Bladdy Dumb Mounties!

Otherwise titled: Why Canada? WHY!

You know the world has such a warped sense of South Africa and South African culture that at times you just stand back and ask yourself: what world do these people come from?

Continuing with my regular feature of dumb nations (in which I have profiled the USA and the UK)...Ladies and Gentlemen allow me to introduce to you: CANADA!

Unlike the other two stories, this one actually happened to me. PERSONALLY! And writing my post this morning about the things which piss me off actually jogged my memory.

It was mid October 2010 and I was on my way back from a game drive between Skukuza and the Orpen Dam in the southern portion of the Kruger National Park. I was camping instead of staying in the Bungelows, so as one would do when camping you don't break up your camp if you are retuning to that spot for the duration of your holiday. I locked up my tent and whent on the drive...which took me the better part of a day.

When I left I was the only tent in a specific section of the camping portion of the rest camp. Upon my return my tent was surrounded by 25 other tents.

I got a bit of the stone needle because some of these tents were right up against mine. And as stated in my previous post, the objective of my holiday was no contact with humans. So visibly irritated, a tall...lanky man comes towards me and opens his mouth with this broad Canadian accent.

He actually said I was lucky that they couldn't move my tent into the middle of the area because they were tempted to pitch their tents in a laager formation around it with their doors facing towards my tent. I then retorted saying that if that was done they wouldnt have to drive through the Kruger to see a lion in action.

I also mentioned that this was a bad idea because I would not walk through downtown Calgary screaming F CANADA at the top of my voice!

Anyway, night came and by that time I calmed down alot. I made my dinner and was sitting down to a hubbly when a rather cute Canadian Mountie Lass asked if she and her friends could join me. I am a sucker for beautiful blondes so I relented to her request. We got talking and she fired questions about the Kruger park at me.

Cute blonde: Are the tigers going to make a noise tonight?

FML HERE WE GO!

ME: Wrong continent for that. We are nowhere near India, China or Indonesia.

Cute Blonde: What is likely to make noises tonight?

At last a reasonible question!

Me: Lions, Baboons, Hyena's or Leopards.
Cute Blonde: Ok so like I know about Lions and Leopards ey...but are BAB..OONS and Hyena's dangerous?
Me: Yes they are.

Not like these rocket scientists did ANY RESEARCH. Besides ANY wild animal can be dangerous!

Cute Blonde's equally cute brunette friend: Can we defend ourselvs with this? [and she pulls out a lock knife with a blade 10 cm long]

I couldn't contain myself and chuckled a bit.

Cute Blonde's equally cute brunette friend: [laughing at herself] So that's a no then! what can we defend ourselves with?

I now go to my tent to retrieve my machete.

Cute Blonde's equally cute Jet Black haired friend: Is that a machete?

I MEAN REALLY! NO! ITS A F ING POCKET KNIFE!

They shared a hubbly with me and they turned in. Now bear in mind the walls of tents are not the thickest things in the world and you can hear every conversation from one tent to another. After they turned in I sat up just zoning out looking at the stars getting drunk on bootlegged malt liquer when all of a sudden....

BARK! [BUT THE LOUDEST BARK YOU WILL EVER HEAR! ROTTWEILERS DON'T HAVE SHIT ON THIS!]....followed by....A SERIES OF HIGH PITCHED ERIE LAUGHS.

The Baboons and Hyena's came out to play and were just at the perimeter fence about 20 meters from our camp.

I waited for it...It didnt take long!


Cute Blonde's equally cute Jet Black haired friend: OH MY GOD VICTORIA ITS GOING TO KILL US! ITS GOING TO KILL US! I.T I.S G.O.I.N.G T.O K.I.L.L U.S!
Cute Blonde:Shut up Angela you'll wake the others
Cute Blonde's equally cute brunette friend: GO TO THE SOUTH AFRICAN'S TENT... WAKE HIM UP... AND GET THAT MACHETE!

At this point they woke up the Canadian man who harangued me earlier.

Canadian man who harangued me earlier: Shut up you stupid bitches! There is a perimeter fence between us and the animals.

Then out the corner of my eye, I saw the three ladies creeping into my camp asking if they could sit by me.

So I did what any good host does. I lit another hub and passed around the malt liquer!

WELCOME TO AFRICA!