Swine Flu and Cops

Good Morning.

So the big thing at the moment is the Swine Flu virus. Although it is a virus that is likely to kill a lot of people, society has tried to see the lighter side of the virus.

It really didn’t take long for jokes to come out about the Swine Flu and the PO PO, the best one I heard was this heavy Dutchman from the East Rand go on Highveld Stereo and ask: “If this Pig Flu virus are so bat, then does that mean that all the Cops arrest dieing?”

Imagine a world without cops? Granted society would be plunged into total anarchy because the basic security system has been broken down, but how good is the basic security system in South Africa really?

	N.W.A. - Fuck Tha Police
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

My fascination with the cops came after watching a programme on soccer hooliganism. Basically the scene was a bunch of drunk Scots causing havoc in London Chanting: LETS GO FING MENTAL! LETS GO FING MENTAL. A cop then tries to calm them down when the Scots chant: WE AINT GOING NOWHERE! WE AINT GOING NOWHERE.

Everyone has had at least one run in with the law at some stage of his or her life. Here are some of mine:

October 2002
Setting: M&A in the Glen shopping centre.
Me and a mate (I wont mention any names to protect innocent parties) were getting a bit molar at M&A when my mate announces that we should go and visit Teazers. So the three of us go in 2 separate cars. Approaching Teazers in Rivonia can be a bit of a task as the circle is a bit big and very daunting when you have a nervous drunk like my friend behind the wheel. We took a turn at the Sheiks Palace and wanted to do a quick detour down a one way road. The distance was 20 metres, It was 12 at night and the likelihood of anyone being on that road at that time was slim. So we turn up the road and stare down the face of a cop car! He flipps on the siren and tells us to pull off the road. So we pull off and a cop come to the drivers window and tell us how dangerous is was what we did. No his suspicion is up and he asks us where we were going. To Zurised to say we were going to Teazers we lied and told him we looking for a friend who is lost. He asked us where and we told him We don’t know.

Anyway 30 minutes later he says to us that we are lying to him and he will have to take us to the station. So we said we going to Teazers. The bastard cop bursts out laughing and tells us: “Boys, its not a sin to go to Teazers.” He told us how to get there and we got off scot-free.

August 2005
Setting: Gas Station in Al Barsha Dubai During Ramadaan.

After a night out on the piss at a mates house I stop off at a garage and buy a Subway sandwich. On my way to work I decide that I want to eat it cause I am hungry! HUGE MISTAKE! A cop car stops next to me, rolls down his window and goes off at me in Arabic. At the time, hungover and 3 months in Dubai, my Arabic was limited to: MUFI ARABIA (no Arabic – meaning I don’t understand you sir). He tells me in his broken English that I must come with him to the station. I really didn’t want to until he pulled out the cuffs. So I followed him there and he took me to the station commander. The station commander hears the cops complaint and looks at me and says: Do you know its Ramadaan? I say yes but I’m not Muslim. He asked if I work in Dubai and How long I have been there. I told him 3 months and he was very understanding and told me that although I am not Muslim eating in public during Ramadaan is illegal, even for non Muslims. He gave me a warning and apologised for any inconvenience that I was caused.

October 2005
Setting: SAFA Park Um Al Quain Dubai.

A few mates and me were having a BBQ in Safa park and drinking a bit. I wasn’t drinking as I was driving. But I had to take a pissed friend home. Driving with a drunk passenger is illegal in Dubai, unless you a taxi, so I told her to behave. As we approach cop cars at the entrance of Saffa park, she rolls down the window and screams at the top of her voice: ‘You cant take me back to jail, Im not going back” Before the cops saw who it was I pulled into a side street, dragged her into the backseat and got the hell out of there.

Ok Fine! Im a hooligan when I drink!

Everyone has a go at the cops. Particularly because they can be a bunch of miserable bastards! That prime example of British society: A one Mr Ali G has a go at the cops often!


Ali G Dangerous Weapons - The most popular videos are here

Anger Management and Overweight Cops

So its Monday again, and after a fairly eventful weekend, I came across 2 growing problems in South Africa.

Driving into work this morning, I came to the conclusion that South Africans are naturally aggressive.

It took me an hour to get into work this morning, this was owing to a bunch of overweight, remedial traffic cops who the rocket scientists at JMPD HQ thought they would unleash onto the busiest thoroughfare into JHB CBD!

It pisses me off because if the robots are in perfect working order then there is no bladdy reason to put trainee P.I.G.S. at the intersections. Granted they have to get practice somewhere, but then put the P.I.G.S. who are just about to graduate into full duty at the intersections going into the CBD. Don’t put the remedial bastards that are wet behind the ears there!

Looking around in the traffic jam, the reactions to the traffic ranged from a member of the Eldorado Park massive pumping up his music and lighting a skyf, The older gentleman in the Merc next to me proceeded to bang on his steering wheel and screaming like a youngster at a Brittany Spears concert.

To make matters worse, when the traffic was moving and the oak in the Merc had 3 meters to open his car up, a Taxi Driver in a Sesfigile taxi cut him off and dropped passengers off in the middle of the street. Pulling up next to the taxi I see its my friend who told me that the road was his last month. He clearly recognised me because when he saw me he said “Howzit Whitie”.

When we stopped at the robot where the P.I.G.S. where manning all hell broke loose. With blatant disregard for the traffic behind him, the oak in the Merc got out his car and started lambasting the trainee. So the supervisor P.I.G comes to him and tries to calm him down, he clearly wasn’t succeeding, so the cop wrote him out a ticket for obstructing the traffic!

What is it about SA cops and obesity? I know obesity is a problem worldwide, but is there a criteria on the Cops job application form that says you must weigh at least 150 kilograms and wear a size 52 pants?

Dont get me started on Merc drivers! Coming down Van Der Linde road, the two lane road narrows into a one lane road towards a stop street. So I take the right hand lane hoping to get a chance to get into the one lane by the time I hit the stop street. About 20 meters from the stop street, its me and this middle age bird in a huge Merc ML 4X4 jobbies dicing for the spot. In a stop-start traffic situation, her car has got no added advantage over mine, but she obviously thought I would pull out of the dice.

Needless to say I didn't pull out and I get in at the expense of the Merc who proceeds to blow her hooter and use the foulest language known to mankind at me. Already pissed off at the town incident, I put the bullet in neutral, get out the car, and start walking towards her. She rolled up her window as quickly as she could before I stood at her window and quietly clapped my hands!

I got in my car, turned left into Economides street, and low and behold, the cow is behind me, revving her engine and driving on my ass. Not intimidated, I drive 20kms/h down the road, it makes no difference to me, she is behind me, she hits me, she pays!

Near the Gechor home at the top of the road, she had enough of me drivning 20 kms/h and she pulled off like the bats of hell are after her. And who stops her at the bottom of the street? Ekurhuleni cops giving her a ticket for speeding!

A word of advise, If you ever see a Silver Hyundai Atos with a licence plate VJK 182 GP on the road, the driver has balls of steel and is fearless in the road. Nothing intimidates me!

I love South Africa. You never saw shit like this in Dubai.

It was a good weekend for the Super 14. My boys got back onto the winning streak while the Lions finally won! I called three results correctly in a tournament that is proving to be us unpredictable as Julias Malema’s mouth.


Breaking news is that Joost Van Der Westhuizen has dropped all charges against Heat Magazine and the Rapport in the Haish Movie case.

For those who haven't heard of the case before, please read my post "Celebrities on the run"

Anyway, Joost is dropping the charges mainly because the SA judiciary system takes to long, and in 3 years time, when the case is still ongoing, his kids will be old enough to understand what's happening and will start asking him sticky questions. He also said it would cost to much!

THE MAN IS GUILTY AS SHIT! IM SORRY! If you are adamant that it is not you in the video you will fight the case no matter what your kids say, because its not you in the video right, or the amount of cash involved! Surely the money he will make from winning the case will be astronomical!

And the Lions Den is responsible for bringing normality back to Santoghey. Apparently after getting phone calls from his friends about his name on this site. Warren Jaffer didn’t go to Santroghey on Saturday and never got molar.

Welcome to the Jungle

Welcome to Shalafain fellow surfers.

Seeing as though this is my debut posting, hold the applause please, I thought it would be apt to vent, and share, my frustrations about living in Johannesburg.

I'm sure everyone will be able to relate to this.

Upon driving to work, listening to the ever increasingly annoying RAW radio show, I was hoping for a quiet, stress free drive into work. Its started off well when RAW actually played a song you can listen to namely: 'SEX ON FIRE'. While pumping the volume in my Hyundai Atos 1100, the Silver Bullet, and singing at the top of my voice, I got cut off by 2 cars who were avoiding a Taxi who stopped in the middle lane of a busy road leading into town.

Words that describe fornication and the female anatomy were coming out of my mouth as I pulled up next to the taxi calling him all of the words under the sun. I asked him if he was stupid, clearly a rhetorical question as the look on his face indicated that Julias Malema was a Dr compared to him, to which his response was: "Piss off whitie, I do what I want on this raod, its my road." Welcome to the jungle.

I would have been able to get over this, if the whole incident didn't happen in front of an overweight traffic cop. I asked if she saw the incident and what she is going to do about it, to which her reply was: "EEEEEEEish, I don't know." Welcome to the jungle.

The end is in sight, I am near the on ramp to the highway, the robot is red for traffic and there are pedestrians wanting to cross the road, ignoring the green man. As the robot turns green for cars, the pedestrians start strolling across the street like a bunch of 80 year old degenerates thinking that traffic will stop for them. I put foot and aim the Silver Bullet, my Atos, at them. I clip the one on the arm who proceeds to call me all kinds of names describing the female anatomy. He also picks up a half brick, ala the locals from Eldorado Park, and throws it at the bullet, who is clearly out of range. Welcome to the Jungle.

A taxi causes trouble and tells you that hell do what he wants as its his road, an overweight cop puts her intelligence out for all to see, and pedestrians cross the road illegally and swears all cars on the road!

A normal start to a normal day in Johannesburg, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE!