Christmas Carols and Women Kicking Men in the Balls

Salamu

Just because I wished everyone well for the Holidays, it doesn’t mean that it is my last post for the year. At the end of the day…I am still in the office or the next few hours and need something to do.

The topics today are old classics. Christmas Carols (yes Christmas Carols) and pick up lines, but I question if they really work.

Before everyone accuses me of being the Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge, let me just state for the record that I actually quite like Christmas time. Not only are we on holiday from work, but it is a time when everyone is generally nicer to each other and we can have a good old laugh about things. It is also a two week period where telemarketers (a PET HATE of mine) leave you the hell alone. It is also a time where you spend time at church reflecting on the miraculous birth of a baby who would give his life for mankind. You also get to spend a few days being drunk with family and a few days being drunk and hurling abuse at cricket players. This year it is the turn of the Indians, and I am not working! Ishant Sharma is going to curse the day they put him at fine leg or deep third man at Kingsmead this year! I WILL POST PICS IN JAN!

But let’s get into it. And let the hating on me start…But I cannot stand Christmas Carols! I don’t know what it is about them, I just do not like them. But it is not your traditional Silent Nights or O Come all Ye Faithful….it’s the bladdy I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause and Do They Know Its Christmas Afterall. There is just something about them that pisses me right off.

I suppose you just can only take so much of hearing people sing about shit. Highveld Stereo (the local radio

station here in Johannesburg) were playing a Christmas song every morning I think from the beginning of October. And it was nice at the start. But since the beginning of December I just put the car radio on mute because I couldn’t take it any more. NO MORE!

There are some great Christmas Tunes though. Boney M is always good and so it Dean Martin. The thing with Dean Martin is that he was to pissed all the time to try and get fancy with his singing. He just sang as he was supposed to. And while we are on the topic of drunks, probably the best Christmas tune is by an Irish band called The Pogoues and it is called The Fairytale of New York. The song is about this drunk Irishman who is locked up in The Drink Tank and reminiscing about a girl who he is in love with.

And what’s an Irish ditty without the lead singer sounding dead molar and the featured female artist insulting him. I cut and paste the third verse for you below.

You´re a bum you´re a punk

You´re an old slut on junk

Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed

You scumbag you maggot

You cheap lousy faggot

Happy Christmas your arse I pray god it´s our last.

This is exactly why I love the Irish, they just don’t give a shit! They will say exactly what they want when they want to. They also never take life to seriously either. Here is the song:

 The Pogues Feat. Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale Of New York

Powered by www.Mp3Olimp.net

Moving right along…I ask the question: Do pickup lines really work? I have dealt with this last year, and it was a bit of a balls up because it was just dealing with the heaviness of pickup lines. This time I am dealing with the question of if they work.

Well obviously if you are going to walk up to a girl and say: Do you have a bit of Lebenese in you? Well do you want some? You are either going to be laughed at, have a drink thrown at you, or kicked in the balls. Those are your options. There are just some pickup lines that will never work…EVER! Don’t try them.

However there are some that do work. One of my favourites is: Do you have a twin sister? When she says no, than you say: well then you are the most beautiful girl in the world. If she does have a twin sister…then you are unfortunately fucked. Another one is: You know, seeing your beautiful eyes is the second most perfect thing about this evening. When she asks what’s the first you say: seeing you smile. Trust me…it’s a winner.

There are also certain occasions where you use pickup lines and certain occasions where you don’t. - Don’t use it at a bar or club. She is probably with her girlfriends, and when a group of girls are out together they switch to super bitch mode. Also, you are probably drunk or she will accuse you of being drunk. And having an argument about your level of sobriety is not a way to start a relationship.

Don’t use it at church. It is not the time or place for this.

Do use it after establishing a basic friendship with the girl. You have then asked her out to dinner or coffee. This is the time to use it. You see, there is no hard and fast rule that a pickup line must be used at the first meeting. Because technically, you haven’t picked the girl up before or during the coffee or dinner date. Use the pickup line more as a deal clincher.

Some girls will be very receptive to pickup lines and some will laugh at you, throw their drink on you, and then kick you in the balls. You just have to accept the fact that this is going to happen and you don’t know what you are going to get. It’s sort of like when Diego Sanchez walk into the Octagon, you just don’t know what type of a fight you are going to get.  

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Sons of Anarchy is the best series ever made

Warning: This post may contain spoilers of Sons of Anarchy Season 6. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

THANK YOU! AND GOD BLESS!

Salamu

It has come to my attention that I have come across the most epic television series of all time. And while it will never rival the legendary Dallas as one of the television programmes with the most episodes of all time, Sons of Anarchy is quite possibly one of the most realistic series of all time and its creator Kurt Sutter is a bladdy genius and deserves an Oscar, an Emmy, a Pulitzer Prize and a Nobel Prize for literature.

While I am fully aware that I may not have to correct qualifications to give an educated opinion on the series, I am fully aware of my constitutional (and human) right to voice my opinion. And besides, the people who critique movies and television shows for a living are full of shit anyway and don’t know how to give a proper opinion on things anyway.

After cottoning on to the series in 2011, I was not prepared for the most realistic roller coaster of human emotions that the series would put me on. From the humble beginnings of the turf war with the Mayans, to dealing with the Nords, to rampaging through Belfast to rescue the kidnapped Abel, to dealing with RICO, to dealing with the Clay situation, I have been glued to my screen and completely fascinated by the development of the various characters and the role that they play in the series.

But nothing…not one damn thing could have prepared me for Season 6.

We knew that this was going to be a make or break season for the series as something needed to come to a head in order to bring viewers back to the series. Gone are the days where we have endless seasons of a series. It seems that they have a life span of five seasons, and then you start losing viewers.

The end of Season Five set the scene perfectly for season six, Clay was incarcerated for the murder of Damon Pope (a murder that he was framed for by Jax and Tigg), and Tara was incarcerated for her part in the murder of a correctional services nurse by Otto Delaney. So clearly Clay had an axe to grind while Tara wanted to distance herself and her boys from Gemma and the Club.

This was the basis of Season Six. Tara’s arrest was a defining moment in her relationship with the club as it was the last straw which broke the camel’s back she had enough of the Club and its bullshit and she has gone into the mode that every mother goes into, she needs to make major sacrifices to save her boys. Some thinks that her whole outlook of wanting to divorce Jax was due to her falling out of love with him. But in fact, it was just the opposite. All through the series you can see she is still desperately in love with Jax, and she so wants to be there for him. But she questions his ability to be a good role model for their sons. We all know that Jax himself never wanted to turn out the way that he did, but his history with the club and his election to its Presidency turned him. Abel and Thomas share that same history with the club and Tara was scared that the same fate was in store for them. The apple never does fall far from the tree.

She also didn’t want to turn in the club because she had the outlook of: Fuck all you guys, you have burned me so now I am going to burn you. She wanted to turn in the club to get immunity from prison. If she did jail time for conspiracy to murder that nurse, custody of the kids would go to Jax who is still significantly controlled by Gemma, who Tara believes is Satan reborn.

Everything that Tara did during the season was for her kids. The sacrifices she made, the schemes she tried to execute, the distance she put between herself and Jax were all for her kids. She transformed herself from the cute tabby cat to the tiger that she ended up becoming because of the threat to her kids.

Let it just be stated for the record that she was still as hot as shit. She will be missed during Season 7.

Clay had to die. It was decided during Season Four, Season Five and now in Season Six. We all knew it was coming.

The person you really feel sorry for is Jax. The opening of the Season Six Finale encapsulates it all: I hate what I have become, there are times when I must go for weeks without looking in the mirror because I am scared that I will smash it and cut my face with the broken shards of my reflection.

This was the entry into his journal at the beginning of the finale. And every  move that he has made since returning from Belfast has been to push the club towards earning cash in a legitimate manner and to move away from the violence and killings that running drugs and guns has brought the club. However, the drugs and guns is too big an earner for the IRA and the other organisations like the Mayans, the Niners and the Chinese for the guns to stop. And because the Sons have the network to run the drugs and guns effectively, these organisations are putting Jax under pressure and are sabotaging his plans.

Jax is caught between a rock and a hard place, he wants to move away from guns but he can’t because of the events I just described above. Coupled with this he has Tara doing what she needs to do to survive and the cops so far up his ass after a school shooting in the first episode. There are times when you can see the pure frustration in Jax’s face that can only come from a person who does not know what else to do to make things right.

Now for the finale, and it is at this point that I want to point out and reiterate my spoiler disclaimer above.

Sutter has once again outdone himself and has set the scene perfectly for Season 7. Jax agrees to hand himself over to the authorities in order for Tara to look after the boys and raise them away from the violence and bullshit that club business has brought into their homes. Gemma turns out to be the devil that Tara thought she was by brutally killing her. Sherriff Rooseveld is about to turn in Gemma but gets shot by Juice. Jax arrives at the home to turn himself in and sees the two bodies in the kitchen. He breaks down and holds Tara’s body when the District Attorney walks in and sees Jax, the two bodies and Jax’s gun (which was not used in the murders) on the floor.

So, Season 7. It will be a fitting end to the series because of a few things:

-         - Who will raise Abel and Thomas, Jax will be going to jail for RICO and possibly double murder after the DA walks in on a crime scene that he supposedly was responsible for. Everything that Tara fought so hard for turned to shit and the boys will either be raised by Gemma or Wendy.

-         - Will Gemma be brought to justice for her murder of Tara?

-         - Will Nero turn out like Jax after agreeing to head up the Stockton chapter of the Mayans?

-          - Who will die?

It’s a pity that we will have to wait until September 2014 to find this out. But one thing is for sure. Sutter never disappoints, and we should strap ourselves in for an emotional roller coaster.

It is at this time I would like to wish all of my fans a Happy Festive Season. Thank you for your support throughout the year and I hope to have your continued support in 2014.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Beating the December Blues

Salamu

We all know that feeling. It’s the end of the year…and you are quite frankly sick and tired of bullshit. You wake up every day thinking that this is a good day to hit someone and you actually get out of the car when a taxi cuts you off on the road. Yip my friend…you have the December Blues. A condition which only lasts two weeks at the beginning of December before you take that long deserved summer vacation. But don’t let the length of time fool you…because those two weeks will be the longest in your life.

The worst about the December Blues is that you absolutely cant asked to be doing any serious work. Let’s face it: you've being doing it the whole year for fuck sakes…surely they can understand your go-slow attitude. But the fact is that you still have to go to work during December until they close.

So what do you do to entertain yourself while trying to look busy at work? Well, when I was working at my first job after I got back from Dubai, we found some online quizzes that we spent the whole of Office December doing. I tell you, these were the shit! I loved them! Here is the link so I can spread some love: http://www.netquizzes.com/

Another way to pass the time is to read some entertaining articles. I came across this one yesterday about the worlds weirdest dictators. It is very amusing and cracked.com is a highly recommended site in my opinion.  There are a lot of profiles of the dictators in this article. But I’ll just include one:

Francisco Macias Nguema -- President of Equatorial Guinea

The son of a witch doctor, Nguema started with the humble position of mayor before becoming president of Equatorial Guinea in 1968. He banned the word "intellectual," shut down private schools and drove educated people out of his country because he had some sort of vendetta against book learning. Then he shut down several hospitals in favour of his witch doctor ancestry and, well, you can guess how that went.

He even banned the use of lubricants in a power plant, saying that he could keep the place running with his magic powers. Unsurprisingly, the plant broke down, and the entire capital was engulfed in darkness.

He frequently indulged in bhang, a drink made from marijuana, and often dined with imaginary friends and executed imaginary enemies, two activities known in America as "playing video games."

Hallucinations and video games go together like hallucinations and governing nations.

In 1971, Nguema declared himself the Grandmaster of Education, Science and Culture and changed the national motto to "There is no other God than Macias Nguema." To top it all off, Nguema killed the governor of the public bank and hid all the money in his jungle shed.

What happened to him?

Nguema's own nephew ousted him in a long-overdue coup. He was executed by firing squad in 1979, because evidently his magical powers did not extend to the stopping of bullets.

Either the most depressing book of all
time or the most amusing. 

I read about him in a book called the State of Africa by Martin Meredith, which let me just say is the most

depressing fucking book in the world, or the most amusing depending on your resistance to seeing how a beautiful continent like Africa can screw itself through power hungry bastards.  What cracked.com doesn’t mention, which Meredith does, is that Nguema buried all of the country’s money in the ground in that jungle hut. When he went back to reclaim it a few months later, it was all eaten by rats. TRUE STORY!

But there were one or two exclusions in that list of bat shit crazy dictators which I feel deserved a mention; Robert Mugabe and Idi Amin Dada (who self-styled himself as the Last King of Scotland even though he was as Scottish as I am a Zulu.) The list can be found here: http://www.cracked.com/article_18850_7-modern-dictators-way-crazier-than-you-thought-possible.html

A bit of a warning though, it is a bit outdated because Muammar Gaddafi and Kim Jong Il have both since taken the journey and are deceased. Probably to the delight of their people, although you wouldn't say so after seeing North Koreans crying in the street when Kim Jong Il died…but they were probably paid to do so.

Finally, we come to the site which has me addicted. And screw the person who got me onto this site. We all know about the wonders of Google. But how many of you have discovered the wonders of Gizzoogle?

Gizzoogle is the gangster version of Google. It works in the same way, except that it takes a perfectly normal webpage and puts into gangster talk. For example: I gizzoogled Anderson Silva, who is one of the top MMA fighters of all time, and I got taken to the gizzoogled version of his Wikipedia page, which hilariously becomes Wikipizzle.

Here are some descriptions of what gizzoogle did:

Anderson da Silva (born April 14, 1975) be a Brazilian mixed martial artist n' forma UFC Middleweight Champion. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Silva holdz tha longest title defense streak up in UFC history, which ended up in 2013 wit 16 consecutizzle wins n' 10 title defenses. Dude has 12 post-fight bonus awards. Silva is ranked as tha #2 middleweight up in tha ghetto by multiple publications includin Sherdog n' is tha consensus No. 1 pound-for-pound mixed martial arts fighter up in tha ghetto accordin ta ESPN, Sherdog, Yahoo! Sports n' other publications. UFC prez Dana White n' other publications have called Silva tha top billin mixed martial artist of all time.

Background

Anderson Silva started doin thangs April 14, 1975, a middle lil pimp of four. Da lil hustla of a poverty-stricken crew, Silva dropped tha majoritizzle of his childhood wit his thugged-out aunt n' uncle, a fool wit tha Curitiba five-o force.

Yo, silva first fuckin started hustlin jiu-jitsu wit hood lil playas whoz ass could afford lessons yo. Dude explained his crazy-ass muthafuckin introduction ta martial arts up in a rap battle wit FIGHT! Magazine: “When I started out, Jiu-Jitsu was straight-up a elite thang up in Brazil, n' there was some prejudice towardz skankyer kids, so I had ta learn thangs on mah own... Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of mah neighbors started bustin Jiu-Jitsu, so I started watchin it, n' then started rollin wit em. Well shiiiit, it wasn’t organized hustlin yo, but dat shiznit was mo' betta than nothing.” By tha age of twelve his crew was able ta set aside enough scrilla ta start his ass up in Tae Kwon Do lessons, from which he moved on ta Capoeira, before finally settlin on Muay Thai all up in tha age of sixteen.

Before his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started his game as a professionizzle fighter, Silva hit dat shiznit at McDonalds, n' also as a gangbangin' file clerk yo. Dude considaz Spider-Man a underground hero, n' has a stated ludd of comic books n' comic book heroes.

I am not making this up. Go to www.gizzoogle.net and see for yourself. This is a short description to what they did to Bruce Lee:

Hong Kong action film hustla
 n' tha smoker of Jeet Kune Do.

Bruce Lee was a Hong Kong Gangsta martial artist, Hong Kong action film hustla, martial arts instructor, filmmaker, n' tha smoker of Jeet Kune Do. Lee was tha lil hustla of Cantonese opera star Lee Hoi-Chuen yo. Dude is widely considered by commentators, muthafuckas, media n' other martial artists ta be one of da most thugged-out influential martial artistz of all time, n' a pop culture icon of tha 20th century. Dude is often credited wit helpin ta chizzle tha way Asians was presented up in Gangsta films.

Lee started doin thangs up in Chinatown, San Frankieco on 27 November 1940 ta muthafathas from Hong Kong n' was raised up in Kowloon wit his crew until his fuckin late teens yo. Dude was introduced ta tha film industry by his wild lil' daddy n' rocked up in nuff muthafuckin films as a cold-ass lil lil pimp hustla. Lee moved ta tha United Hoods all up in tha age of 18 ta receive his higher ejaculation, n' dat shiznit was durin dis time dat his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started teachin martial arts yo. His Hong Kong n' Hollywood-produced films elevated tha traditionizzle Hong Kong martial arts film ta a freshly smoked up level of popularitizzle n' acclaim, sparkin a surge of interest up in Chinese martial arts up in tha Westside up in tha 1970s. Da direction n' tone of his wild lil' films chizzled n' hyped up martial arts n' martial arts films up in Hong Kong n' tha rest of tha ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

Dude is noted fo' his bangin rolez up in five feature-length films: Lo Weiz Da Big Boss (1971) n' Fist of Fury (1972); Way of tha Dragon (1972), pimped up n' freestyled by Lee; Warner Brothers' Enter tha Dragon (1973) n' Da Game of Dirtnap (1973), both pimped up by Robert Clouse. Lee became a iconic figure known all up in tha ghetto, particularly among tha Chinese, as he portrayed Chinese nationalism up in his wild lil' films. Dude initially trained up in Win Chun yo, but later rejected well-defined martial art styles, favourin instead tha use of steez from various sources, up in tha spirit of his thugged-out lil' underground martial arts philosophy, which da ruffneck dubbed Jeet Kune Do (Da Way of tha Interceptin Fist). Lee held dual nationality of Hong Kong n' tha United Hoods. Dude took a dirt nap up in Kowloon Tong on 20 July 1973 all up in tha age of 32.

I am Gizzoogle mutha fuckez!

What can we gather from this? Well, the site is either being run by James Brown up in heaven or by Snoop

Lions man cave where he is hitting a spliff the size of a small country!

Entertaining yourself during Office December is possible. And hopefully I have shown you how to achieve this. But please be crafty about it and don’t let the management see you doing this.

Have a good festive season and a Blessed Christmas.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!