The worst three words in history

Salamu

I don’t write on this site as much as I would like. That is just the nature of the beast. I would like to focus on writing more of these posts as it is an outlet for me to discuss issues I can’t talk about in the office environment or with lady friends.

Some people just don’t deserve to live. I know that this is bad coming from a good Catholic Boy such as myself, but if you really think of it, there are certain people that the world could have done better without. Adolf Hitler, Idi Amin Dada, Osama Bin Ladin, Pol Pot, Steve Hoffmeyer.  The list goes on and on. South Africa has also recently produced two political additions to this list in Jacob Zuma and Julius Malema.

There is a point to this post, I promise you .But first let me ask you a question: what do Idi Amin, Fulgencio Batista, Louis XVI of France and Marie Antoinette have in common. They all said three very detrimental words: FUCK THE POOR.  This is also essentially what the ANC government says every day, but we cannot prove it.

Here is another prize individual to add to your list. But before we talk about him, let’s talk about his company. I’ll give you the remix version. African Bank went on a money lending spree that would have made the Yanks that caused the 2009 global financial crisis jealous. Basically, they were giving loans to every Tom Dick and Harry who could not pay these loans off. The house of cards fell in on itself and the company lost 90% of its value overnight.

FUCK THE POOR!

So obviously every media company in the country wants to get hold of someone in charge at the Fuck the poor!

establishment to find out what they think about the whole thing. They got hold of Tami Sokutu, former chief risk officer at African Bank who took a leaf out of the books of the great dictators of the world and said:

The following bit of information was taken from an article on a prominent South African news website. Sokutu, who made more than R50-million in share options and earned another R35-million in salary and bonuses from his time as  African Bank’s chief risk officer, was asked about those who had obtained loans but were now unable to repay them.

The lives of thousands of borrowers have been ruined because they have been listed as bad credit risks. In response to their plight, Sokutu said: "Fuck them, fuck them."

Asked whether these people would be right to blame him for not having done a better job of controlling lending at the bank, Sokutu's answer was simple: "They will be right to say, 'I'm fucked.'"

Sokutu agreed to an interview with the Sunday Times this week. He stumbled and fell to the ground while welcoming the newspaper's reporter to his house in a gated complex in Centurion, Pretoria.

During the interview, he repeatedly boasted about how he had made millions and was now globetrotting.

He has three houses in South Africa, including holiday homes in Port Alfred and Cape Town, and another in Portugal. He said he did not need to ever work again. Sokutu also boasted about owning six cars, including a Porsche, which he said was parked "somewhere in the world - I don't know where". He also owns a Hummer H2, a turquoise Bentley, a BMW M6, a Mercedes-Benz A-Class and a Mercedes S500. His Johannesburg car, the Bentley, stood in his double garage.

Who in their right mind would say something like this? A person who knows that not a thing will be done to him, that’s who. He probably has every law maker and custodian in this country in his back pocket.

Look, he does have a point in a sense. If you cannot pay off a loan, don’t go and get a loan. It is that simple. But then again, if you - as a chief risk officer - can see that the person applying for the loan will never be able to pay it off, you have a moral obligation to refuse to give them that loan.

That is the problem with the world. It has simply lost its humanity. It’s also not a case of his salary is X and his expenses are Y. It’s a case of his position giving him a taste for the finer things in life which he simply cannot fund in a conventional manner.

Does this happen in the rest of the world, or only in South Africa? Why can we not stand up as a country and bring people like this to book to answer for what he has done? Another reason he can safely say Fuck the Poor is because they will go after the CEO and the CFO before they come after him.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Word of the Day

Salamu

I haven’t done one of these posts in a long time, so I thought I would revive one after listening to one of my favourite musical artists…Lilly Allen.

I came across Ms Allen when living in Dubai. As stated on this blog before, I worked with a bunch of posh London boys and had a bunch of Geordie, Scouse and Sheffield Steel friends. The fact that Ms Allen really sings about rubbish and doesn’t care what she says is very appealing, as are her looks.

All of my definitions come from the bastion of slang…Urban Dictionary.com

Word Pig!

Word: Filth

Meaning: a derogatory word for a police officer.

Application: Riding through the city on my bike all day ‘cause the filth took away my licence.

If you come to think of it, the cops have it bad. I think they must be the only group of people in the world that has so many derogatory terms associated with them.

Word: Pig

Meaning: a derogatory word for a police officer.

Application: Want another donut pig?

There have been a number of other applications of insinuations of the word pig in various movies. Two that come to mind immediately are Training Day and Beverly Hills Cop. In Training Day, Denzel Washington and Ethan Hawke corner my main may Snoop Dogg (or is it Snoop Lion now?) he famously says “it smells like bacon in this mothaf##ker!” In Beverly Hills Cop, Eddie Murphy is undercover and is trying to set up a major deal that will entrap a drug cartel. When one of the cartel’s members comes to him, he smells around him and says “it smells like pork, I used to be a Muslim, I know what pork smells like!”

Here is a word which Ms Allen uses in her song where you think you know the meaning of it, but it has other nuances besides the obvious one.

Word: crackhore

Meaning: a whore that chases cracks no matter what shape or form it may be in.

Application: look at that crackhore he would take anything home.

Here is another word which I never knew what the hell it meant, but now I know. Ok, it may not be the correct definition of it. But it is a definition I will accept.

Word: SWAG

Meaning: The most used word in the whole fucking universe. Douche bags use it, your kids use it, your mail man uses it, and your fucking dog uses it. If you got swag, you generally wear those shitty hats side way, and your ass hanging out like a fucking goof cause your pants are half way down your white ass legs. To break down the word, it means (Secretly We Are Gay). It is also a word that means to represent yourself/ the way you represent yourself, baggy clothes, shitty hats, small penis and basically a way to say you’re afraid to come out of the closet.

Application:  

Assface Magee: I got so much swag

Darrel: You got so much dick in your ass

Assface Magee: Fuck you, SWAG

The closeness of guys and girls have come under the spotlight recently. And I blame Hollywood for this labelling a good friendship a “bromance.” What would be the female version of this? A hoemance?

We digress. We all know that our girls have best friends that they simply cannot live without. These are her besties….and get between them at your own peril.

Word: Besticle

Meaning: Term referring to 2 men that are best friends. The masculine counterpart to the female bestie.

Application: My besticle Mike and I are heading to the golf course then will grab some beers afterward.

This is the gayest thing I have ever heard in my life and I will not be using it soon.

I hope that this has been enlightening and entertaining. More so than the opening ceremony of the 2014 FIFA World Cup. Just goes to show that sometimes you just can’t beat the Africans.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

The great social experiment

Salamu

Perception is a funny thing. One person will see a potato as a source of nourishment while another person sees it as a dirty vegetable. Technically both of these aspects of the potato are correct, it just matters on the point of view you are looking at it.

I must say that I have a unique mindset when it comes to many things. I am not your conventional person

who will think in one particular way. In fact, many people ask me if I go home to a mental institution every night. I think that my rationale is quite revolutionary, others beg to differ.

Take for instance night clubs. Many people think night clubs are social gatherings. But there is no way on earth that a night club is anything but a social experiment.

A social gathering is a gathering of two or more people where a variety of events can take place. A braai (which is a barbeque for you non South Africans) is a social gathering. Here you can drink, dance, eat, watch sports, hit on women and perhaps see some action. There are very rarely fights at braai’s.

A social experiment is a situation where limited activities are on offer in order to see the human reaction to things. Realistically, there are only three things you can do at a club: drink, dance and hit on women. People go to clubs and dance as some form of perverse mating ritual which will hopefully attract the fairer sex. If this is successful and you get some action, you will no doubt then get into another ritual of dominance with a guy that has had his eye on her the whole evening. For you uneducated out there, this is called a fight.

Dating in a sense, is also nothing more than a social experiment in order to see if you can effectively pursue a relationship with the other person. A relationship is nothing more than a social experiment in order to see if you can marry a person. This is the ultimate social goal that most humans aspire towards.

And this is just conventional dating. Now internet – or social media dating –  is even more of a social experiment. With conventional dating, you get to interact with the person on a personal level and you can see whether you are compatible. You make these judgements on various factors such as her smile, her nature, her demeanour during the dates, common interests and her personality. I recently joined Tinder and I found that on Tinder, you make assumptions on a person’s look and nothing more.

What defines a social event from a social experiment? Well the presence or absence of controllable variables. To get me to like a girl on Tinder, three things need to occur: Does she have beautiful eyes, does she have an awesome smile, and does she have a good body. If she’s blonde, it’s a bonus, but it will not exclude a girl if the other criteria are met. With a conventional date, it is harder to manipulate the controllable variables because your personality dominates.

A club is a social experiment because the controllable variable here is alcohol and the lack of other activities to entertain our primitive minds other than dancing and drinking. It is easy to manipulate these variables. The absence of alcohol frankly makes a club shit. But the absence of alcohol at a braai is not such a train smash.

You need to look for common denominators with all of this. And the overriding one is emotion. Which is why dating is nothing more than a social experiment, marriage on the other hand is less so because emotions are settled down significantly from when you were dating. The overriding factor at a night club is emotion (how you feel towards a song, how you feel towards a girl, how you feel towards getting involved in a fight) there are far less emotions involved at a braai.

How do you know the difference between a social event and a social experiment? There is a very easy test you can conduct which I call the Judge Judy test.

Judge Judy is a US television show based on a judge who rules on court cases brought before her. She needs to do this unemotionally. I often find myself sitting and watching Judge Judy and making my own mind up as to whether the person is guilty or not. I do this without having any previous training in law and I am only using common sense. This is also done unemotionally.

So the Judge Judy test is: look at the situation or event and UNEMOTIONALLY force yourself to look at it from the point of reason of common sense and then make a judgement call on the number of controllable variables are present. If there is more than two, it’s a Social Experiment.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Being single at 30

Salamu

Being single in your 30s is not fun. It’s the time in your life where a chilled night having a few drinks with friends over dinner looks way more appealing than getting shit faced at a club.  All of a sudden, the music at

Great lyrics bro! Took you all day to come up with it.

these places are too loud, young thundercats are running around trying to make a name for themselves either as the next big MMA fighter of his generation or the next big drinker of his generation, the music that these thundercats listen to (that Hardwell Tomorrow Land bullshit) has absolutely no soul, and it takes you three days to recover from a hangover.

These are some of the challenges that being single at 30 presents. But there is another challenge, a far deeper one.

What type of woman do you go after at 30? If you are targeting the age group of 26 years and under, you will still have to go to clubs and listen to that Hardwell Tomorrow Land bullshit music that has no soul. And do you really want to be that 30 year old at the club? If you are targeting the age group of 26 to 30, you will find them at a hipster bar drinking a craft beer trying to ‘define their life’ during their quarter life crisis. And if you are targeting the age group of over 30, they come with the challenge of divorces and quite possibly kids.

We live in interesting time my friends.

So…if the prospect of going to a club and a hipster gathering scares the shit out of you, what’s left? INTERNET DATING.

Now don’t get me wrong, I’m sure there are a lot of internet dating success stories. I’m just giving you my point of view. My 8 things you have to come to terms with when internet dating:

11)      There is no such thing as a free lunch. You will be expected to pay for internet dating. Yes there are free sites like OK Cupid. But the decent ones will cost you.

22)      Be prepared to scrape the bottom of the barrel. A supermodel or a cute girl can pick up a guy standing in the line at the Department of  Home Affairs. All she needs to do is flash him a smile and lick her lips seductively. A Plain Jane or a girl who is not looked at twice at school will be on the internet. Don’t go onto the net expecting to find a supermodel or a cute girl.

33)      Be prepared to encounter psycho’s. There is only one other reason that a decent looking girl will be on

the internet. She’s mad. This girl has escaped from a mental institution and is completely Loony Tunes. She might be relatively normal around you, but she has regular imaginary conversations with Bugs Bunny and Yosemite Sam.

44)      Be prepared to enter the Twilight zone. And no, this is not the Twilight zone of teenage porn vampires and werewolves. This is the Steven Spielberg Twilight Zone of freakiness. You must remember, to date on the internet, you must lose a bit of shame. So, be prepared for weird requests. I met a girl on Tinder and we got talking. Not even 10 whatsapp messages later she tells me her prepaid internet is up and asks me to by some for her. And then she still gave me shit because I asked her how she can do this after only starting to talk to me.

55)      They will be needy. Sometimes needy as F##k. Because of points two and three above, there is a good chance that these girls will be needy. I met a girl on OK Cupid and we got talking. And it was nice for the first few days having someone to talk to, you know, to get you through the long day at work. But there are times when you don’t want to talk to a person who sits with their phone in their hands waiting desperately for you to reply to them. And when you don’t chat to them EVERY SINGLE DAY…THE WHOLE DAY you get messages like: Did I do something wrong? We don’t chat as often as we did. And then when you don’t answer her because you are driving….you get 15 messages where there are just question marks (?)

66)      You will be asked stupid questions. As much as I love technology, it is a curse at times. It is definitely a curse on relationships. But before you venture out and meet the girl from the internet in person, you have to chat on social media first. The same girl who asked me if she did something wrong once asked me if she was awesome. Now I mentioned to her before what she was awesome to talk to because we had a lot in common. But I don’t feel that there is a need to tell a person that they are awesome every day unless you are dating them and are serious about them.

77)      Don’t expect the perfect woman. Ok. This applies to both real dating and internet dating. Just like the

perfect guy is a unicorn, the perfect woman is a unicorn. A mythical creature! But this is even worse with internet dating. A girl you meet at a social event usually attends social events and has a relative idea on how to carry herself in such environments. A person you meet on the internet does not have this skill. Be prepared for awkward silences, the dreaded one word answers to questions like: yes, no, ok. And don’t expect to talk for hours on end without stopping. More like, be prepared to sit in silence for hours upon end without talking.

88)      Make sure you are on the same page with things. Interests are funny things. Many people share interests, but there are some people who have specifically unique interests that cannot be shared. I have very unique interests. I love sport to the extent that I am a fanatic about it. I am also very interested in ancient civilizations. Now to find a girl that has the same level of interest as me is hard. And if you cant. You will be able to communicate for the first week, and then it’s the one word answers.

Relationships are hard work at the best of times, but to date the female version of Sheldon Cooper is another beast altogether. Internet dating is definitely not for everyone. One thing you do need is a well-planned exit strategy.  Talk and get to know her on whatsapp or BBM. There is a great function on these apps called: Block contacts.

It’s like bug spray on steroids. Because sometimes you use bug spray and they just keep coming back at you. With block contacts, only you can unblock them, and why would you if they are bat shit crazy?

Is there hope for people who are single in their 30s? Of course there is. You just can’t use the same tactics you did when you were 20. At 20, you wanted to bang anything that had beautiful eyes, a cute smile, and licked her lips seductively. At 30 you need to be a bit more selective. Look for inner beauty as opposed to outer beauty. Because if shed is smoking hot…but single at 30, someone kicked her to the curb for a reason.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Are the Brazilian champions trained by Superman?

Salamu

Well, what can we say about UFC 169 that hasn’t already been said in the international press?

Well, let’s start with the fact that it was a FRIGGEN AWESOME event which lived up to all of its expectations. I mean, what else can you expect from a card which features two of the best fighters in the business today in Renen Barão and José Aldo?  Um, maybe let’s throw in a former two time Heavyweight Champion in Frank Mir as well as an up-and-coming star in Ali Bagautinov.

Ladies and Gentlemen…sit back and enjoy the latest edition of The Rear Naked Choke.

One of the best fights I have ever seen in my life was at UFC 166 where Gilbert Melendez and Diego Sanchez unloaded on each other for five rounds. The result was one of the bloodiest fights in MMa history, but also one of the best. The great thing about it was that the punches that Melendez and Sanchez were throwing at each other were not technical punches, but rather what did you say about my mother punches.

The first fight of UFC 169 between Abel Trujillo and Jamie Varner proved to be the same. As usual, the

fighters spent much of the first round feeling each other out. And then Trujillo unleashed fury on Varner that few have ever seen. How Varner survived the round was a miracle, but he came out in the second round and paid Trujillo in kind. After spending 10 minutes with my jaw on the floor wondering if I was in a dream, Varner came out and almost knocked out Trujillo, but he got cocky and Trujillo caught him with a perfect overhand right which hit him square on the jaw. Varner hit the mat like a ton of bricks and the fight set the tone for the rest of the evening. How could any fight get close to that for fight of the night?

The next fight was between the man from Dagestan Ali Bagautinov and Brazilian James Lineker. The two fighters are known for their passion and the way they approach their fights. This was always going to be a tale of contrasting styles because Bagautinov is a stand up fighter while Lineker is a high level black belt in Brazialian Jujitsu. The first round was dominated by Bagautinov while Lineker completely turned it around in the second. It came down to the final round where Bagautinov threw Lineker around like a rag doll. 

Bagautinov won the fight and showed in the process that he is a force to be reckoned with in the flyweight division. He has high level combat sambo to back up his skills which is paving the way for a new breed of elite Russian fighters who are proving that wrestling is not the only backbone to a MMA fighter. For those of you who do not know where Dagastan is…it is in the South-Western corner of Mother Russia and is bordered by Georgia, Chechnya and Azerbaijan. Basically, if you blink your eyes, you will miss it.

We then move onto the main fights of the evening. Alistair Overeem took on the former two time Heavyweight champion Frank Mir. Like the Bagautinov fight, this fight was the stand up brawler (Overeem) versus the ground dominant (Mir). Overeem ended up winning the fight, but what impressed during the fight was that he paced himself well and didn’t gas out lie he did in his previous fight which was a loss against Travis Browne. In my opinion, Mir is over the hill and should hang up his gloves while he still has the respect of the dressing room.

The co-main event of the evening saw the UFC’s only Flyweight champion José Aldo take on the divisions third ranked fighter Ricardo Lamas. While Lamas came into the ring with a hairstyle that looked like the miniature version of Billy Ray Cyrus’ mullet, it looked like the boy could bang a bit. But Aldo came in and literally kicked the shit out of Lamas. Basically, if Lamas cut off Aldo’s legs, he would have won the fight. But he also would have won the fight if he managed to submit Aldo in the fifth round. Aldo was clearly struggling and spent the majority of the round on his back defending Lamas’ half mount. If Lamas had managed to do a bit more damage in earlier rounds, I think we would have seen a new Flyweight champion.

The main event of the evening was my boy Renen Barão versus Urijah Faber. This is going to be the shortest

write up because they came out, Barão caught him badly early in the first round and unloaded on Faber who was on his ass. Faber got out and Barão caught him again, but managed to get referee Herb Dean to stop the fight. There was a bit of controversy after the fight. Faber accused Dean (very gracefully I might add) of sloppy refereeing. Faber was on the floor and being hammered by Barão, Dean asked Faber to show he was ok and Faber gave Dean a thumbs up which was behind Barão’s leg. UM…FABER…HOW THE HELL IS DEAN SUPPOSED TO SEE THIS WHEN HE IS CLEARLY WATCHING YOUR OTHER HAND?

But Joe Rogan raised a great point at the end of the fight when he asked Faber where do you draw the line between getting hammered and still being ok as opposed to getting hammered and almost dying. And Faber answered the question beautifully when he said that the line is when a fighter’s lifeless body is on the mat. Faber clearly was still ok and had a firm grip on Barão’s leg. If his hold dropped, then fair enough, stop the fight. But Dean has a responsibility to have the fighter’s best interests at heart and he was just protecting Faber.

What UFC 169 proved to me, is that I am a bit of a doos and have a lot to learn about the sport. In my last edition of The Rear Naked Choke I slammed Brazilian fighters. And it seems I was amiss because Barão and Aldo are just head and shoulders above anyone else in the sport. Even above John Jones and Cain Velazquez. Barão and Aldo come out of the same training camp and they must be trained by a person who is the combination of Fedor Emelianenko and Superman. The combinations that these boys throw are amazing. One a fighter gets slightly behind against either Barão or Aldo, they might as well not answer the bell, because they are in for a long night of hidings.

And their record speaks for themselves. Barão has a winning streak of 21 fights and a title reign spanning 532 days. Aldo has a winning streak of 16 fights and has a title reign which spans 1141 days.  Simply amazing.

Awards (in my opinion)

Fight of the Night: Abel Trujillo vs Jamie Varner

Knockout of the Night: Abel Trujillo

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Growing up in South Africa

Salamu

So I turned 32 on Saturday. And while I am  by no means over the hill, or overly experienced at this whole

thing called life, I can say that I have lived a bit and have experienced things that some of my 30 year old friends haven’t.

One of the things I have to deal with on a fairly regular basis is stupid questions about South Africa. I meet people pretty often and some of them are introduced to me through friends I have in other countries. I was speaking to a friend in Northern Ireland one the weekend and one of the people he introduced me to asked me if we have lions as pets and what do we feed them. Another person, this time from Canada, asked me if Black People still walk around with chains around their necks as if they are slaves.

I thought that they were joking and I told them that I find their attempt at humor a bit dry for my liking…but humorous none the less. I was then devastated to find out that they were in fact being dead serious.

This prompted me to write this post: Growing up in South Africa.

I was born in 1982, so I only really grew up in the 90s. And the 90s in South Africa was an exciting time, Apartheid was coming to an end and a bunch of old farts who previously had a stranglehold on privileges in the country were coming to terms with the fact that these had to now in fact be shared out. A frightening thought indeed for these people. These people were easily identifiable, they always wore smart pants and button down shirts…even to the local super markets. At these supermarkets, they could be found in the aisle’s where the canned beef and baked beans were stocked. They would be buying R1 000 (which was quite alot in those days) worth of the stuff  to go with their R5 000 (a lifetimes supply) stock of candles. If they were not at the supermarket, they were in church praying that they be forgiven for their sins, or on their front yard porches cleaning out their shotguns and rifles.

I know that the majority of my posts are humorous…but this is not an attempt at that humor. I am in fact being quite serious.

The reason for this is that the National Party (the ruling political party at the time), had made the firm decision to release the late Nelson Mandela from prison. This would mean that democratic elections were inevitable and that the ANC would take over control. This was a frightening thought for the older white population as they feared an ANC apocalypse on white people similar to that of the zombie apocalypse seen on The Walking Dead. And this all had to do with the release of one man.

There was a lot of hype about the release of Nelson Mandela, and by the stories I was told of the man as a youngster….I was expecting a psycho crazed mad man with 35 bombs strapped to his chest and an AK47 in each hand to appear on the TV. I was quite surprised, and surprisingly disappointed, when a normal looking….older black man appeared on the TV. I walked up to my mom and grandfather and told them that they were full of shit for lying to me. Fast forward four years to the first elections and we saw lines at voting stations where people waited up to 5 hours to cast their vote. As with all countries, old people, disabled people and people with babies get put to the front of the cue. My cousin was three at the time, so we recycled her among all the family members at one voting station and then took her to another and passed her between 15 friends at other stations. That child had 19 mothers that day!

So while the 90s was a frightening time for the older white South Africans, it was a great time for younger white South Africans because we didn’t actually give a crap about blacks vs whites and racism and all of that bullshit. We just spent the time laughing at the old people telling them how full of shit they are…no matter what types of beatings we got as a result. Every bruise was worth it.

Then came the lifting of sanctions, and OH MY WORD it was like we were in heaven. We finally got to own a pair of Nike’s and Addidas! We also had access to television shows and movies which were banned under the old regime. MTV, VH1…..Rap Music….Motown. Lionel Richie could finally sing on the TV without someone passing a derogatory comment. James Brown could finally sing on the TV without someone throwing something at it. Stevie Wonder was still subjected to racist jokes about why he smiles all of the time.

Things got back to normal for us…but not for the rest of the world’s perception about South Africa. After university, I moved to Dubai for two years. If I had a dirham for every time an Englishman or Yank asked me a ridiculous question about South Africa, I would not be working in the corporate environment. I’d be sipping Pina Colada’s on a beach in the Maldives with not a care in the world. One guy even had the cheek to bring up apartheid and the fact that I ‘oppressed’ people in a job interview. Um….I was born at the end of apartheid and never oppressed anyone. Take your head out of your pompous English arse and live in the real world you prick.

And because of our political stability, which was due largely to the wise leadership of Mandela, the country opened its borders to tourists who had a blast because of the strength of their currencies vs ours. And it’s always amusing to see people walking around Johannesburg city on edge because they weren’t quite sure if there was still a chance of an ANC apocalypse on white people similar to that of the zombie apocalypse seen on The Walking Dead. Others, like the Americans, were arrogant enough to walk up to black people, hug them, and then proclaim: You’re free my brother! To which the black person would push him away and say: Voetsak Mlungu!

For those who don’t speak South African…please allow me to translate that statement. Voetsak is Afrikaans and is equivalent to telling someone to f##k off in English. Mlungu is Zulu which is a derogatory term used towards white people. It quite literally means sea scum and is used to describe both actual sea scum and white people because our forefathers came to South Africa by sea.

What is it like living in South Africa today? The ANC has been in charge for 20 years this year and black people are still calling white people baas (boss) or master not because they are forced to…but because it is so ingrained into them. And when you say to them: you are free…I am not your boss or master, they say: Sorry baas. But we can also have a laugh about racism as well. I regularly refer to any black male I come across as brother and I get a huge smile and warm service. When a black cop stops me, I roll down my window and ask: is it because I am black? My success rate of getting out of fines by using this statement currently stands at 56. The cops just laugh at me and let me go because I made them smile.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

I am Ragnar Lothbrok...and you will bow before me!

Salamu

SOME PEOPLE YOU KNOW THEY DON’T BELIEVE…..JAMAICA – WE HAVE A BOBSLED TEAM!

While this post is found under the series critique label and will mostly deal with the discovery of an awesome

new series, as well as an existing one that I don’t know why I hadn’t watched until now, I need to make mention of the fact that one of my favourite nationals is going to be attempting to fly their nations flag high at the upcoming Sochi Winter Olympics.

As you can gather by my intro, Jamaica has qualified yet again for the bobsled event at this year’s games. But unlike in 1988 where the Rasta Island competed in the four man event, this year the island nation qualified for the two man event.

What I find awesome about this story, besides the fact that they have qualified for the games, is that they crowd sourced all of the money that they needed to go to the games. If this does not highlight the potential of the internet as a reliable funding method which can seriously rival that of dabbling in the stock market, then I don’t know what my name is or my gender for that matter.

And now, onto the main purpose of my post. Since the last episodes of Homeland and Sons of Anarchy, I have been desperate for a new series to keep me intrigued until Dallas and Game Thrones starts again. So I was looking around and came across The Musketeers which is a British produced series loosely based on the works of that insanely talented (although quite eccentric) Frenchman, Alexandre Dumas. The first episode sees Cardinal Richelieu hatching a diabolical plot to discredit the Musketeers with King Louis XIII and to plunge France into civil war. This is done by framing one of the most prominent Musketeers, Athos. Athos, Pathos and Aramis must not only prove Athos’ innocence, but they have to fight off the vengeful thoughts of D'Artagnan who thought that Athos killed his father.

I have always had MAD LOVE for the Musketeers so perhaps I am a bit biased when I say that a series such as this is long overdue. The action is good, the women are beautiful and the plots are easy to follow. And the fact that D'Artagnan is having an affair with the woman Athos is going depro over sets the series up for an ironic twist. D'Artagnan wanted to kill Athos in the first episode over an imagined crime, later in the series Athos will no doubt want to kill D'Artagnan over a proven offense. Fascinating Stuff Indeed!

However if one had to be critical, there are some flaws. The fact that it is an all English cast is slightly off-putting when one considers that the majority of the story will be based in either France or Spain. So if you can look past a bunch of poms posing as Frenchmen, the biggest hurdle of the series is already overcome. While the plot is easy to follow, this could be a double edged sword. There are times when one wants to watch a show with a complicated plot, like CSI, and there are times when you want to just zone out with a series where you won’t have to think too much. But the hallmark of a good series is to make each episode end in a cliff hanger so that you would get a consistently good viewership every week. Perhaps I will be surprised, but I don’t see that from The Musketeers.

There are some critics who are overly critical though. Jim Shelley, who writes for the Daily Mail, heavily criticised the programme, saying: "The Musketeers didn't take itself too seriously but was still so bad it bordered on self-parody" and that "the quality of the sub-plots hardly merited its 9pm slot in the schedule rather than (like Merlin or Robin Hood) much earlier.

Please do me a favor you pompous twat. Please take your head out your ass and just appreciate the fact that the Brits have finally unearthed a series which is worthwhile watching. Just think…no more will I have to be subjected to bullshit about Monty Python or The Black Adder. And don’t get me started on what I think of that utter rubbish you call Doctor Who.

The second series that I have watched is Vikings and I could absolutely kick myself for not watching it sooner. The reason I didn’t was that I thought there were more than nine episodes in the season. But apparently, there was only nine. And the second season is coming up, so I had to watch it.

I am Ragnar Lothbrok...and you will bow before me!

OH MY LEATHERY SACK…WHAT A SERIES not only is it a historical series (which is right up my ally), but it is about a warrior race who were thought to be savage barbarians who never had a brain cell between them. However, Ragnar Lothbrok is proving to be a strong character who is very calculating. He does have his flaws, sleeping with beautiful women while being married to a lady most men would give their left ball sack to be with, but then so do all protagonists: Jax Teller, Tyrion Lannister, Carrie Mathison. What is a series without an imperfect protagonist?

What I am looking forward to in the new series is how Ragnar, who is aligned with King Horik, will respond to the rebellion of Earl Borg which now includes Rollo who is Ragnar’s brother. Perhaps now Ragnar will be kicking himself over the fact that he trusted his brother enough to not make him swear on his arm ring.

The only critique I have of the series is its paganism. Yes I understand that the Vikings were pagans, but I did struggle watching the episode which included the rituals at the temple of Uppsala. In fact, I didn’t finish watching that episode.

Some steamy Khaleesi action wont hurt

And then there is that disgusting Viking ritual of passing around a bowl of water. The warriors wash their hands, and then they take a sip of water to wash their mouths out…which they spit back into the bowl, they then blow their noses into the bowl before it is passed onto the next warrior who follows the same process. I first came across this in The 13^th Warrior, and the look on Antonio Banderas’ face was priceless and basically said what we all felt at that moment without saying one word.

Dallas will need to be interesting if they are looking to extend the series beyond this third season and Game of Thrones probably won’t have to do much to prove its utter awesomeness. However, a few steamy scenes with Khaleesi or one of my all-time favourites – Natalie Dormer – won’t hurt.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!