Salamu
Just because I wished everyone well for the Holidays, it doesn’t
mean that it is my last post for the year. At the end of the day…I am still in
the office or the next few hours and need something to do.
The topics today are old classics. Christmas Carols (yes
Christmas Carols) and pick up lines, but I question if they really work.
Before everyone accuses me of being the Grinch and Ebenezer
Scrooge, let me just state for the record that I actually quite like Christmas
time. Not only are we on holiday from work, but it is a time when everyone is
generally nicer to each other and we can have a good old laugh about things. It
is also a two week period where telemarketers (a PET HATE of mine) leave you
the hell alone. It is also a time where you spend time at church reflecting on
the miraculous birth of a baby who would give his life for mankind. You also
get to spend a few days being drunk with family and a few days being drunk and
hurling abuse at cricket players. This year it is the turn of the Indians, and
I am not working! Ishant Sharma is going to curse the day they put him at fine
leg or deep third man at Kingsmead this year! I WILL POST PICS IN JAN!
But let’s get into it. And let the hating on me start…But I
cannot stand Christmas Carols! I don’t know what it is about them, I just do
not like them. But it is not your traditional Silent Nights or O Come all Ye
Faithful….it’s the bladdy I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause and Do They Know Its
Christmas Afterall. There is just something about them that pisses me right
off.
I suppose you just can only take so much of hearing people
sing about shit. Highveld Stereo (the local radio
There are some great Christmas Tunes though. Boney M is
always good and so it Dean Martin. The thing with Dean Martin is that he was to
pissed all the time to try and get fancy with his singing. He just sang as he
was supposed to. And while we are on the topic of drunks, probably the best
Christmas tune is by an Irish band called The Pogoues and it is called The
Fairytale of New York. The song is about this drunk Irishman who is locked up
in The Drink Tank and reminiscing
about a girl who he is in love with.
And what’s an Irish ditty without the lead singer sounding
dead molar and the featured female artist insulting him. I cut and paste the third
verse for you below.
You´re a bum you´re a punk
You´re an old slut on junk
Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed
You scumbag you maggot
You cheap lousy faggot
Happy Christmas your arse I pray god it´s our last.
This is exactly why I love the Irish, they just don’t give a
shit! They will say exactly what they want when they want to. They also never
take life to seriously either. Here is the song:
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Moving right along…I ask the question: Do pickup lines
really work? I have dealt with this last year, and it was a bit of a balls up
because it was just dealing with the heaviness of pickup lines. This time I am
dealing with the question of if they work.
Well obviously if you are going to walk up to a girl and
say: Do you have a bit of Lebenese in
you? Well do you want some? You are either going to be laughed at, have a
drink thrown at you, or kicked in the balls. Those are your options. There are
just some pickup lines that will never work…EVER! Don’t try them.
However there are some that do work. One of my favourites
is: Do you have a twin sister? When she
says no, than you say: well then you are
the most beautiful girl in the world. If she does have a twin sister…then
you are unfortunately fucked. Another one is: You know, seeing your beautiful eyes is the second most perfect thing
about this evening. When she asks what’s the first you say: seeing you smile. Trust me…it’s a winner.
There are also certain occasions where you use pickup lines
and certain occasions where you don’t. - Don’t use it at a bar or club. She is
probably with her girlfriends, and when a group of girls are out together they switch
to super bitch mode. Also, you are probably drunk or she will accuse you of
being drunk. And having an argument about your level of sobriety is not a way
to start a relationship.
Don’t use it at church. It is not the time or place for
this.
Do use it after establishing a basic friendship with the
girl. You have then asked her out to dinner or coffee. This is the time to use
it. You see, there is no hard and fast rule that a pickup line must be used at
the first meeting. Because technically, you haven’t picked the girl up before
or during the coffee or dinner date. Use the pickup line more as a deal
clincher.
Some girls will be very receptive to pickup lines and some
will laugh at you, throw their drink on you, and then kick you in the balls. You
just have to accept the fact that this is going to happen and you don’t know
what you are going to get. It’s sort of like when Diego Sanchez walk into the
Octagon, you just don’t know what type of a fight you are going to get.
Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!
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