Engineering change is never an easy thing

Salamu

How often do we take life for granted?

Have you ever sat down and asked that question? It’s human nature to get so engrossed with the problems that you are facing that you tend to forget how blessed you are despite the challenges.

I was…and still am at times like that. I am by no means claiming to be innocent in this matter. So I don’t judge or even get frustrated with people when they tell me that their problems are so insurmountable.

I merely point out a few things.

-   90% of the bullshit you worry about in life never happens.

-   No problem is insurmountable or unresolvable if you are willing to REALISTICALLY look at the situation UNEMOTIONALLY.

-    There is ALWAYS someone that is in a tougher situation than you.

I tend to be the person that people come to with problems. I don’t know why because I am currently on my second girlfriend ever, I’m only 31 and I am by no means a master in my faith.  Anyway….we digress. People tend to come to me with their problems because:

-      I am a good listener

-      I am able to look at a situation in a pretty practical way when it doesn’t involve me.

But how often do we forget about the challenges that other people face in life?

A friend of mine gets in touch with me and tells me that he is having trouble with his girlfriend because they see too much of each other and it is “busting his balls”. Really?????? I only get to see my girl once every few months. I’d actually kill to have your problem buddy.  

We always complain that we don’t have enough money and we wish we could win the lottery. Yet we go home every night to a warm bed, a roof over our head and decent food. Every morning I go to work I see homeless people sleeping in the shelter of a balcony overhang outside of the local TAB office. I’m sorry…I’m starting to come to terms with the fact that I’ll never win the lottery in my life time because God (or any higher power that other religions believe in) equipped us with enough graces, we shouldn’t worry about winning UNNESSESARY money.

But change is one of the hardest things in the world to achieve. We get so used to our own ways and living life in a comfort zone that change is one of the hardest things in the world to achieve. Ask me…I have had to engineer significant changes recently.

How does one change? Well, first there needs to be a reason for change. Second you need to look at who needs to change. Most of the time it is you. Mahatma Gandhi hit the nail on the head when he said that we need to be the change that we seek in the world. A lot of people made fun of Michael Jackson and called him all kinds of names…but was he not striking the right chord when he said: I'm starting with the man in the mirror. I'm asking him to change his ways. And no message could have been any clearer. If you wanna make the world a better place, take a look at yourself, and then make a change.

I don’t usually give anything up for lent because I end up breaking it the same day. I have very little self restraint. But I always try to make an effort to be nicer to people. A kind word, a helpful gesture, money to an outie, food to an outie or distraught animal. But my logic is flawed…what’s stopping me from doing this all year round? Did Jesus only do good for the people during certain periods? No! Did Gandhi? No! Did Mother Teresa? No! These people devoted their whole life to doing good. Mother Teresa helped a lot of people, but compared to the volume of destitute people in India, we have to come to terms with the fact that her work was a drop in the ocean. But it was a necessary drop because she felt that by preventing one death…she was doing good to society. Changing it.

There are a lot of doomsday prophets that will tell you that you will never be able to change the world. And they are right. But we have to try. If we can make society look at itself differently, then we have achieved a goal.

I am by no means a bitter man, I give a lot. But this is emotionally and of my time. At heart, I am a firm believer in the saying that charity begins at home.  Perhaps I need to change this. Be the change that I seek in the world.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

How often do we just walk past beggars in the street?

Challenges of Long Distance

Salamu

Public Disclaimer: This E Mail contains a lot of information that people may feel the need to use in their own relationship. I am not an expert on relationships. I am not a marriage/relationship councilor. Every relationship is different because dynamics are different. These are merely my opinions on a matter.

Challenges in life make us human. We all have our crosses to bear. God gives his greatest challenges to his strongest warriors.

To feel pain while overcoming a challenge leaves a person with an irrevocable sense of achievement which is the closest that a human being can come to feeling an eternal bliss. The eternal sunshine of the spotless mind.

I have never been a fan of having too many challenges in my life. Just like Muhammad Ali took a stance and defied the draft to Vietnam I have taken a stance and have not welcomed to much drama or to many challenges into my life.

But like everything in life. For every action, there is an equal and opposite reaction and it is often the reaction that turns out to be so severe that it shakes the world as you know it to its foundations.

I am being very deep here and one would be excused to think that I am dealing with a significant family crisis or a death of a loved one. It is not this. The challenge I am dealing with at the moment is very different, yet at times leaves you with the same uncertainty. It’s having with a long distance relationship.

One of the biggest challenges with a long distance relationship is  not being able to spend time with your significant other on a regular basis. Because of this, you cant create memories. There are VERY few walks along the beach or in the park, VERY few picnics or dinners, VERY few moments of tenderness when you just sit enjoying a movie or series holding each other…not saying a word…just enjoying others company.

This leads to problems in that for the initial period of the relationship you have a lot to say to each other because you are still discovering things about each other. But what happens when that is over? I used to speak to my girlfriend every day on the phone. Now we call each other every other day because we ended up repeating what we were saying to each other.

I used to freak out because I thought we had run out things to say to each other. Which in a way, we did. But we ran out of things to say to each other because of the lack of memories and not the fact that we didn’t love each other.

Another challenge a long distance relationship presents is that you have to be your own pillar of strength a lot of the time. When you miss someone that’s far away, there is only so much that the other person can say when you say you miss them.

Again this is can become a problem. I have overcome challenges in my life that would have broken many people. I wont go through them now because I am a private person when it comes to these things. I am lucky in the sense that I have overcame these challenges without too much emotional scaring. But at times with a long distance relationship, I admittedly am an emotional wreck. There are times when the storm rages around me so severely that I don’t know where to turn to find safety or strength.

There are many challenges that are associated with a long distance relationship and there will be more posts about this topic. So these are by no means the be all and end all of the challenges.

You need to find coping mechanisms. Something that will help you cope. If you can’t do this. You have a long road of pain ahead of you.

Besides the obvious option of seeing each other as often as possible you need to become creative.

My girlfriend and I have started watching TV programmes together and discussing them. This is a perfect mechanism as it’s like we are sitting next to each other talking about the programme and it’s a way to break the irritation of the monotonous conversation.

Another coping mechanism I have is telling my girlfriend that I love her as often as I can. This is becoming a contentious mechanism as she is a person that does not like to over use the phrase.

It sparked a conversation about how many times it’s acceptable to tell your significant other that you love them. I found a blog where the general consensus is that twice a day is about acceptable.

Love is shown in action. Do things to show your love for a person. And I fully agree with these sentiments. However, while we are doing the long distance thing and I can’t give my girlfriend flowers often and I can’t hold her tight while watching a movie/series…the phrase is that reminder of my feelings for her.

However, every relationship is different because dynamics are different. Dynamics are different because people are different. My girlfriend doesn’t like to overuse the phrase. That doesn’t mean that there is anything wrong with our relationship or that she is a difficult person.

I need to adjust my approach because I don’t want to rub my girlfriend up the wrong way. So we are trying an experiment. We are going to try and not say: I Love You for two days.

In a way I can see her point. If you are secure in your relationship and you know that the other person loves you…why feel the need to say it? However, it is un-natural to go days on end without saying it and couples MAY run the risk of becoming complacent and from past experience, complacency is a relationship KILLER. (I say MAY in caps because although I feel that the risk for complacency does exist, there are no guarantees that it will be the case.)

Many people will ask about the trust issue. How can you trust that your girlfriend or boyfriend is not cheating on you while they are so far away? I must say that this has never been an issue in our relationship and never will be. I trust my girlfriend completely and she trusts me completely. This is because from early on in the relationship we decided to play open cards with each other in every situation. If she is going out with her friends she tells me. Not because I want to check up on her, but because we don’t want a completely innocent get together to be misconstrued as a date with a guy. The same applies with me, when there rare occasion comes about that I do go out with my mates I tell her about it.

There are many many more aspects about a long distance relationship that I can talk about. And this may well be the first of many posts. My posts have never had many comments in the past and I am hoping that this one will. I would like to hear your feedback so please comment below.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!