Some Days.

Salamu

Most days, I wake up relatively happy with the world. Content with the hand that life has dealt me. Determined to look life in the eye at the end of the day an say: "Is that the best you have? I'm still standing." We live to fight another day.  To look the storm that rages around you in the eye and say: "Do your worst for I will surely do mine." These are the days we live for.

Then there are some days. These are the days where life does get you down, where no matter how happy and optimistic you are...life has a way of getting to you. When you look into the eye of the storm that rages around you and you crawl back into a little hole that has four walls. Your safety barrier against vulnerability no matter how fragile it is. It might be house of cards, but its your house and to you it is impenetrable.

And we all get these days. Anyone who tells you that they wake up 100% happy with the world every single day is either a liar or is on drugs.

I am really taking a chance with this post. A work colleague of mine who has gone through some of the same stuff I have been through has said that writing on her blog is her release mechanism. Hopefully I get the same release with this post.

I have never been lucky in love. Like all young people, I have had my share of flings, but I have never been lucky in love. I have loved two girls in my life and only ever truly loved one.

During all of this time I had a rival. A really good friend who was in constant competition with me in the girls. Every girl I pursued he was never far behind. He was even, in part, responsible for the break up between me and the girl I truly loved.

And through all this time I have never felt contempt for this rival of mine. Never hated him, never resented him. Even after all he did, I just could not hate the man. I heard last night that he has finally found love with a good girl and instead of damming the relationship, I felt a genuine sense of happiness for him.

Some say its because I am a staunch Catholic and hate is not something we believe in, but it is not that.

A discussion with a person who is really dear to me opened my eyes and made me see that the reason I cant hate this man is that he was not the real reason for my doomed relationships that it was in fact fate playing a greater hand or the other party being the ultimate cause.

Have you ever had that sick feeling in your stomach. The feeling that only panic or shock can bring about? That is exactly what happened to me last night. In 20 minutes, three years of justification and analytical explanations came tumbling down. In 20 minutes, 30 years of living according to life being about black and white was disproven and torn apart.

I was shown that I have lived the greater part of my life in a bubble. Shielded from the real world and choosing to live in a world of my own creation. Sometimes this is good, but long term it is unhealthy because life will always try to bring you down. Perhaps this is a humorous attempt to bring me back down to earth.

I sometimes feel like John Snow from Game of Thrones. Loved by those around him, but resented and loathed by the world. It is all very well that I have people who love me, but its family and friends who will love you regardless. What is the achievement in that? I appreciate it  and am grateful for it, but I still get the feeling of asking why the rest of the world cant feel the same toward me that my family and close friends do?

Tomorrow I will hopefully be back to my normal self. Ready to put upbeat off the cuff content on this blog which is appealing. For for today, this is just me...nothing more, nothing less.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!