Beating the December Blues

Salamu

We all know that feeling. It’s the end of the year…and you are quite frankly sick and tired of bullshit. You wake up every day thinking that this is a good day to hit someone and you actually get out of the car when a taxi cuts you off on the road. Yip my friend…you have the December Blues. A condition which only lasts two weeks at the beginning of December before you take that long deserved summer vacation. But don’t let the length of time fool you…because those two weeks will be the longest in your life.

The worst about the December Blues is that you absolutely cant asked to be doing any serious work. Let’s face it: you've being doing it the whole year for fuck sakes…surely they can understand your go-slow attitude. But the fact is that you still have to go to work during December until they close.

So what do you do to entertain yourself while trying to look busy at work? Well, when I was working at my first job after I got back from Dubai, we found some online quizzes that we spent the whole of Office December doing. I tell you, these were the shit! I loved them! Here is the link so I can spread some love: http://www.netquizzes.com/

Another way to pass the time is to read some entertaining articles. I came across this one yesterday about the worlds weirdest dictators. It is very amusing and cracked.com is a highly recommended site in my opinion.  There are a lot of profiles of the dictators in this article. But I’ll just include one:

Francisco Macias Nguema -- President of Equatorial Guinea

The son of a witch doctor, Nguema started with the humble position of mayor before becoming president of Equatorial Guinea in 1968. He banned the word "intellectual," shut down private schools and drove educated people out of his country because he had some sort of vendetta against book learning. Then he shut down several hospitals in favour of his witch doctor ancestry and, well, you can guess how that went.

He even banned the use of lubricants in a power plant, saying that he could keep the place running with his magic powers. Unsurprisingly, the plant broke down, and the entire capital was engulfed in darkness.

He frequently indulged in bhang, a drink made from marijuana, and often dined with imaginary friends and executed imaginary enemies, two activities known in America as "playing video games."

Hallucinations and video games go together like hallucinations and governing nations.

In 1971, Nguema declared himself the Grandmaster of Education, Science and Culture and changed the national motto to "There is no other God than Macias Nguema." To top it all off, Nguema killed the governor of the public bank and hid all the money in his jungle shed.

What happened to him?

Nguema's own nephew ousted him in a long-overdue coup. He was executed by firing squad in 1979, because evidently his magical powers did not extend to the stopping of bullets.

Either the most depressing book of all
time or the most amusing. 

I read about him in a book called the State of Africa by Martin Meredith, which let me just say is the most

depressing fucking book in the world, or the most amusing depending on your resistance to seeing how a beautiful continent like Africa can screw itself through power hungry bastards.  What cracked.com doesn’t mention, which Meredith does, is that Nguema buried all of the country’s money in the ground in that jungle hut. When he went back to reclaim it a few months later, it was all eaten by rats. TRUE STORY!

But there were one or two exclusions in that list of bat shit crazy dictators which I feel deserved a mention; Robert Mugabe and Idi Amin Dada (who self-styled himself as the Last King of Scotland even though he was as Scottish as I am a Zulu.) The list can be found here: http://www.cracked.com/article_18850_7-modern-dictators-way-crazier-than-you-thought-possible.html

A bit of a warning though, it is a bit outdated because Muammar Gaddafi and Kim Jong Il have both since taken the journey and are deceased. Probably to the delight of their people, although you wouldn't say so after seeing North Koreans crying in the street when Kim Jong Il died…but they were probably paid to do so.

Finally, we come to the site which has me addicted. And screw the person who got me onto this site. We all know about the wonders of Google. But how many of you have discovered the wonders of Gizzoogle?

Gizzoogle is the gangster version of Google. It works in the same way, except that it takes a perfectly normal webpage and puts into gangster talk. For example: I gizzoogled Anderson Silva, who is one of the top MMA fighters of all time, and I got taken to the gizzoogled version of his Wikipedia page, which hilariously becomes Wikipizzle.

Here are some descriptions of what gizzoogle did:

Anderson da Silva (born April 14, 1975) be a Brazilian mixed martial artist n' forma UFC Middleweight Champion. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Silva holdz tha longest title defense streak up in UFC history, which ended up in 2013 wit 16 consecutizzle wins n' 10 title defenses. Dude has 12 post-fight bonus awards. Silva is ranked as tha #2 middleweight up in tha ghetto by multiple publications includin Sherdog n' is tha consensus No. 1 pound-for-pound mixed martial arts fighter up in tha ghetto accordin ta ESPN, Sherdog, Yahoo! Sports n' other publications. UFC prez Dana White n' other publications have called Silva tha top billin mixed martial artist of all time.

Background

Anderson Silva started doin thangs April 14, 1975, a middle lil pimp of four. Da lil hustla of a poverty-stricken crew, Silva dropped tha majoritizzle of his childhood wit his thugged-out aunt n' uncle, a fool wit tha Curitiba five-o force.

Yo, silva first fuckin started hustlin jiu-jitsu wit hood lil playas whoz ass could afford lessons yo. Dude explained his crazy-ass muthafuckin introduction ta martial arts up in a rap battle wit FIGHT! Magazine: “When I started out, Jiu-Jitsu was straight-up a elite thang up in Brazil, n' there was some prejudice towardz skankyer kids, so I had ta learn thangs on mah own... Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of mah neighbors started bustin Jiu-Jitsu, so I started watchin it, n' then started rollin wit em. Well shiiiit, it wasn’t organized hustlin yo, but dat shiznit was mo' betta than nothing.” By tha age of twelve his crew was able ta set aside enough scrilla ta start his ass up in Tae Kwon Do lessons, from which he moved on ta Capoeira, before finally settlin on Muay Thai all up in tha age of sixteen.

Before his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started his game as a professionizzle fighter, Silva hit dat shiznit at McDonalds, n' also as a gangbangin' file clerk yo. Dude considaz Spider-Man a underground hero, n' has a stated ludd of comic books n' comic book heroes.

I am not making this up. Go to www.gizzoogle.net and see for yourself. This is a short description to what they did to Bruce Lee:

Hong Kong action film hustla
 n' tha smoker of Jeet Kune Do.

Bruce Lee was a Hong Kong Gangsta martial artist, Hong Kong action film hustla, martial arts instructor, filmmaker, n' tha smoker of Jeet Kune Do. Lee was tha lil hustla of Cantonese opera star Lee Hoi-Chuen yo. Dude is widely considered by commentators, muthafuckas, media n' other martial artists ta be one of da most thugged-out influential martial artistz of all time, n' a pop culture icon of tha 20th century. Dude is often credited wit helpin ta chizzle tha way Asians was presented up in Gangsta films.

Lee started doin thangs up in Chinatown, San Frankieco on 27 November 1940 ta muthafathas from Hong Kong n' was raised up in Kowloon wit his crew until his fuckin late teens yo. Dude was introduced ta tha film industry by his wild lil' daddy n' rocked up in nuff muthafuckin films as a cold-ass lil lil pimp hustla. Lee moved ta tha United Hoods all up in tha age of 18 ta receive his higher ejaculation, n' dat shiznit was durin dis time dat his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started teachin martial arts yo. His Hong Kong n' Hollywood-produced films elevated tha traditionizzle Hong Kong martial arts film ta a freshly smoked up level of popularitizzle n' acclaim, sparkin a surge of interest up in Chinese martial arts up in tha Westside up in tha 1970s. Da direction n' tone of his wild lil' films chizzled n' hyped up martial arts n' martial arts films up in Hong Kong n' tha rest of tha ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

Dude is noted fo' his bangin rolez up in five feature-length films: Lo Weiz Da Big Boss (1971) n' Fist of Fury (1972); Way of tha Dragon (1972), pimped up n' freestyled by Lee; Warner Brothers' Enter tha Dragon (1973) n' Da Game of Dirtnap (1973), both pimped up by Robert Clouse. Lee became a iconic figure known all up in tha ghetto, particularly among tha Chinese, as he portrayed Chinese nationalism up in his wild lil' films. Dude initially trained up in Win Chun yo, but later rejected well-defined martial art styles, favourin instead tha use of steez from various sources, up in tha spirit of his thugged-out lil' underground martial arts philosophy, which da ruffneck dubbed Jeet Kune Do (Da Way of tha Interceptin Fist). Lee held dual nationality of Hong Kong n' tha United Hoods. Dude took a dirt nap up in Kowloon Tong on 20 July 1973 all up in tha age of 32.

I am Gizzoogle mutha fuckez!

What can we gather from this? Well, the site is either being run by James Brown up in heaven or by Snoop

Lions man cave where he is hitting a spliff the size of a small country!

Entertaining yourself during Office December is possible. And hopefully I have shown you how to achieve this. But please be crafty about it and don’t let the management see you doing this.

Have a good festive season and a Blessed Christmas.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!