway, so the bouncer comes buy to calm hammer down and he told the bouncer: piss off you twat. The bouncer was Nigerian so he didnt understand the insult and just looked at hammer with daggers and left. Only after that did I discover that twat is a rather nasty referal to a women's...well you get the picture.

Divas gone wild.

Salamu.

I have been severly neglecting my blog and for that I am sorry, today I will be playing catch up as there are at least two topics which I would like to discuss today.

Upon reading the title, and given my useual vents, you would be forgiven for thinking that this blog would be about beautiful scantly clad women who go wild and throw their name away. But nay-nay, this is actually about Bigg Willy...Will Smith.

For a Panocha who is not as celebrated as Al Pacino or Robert De Nero, who have received Oscar nominations on many occasions, Will Smith thinks that he is just the big dog on campus because he is the highest paid actor in Hollywood.

And I have nothing wrong with him being the highest paid actor in the business, in fact I think he is a far better actor then he is a singer. But dont have an attitude about it. Thats the problem I have with him.

He has just finished making the thrid instalment of the Men in Black franchise and is in negotiations with Fox Entertainment for the sequal to Independance Day.

But apparently Fox are not to keen on him now because Will Smith wants his daughter Willow and his wife Jada Pinket in the movie.

I MEAN REALLY! Gone are the days of Denzel Washinton and Samuel L Jackson who were just fucking gratefull to be in a movie! They wouldnt DARE ask for roles for their fucking children or wife in that same movie.

I really really hope Fox tell him to piss off! I honestly do.

But then who would be the likely candidates to take his place?

For continuity's sake I think the role must be taken up by another African American actor.

Enter Don Cheadle and Terence Howard.

I saw Cheadle for the first time in Crash and I though he was a pretty good actor, but it was in Hotel Rwanda where he really shone and showed his true potential. He is suave enough to play Smiths role and as he proved in Iron Man 2 he can do the physical stuff too.

Its a similar story with Terence Howard, I also saw him for the first time in Crash and then in the first instalment of Iron Man. But I thought he was alot better in Crash then in Iron Man...and he is of similar build to Smith.

If they want to break away and cast the role of Smiths charactor to a caucasian actor then Stevel Segal and John Travolta should be considered.

The only thing is that you cant give Segal to many lines inbetween his action scenes because then he is just going to loose his mind and start hitting people just because he can.

Travolta is a winner in my opinion. He is classy, as we saw in shows like Michael, the Generals Daughter and Pulp Fiction, he can do action, as we saw in Basic and Pulp Fiction, and he can talk properly.

So it is down to three actors in my opinion: Cheadle, Howard and Travolta.

I have spoken in the past about my favourite movies of all time, but what about my favourite actors? Below are my Top 10 favourite actors with my favourite movie that they have appeared in.

10)Sylvester Stallone (Rambo Franchise and Rockey Franchise)
9)Bruce Willis (Die Hard Franchise and The Fifth Element)
8)Eddie Murphey (Beverly Hils Cop Franchise and Life)
7)Vin Diesel (XXX and Fast and the Furious)
6)Al Pacino (Any Given Sunday and Godfather II)
5)John Travolta (Basic and Pulp Fiction)
4)Samuel L Jackson (Basic and Pulp Fiction)
3)Denzel Washington (Training Day and Man on Fire)
2)Russel Crowe (Gladiator and LA Confidential)
1)Viggo Mortenson (Eastern Promises and Lord of the Rings)