Mujahideen and Divine Retribution

I really am not in a good space at the moment. Let me state that from the outset. I apologise if people have expectations about what these posts should be like, cause this will very possibly be way below my usually high standards.

According to Wikipedia, which granted is not the best source of information in the world, the word Mujahideen can be described as a group of people who are involved in a personal struggle. The singular version is a Mujahid, which in South Africa he would be called a struggalista, but owing to my roots, well go with Mujahid.

I am a part of a Mujahideen. So much so that I am asking people to forget about calling me the Lion of Lebanon and start calling me a Mujahid instead.

You spend your whole life interested in a sporting team, you invest copious amounts of emotion in a team who you really become emotionally attached to. To be frank I don’t give a toss about soccer, my team in the Sharks. Besides my girlfriend The Sharks mean the world to me. I have been supporting them since 1988 and wait in eager anticipation for them to succeed.

And here we are the end of another Super rugby season where my boys have made COMPLETE TITS of themselves! Being top of the log the whole season to throw the tournament away in the last few weeks GRATES MY BALLS! Especially loosing to The Bulls, especially loosing by 1 point after we scored the four tries that we needed to too make the Semi Finals.

In all of my years of supporting The Sharks I have never been upset to the stage where I say that I was disappointed in my team. But you know what: I am now. I’m disappointed by the fact that we led the tournament until the last four weeks where we decided to loose, I’m disappointed in the fact that we played conservative rugby the whole tournament where we never really chased four try bonus points games. I’m disappointed that we lost games that we should have won. Its unacceptable to be labeled one of the highest rated underachievers in the tournament, but we deserve that label! I really feel like a Liverpool fan, I might just have to wait 20 years to win a Super trophy.

But all of this can be put down to divine retribution. To God punishing me for giving copious amounts of shit to people about the teams they support. Maybe I shouldn’t give Michael so much shit that he supports the Lions. Michael I’m sorry boy. Please support who you want, you’ll never hear me chirp you about it again!

And its funny how fickle divine retribution can actually be. Me and my girlfriend hatched a plan to sneak in some quality time before church on Sunday night. We said that we would meet in the car park and that I would give her something at her car while her parents and her brother is inside. We would then steal a kiss. Turns out she arrived later then expected, so the whole ‘stolen quality time’ was not what we both expected. Then after church I unintentionally forget to shake her dads hand after he offered his hand to me!

I am a doos! WITH A CAPITAL D!

But that’s what you get for trying to do shit like that on holy ground. What did we expect things to go smoothly? I’m actually an idiot for thinking that it would! The laws of divine retribution says that we were doomed to fail!

What the failed attempt did do was bring us closer together as we now have our first embarrassing moment to share. I love you my girl, and we will always have that failed attempt in the church yard to look back at and laugh about.

What really brought me trough this whole disappointing weekend, because the Deccan Chargers lost as well and the West Indies are on the brink of humiliation in England, was my girl friend! She really calmed me down, made me realise that it is all just a game and there will be next year. She was there to pick up the pieces and to put me in my place to tell me to stop acting like a 5 year old crying over spilt Oros. I really love her and realised this weekend that she means the world to me. More then she knows I think. I hope you read this my love. I love you.

So its another year of waiting. And please, don’t feel shy to call me a Mujahid, I bladdy deserve it.

Normality has returned to the force!

Looks like a measure of normality has returned after a month of complete unpredictability.

I managed to stay sober and out of trouble this weekend. Normality 1. No one got F'D up at San Vineros this weekend. Normality 2. And the rugby results went as expected this weekend. Normality 3.

All the top teams in the Super 14 won this week and it is making it a interesting last 2 weeks of the regular season.

The Crusaders host the struggling Reds who could be without playmaker Barrick Barnes who tweaked a groin muscle while kicking before the Brumbies game. The Reds are travelling and they don’t travel well. Crusaders should win and move up to a tentative 3rd spot on 37 points.

There is a nothing game in the Friday evening fixture between the Lions and the Highlanders. Hopefully the Lions can win to prove they are not as KAK as everyone thinks they are.

The biggest game of the tournament is the first game up on Saturday. My New Zealand team, the Chiefs, are back in the land of the long white cloud and are at home in Hamilton to try curtail a late charge by the Hurricanes.

Should the Canes win they stay top of the log on 43 points or 44 points. Much will depend on the Chiefs defence as the teams are equally potent in attack.

The difference will be at fly half where its my man Steven Donald up against Piri Weepu. With Dan Carter out until October, much of All Blacks coach Graham ‘miserable bastard’ Henry’s focus will be on this game to find the incumbent first five eighth.

Should the Chiefs win they stay second with 41 or 42 points. Im hoping for a Canes win. Ill explain why later.

The Brumbies play the Blues and have to hope that the two form South African teams loose in order for either of them to make the semi’s. The Blues should curb the Brumbies winning streak.

The Sharks host the Waratah’s and if they win then they will go to 40 or 41 points, which will move them into 2nd (should the chiefs loose and get no points and stay on 37.) They will be without Rory Kockott who dribed an oak on the field on the weekend. However, Ruan Pienaar is back.

The Bulls have an easy win game against the Cheetahs in Pretoria. The Bulls will win, and move to 41 or 42 points. And Second spot (provided the chiefs loose)

The last game is another nothing game. The Stormers host the Force, none of whom have a chance of making the playoffs.

Im hoping for a Canes win so that the SA boys can make headway into the Semi finals. 1 plays four and 2 plays three. If the Canes finish top and the chiefs fourth, it will be a Kiwi semi final number 1 with a Bulls vs Sharks Semi final 2 in PTA.

If all the top four win then they stay the same. But then both the Bulls and the Sharks have to travel for their Semi finals.

Go the Canes.

The IPL is amazing, fantastic. The cricket is great, the atmosphere is electric. But the access to and from the stadium is kak and the dancing girls are pathetic!

Recent developments in my personal life means I cant look at other woman like I used to, and Im loving it. But really, when the dancing girls get up on stage to bust some moves and they look as fat as a Bar Code stripe I have a problem. Feed the cows. It doesn’t cost much, a happy meal at Mc Donalds is 15 rand! And don’t even get me started on how heavy they dance. Out of Coordination like you cant believe!

Right. So the rocket scientists in South Africa decided to close off one double lane in Corlett Drive to allow access to the stadium. At the end of the game you have 30 000 people trying to squeeze through a space that fits 2 cars side by side. Then you get the bastard Bollywood VIP wankers trying to drive their cars out at the same time as the crowd leaves. WTF!!!!!!!! They then in essence make the lane even smaller. Their motocade took 45 minutes to travel 10 meters and good for them!

Their head of security detail was walking next to the car that had Shah Rukh Khan in the car. He looked at me and said that he didn’t expect this. I said: You not a local right. He told me he is from Manchester.

The best time to get the VIP’s out with no effort is either 20 minutes before the end of the game or 40 minutes after the end of the game.

A one Mr Francois Pienaar was stuck in the traffic and he had every random piss cat in the world walking to his window and asking for a photo and Pienaar smiled for every one of them. That’s how a celeb should be.

Crunch Time

Howdie Howdie.

So it’s the easter period and a crucial time for the Super 14. I’ve let the ball slip a bit with the predictions, but I hope to be back on track next week.

What looked like a very mediocre weekend in the Super 14 is actually turning out to be one of the most crucial weekends of the tournament.

The two teams that have a bye have it at a time when they need to recuperate and find some inspiration. The Sharks have been playing Shit over the last two weeks and this is coming from a die-hard sharks fan.

We already have two results with the Stormers breaking their loosing streak and the Lions getting a hiding in Perth.

What can we look forward to tomorrow? Well the first Saturday game sees the Blues host the Reds. The Blues are currently on 28 points with 3 points in sight against the ailing Reds. A win in Auckland will see the Blues on 31 points, the same as the Chiefs and the Sharks. However, they will jump to the top of the log courtesy of their high number of bonus points. The Blues are on form and Rene Ranger will be hoping to threaten the whitewash in an attempt to claim yet another bonus point for the once upon a time champions. They have the mettle to do it, Blues by 10.

Then we see two teams that are keen for a semi final spot playing each other. The Hurricanes play host to a Brumbies team that will be playing every game form here out for the late Shaun MacKay. If the Hurricanes win they will then surpass the Blues at the top of the table with 32 points. If the Brumbies win they will move into 3rd, with the Bulls vs Chiefs game still to come.

I think the Hurricanes have a point to prove, being the highest rated New Zealand team to never win the tournament be it Super 10, 12 or 14. However, the Brumbies are off the piss and want to win the tournament. My head says the Hurricanes by 10 but don’t put the house on it.

The next two games, if played with a South African final in mind can help the Sharks and Bulls immensely in the tournament.

The Cheetahs host the Crusaders in Bloem with an upset on the cards. An epic battle between Juan Smith and Richie McCaw will be the highlight of the match.

If the Cheetahs win, they will have a reason to get drunk and listen to DE LA RAY DE LA RAY on repeat for the rest of the evening. However, that will mean that the Crusaders will not have a hope of making the Semi Finals.

The highflying Chiefs are in Pretoria to play the Bulls. Both are must wins for each team as the Bulls will finish the week at the top of the log should they win. Should the Chiefs win they will retain their position.

It’s the closest super rugby tournament to date. Only 5 points separate the top 8 teams! Chances are that the Semi Finals will be decided on bonus points. This will make the Sharks and Brumbies, each on three bonus points, and the Waratahs and Crusader, each on 4 bonus points, worry a bit.

Deciding the Super 14 semi finals on bonus points is like deciding the Barclay Card English Premiership on goal difference. It just isn’t fair!

There were calls in the past for a round of quarterfinals, which will see an equal playing field going into the finals. However, this will be quite a way off as Sanzar is focusing more on extending the number of teams in the tournament.

Rugby Focus

It’s a sad sad day for rugby.

A week after been run over by a security van outside a Durban night club, Brumbies player Shawn McCay passed away last night in a Durban hospital.

McCay contracted a blood infection, which brought on cardiac arrest, which proved fatal.

This doesn’t say much for medical standards in South African hospitals if a person can contract a fatal infection in ICU, which is supposed to be the safest place in the hospital.

My thoughts and prayers go out to the family and team mates of McCay.

In other news, Peter De Villiers has given SARU seven days to initiate disciplinary action against Cheeky Watson after the whole Baboon incident. At the time of the incident, Watson claimed that him and De Villiers were good friends, and one would think that good friends don’t go around seeking disciplinary action against others.

But then again whenever Cheeky is involved, there is trouble.

Same with his piss willie son Luke. Granted he is the form of his life, and is actually letting his rugby do the talking instead of his mouth. However, me thinks this wont be enough to warrant a selection in the team.

Last week De Villiers reported that the team dynamics of the Springboks will be key, after Watson’s statements last year that he wanted to arif on the springbok jersey pissed off a few senior players. These players will find it hard to get along with him should he be included now.

SARU has accommodated Watson to a degree by moving the Springbok to the left hand side of the jersey and incorporating the King Protea on the right, but this just means that Watson will arif on half of the jersey.

Because it is easter week and I am going away, I thought I'd do my predictions on a Monday this week.

First up, on Good Friday, the Blues host the Lions. The Blues are fresh off a rest week and are back at home in their beloved Eden Park where they beat the Waratahs two weeks ago. The Lions are fresh off tossing the game against the Chiefs where they had the perfect opportunity to do other teams in the competition a favor.

The Lions looked very good in stages, André Pretorius looked like he was to his old best, but then missed four UNFORGIVABLE kicks.

Form suggests that the Blues will win, and I agree. Blues by 10.

Next up is the Force against the Hurricanes. The Force are making a charge for the Semi Finals, however, the horse has bolted, and the Hurricanes are on form. Zac Guilford and Ma’a Nonu were in good form against the Sharks and should carry that form over to Perth. Canes by 10.

First up on Saturday is the Highlanders hosting the Reds. I don’t think the Reds can win and it will be interesting to see if Jimmy Cowen can establish himself as a front runner for the All Black scrum-half berth. Highlanders by 15.

The Brumbies are back at home and will want to play well in memory of McCay, they host Luke Watson because the rest of the Stormers team is playing so shit that they don’t deserve a mention. Luke, as good as he thinks he is the ERR, cant beat 15 men by himself, Brumbies by 20.

The Bulls travel to Sydney to face a Waratahs team that is once again on form, The Bulls need to win this game to have any hopes of a home semi final. And if they loose this game then there is a huge possibility that they wont even make the Semi Finals! I think the Bulls are on a loosing streak that will see them not qualify for the Semi Finals, Waratahs by 5.

The final game of the Easter Super Weekend is the Cheetahs hosting the Sharks. The Sharks are in the type of form that will see them win the tournament without loosing another game. Sharks by 15.

In the end there can be only one

Good Monday to the Lions Den Massive.

Its halfway through the Super 14 and it is turning out to be a good tournament.

I called four out of the six games correctly this week, so it looks like the tournament is finally gaining some measure of normality.

The shock result of the weekend was the Bulls vs the Highlanders. No one expected the Highlanders to win, and fewer expected the Highlanders to win by that much.

But what does this mean for the log, well the win gave the Sharks an opportunity to take the top spot after their good win over the Brumbies. The Waratahs moved up to second after edging the Blues out in Auckland.

But the biggest benefactor of the win was the Highlanders. Sitting in 12th position before the weekend, the win briefly propelled the team into the top of the top half of the log. They ended the super weekend in 6th position.

Halfway through the tournament I always like to take a look at the teams and ponder as to who will make the playoffs.

I think that the Sharks will be good enough to retain their top spot from this point on. They won their hard games overseas and are playing relatively easy teams from here out in Durban. It will be a ding dong battle between the ‘Tahs and the Bulls as to who will finish the regular part of the season in second spot. The ‘Tahs have lost two games and should win the rest of their games from here out.
There is a problem as there is only 4 points separating positions 3 to 8.

The Bulls have a game in hand on the ‘Tahs and provided they win the rest of their games, they wont travel to Oz for the semi final.

Here’s the problem, the Bulls have four games that they can potentially loose between now and the 16th of May.

This weekend they play the Crusaders in New Zealand, the following week they go to Sydney to play the ‘Tahs. They then have a relatively easy game in the Brumbies before they come home to host the Chiefs and the Force.

It could go down to the last weekend when they travel to Durban to play the Sharks.

I think at the end of the regular season, the Sharks and the ‘Tahs should take the top two spots. 1 Semi final in Durban, 1 Semi final in Sydney. 1 plays 4 and 2 plays 3, the Bulls should finish third so the one semi final will be between the ‘Tahs and the Bulls in Sydney.

Looking at the log realistically, I think the Chiefs will take the fourth spot as they have the easier games going into the playoffs. From this week their schedule is: Lions in New Zealand, Cheetahs in Bloem, the Bulls in Pretoria, the Stormers in Slaap Stad, the Hurricanes in Wellington, and the Brumbies in Canberra. Sharks vs Chiefs in Durban.

The Watson’s have done it again. This time Puke’s father allegedly called Peter de Villiers a Baboon at a meeting at the beginning of the year.

The slur allegedly came at a meeting of the Eastern Province Rugby Legends, f&*k I never knew they had any, where Cheeky Watson called De Villiers a Baboon who didn’t know how to do his job. Watson denies he ever said it, and an irate Press Officer from the EPRFU sent a bitchy press statement to the media stating that Watson never ever called De Villiers that and that the two are good friends.

Where there is smoke there is fire. I don’t believe the whole Baboon incident is true, but I don’t doubt that Watson could have said something like that as he fancies himself as a future top man in Rugby

Have a punt. but whats the Point?

Most gambling is pointless, the amount of people that have won vs the amount of people that have lost is sickingly distorted.

However, when you go to a casino, any casino, you see copious mugs paying the casino’s yearly rent, lights and water, gambling, and liquor license all in one evening.

However, most people seem to carry on punting. But why? Why do people go and punt knowing that they are going to loose? Well you see, they don’t know that. Although the ratio of people who have won at the casino’s vs the people who have lost at the casino’s is distorted, people always feel that they have a chance. That the cards will fall for them, that the ball will fall in their number, that the three 7’s will line up.

So its legalised theft where the offenders ‘unknowingly’ get away with it. However, there is a form of legalised theft where the people knowingly get away with it. And it actually GRATES MY BALLS.

7 14 15 20 22 47. No that is not the combination the safe at my house. It was last nights LOTTO numbers.

Now look at those numbers and tell me that the f’ing thing is not rigged? The chances of picking 6 numbers to win the lotto is slim. But to pick consecutive numbers to win the LOTTO is impossible.

Yet when the draw results came on TV it showed that there were no fewer then 3 winners who had to share the jackpot.

And this happens every week! EVERY WEEK TWO CONSECUTIVE NUMBERS ARE DRAWN, and someone wins.

DO ME A FAVOUR. I WASN’T BORN YESTERDAY, YOU ARE STEALING PEOPLES MONEY AND GETTING AWAY WITH IT YOU SCALY BASTARDS!

If there were three winners, why don’t they publish their names in the paper. And they mustn’t come with the crap excuse that they want to remain anonymous. Because unless you move to fekkin Jamaica the day after you win the LOTTO people are going to find out.

Ask yourself this: If a family member won the LOTTO jackpot, would I find this out without his/her name being in the paper?

If you don’t, then you are stupid! Plain and bladdy simple.

As for Nimrod Nkosi, he should have stuck with Jam Ally, 'cause prancing around the stage like a fairy isn’t working for him. Vanessa Carrera is still hot though!

Super 14 time again.

I am doing my predictions on a Thursday so that I am not under pressure to get my predictions out before the early morning result comes out.

It’s a calmer weekend this week. First up is the Blues against the Waratahs. The ‘Tahs have become very unpredictable. Before the last weekend, they hadn’t lost in Sydney in 11 matches. However, they played crap and the Crusaders won.

One thing the ‘Tahs cant do is travel. And this weekend, they will have to make the journey to New Zealand’s home of rugby, Eden Park. I spoke in the past about the Blues’ forward strength and the strength of their half backs. But over the last two weeks, Isia Toeva and Rene Ranger have hit their straps and have caused havoc. Expect much of the same this week. Blues by 10, Joel Peter agrees.

Easy win for the Bulls on Saturday in Palmerston North when they take on the Highlanders. Hopefully Brian Habanna can actually wake up on Saturday and figure out that he plays rugby for a living. The wing has been playing crap ever since he won the world cup. The Bulls forwards should take the Highlanders to the cleaners, expect Pierre Spies to run in one or two. Bulls by 15, once again Joel agrees.

I called it last week. The Crusaders are the come-back-kids of the tournament. They drew with the Force and got a win in Sydney. They play the Stormers this week at the AMI stadium. The Stormers have injury problems and have selected Peter Grant at centre with Willem De Waal to start at 10. Bozo The Clown moves to 14.

I think the Crusaders are brimming with confidence and will fancy their chances this weekend. Crusaders by 10, Joel agrees.

The Reds host the Chiefs, the Reds have no chance, Chiefs by 10, Joel agrees.

The Sharks are back at their beloved Shark Tank to inflict copious amounts of pain to the Brumbies. It will be like experiencing torture in a Viet Cong prison camp. The Brumbies might want to prove that they can win on the road, but the Sharks will be keen to cement their top position. Rory Kocket will be key in the game as Ruan Pienaar is injured. He will need to get Frans Steyn on the front foot. Ryan Kankowski is also key as the 8 9 10 axis of the Sharks has been a feature of their game since the 80’s . They’ll be too good. Sharks by 15, Joel says Sharks by 5.

It gets worse. The Lions win over the weekend has put a spanner in the works for teams hoping to make the play offs. The Hurricanes come to Ellis Park hoping to win on the road and get valuable points under their belt. However the Lions could cause an upset.

Key for the Lions to is contain Ma’a Nonu. If they can do that, they will win by plenty. However, that will be a hard task. Ill go for a Hurricanes win by 5, Joel thinks the Lions could win. BUT DON’T PUT THE HOUSE ON THIS GAME!

The Zuris team of the tournament, the Cheetahs are resting this week, Thank the Lord!

What drugs is Michael Jackson on? I reported last month that he is staging a comeback. His first stop on his world tour is London. Reports indicate that he wants to make a grand entrance onto the stage. He wants to ride in on an African Elephant, which will be led by two panthers on leashes, and a flock of exotic birds flying behind him!

This is all true, google it!

What the FEK Michael, you are becoming a Zuris. Just forget about music and retire with some dignity please!

Crisis? What crisis?

Good Monday people!

Actually, Mondays are very slow for me. It takes the Lion of Lebanon at least 2 hours at work to become remotely productive.

Anyway what a weekend.

I tend to agree with Bradley Geldenhuys’ sentiment that the financial crisis is a bunch of horse shit! I went punting on Friday night, a typical Lebanese past time, and was shocked with what I saw.

Sitting on the roulette table at Gold Reef City Casino, I exchanged my money for chips and gave myself a few rounds to have a look at how the Sharmoot Hubid was spinning the wheel and what numbers were falling. While I was observing, a rich Indian Man, with his 52 gold chains around his neck a gold bicycle chain on his arm and a gold ring on every finger, took out 10 grand and threw it on the table.

Now I’m not used to seeing money like that casually thrown around, unless its at the purchase of a parcel of Gwesh, be that as it may, the bloke got his chips and he proceeded to play as if he owned the table.

Clearly the concept of cautiousness doesn’t apply to him as me with my R250 worth of chips lasted longer then him.


I left the table and came back to have another go at the table and as I sat down, the larney came back and threw another 5 grand on the table. He was a bit luckier the second time around as when I left he was about 2 grand up.

I don’t really go to the Casino’s with the expectation of winning big, the main reason is for the atmosphere. You would think that during a financial crisis like the one that we are apparently in, people would be more cautious with their money! Fat chance of that my friends! All of the roulette tables were packed as was the blackjack tables, the machines were buzzing and the smoking section of the casino looked like the cemetary scene of Michael Jackson’s thriller with all of the mist! Mind you, a few of the Eldarado Park massive walked out there with eyes glazed over like the zombies from the said music video!

The rugby never went well! I think I only called one game correctly! YES YES I know the Sharks lost. Stop the SMS’ please! I K.N.O.W W.E. L.O.S.T! But at least we never fell apart like the Lions! I cant say that I couldn’t see it coming after the first 20 minutes. For a change the Stormers forwards finally figured out that they can actually play rugby! They were nothing short of awesome!

Liverpool blew the Reds away! If they play like this for the rest of the season then they could very well win the league!

I have stated on a number of occasions that the Lebanese love themselves! And its all very well if the girls love themselves, because frankly there is nothing nicer then a dolled up raven haired, olive skinned, hazel eyed beauty in a push up bra with stiletto high heels prancing around! But when the men love themselves and advocate it, there’s a problem!

I had my first encounter with this in high school. At the time, Fabian Khalil used to be a mainer at the Bassonia gym. He was loosing his hair and proud of it! He used to walk around the gym, stop unsuspecting ladies and ask: “Don’t you think I look a little bit like BRUCE WILLIS!” Although this is weird, you would think that was limited to the gym, but it wasn’t.

The top spot for jauling in those days was Night Fever in Fourways. One night there, before getting horribly molar, I was at the bar, and out the corner of the ear I heard, “Yes I know I look like Bruce Willis, I must admit, I’m only now getting used to the attention I get!” Strues Bob, I turn around and Fabian is Zurising himself around a number of girls!

That was nearly 10 years ago.

The latest incident of molar loving oneself happened at Santroghey this weekend! And I called it on Friday!

Warren Jaffa you legendary oak! I saw him at church on Sunday night and usually he gives me some sop story of how he is never going to drink again, and how he got on the bar counter to dance! This Sunday he tells me that he has to ask for forgiveness in church because at Santroghey on Saturday night, WARREN JAFFA, was getting dead molar, danced on the bar counter, THEN TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF, walked around the club asking girls: “Don’t you think it’s a bit nippy in here!?”

STONE COLD ZURIS!

Speaking of Zuris’, Zumatello was on the campaign trail this weekend and hit the churches! Today on Highveld Stereo he was bitching and moaning about why the public are pissed off with him campaigning at churches!

Now its all very well that you campaign at the churches and I am all for it, provided that try and bring back church values into the way you run your country. But when you walk into a Christian church and start advocating abortion and same sex marriages, you are going to get STUFFED UP! That’s how to loose votes 101!

We need to welcome a new follower to the Lions Den! Big up Ms Kerry Arrow, you legendary girl!