Vuvuzela’s Vespas and The Deadliest Warrior of All Time

The 2010 FIFA World Cup is going to be a culture shock.

We are only in the Confederations cup and there are already significant concerns about hosting events such as the magnitude of the soccer World Cup in the country. The biggest concern is the park and ride system.

Under FIFA regulations, all access roads within 2 km of the stadium must be sealed off. This means that there is no easy way to get to the stadium. But the South African Rocket Scientists, who are among the best in the world, have come up with a cunning plan to overcome this.

Allow me to introduce you to E-Transi, a shuttle service that takes people from a designated park and ride pick point to the stadium. There are a number of pick up points and a number of busses to get you to the stadium without a hassle. Right? Right? WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

On Tuesday, the 5 times World Champs Brazil were playing the Yanks in a bit of a nothing match at the royal Bafokeng Sport Palace in Rustenburg. Apparently, the Rocket Scientists made such a stuff up off the transport that half of the ticket holding fans only got to the stadium at the end of the first half!

WTF??????????????????????? And then, at the game between Italy and Egypt, played at Ellis Park last night. About 10 000 fans had to wait nearly 2 hours for the bus pick them up to take them back to their cars. 2 hours in the middle of the Ghetto at 10 pm at night!

If that’s not bad enough, the foreigners are complaining about the incessant noise the Vuvuzelas make at the stadium.

Just imagine it from a players point of view. You are used to 40 000 screaming fans in your own country, now you go to a foreign country where the crowd wears balaclavas over their faces, decorated hard hats on their heads, a irritating trumpet and they are carrying dictionaries into the ground!

But I suppose that Hard Hats, Vuvuzela’s and Balaclavas are better then taking a Vespa into the stadium.

At a Champions League game about 5 years ago at the San Siero in Milan, Inter was playing Manchester United, and were getting a hiding of note. About 15 minutes to go until the end of the game a Vespa scooter drops from the top tier of the San Siero onto the field.

Let me repeat that: About 15 minutes to go until the end of the game A VESPA SCOOTER DROPS FROM THE TOP TIER OF THE SAN SIERO ONTO THE FIELD.

How the hell did the Spaghetti’s get the scooter to the top tier in the first place, how did they get it past security, and how did they manage to throw it over the balcony onto the field?

So in South Africa you get dictionary wielding fans wearing a balaclava over their face, a hard hat of their head, and a trumpet in their mouth, in Italy you get a scooter thrown at you!

On my way to PE the other day I got hold of William Faure’s epic series of Shaka Zulu. This pleased me immensely as I grew up watching that and I was, and still am, infatuated with the whole myth surrounding the African Napoleon.

So I was googeling anything and everything related to Shaka and came a across a You Tube video of a simulated fight between Shaka Zulu and William Wallace.

It turns out there are some bored Yanks who have nothing better to do with their lives other then to think who would the most deadliest warriors in the world be, and create a simulated fight between them.

Although I think that this is the best thing out, because I am a fan of random acts of violence, the concept is a bit wrong.

The odds in the battles are really stacked in one particular sides favour. For instance, in the fight between William Wallace and Shaka Zulu, Wallace won. And predictably so. This is because he had superior weapons and was known as a warrior of some prestige. Shaka’s legacy was his military reform to his army. He was never a true warrior himself.

In another simulated battle, they match up a Samurai Warrior with a Viking. Now this is an even match as both had the same style of weapons and a hunger of carnage. However, the Samurai won because the fight took place in a forest. With no snow. So once again the scales were heavily in favour of the Samurai Warrior.

The urban warfare between the Potato Eating IRA and the goat loving Taliban took place in a city, which favors the IRA as opposed to the mountains, which would favour the Taliban.

Drunk Men Walking

One of the most unfortunate events of the weekend, besides the Lions coming close to a win, is the unfortunate accident involving Brumbie lock forward, Shawn MacKay.

McKay was leaving a club in Durban on the early hours of Sunday morning when a car ran over him outside of the club and then sped off.

Askria are opening a docket of hit and run, and are thinking of taking criminal proceedings against the driver should they get a solid statement from the pissed witnesses at the place.

This brings me to the topic of the day. Drunk Walking.

The worst time to be on the road is between 4 pm and 6pm on a Sunday, when you have pissed outies or bastards who like to drink at shabeens walking home. These people cant judge the traffic and have the tendency to fall over into the street.

And if they are able to walk across a street it takes them about 40 minutes to do so.

Look at this logically. If there is a rule against drunk driving, shouldn’t there also be a law against drunk walking?

I know that the pedestrians always have right of way, and most of the time I don’t go around deliberately aiming the bullet at pedestrians. But if you are driving at 60 kms a hour, and a molar bastard jumps in front of your car, what realistic chance do you have to stop and not hit him/her?

That’s probably what happened with the McKay incident. I'm not saying the driver of the car was right, he should have stopped. However, when molar people are on the road, shit can go wrong very quickly and it is not always the drivers fault!

I do wish him a speedy recovery, and maybe he will give up drinking for a while after the incident.

Joost Joost Joost. He’s whole world seems to be coming down around him.

Supersport is now contemplating giving him the sack, they held an emergency meeting yesterday to asses the situation, and according to Supersport’s media manager Clinton Van Den Berg, Joost has been taken off air until the issue of his haish video has been resolved.

When I saw him on TV the other day doing the rugby, they stuck him with Naaaaaaas “dead pan” Botha and Arnold Geeeeeeerts!

Now Naaaaaaaaas knows a bit about rugby, but wont make any statements about Joost's video on air, but Geeeeeerts knows F All about rugby. Why put him on? Why not put Joost on with the Irish terrorist John Robbie and Daaaaren “Drunkard” Scott? Because Robbie and Scott don’t give a shit and are likely to embarrass Joost on air.

FIFA are idiots. Its nice when you have idiots in charge of the most popular sport in the world isn’t it?

Right, now FIFA are concerned about Bafoona Bafoona’s game against Norway. FIFA say that they are concerned that the stands were empty and that the fans were coming into the stadium after the game had already kicked off.

THAT’S BECAUSE THE FANS HAD TO GO THROUGH 4 KM’S OF SECURITY CHECKPOINTS YOU ROCKET SCIENTIST BASTARDS!

I DETEST IMBECILES! REALLY I DO!

And that’s not all. FIFA is also concerned that only 1/3 of the tickets for the Confederations Cup have been sold.

THAT’S BECAUSE YOUR TICKETING SYSTEM IS SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

To get a ticket for the Confederations Cup or World Cup, you have to fill in an application form at First National Bank. Hand it in with all the money for all the tickets upfront. Then a Lucky draw takes place where your name might be drawn to get tickets.

FIFA employed this system to eliminate block bookings and reselling of tickets on the black market. Which is going to happen anyway.

Bear with me here.

I apply for 7 tickets, my mom on a separate form applies for 7 tickets, my dad on a separate form applies for 7 tickets, my brother on a separate form applies for 7 tickets.

I now have 28 tickets. Im only going to watch 4 games. 24 tickets left. Im not going to drive through Soweto handing out tickets am I? Im going to sell them for a profit!!

FIFA YOU HAVE SPENT TO LONG IN SOUTH AFRICA, YOU ARE GETTING AS THICK AS THE ROCKET SCIENTISTS IN SA! YOU ARE A BUNCH OF IDIOTS!

THIS WILL HAPPEN FIFA! T.H.I.S W.I.L.L H.A.P.P.E.N! YOU CANT PREVENT IT! DON’T TRY!

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