Word of the Day

Marhaba.

I know I have been a bit thin on the picture side on this blog lately, but the reason for this is that people cant control themselvs and I have to update my blog through a proxy hider...which does not give you full access to all the options that the normal site would.

What turned out to be an experimental post actually transformed itself into one of my favourite features that I do. it is always nice to see that people read my blogs and absorb the information therein. a lady that works with me, and reads my blog religiously, was having a hard time on the phone with someone. After throwing a tantrum she banged the phoned down and called him a Panocha.

So to today's words:

Word: Gaijin
Origin: Japan
Meaning: Ethnical slur for foreigners visiting Japan. It means Outside person. Originates from early Empirical Japan where Japanese people were still apprehensive to throw away the traditions handed down to them by the Samurai....because of this they were very reluctant to trust foreigners.
Application: "why you dye your hair? You want to be gaijin?"

Word: Gook
Origin: American solders during the Korean War.
Meaning: Racial slur to describe Koreans. It didn't start out as a slur...An American approached a Korean. The Korean did not understand the American, instead he pointed at him and called out "Mi Gook" which means "America" in Korean. The American then mistakened the Korean and thought the Korean was refering to himself as a "gook." After the Korean War, American started to refer to Koreans as Gooks for short term thinking it was a short name for Korean.
Application: "I cant stand the way the gooks are taking over the world man. They are EVERYWHERE!"

Word:Vodka Ass
Origin: Russia
Meaning: When a girl consumes premium vodka or any other good hard liquor on a regular if not excessive basis and her ass gets big in the process it is called a vodka ass.

To summerise: If a Japanese person is calling you a Gaijin:-kick his ass! If you call a Korean person a Gook they will most likely kick your ass...and Vodka Ass is acceptable on a Woman...within reason people! WITHIN REASON!

The health of the nation

Once again please hit a pause of the last song on the post Why Reggae is Great. Shookran.

This post might be a bit serious for some peoples liking...but it is a serious topic.

So America’s first lady: Michelle Obama is in town and she paid a courtesy visit to South Africa’s honorary first citizen Nelson Mandela.

F##K JZ…. As long as he is alive Mandela will always be more important then any President we elect. Key word in that sentence is as long as he is alive.

How long has he got left anyway? At 93…the man has had a good innings.

After her trip to Mandela, Obama said that he is in good health. But this announcement comes a week after the death of Albertina Sisulu and scant hours after the death of Kader Asmal, both struggle veterans.

Could it be that higher powers are telling Obama what to say so that the country does not hit panic stations and journalists start pitching tents outside Madiba’s home on ‘death watch’? We must remember that the man was in hospital last year for treatment relating to a respiratory tract infection.

One would hate to think that this is the case, but being in a situation where this has happened before….don’t count it out.

As is widely publicised on the Lions Den, I lived in Dubai UAE for two years between from beginning 2005 to the early 2007. I was at a press conference for the 2006 Dubai Marathon at the JW Marriot when it was announced that the Sheikh of the Dubai Emirate (what you would call a Province or a State of the UAE) Sheikh Maktoum died suddenly.

Two weeks of national mourning was declared all the Night Club Establishments and Dance Halls were closed and the radio stations (including the one yours truly worked for) played recordings of the Qur’an [as is tradition when a member of state dies].

Only after the period of morning and the burial did it transpire that Sheikh Maktoum was actually quite ill before he passed on. This was not released to the public at the time of his death or leading up to his death in fear that it would in fact cause national panic.

So it is quite possible that the same will happen with Madiba. Or they will be open and honest about his illness and hope that the country respects the mans legacy enough to not go into a complete state of anarchy.

Guaranteed there will be whole scale panic from the white population.

Madiba must be one of the very few Black leaders who has won the hearts of every white person in the country. Even the generation of Apartheid extremists who were still around when he was elected President in 1994.

Living next door to us at the time was a family relative from my Grandfathers side who was one of Eugene Terrebalnche’s body guards back when the AWB were holding rallies one or twice a month. When it came to the 1994 elections he (like many other white South Africans) believed that there was going to be a civil war and that the ANC would convince the Black people of the country to go on a witch hunt to ‘necklace’ all the whites. So he stocked up on tined beef, backed beans, tined sweet corn, and candles.

The elections came and went peacefully and he was forced to eat his words about the black people. But then he said that the civil war will come when Mandela dies.

There is a stronger case for this then many would care to admit. When Mandela took power he established a party based on sound moral values, which were embraced by leaders such as Thabo Mbeki and Cyril Ramaphosa. However, the leadership of the ANC has deteriorated so much that leaders such as Julius Malema tell the crowd that they must vote for the ANC or Mandela will die!

While Mandela is alive his presence can keep these imbeciles in check and keep them on the moral straight and narrow. With him gone there will no one to keep these miscreants on a proverbial ‘leash’ and who knows what they might do.

Word of the Day

Hi there.

Before we continue please hit a pause on the last song on the post: Why Reggae is great.

I feel like James Bond today. Mainly because some lovely people whom I know (no names will be mentioned) dont know the meaning of self restraint. While the Lion of Lebanon updates: The Lions Den once, maybe twice a week, other people update theirs EVERY DAY.

There is a saying in life which says that if you give a person enough rope they will hang themselves, so now because we have people updating their blogs everyday, our IT man at the work has blocked the blogger website.

Being the ever resourceful man that i am i managed to log on through a proxy hider and am updating this blog. I hope it works.

One thing i usually do partake in is updating my blog after a weekend. Ordinarily it would not be a 'word of the day' post if the last such post was at the end of last week. However events which occurred at the Sharks vs Bulls Super 15 Rugby game on the weekend warrants a word of the day post.

Word:Pajero
Meaning: Spanish slang word meaning 'He who fiddles with himself for sexual gratification'.

So the cops descended on Loftus BEFORE THE ACTUAL RUGBY GAME KICKED OFF and arrested a score of Sharks and Bulls fans for 'public dunkeness and disturbing the peace' they then held these people for only FOUR HOURS BEFORE RELEASING THEM WITH A 'SPOT FINE' OF R150 EACH.

The Pork spokesperson Duane Lightfoot says that the blitz was in the interest of to “maintaining law and order” at the stadium.

Im sorry but you are a Pajero Duane Lightfoot! We all know it was for Nandos money.

Were there RIOTS outside the stadium? Were the supporters acting like DEPERADOS GUNSLINGING AT EVERY TOM, DICK AND HARRY THAT PASSED BY? If the answer is NO to any of these questions Mr Lightfoot then you are FULL OF SHIT and a Fibber! The arresting of people for 'Public Drunkenness' is the easiest way to get bribes off people. And you should know this. ALSO…aren’t you supposed to hold these people overnight and not just for FOUR HOURS!

Then in an article on sport 24 some bitch by the name of Corine van Dyk backs up the porks actions saying that on game days the areas around Loftus are a bit hectic!

You puta de mierda. You live near a stadium bitch, of course you are going to be inconvinienced on game days! But answer me this:... Do these games last five days? NO! Do these games even last ten hours? Once again…NO! Maybe you called the cops because your prostetution business gets affected on game days. Not enough men come knocking on your door to service you.

I wonder if you called the cops during the Soccer World Cup? Or on days when they play soccer at Loftus? If not then not only are you a prostitute but a racist one at that. Guess who wont be recomending your establishment to international visitors.

Words of the Day

Please hit a pause on the last song on the blog title: 'Why Reggae is Great!' Shookran

I had every intention of updating 'The Lions Den' from Lusaka...but as my luck would have it the internet access at the hotel was existent...but extremely limited.

Now I am playing catch up! THANKS PROTEA ARCADES HOTEL LUSAKA! PANOCHA'S!

Words of the day!

First up a normal word, not slang.

WORD: DELECTABLE: extremely beautiful, captivating, attractive, beguiling
Application: Ana Paquin is one of the most delectable woman I have seen in a long time.

Now for some good old street slang!

WORD: OYIBO (sometimes pronounced: yo-hi-bo): Nigerian word for white man which has derogatory connotations associated to it.
Application: I slipped the oyibo the cocaine telling him that they are headache pills. Hopefully the pigs in Accra let him through without arresting his ass!

Word: FINE CHINA: Used to describe a female/male who is hotter then delectable. Has roots in the fact that Chinese Crockery is often considered works of art.
Application: Back that shit up nigga! Just have a look at that piece of fine china right there!

However...may also refer to:

FINE CHINA: the original definition refers to heroin in its purest form. It is a white powder unlike "dirty" heroin which is brown or black. Fine china can be snorted.

Straight to the Shalafain Dictionary they go

Airport Madness and How Spar is 'Good for You'

Salamu.

Sometimes life has a very nasty way of taking something that you were looking forward to and F##king it up. I mean by making the experience so un-enjoyable that you stop and ask yourself: 'Do the ends really justify the means?'

So I flew to Zambia on Tuesday and I am a firm believer in getting to the Airport early for International flights just in case there are some nasty surprises in store. I was only due to check into my flight to Lusaka at 5:55 pm, but I arrived at Ortia at 3:30pm. I walk up to the SAA desk and ask the lady to check me in. She tells me that there is a problem with my ticket and what insued was three hours of me phoning the company who organised my trip to Zambia and swearing them broken to the stage where SAA called the pigs for me at the departure terminal who told me that they would 'clap me in irons' if I did not 'display a greater level of self restraint and decorum'. NIGGA PLEASE! LIKE A PIG EARNING MINIMUM WAGE KNOWS THE MEANING OF DECORUM! But I never told him that.

Eventually I got flight tickets 20 minutes after the flight closed. I had to make like Jessie Owens and break all sprinting records running to the boarding gates from the ticket counter. People were giving me daggers as I pushed in at the passport control desk but it needed to be done.

I got on the flight and an associate of mine asked me why I held the plane up, I told him that we would catch up in Zambia as I am ready to kill someone. What i didn't notice was that at the exact moment that I said that a flight attendant was standing behind me and said to me that it was not the best thing to say on a plane full of passengers and that if I dont make my way to my seat then she would have to call the pigs for me.

I tried my luck once...I doubt I would be so lucky a second time.

I was livid at this stage and found my seat. I was so pissed off and aggravated that I didn't even flirt with the two really cute blonde sisters who were sitting in the same row as me on the other side of the isle! And they were the cutest little things I had seen in a LONG TIME!

Being in Zambia was amazing. I got some really good stories and got to peruse a shopping center to see how our African brothers live.

And I came to the conclusion that Zambia should just be made another province of South Africa! No bull-shit. They have Shoprite, Mica, Mikes Kitchen, Wimpy, News Cafe, Rhapsodies and Ster Kinakor. All South African founded brands.

Another famous South African Brand which I saw was SPAR! So I popped in to pick up a few things for the fridge back at my hotel room. And to my amazement they sell alcohol at Spar! And I am not talking about your run of the mill Wine (which is sold at Spars in SA as well) but Beers and Hard Liquor!

And a beer in Zambia costs R6! Ask any South African when last they paid R6 for a beer and they will have to go back more then 10 years!

So I filled my fridge at the hotel room with my second favorite beer in the world (Mosi) and did some work. I then went to have some dinner.

I didn't eat at the hotel for the very reason that I was not keen to pay an arm and a leg for a toasted sandwich that would make me more hungry then anything else. So I ventured back to the shopping center where I ate at the ZamChick Inn. Which is a piss poor attempt to rival KFC.

Talk about a limited menu. You have a choice of either 1 piece with chips, 2 pieces with chips, three pieces with chips, four pieces with medium chips or five pieces with 2 medium chips.

So I go for the four piece as I am ravenous. It took 10 minuets to prepare and the chicken was EXTREMELY brown. Either they had deep fried it really well or deep fried it in oil that was a week old. I was hoping it was the former.

I then had to be up at 4:15 in the morning on Youth Day to make a 7:15 am flight. I have never been asked to see my passport as many times in my life then at the Lusaka International Airport. Not even in ZIMBABWE when they KNEW I WAS A JOURNALIST!

All in all Zambia was awesome but I was so run down when I got back to SA that I slept most of my Youth Day.

Fun times!

Why Reggae is Great!

Salamu

Before you continue: Hit a pause on the last song please. BLADDY MP3 RAID. LAST TIME I AM LINKING THEM TO MY SITE!

This is a traditional Swahili greeting...I am greeting the Lions Den massive in this way in preparation of hitting Lusaka tonight...HARD! Like only the Lion of Lebanon knows how.

I have very fond memories of my last trip to Zambia, primarily because like me, the Zambian are Rasta's at heart with peace and love for mankind the foremost qualities which are reflected in their everyday lives.

This may have a bit to do with the staple of Zambian radio airplay:– Reggae music. My favorite genre.

I am questioned everyday about why I like what people have unfairly labeled 'drug addict music', well its because this 'drug addict music' has more meaning attached to it then your 'sober mans music'

Take Bob Marley, the pearls of wisdom's from his songs are legendary. In Buffalo soldier he said: If you know your history, you will know where you're coming from. Then you wouldn't have to ask me, who the hell you think I am. Again in Redemption Song he says: Emancipate yourself from mental slavery none but ourselves can free our minds. He later asks: How long shall dey kill our prophets while we stand aside and look?

Alot of people think that Redemption Song was the man's Last Will and Testament as he was in the last ravages of the cancer which was killing him. But like Eddy Grants: Gimme Hope Joanna Redemption song is an Anti-Apartheid song, albeit alot more subtle then Gimme Hope Joanna.

People should listen to reggae more because there are alot of cultural references there in which makes the genre more then a 'Time and Place' genre.

I take you dear readers back to an Establishment in Dubai called Scarlets. A good friend of myne Candice and Myself were hitting the bar and the dance floor HARD when the DJ played Gimme Hope Joanna. I told Candice that this takes me back to SA and she asked why. I was aghast that she had NEVER payed attention to the lyrics before so I told her to listen closely.

eddy grant songs
Free Mp3

I will post the words of the first verse for you to follow:
Well Jo'anna she runs a country She runs in Durban and the Transvaal She makes a few of her people happy, oh She don't care about the rest at all She's got a system they call apartheid It keeps a brother in a subjection But maybe pressure can make Jo'anna see How everybody could a live as one

This song also takes me back to a party at a South African Establishment called Back of the Moon. In 2005 the Establishment used to host SA Idols parties where guest artists would perform along with Idol participants. Dr Victor and the Rasta Rebels do a cover of Gimme Hope Joanna and were performing on the night myself and a couple of mates were there. When they belted out this track the crowd went mad, arranged themselves in lines with military precision and proceeded to Square Dance to Gimme Hope Joanna.

One song...transcending two genre's. However I don't know how well the Rednecks in Louisiana or New Orleans will take to this info.

You see...to me Reggae is so much more then Time and Place specific. Its the type of music that appeals to all ages, and is the ultimate feel good party music.

And there is a bit for every one.

For the revolutionaries:

bob marley songs
Free MP3 Downloads

For the Drunkards:

ub40 songs
Many FREE music downloads

The lovers:

ub40 songs
Many FREE music downloads

ub40 homely girl mp3 | lyrics

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

Those who have just broken up with someone:

eddy grant do you feel my love mp3 | lyrics

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

free music downloads | music videos | pictures

Until later: Keep Da Fait Mon! Don Let No Body Pull Ya Down in Dem Dumps!

I hope this proves my point that Reggae is a staple of my world and should be a staple in every man and womans to!

Pride at work and personal travel essentials

Marhaba.

So the countdown to Zambia is finally here. This time tomorrow I will (unfortunately) still be at my desk at work making sure that I have all the relevant documentation necessary for my trip.

Unfortunately the PANOCHA'S arraigning my travel schedule saw it fit to book me on the LAST FLIGHT from Ortia to Lusaka which departs at 18:55 pm. This means that I have to be in the office tomorrow until at least 3 pm. Like hell (I was so tempted to use a more offensive word here which rhymes with duck and begins with an F...but I have promised a certain female friend of mine who works with me to try and 'mend my ways' as it where) will my company get any work out of me tomorrow. I'm already working on Youth Day, which is a public holiday in South Africa and my employer seems to feel feathers about that fact!

This P.I.S.S.E.S M.E O.F.F!

I am very funny when it comes to situations such as this. I can either be your best friend...or your worst enemy! And being on my bad side is not a place where you want to be because you will have too walk through hell to move away from it! Trust me!

The funny thing is, I was never like this in the past, I was always calm...placid...and quick to forgive. However, the break up from my ex-girlfriend, and the events which led thereto, taught me differently. I suppose its one of those life lessons that you learn which gives you scars that you will carry around with you for the rest of your life. But one of my favorite philosophers, Khalil Gibran, said: Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls, massive characters are seared with scars. In the past I adopted a philosophy of: Live and Let Live. Now I am more of a: Once Bitten...Twice Shy person. And I hate people who intentionally try and screw others without so much as a bad feeling about it!

This is all besides the point of today's post.

The first topic is one which is very dear to my heart and stems from a life motto which was instilled into me by my parents and grandparents.

Although Eleanor and Tracy are good friends of mine in the office, they are not my closest confidant at the office. This title belongs to a girl who started working at the office on the same day as me, so we have been friends for over four years now. We always go for coffee breaks at work together where we discuss a number of topics. Today she had a bit of a rant because the Rocket Scientists who work our switch-board keep putting through the wrong phone calls to her. Now Chanel is not the rudest person in the world and doesn't mind helping people. But if you piss her off she is a Wild Cat! When I pressed her further about the call she said that the person on the other end of the line didn't ask to speak to anyone in particular the call was just put through to her.

I'm sorry this is just a case of having a Don't Care attitude where: I am the lowest educated employee at the office so why should I take pride in my work.

Public disclaimer time people: Some sections of this post may refer to African people in a way that in South Africa's past may seem racist. In no way am I myself a racist, I have many close African friends whom I care for immensely. This information applies to the MINORITY of the South African black population as opposed to the MAJORITY.

Needless to say that the said Rocket Scientist at our reception is an African Lady (fact) and she has embraced a 'Black South African Chip On My Shoulder' attitude and arrogance associated with her bearing in society. This is a legacy of the new government where the ANC said 17 years ago that black people are ENTITLED to respect where they don't have to work for it.

And this is not an isolated incedent. When I was in the Kruger Park in October a yank who was doing a tour of the whole Park...North-through to-South told me that he was so surprised at the arrogance of the black people in South Africa.

Here I must agree with my Yank associate. Some black people in South Africa are ARROGANT AS SHIT and in my opinion, no matter what happened in the past, People are not entitled to shit! If you want a top position in a company you WORK for it. If you want respect you must EARN it. The only thing that arrogant people are entitled to in my opinion is a good old fashioned ASS WOOPPING. WHOOP HIS ASS LIKE A GOVERNMENT MULE!

I can still hear my grandfather now: Finish what you start...A man that cant be depended on is worthless in this world. Take pride in everything that you do...A man without pride is a man without heart. Work hard...The world is a cruel place NOTHING will be handed to you on a silver platter.

And you will be surprised at how many Black South Africans do not take pride in their work because they are employed in a lower position when they feel that they are entitled to better.

In the past a gardener was a gardener. Now days people are saying that you should employ gardeners that come from Zimbabwe or Mozambique because they are the hardest workers. this implies that South African gardeners have a 'Black South African Chip On My Shoulder' attitude and arrogance and are lazy.

The second topic of the day relates to my travels and a post that I did on African travel essentials. Well lets have a look at personal travel essentials.

Everybody has their own travel essential items mine is a good book and some good movies.

I am currently on a re-read of Tom Harper's trilogy relating to the First Crusade. For some reason I found the first book laborious on the first read but compelling on the re-read. It also makes a difference when you read the books in the correct order. On the first read I purchased the last book in the series then the second and then the first and that was the order in which they were read. So this time I did the sane thing and read: The Mosaic of Shadows...then Knights of the Cross...and now The Siege of Heaven. I am at an important part in the last book The Siege of Heaven where the Calif of Egypt has sent the ambassadors from Byzantium and the 'Army of God' to his hunting retreat along the southern banks of the Nile to be executed.

I visited Stalker on the weekend...in between getting a bit hammered at Hooters and watching the rugby at Ellis Park... and refreshed my movie database. What I am completely stoked about is acquiring the First, Second, and Third season of True Blood! MY WORD...I had forgotten how delectable Anna Paquin (Sookie Stackhouse in the series) was until I started watching Season 1 after first seeing it in 2008. AIRA! Makes me want to become a vampire.

It has a very gritty and often times adult themed story line, but has a bit more substance then My Name is Earl another Southern Themed series. And besides...who would you rather like to look at? Anna Paquin or Jamie Pressly? For their acting abilities of course.

I just wish Anna would sort out her buck-teeth. I was watching X-Men Last Stand last night on E TV with a Russian Bear Vanilla Vodka in my hand and was wondering the whole movie why the character Rogue looked so familiar. At the end of the movie she flashed this huge ear-to-ear smile and I screamed out in the biggest Hillbilly accent I could muster: Is that you Sookie Stackhouse? Id recognize those beautiful buck-teeth anywheres! She could be diguised as a green alian with blue hair and I will recognize her just by her buck-teeth!

So in my down time when Zambian TV is crappy I will be forging through The Siege of Heaven and Season 1 of True Blood which reminds me that I need to take my Doxitab tonight before the Mosquito's have a right royal time of infecting my thick white-ass with Maleria (which incidentally kills more people in Africa every year then AIDS or TUBERCULOSIS making the Mosquito Africa's most dangerous animal!)

Heavy Pickup Lines

Its Friday Afternoon on the plains (AKA:where I work) and the Lion of Lebanon is not the most productive person in the world.

A tiny little thing is worrying me. I am a movie buff and can quote scrips from certain movies verbatim. And in some movies I can remember only the best lines. There is this certain dialogue piece from a movie which is stuck in my mind and I can remember the movie it comes from.

Man: I thought it was a good line
Woman (blushing): It was a very good line.

People if you can remember the movie or even the two actors from this scene...please...help a brother out in the comments section.

This relates to the second topic of today and a topic to take with you into the weekend and the jauls you might have. Pick up lines.

I heard some ABSOLUTLY terrible ones at gym on Tuesday night. At gym you may ask with a look of utter shock and disgust on your face. Yes gym. Tracy even gave a a look of utter shock and disgust when I told her this just now.

Anyway: my favorite person to listen to at the gym has been profiled on this site before and he is without a doubt the biggest bullshitter alive. He is also the dirtiest man alive. He once said that he doesnt come to gym to train he comes to take roids and look at assets as well as bottom strategies. So now you know about the calaber of the man. He is relentless. A women cant walk past him in the gym without him trying to flirt with her or throw a one liner at her. The otherday there was this fairly attractive 31 year old woman training at the weight section and he just wouldnt stop so he asked her how old she was and she said 31. He then shouted "31! Mr Wolf...do you know when last I felt 31?" Mr Wolf, playing along, answers no. So BS said "Right now" as he put his arm around the lady's shoulder!

WTF! How desperate are you to try and pick up girls at the gym with pick up lines like that! SIS MAN MAMNEEGH!

So now its Friday night...you're dressed to the nines, perhaps even ten and a half, and you are in the mood for a heavy jaul! Problem is if you are a girl you have the prospect of facing a night of avoiding the worst imaginable situation: A night of avoiding bad pick up lines!

A memorible bad one was back in my heavy jauling days, the days when we used to give the Askria trouble out of the back of our Arabia's with the Gamroh pumping Milk Incorporated's La Vache out of our sound systems.

Our favorite spot used to be Night Fever (which is now Casablanca and is across the road from my current favorite haunt Hooters) and Tuesday nights used to be Free Drinks Nights. You pay 50 Rand and you drink all you can for free between 8 pm and 10 pm. One one such night I was at the bar getting a drink and heard a certain Lebanese boy say: “Yes I know I look like Bruce Willis, I must admit, I’m only now getting used to the attention I get!” This is the same guy who used to use: Dont you think I look a little bit like Bruce Willis as a pick up line to girls when he was sober.

I mean really come on now. When I heard him belt out the Night Fever line I gave him a WTF look and he shouted: SPIN IT! SPIN IT! SHOOF THE BINNIT!

For my part...I was never one for pickup lines. I always preferred the strategy of buying a girl a drink, asking her what her name is, and taking it from there.

But how does it feel to be on the receiving end of these lines? From a girls perspective? Well lets ask Tracy.

Here is something I always wanted to find out. How does a girl handle such situations in the most amicable way? I mean if she laughs at him he might loose his temper and pop her one on the eye (with the fist people...with the fist), if she 'disses him' then the guys friends turn him into the laughing stock. In both these cases she is branded a BITCH. If she just gives the guy a dirty look and walks away she runs the risk of being branded a LESBIAN.

Below are some of the worst lines I have come across:

1. Just call me milk; I'll do your body good.

2. Your body's name must be Visa; because it's everywhere I want to be.

3. Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?

4. I may not be Fred Flintstone, but I bet I can make your Bed Rock.

5. Want to play house? You be the screen door and I'll slam you all night long.

6. Excuse me; do you have your phone number? I've seem to have lost mine.

7. I'm new in town -- can I have directions to your house?

8. If your left leg was Thanksgiving and your right leg Christmas, could I visit you between the holidays?

9. You might not be the best looking girl here, but beauty is only a light switch away.

10. Hi, I'm a necrophiliac, how good are you at playing dead?

FML... how heavy is number 10? How MOLAR do you have to be to get to the stage where you belt out lines like that? TERRIBLE! once again: MAMNEEGH!

Unless something drastic happens over the weekend at Hooters my next post will be from my favorite African city (besides Durban and Inhambane) Lusaka.

A year on from the 2010 World Cup

Last year this time, South Africa was in the midst of World cup fever which lasted until the 12 of July.

Ask any South African where they were on the opening day of the world cup and they will be able to tell you. Not because of the fact that the event was being held in SA but because of this.....

World Cup South Africa 2010 Opening Goal - More amazing video clips are a click away

The first goal of the World Cup 2010 was not scored by a Mexican or a Uruguayan or even a Frenchman. It was scored by our very own Siphiwe Tshabalala.

Just a note: For the unfortunate few who have not had the pleasure of watching SA soccer...the noise in the background is not a swarm of killer bees comming to sting the shit out of the players on the field. It is the sound of 90 000 Vuvuzelas being blown at once.

But lets be hounest. It might be irritating, but you are not proudly South African if you dont own a Vuvuzela or know how to blow one. Even Diego Maradona likes them.

Even if you were the most pessimistic bastard in the world (which I can admittedly be at times when it comes to my country) you couldn't help but be proudly South African and proud of your country after watching that goal. I cried like a baby when he scored that goal,the only time you will ever see me cry is during emotional moments of sporting events. I don't cry at weddings or funerals. I cry during sports events. I cried like a baby when we won the 2007 Rugby World Cup in France and I cried like a baby when 'Tshaba' scored that goal.

Another very emotional moment for me on that day was seeing one of my favorite performers of all time R Kelly performing the unofficial World Cup anthem Sign of a Victory.

	R. Kelly - Sign Of Victory .mp3
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

Alot of people ask me why am I fan of R Kelly and they give me every excuse in the book about him abusing drugs and sexually assaulting an underage girl, and I tell them that I am a fan of R Kelly for the same reason that 80% of the world was (and still are) a fan of Queen (and we all know what a dodgy Cabron Freddy Mercury was). I am a fan of R Kelly because his music has meaning. His lyrics have meaning. He doesn't just sing about bro's, ho's, smoking weed and getting paid. Listen to the song. Close your eyes and concentrate on the lyrics.

But this is all besides the point. A year on from the World Cup, has South Africa benefited from the World Cup?

The Positives
South Africa benefited mainly in the form of tourism. Because of the tourists during the World Cup period for every one rand spent on improving South Africa for the event the country saw a ROI of four rand. This means that South Africa made R4-billion out of the event. A profit of R3-billion.

And this lasted long after the event. I went to the Kruger park three months after the World Cup final and there were Australians, Canadians, Americans, Israelis, Arabs, and Japanese tourist groups all in the Kruger because they saw the World Cup on TV and wanted to visit the country.

The standard of South Africa's soccer has also improved. For many years, and even during the World Cup, the South African soccer team (known affectionately as Bafana Bafana or The Boys) had foreign coaches with local coaches having to be content with playing role of the supplicant assistant. However, after South Africa's first round exit from the event the calls for a local coach were to loud to ignore and Pitso Mosimane was named as the new coach.

Under Mosimane, Bafana has improved immeasurably crushing African Champions Egypt in Johannesburg and then getting a draw in a rather dirty affair in Cairo. Who would have thought that Bafana, a team that couldn't beat the like of Cape Verde Islands two years ago, would prevent the AFRICAN CHAMPIONS, a team that has won the last three African Cup of Nations tournaments, from participating in the 2012 event? Bafana has also jumped 20 ranking points under Mosimane. 20!

The Negatives
There were infrastructure improvements left, right, and center in South Africa leading up the World Cup but the ordinary South African could not see the benefits of this.

The Gautrain was built, but at R100 a return ticket from Sandton to OR Thambo International Airport a person who makes minimum wage and is flying to Durban once a year cant afford that.

Eskom upgraded the efficiency on its power grid, but we still have rolling blackouts in areas where some of them have not had power for weeks on end. Seems like the Prince of Darkness is the nickname for the CEO of Eskom once again.

We have fantastic new stadiums all around the country, but are they becoming White Elephants? We need to have more big events at these stadiums, and not only soccer now. It needs to be a mix of Soccer, bands, conferences and exhibitions.

Overall the feeling is that South Africa did benefit from the World Cup. But instead of the country revelling in these benefits it is saying: Yes SA has benefited...but at what cost? And this dear readers is a shame.

Lets have a stab at it then!

MARHABBA SAA!

Once again, events over the past few days have prompted me to write this post.

It concerns the way men and women think or act, or handle situations. The most famous explanations about this topic comes from John Gray who famously wrote Women are from Venus, Men are from Mars. Since then every man and his dog has had a stab at trying to explain the differences between the sexes. Even STEVE HARVEY has had a go at it.

Bearing the above in mind I thought: why not have a go!

Ladies and Gentlemen, Damas y Caballeros. the world of men and women as explained by THE LION OF LEBANON....SHALAFIAN! Please hold all applause until the end!

PUBLIC DISCLAIMER: Before I proceed...I am not degrading anyone in this post or attacking them in any way shape or form. I care for all of my friends and am doing this to promote a better understanding between the sexes. Please dont take the contents of this post as a personal attack.

Thought process regarding laws of attraction
I will endeavor to look at three basic sections which outline startling differences. As you can see above the first relates to laws of attraction.

I got L.A.M.B.A.S.T.E.D the other day by a certain friend because of what she deems inappropriate comments about women. You know my question is what is wrong with saying that a women is attractive? Here is the first inherent difference between men and women. Men are vocal about what they are attracted to in a women while women are not so vocal. She then said to me the way I talk is dangerous and degrading to women.

DANGEROUS? Tell me something....what is more dangerous? A dog that growls and barks at you and then bites you? or A dog that gives no indication of its capabilities and then bites you unawares? Any parent or child lover will tell you that the second dog is the most dangerous. Why? Because there is no Grey area with dog number 1 you know its capabilities! Dog number 2 is, as my friend put it, a wolf in sheep's clothing.

Is this not the same then with men and women? Which is the greater sin? Appreciating beauty and vocalising it, or Appreciating beauty, having dirty thoughts and keeping them to yourself?

She then proceeds to talk about an event that she went to where the key note speaker was 'A Looker'. Oh now she can talk about the beauty of people and I cant? A BIT OFFSIDE WHAT! WHATS GOOD FOR THE GOOSE SHOULD BE GOOD FOR THE GANDER!

Be that as it may...
Shalafain: What was attractive about him?
Friend: Everything!

Difference number two. Women will look at the whole package and then make a summation thereon. Men are prepared to bypass certain aspects if certain others are far superior.

A man's world consists of two things: a good asset portfolio and a well rounded bottom strategy. PERIOD...she could be the dumbest thing alive and most men will still be attracted to her.

A woman's world is far more complicated. Because he could be the right height, right weight, have the right looking eyes (shape, color), the right hairstyle. But if he doesn't have a personality that a woman likes then he is pretty screwed! Because she will look past all of his admirable qualities and crucify him because he opened his mouth.

Bringing emotion and passion into the workplace
JUST TO CLARIFY...This has nothing to do with anything dirty. It has to do with the handling of situations.

A girl at work's computer breaks she calls the IT guy and tells him as much. He looks at the machine and tells her that she wont see it until Monday.

Girl: But I am on deadline and have to hand in stories today.
IT Guy: Shame.

A friend of mine at work then says that the IT guy is mean. Agreed, he was. But he was looking at the situation from an unemotional perspective where he outlined the reality of the situation. I mean what he said was better then: Perhaps I can get it to you today depending on my work schedule and what is wrong with the machine and the weather conditions outside.

If the IT guy said this then he would be giving the girl false hope. I mean sometimes you need to remove yourself emotionally from a situation and look at it like a Cold Ruthless Bastard in order to make a proper decision about how to approach or handle it.

More often then not women are more guilty of making decisions from a space of emotional care then men.

Worriers vs Onlookers
The best way to describe this difference is to look at a pride of Lions and how they interact in the wilderness.

The male lions laze around the pride and let the female lions worry about the hunting. Because inherently, women worry about how a problem will resolve itself before it is resolved.

Problem: The pride is hungry.
Solution:The female lions think:where to hunt? what to hunt? who will chase first? who will chase second? and who will go in for the kill? Will the males give them a chance at the food? what will the cubs eat? i hope they are not killing each other. what if they are? Will the males be able to handle it? ECT ECT ECT. The male looks at the food presented to him (because he knows that the problem will be resolved) walks over and eats. He then moves aside and checks on the cubs...they not killing each other...great. He sleeps. PROBLEM SOLVED!

I could go on forever, but lets leave at this for now. Until events warrant another post...I so need a hubbly

POST SCRIPT: Added at 16:28 pm on the 8th day of June 2011
All I can say is AIRA!

As you are all well aware. Eleanor and Tracy (the two ladies which work with me) have been harassing me, haranguing me and making me feel like the biggest bastard alive because of my comments about women and their efforts are paying off.

Coming back to the office from a lunch function I got cut off by an Opel Corsa. I was not impressed and was about to launch a tirade of swearing that would have made an Irishman blush...except...except...that was until the driver flashed the most beautiful eyes ever seen on a woman at me.

I bit my tongue (which is still bladdy sore) and pulled up next to her and flirted with her for two kilometers. But I was in TOP FORM people. It got a bit heated and when she told me that she had a boyfriend and pulled off I actually felt like I had committed the biggest sin alive and needed a bath!

THANKS ELEANOR AND TRACY! THANKS ALOT!

Getting down to business. Word of the Day Feaure

So I rose to the challenge and survived a post where I could not: cuss (swear), refer to women in a 'derogatory' manner (not that I was doing that anyway) and post pictures of women in revealing outfits on my blog (a sin which I was admittedly guilty of).

Right now down to business.

I was inspired to write this blog post by three events which happened to me over the past few days.

The first: I was driving through downtown Johannesburg [affectionately known by all as TOWN] the other day [Saturday] (decently I might add obeying all the rules of the road for a change) when a taxi cut me off. I blew my hooter and swore at him and his mother very very badly (all in Arabic)! His response to me was rather disturbing – Taxi Driver: "Bhebha Umlungu! Izingalangala!" I was NOT impressed! At ALL!

What's sad is that I understood every word this hubid shouted at me. Because South Africa is so cosmopolitan you come into contact with other languages so often, it becomes very hard for people to express themselves or talk smack about you without you understanding them.

The second: Is a combination of Snoop Dogs Fatherhood where he features a word of the day where the main man himself basically explains a street word to the masses, and watching Roberto Rodriguez's Machete where you hear a lot of Street Spanish.

And finally The third: While writing this very post a girl who works with me is busy trying to track down a potential new source and she says MENOPAUSE just loud enough so that those around her can hear her. I'm sorry TMI thank you very much.

This brings me to the purpose of my post: Wouldn't it be nice to express yourself in a way that only you and a few select others can understand and the rest of the general populace is none the wiser? Ladies and Gentlemen, Damas y Caballeros, I bring you Shalafian's word of the day.

I already have a dictionary at the bottom but these words are never featured in their own post where they and their application are explained, needless to say we will now be expanding this dictionary once a week!

Today's word: Panocha (pronounced BA-NO-CHIA)

This is Spanish for a person who is scared of things...you know the type of person you would call the other name for a cat!

Example:

Man 1: "No man I aint getting on no plane!"
Man 2: "Panocha!"

Ill even hit you with a double whammy today just because I am so kind.

Today's second word: Cabron (pronounced: CUB-RON)

This is Spanish for a man/woman who is born and no one knows who the father is.

Street talk is great isn't it!

Example:

Gangster: "You are trying my patience here Cabron. Either you talk or we break your toes one-by-one.

Cabron sounds so awesome when Steven Segal says it. Because even when he is PISSED OFF too the stage where he is spitting blood. He still says everything only a few decibels over a whisper and in a tone which suggests that he is in a deep state of calm meditation! All of this with a Poker Face of course!

So straight to Shalafian's dictionary they will go.

HEHEHEHEHEHE (naughty evil laugh): You know what I just realised...what if one acquired a cat and called him/her Panocha. I am SO going to call my cat that should I ever acquire one! And it wont be derogatory...its like naming a Dog:Dog or a Bird:Bird. Actually wait....it is rather inappropriate because proper Espaniol for cat is: Gato....but Ill still call him/her Panocha.

PANOCHA! What a classic!

The Man of Steel vs The Man of Adamantium

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Good Monday people.

Before continuing please hit a pause on the Shaggy Feat Pitbull song on the post: A trip of Nostalgia anyone? Part 1 Shookran!

So I am writing this post after a challenge was issued to me by two regular readers of The Lions Den who also happen to work with me.

Granted these two individuals are ladies and do not know me well enough to appreciate my sense of humor or my personality. After reading my post about the dumb ass Canadian lasses (who were very attractive) Tray and Eleanor both asked me if I can POSSIBLY write a post without using vulgar language (ie: cussing), what they term 'derogatory remarks' about women and posting what they term 'reveling' pictures of women on this blog.

Before accepting the challenge I did mention something about myself being a healthy male and would they like to see me writing posts about Butterflies and Fairies. They looked at me and mentioned that if that took place then they would really be worried about me.

This implies that they currently are worried about me. Although one of them vehemently denied this concern when I mentioned it to her, I was not born yesterday.

All this being said, and accepting the challenge without thinking twice, because I am a male and I have to prove myself in every way shape or form, this is going to be harder then I thought.

I struggled to come up with a topic the whole weekend until last night when I was flipping between X-Men and the South Africa vs Egypt Afcon 2012 Qualifier. And then it hit me. If you could be any superhero in the world. Who would it be?

I dont think there is a human being in the world who does not know about Superman, Batman or Spiderman.

These three are some of my favorite superheros, but if I would like to be them is another story.

Batman, in my opinion, cant really be classified as a superhero, yes he is bad ass and he has the whole Bruce Wayne by day Batman by night persona thing working for him, but he has no super powers. All he has is a crap (bodily function....no swearing) load of money, some freaky china kung-fu training and a technology design department who designs bad as weapons.

No thank you, no super powers – not interested.

Spiderman does at least have some superpowers. He was bitten by a radioactive spider and now has spider sense, the ability to climb walls, and can shoot webs from the undersides of his wrists. Peter Parker by day Spiderman by night. But if you look at his whole superhero persona he isn't the bad ass mudda that you want him to be. He is more cool calm and collected and often times comical in his haranguing of desperado's.

Again no thank you....A bit too gamfoos for me, a six foot one inch male who weighs a little over 120 kg and has been known to get a bit bad ass should the situation call for it.

This leaves The Man of Steel.....Superman. This is a superhero after my own heart. He actually breaks the mold of the traditional superhero because all of the other superheros use a disguise when they are their superhero persona to hide their true civilian identity. Batman wears a mask to hide the fact that he is Bruce Wayne, Spiderman wears a mask to hide the fact that he is Peter Parker. Superman poses as civilian Clark Kent wearing glasses and a trench-coat to hide the fact that he is in fact Superman. He can fly...bonus, he is faster then a speeding bullet...advantageous, and is stronger then steel.

This could be my boy, in the comic books, Superman is a reporter by day, is well over 6 ft and is built like a brick outhouse. Sounds a bit like me.

Then there is Wolverine from the X Men his super powers are equally as bad ass as The Man of Steel. Just after returning from an unnamed war, Wolverine went into a complete soldier research programme where they ran tests on him and injected a metal called Adamantium into his skeleton. Adamantium is a strong fictional metal akin to iron. It has healing qualities so Wolverine cannot die...VERY COOL, he has adamantium claws which come out of his fists when he wills them.... also very cool, and he has a I don't care bad ass attitude where he doesn't take any prisoners.

So its down to The Man of Steel vs The Man of Adamantium. the choice is difficult.

Like Wolverine, Superman cannot die unless his enemies get hold of kryptonite. He can shoot stuff out his eyes that can cut through stuff and blow stuff up. And like I said earlier he is the strongest superhero ever written about. He also has a bit of a better temperament then Wolverine in that he isn't hell bent on violence unless it is a means to achieve an end.

So at the end of the day it is Superman. I even have a blue t shirt with the Superman logo on it which the female population says I look pretty good in. (You didnt think I would go through a whole post without mentioning the female race did you. But it wasn't derogatory!)

Before I end off, I did have a debate about this with one of my best friends...Stalker...over the weekend. To put this conversation into context we were killing a second Bottle of Jack Daniels and had about five hubbly's before this conversation took place, so we were a bit high and almost toasted. He mentioned that I should consider The Incredible Hulk .

Um....No Stalker!

Bruce Banner was also one of these troubled war hero's who got exposed to Gamma Rays which turns him into The Hulk when he is pissed off. This however blinds him from reason and he just wants to go like Nasra and destroy everything. Besides...when I was small (like 5 or 6 years old) my older cousin had a Hulk Suit (mask, green hands and everything) and used to scare the hell out of me with it. Since then I dont like no Hulk. Besides, he breaks his clothes whenever he turns from Bruce Banner into the Hulk, so every weekend Mrs Hulk needs to by him new clothes. Imagine his credit card bill!

Bladdy Dumb Mounties!

Otherwise titled: Why Canada? WHY!

You know the world has such a warped sense of South Africa and South African culture that at times you just stand back and ask yourself: what world do these people come from?

Continuing with my regular feature of dumb nations (in which I have profiled the USA and the UK)...Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to introduce to you: CANADA!

Unlike the other two stories, this one actually happened to me. PERSONALLY! And writing my post this morning about the things which piss me off actually jogged my memory.

It was mid October 2010 and I was on my way back from a game drive between Skukuza and the Orpen Dam in the southern portion of the Kruger National Park. I was camping instead of staying in the Bungelows, so as one would do when camping you don't break up your camp if you are retuning to that spot for the duration of your holiday. I locked up my tent and whent on the drive...which took me the better part of a day.

When I left I was the only tent in a specific section of the camping portion of the rest camp. Upon my return my tent was surrounded by 25 other tents.

I got a bit of the stone needle because some of these tents were right up against mine. And as stated in my previous post, the objective of my holiday was no contact with humans. So visibly irritated, a tall...lanky man comes towards me and opens his mouth with this broad Canadian accent.

He actually said I was lucky that they couldn't move my tent into the middle of the area because they were tempted to pitch their tents in a laager formation around it with their doors facing towards my tent. I then retorted saying that if that was done they wouldnt have to drive through the Kruger to see a lion in action.

I also mentioned that this was a bad idea because I would not walk through downtown Calgary screaming F CANADA at the top of my voice!

Anyway, night came and by that time I calmed down alot. I made my dinner and was sitting down to a hubbly when a rather cute Canadian Mountie Lass asked if she and her friends could join me. I am a sucker for beautiful blondes so I relented to her request. We got talking and she fired questions about the Kruger park at me.

Cute blonde: Are the tigers going to make a noise tonight?

FML HERE WE GO!

ME: Wrong continent for that. We are nowhere near India, China or Indonesia.

Cute Blonde: What is likely to make noises tonight?

At last a reasonible question!

Me: Lions, Baboons, Hyena's or Leopards.
Cute Blonde: Ok so like I know about Lions and Leopards ey...but are BAB..OONS and Hyena's dangerous?
Me: Yes they are.

Not like these rocket scientists did ANY RESEARCH. Besides ANY wild animal can be dangerous!

Cute Blonde's equally cute brunette friend: Can we defend ourselvs with this? [and she pulls out a lock knife with a blade 10 cm long]

I couldn't contain myself and chuckled a bit.

Cute Blonde's equally cute brunette friend: [laughing at herself] So that's a no then! what can we defend ourselves with?

I now go to my tent to retrieve my machete.

Cute Blonde's equally cute Jet Black haired friend: Is that a machete?

I MEAN REALLY! NO! ITS A F ING POCKET KNIFE!

They shared a hubbly with me and they turned in. Now bear in mind the walls of tents are not the thickest things in the world and you can hear every conversation from one tent to another. After they turned in I sat up just zoning out looking at the stars getting drunk on bootlegged malt liquer when all of a sudden....

BARK! [BUT THE LOUDEST BARK YOU WILL EVER HEAR! ROTTWEILERS DON'T HAVE SHIT ON THIS!]....followed by....A SERIES OF HIGH PITCHED ERIE LAUGHS.

The Baboons and Hyena's came out to play and were just at the perimeter fence about 20 meters from our camp.

I waited for it...It didnt take long!


Cute Blonde's equally cute Jet Black haired friend: OH MY GOD VICTORIA ITS GOING TO KILL US! ITS GOING TO KILL US! I.T I.S G.O.I.N.G T.O K.I.L.L U.S!
Cute Blonde:Shut up Angela you'll wake the others
Cute Blonde's equally cute brunette friend: GO TO THE SOUTH AFRICAN'S TENT... WAKE HIM UP... AND GET THAT MACHETE!

At this point they woke up the Canadian man who harangued me earlier.

Canadian man who harangued me earlier: Shut up you stupid bitches! There is a perimeter fence between us and the animals.

Then out the corner of my eye, I saw the three ladies creeping into my camp asking if they could sit by me.

So I did what any good host does. I lit another hub and passed around the malt liquer!

WELCOME TO AFRICA!

In need of a holiday

Marhaba.

An old friend of mine from my school days got hold of me last night and suggested that we meet up for a drink to catch up on the time where we haven't had contact.

You would think that this would be great seeing that the last time we spoke was when we were both at school 11 years ago. Because of this one would assume that we would have loads to talk about.

But something in the back of my mind set alarm bells off and I had distinct memories of an intense dislike for this person. So I did what i always do when I need to focus my mind: I had a hubbly.

And it came to me, it was like an epiphany, the reason I disliked this person was the fact that EVERY conversation you have with him turns into an argument. And I mean each and every conversation. You support one sports team, he'll argue that another is better. You tell him that you like the look of the new Audi A1 (which is almost as beautiful as a scantly clad blonde super model with a nice bottom and a good asset portfolio) and he will argue that the new BMW is a better car.

You get my point.

Although I like to portray myself as the Lion of Lebanon, I am only so when my blood is up. Other then that I am a pretty mellow and laid back person. As a friend I am actually very low maintenance as nothing really gets to me.

This comes after I got irritated by some Gamfoos Cape Town bergie who has nothing better to do with her life then announce to the world that she has a massive chip on her shoulder.

I hate people who think the sun shines out of their ass! Which is why I am keeping on the DL with a certain friend of mine because he has really let his love for himself get to his head.

Anyway so I copied and pasted my blog post about FIFA from the Lions Den to my Sports Blog: From Cuba with Love where I take on the role of the islands lovable dictator Fidel Castro.

So I get a comment from the Gamfoos in Cape Town obviously getting all Diva on me and throwing a small tantrum in her Gamfoos study at her Gamfoos house.



I mean really! My reply to her says it all. Along with a chip on her shoulder she then tries to twist my words to make as if I am this person who can do nothing but bitch and moan about South Africa. People...I love my country, yes I do complain, but at the end of the day this is the best country in the world to live in.

She then confirmed my thoughts about her attitude in her reply back to my reply!



AGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH! FML! FML! FML! FML! This is happening to me again! WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME AGAIN

Last year round about this time, I got so irritated with life that I just couldn't take the shit around me anymore. So i booked myself a holiday in the Kruger Park, by myself, no TV, no RADIO, no CELL PHONE.....F ALL besides me, nature, and a few bottles of peach flavored Mampoer! (South African bootlegged brandy).

I know myself, I am like a pressure cooker who bottles aggravation up until someone or something pushes me over the edge...And then I loose it big time! The only way to resolve this is to take a break and chillout!

Count down to Zambia: 11 days.

I am going for business, but I will also hopefully be afforded the time to do this at a little bit more of a relaxed pace.

An addition to a post which i did a while ago labeled: African Travel Essentials is MALARIA TABLETS!

Fortunately I have found an alternative to Mefliam ladies and gentlemen I introduce you to Doxitab.

This is a wonderful tablet which does not make you drowsy or sick when you drink alcohol while on the medication. In fact, while many other medications dont allow you to drink during dosage, Doxitab does. This is an essential in Africa because Africans are pisscats and like to turn these Idaba's and office openings into a huge party!

Besides, Mefliam made me hallucinate terribly. No jokes! Terrible dreams with Pink Elephants, being abducted by Maori Insurgents who torture me by threatening to eat me alive! (Not that Maori's do that anyway)