Wednesday, December 28, 2011

Negating Boxing Day in South Africa

Salamu.

What happens when people take Boxing Day seriously?

I know I am writing this post rather belatedly, but I thought there would be far more entertainment at the cricket then a bunch of Old English bred Posh Twat jouno's who think that they are Gods Gift to the World. Anyway towards the close of an absorbing first day of the Boxing Day test in Durban, between South Africa and Sri Lanka, a MASSIVE scrap broke out on the grass embankment to the left of the press box.

These boys were going hell to leather at each other and the women were getting stuck in as well with a few well aimed high heels to the face. The phlange, of the law enforcement variety, eventually separated the fighters just as my mate who does plays the stadium music was starting to play the Lebanese National Anthem "Eye of the Tiger."

Soon thereafter one of the posh twat journalists who rash my balls says: "That to me is utterly disgusting! How dare they! There are never fights at Kingsmead!"

Really? Because every sporting event I have attended which involves alcohol results in fights! The Thundercats and Thunderkittens cant resist!

I have been going to top flight rugby every season since I was 16. And every time I was at Ellis Park there was a fight. And not small ones..... MASSIVE ones.

I bring up this subject because I am fast approaching 30 and am debating whether I want to have a celebration or let the event pass me by like a thief in the night.

The problem would be that there would probably be a scrap, and although I am always up for one, I would prefer to avoid it.

Either way I would love some gifts. And because it is a landmark birthday Im sure that I would not be out of line asking for more then 1 gift per individual. Below are some pics of presents of the clothing variety that I would like. All are available on the PunkCricket website. Ill supply postage details if requested. Shookrhan in advance.






Wednesday, December 21, 2011

A night on the tiles with Porgie

Salamu.

Hitting Fifa 12 on the PlayStation last night reminded me why I love football.

You all must think I am crazy and will be tempted to ask me if I realize that there are Billions of people in the world who share my passion. Yes i am aware of this, But I can count the number of South Africans who were brought up in Afrikaans homes and love football on one hand. It is a unique thing.

We digress. I just got the game and am playing practice matches before I take on a league season. My teams of choice were my two favorite English teams. The Red Devils and Chelsea.

Watching Wayne Rooney and Didier Drogba are one of the very few joys in life that one needs to experience at least once.  Some people can stare at a Picasso or a Salvador Dali and think that they are masters of their time. For me its watching Rooney and Drogba when they are really in the mood to play football.

This got me thinking who is better between Rooney and  Drogba? They are both amazing and if they were to play in the same team, would make an awesome strike force!

But who is better? Its like the Maradona and Pele debate, except that its involving players who play in the same era.

I once found myself in the middle of one such debate in Dubai. I nearly got killed that night.

It was time for our weekly night-on-the-tiles. There were five members of the Geordie Element (my group of Geordie mates) and I who used to frequent Double Decker. This time four of the Geordie Element phoned to cancel because they had a night of debauchery involving bedroom athletics with their new girls planned. They begged me to still go and to look after Porgie.

Now Porgie was a different breed mind. His real name was Georgie McKillan, but we called him Porgie for obvious reasons (think nursery rhymes). Porgie also had a newish girlfriend, but he would never pass a night on the tiles for a bird. "Fook her mate! We getten involved tonight! Find you a good Geordie bird!" would always be his reply.

So I picked up Porgie and had to listen to him curse the rest of the Geordie Element all the way to the Decker. We walked in and met up with some mates from London who just loved to wind Porgie up. I was a bit concerned because in the past we had the rest of the Element with us to back Porgie up and calm things down. That night it was just the two of us against them.

And the London lads knew which buttons to press. The debate that night was who was better between two of Newcastle's best footballers: Paul Gascoigne and Alan Shearer.

Now Alan Shearer was Porgies hero,  the only thing he couldn't do in Porgies eyes was walk on water. So the lads pressed him and pressed him and pressed him, until eventually Porgie banged his pint glass on the bar counter so hard that the glass cracked. He got up, looked the London lads in the eye and said: "Do you fooking know what Alan Shearer's left ball sack said to Gazza?" Obviously the London lads didn't know so they asked him: "What did it say?" To which Porgie replied: "It started singing MC Hammers 'Cant Touch This' and if any of you posh twats have anything else to say on the matter Ill smash this here glass on yer posh twat heads!"

Fortunately the London lads locked onto some Essex girls, because Porgies fit sister walked into the bar and she was always well up for a scrap. The three of us would have caused carnage, because of the Lebanese blood that runs in my veins...I am always up for a scrap myself when I am on the Karate Juice.

I always remember that night when Newcastle plays football or when I am watching my DVD set on the best footballers of all time.

I am not the biggest fan of Brazillian football. but you will have to go a long way to top the likes of Garrincha and Zico.

What you got to say ye Fooking Posh Twats!

Tuesday, December 13, 2011

Holiday madness

Salamu.

When I moved down to the land of the mighty Zulu people, I left a lot of my friends up in Joberg. And although the move has taken a lot of adjusting to, it has ultimately been good for me.

That is not to say that I do not miss my JHB friends, and when they are down in KZN I jump at the opportunity to visit them.

A friend, who is like a brother to me, is down at the moment and I went and visited his place in Balito. It is a small three bedroom flat that overlooks the sea. In fact one merely has to walk down two flights of stairs and 20 meters and one is on the beach.

I spent many New Years eves at that flat where we would fit 100 people on a blacony which is 10 meters long by five meters wide. We would drink enough alcohol to sink a pirate ship and we would curse like sailors.

The last New Years I spent there was two years ago. We as stated above, there were 100 people on a small balcony and a friend of mine and myself were busy drinking our way out of a bottle of Johnny Walker Black Label when the party's Thundercats went down to light fireworks. They were HEAVILY intoxicated and we did the sensible thing of staying behind to watch the show.

As the display progressed the fireworks were aiming in all directions. One blew up barely two meters above a breaking wave and another was not aimed up up at all and blew a 1 meter ditch into the ground. The most memorable moment came when Daniel lit a firework and it shot out and was aiming for his cousin, Martin's, head. It was a big firework and Martin hit the deck like he had been shot. Instead of swearing at Daniel, Martin jumped up, screamed: That was f##king well...lets do it again! Only to find out that there was no more fireworks to be shot.

Myself, Daniel and our friend Grant stayed up to watch the sunrise. At about 3 am the family from the flat downstairs came home. The Thundercats and Thunderkittens obviously forgot their keys at home and had to phone their mom to open. She was obviously also on the jaul because this is how the phone conversation went:

Daughter: Mom! where the f##k are you? we forgot our keys at home!
The mother replies, but because she is on the other end of the phone we cant hear the reply.
Daughter: Please f##king hurry up I need to piss.
10 minutes later she calls her mother again.
Daughter: F##k you mother its been 10 minutes.
The mother replies, but because she is on the other end of the phone we cant hear the reply.
Daughter: Where are you?
The mother replies, but because she is on the other end of the phone we cant hear the reply.
Daughter: You are such a f##king whore! please come home to your children!

The mother got home half an hour later. the daughter ended up going to the bathroom in the bushes and they carried on drinking when the mother got home. The mother was obviously in a great mood because soon after she arrived, she was getting a good seeing to by her boyfriend because her lusty moans could be heard by us upstairs.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Awkward first dates!

Salamu.

I was scouring the news sites this morning for a story with a good yarn, because as you know, as a writer I am always in the mood for a good story.

I came across a story on the IOL website about horrible first dates.

There is nothing as awkward as a horrible first date. And boy I have my fair share of stories to tell.

My first one was when I was still in High School. I got on really well with a girl a year below me and things were starting to progress to the stage where we were developing feeling for each other. so I asked her out on a date, despite the fact that her mom was a teacher at the school.

I met up with her at the shopping center where we were to have coffee and her mom dropped her off. Which is usual. But before we could go and settle down to coffee, her mom wanted to have a word with me first. So at the car she opened her window...and I could tell it would be a bit embarrassing because my date fled a fair distance away from the car. So the mom rolled down her window and said: "Faurie...no funny business with my daughter, you still have to survive Grade 12!"

My date was highly embarrassed and I was a bit shaken as this 'discussion' compounded my already ever present nerves.

I cant say that the date went badly. The girl was charming, delightful and well presented. We did behave ourselves, but I got continuously harassed by all of the teachers at school for the next seven months.

My next awkward first date was when I was staying in Dubai. There was this lovely Lebanese girl who used to pop in and out of the radio station where I worked. We would always smile at each other, but I was scared to be forward and ask her out for fear that she was Muslim. Me being a staunch catholic this would have been EXTREMELY AWKWARD. I don't have a problem with Muslim people and I have a lot of Muslim friends, but I just choose not to date a Muslim girls.

A friend of mine at the radio station was DJing at a top hotel in New Dubai and he gave us all an invite. When I arrive, I was pleased to see that my friend was also friends with the Lebenese girl. So we got chatting and were very interested in each other.

After the evening she sent me a text message saying that we should meet up for drinks on the weekend. I arrived at the bar, The Barasti Bar, and the girl greeted me with the customary hug and kissing of the cheeks. She then leads me to our table where there are a whole lot of other people. What she didn't tell me was that we would be having drinks with some of her former class mates from the University of Nottingham. Nothing will make you feel as awkward as sitting at a table full of intellectuals where you think: "F##k me I'm stupid." Even if you have a degree to your name.

This final first date takes the cake.

I went on this date after recovering from the break up with my ex. Me and the ex had been broken up for almost a year and it was now time to explore my options. I met this girl at our church and we had been flirting for a long time. So I ask her out to dinner and she agrees.

I was the happiest person in the world. That was until the day of the date where she asked if her best friend could come with. I am really keen to see this girl so I reluctantly agreed to the friend coming with.

Worst call I have ever made! The whole evening this friend wanted to dominate every conversation and seemed to steer every one of those conversations to sex! I eventually sent an SOS out to one of my friends saying that I am in need of his services. To his credit he arrived and the friends eyes lit up like the Eiffel Tower. She was clearly into him and was keen on her chances for a shag.

So we left the restaurant and agreed to go back to my friend's house for a hubbly. Myself and my date went in my car and her friend and my friend went in his. He has a Chevrolet Lumina SS so he drove like the bats of hell were after him. I must have got 10 phone calls during my drive there asking where I was.

We got there and we had our hubbly, my dates friend was all over my friend. They did nothing more then kiss and when we went home I gave her my friends number just to shut the bitch up. I never have, and probably never will, be sworn at as much as I was the day after that date. My friend cursed me the whole day calling me every name under the sun and phoning me just to say "F##K YOU".

The article on IOL is a good read, in fact, my awkward first dates seem tame compared to these. I have posted some of my favorites from that article below. They all come from England....which says a lot!

@rhodri Went on a date with a man who kept an overly large coat on. Reason became clear when he stole my handbag while I was in the loo.

thisismadeup

@rhodri I dated a proto-goth who spent the entire meal asking me to describe dead people and how peaceful they looked (I was a cop then).

elle_c_emm

@rhodri Guy’s opening line was: “How many cats do you have?” Me: “Eh… two.” Him: “Knew it.” Then told me about time he ran one over.

Bohemiangirl

@rhodri One gentleman took me to the pub car park to show me his motorbike. He revved it for about ten minutes then did a lap and drove off.

squirill

@rhodri Friend got so drunk she fell asleep on the loo for 20 minutes then couldn’t find table again. Date had to stand and wave across restaurant.

The Independent


Tuesday, December 6, 2011

Word of the Day

Salamu.

This has become my favorite piece to do. This is because I see myself as an educator, an imparter of knowledge onto the masses.

That and the fact that I love being down with the word on the street!

The first word of the day is Spook it is a derogatory word used towards black people mostly by redneck's who live in trailers...eat mayonnaise sandwiches...and DALA their sisters.

Example...Dem spooks like to play bones and shoot dice.. In proper English, as promoted by William Shakespeare, this means that The black people like to play dominoes and play dice.

As a matter of interest...the word nigger, if said by a white man, in America is taboo because of their whole campaign towards human rights and shit, but a black man can greet another black man with: Whats up my nigger! This is because there is no way that white people don't use the word nigger behind closed doors. Like when they are watching the news...a wife wont say: Honey look at this stupid negro! However, she is more likely to say: Look at that ignorant ass nigger right there.

It must just be known that I don't participate in or condone abusive language with racial slurs.

To South Africa where we come across the word: Dala. It was developed by Durban Indian people who also have their own language which resembles English. Dala is to fornicate. Exmaple: I will Dala that chick until she cant walk cuzzie! or in the line of a South African club song: I came to the show to Dala...so dont fuck me like a gwala!.

To England we go where we have already pointed out there exists a whole other language which resembles English, but isn't. Word: Bellend. This is quite literally the tip of a mans penis. I wont go into a proper description of this here please visit this link to urban dictionary for proper description.

So its calling someone a dickhead without them knowing. Example: Does taking da x makes you like house musik and makes youz dance like a bellend? (God Bless Ali G!) or Saddam Hussein is a Bellend! (as seen on 'Da Ali G Show').

Here is one of my favorite pieces:



Finally to Australia where a popular word is sook. Which is to sulk. Example: sam had a sook when claire wouldn't sleep with him.. this is used extensively by my other mate Chopper Reid when describing his acts of regular violence enacted on Neville Bartos.

I am discovering new words all the time so keep an eye out people!