I am stumped

Salamu

Have you ever sat and wondered whether there is an unwritten language that men and women have? A language which is audible…yet indistinguishable by the other party.

  I dont want you to do that.
That was a soft no BTW

I am faced with this question today after spending the greater part of the evening with a girl I am really fond

of. Things got a bit tender and we ended up kissing. I tried to steer the evening into other activities, but she was not keen. And no, the activities were not sex related. After trying my luck a couple of times, I relented.

Predictably I got the firm talking to I deserved by the girl who spelled out what exactly it was she was not impressed with. I can see her point as immediately after she went home last night I was feeling guilty. Yet, just after the firm talking to, she told me that she was not fighting with me…we were merely discussing an area of concern.

When I explained this to a female friend of mine who is always available to lend an ear to my concerns, she said that while I was wrong - I was not completely wrong. She then explained the concept of the ‘soft no’. This is a no that women give their men when they want them to stop something, but not really.

She then asked me a few simple questions. The first question she asked was whether the girl was fighting with me, or if we were talking about the situation in a relatively calm manner. Well, the girl that I like already pointed out that we were merely talking and not fighting. The next question my friend asked was whether we were talking. Because if the girl I liked was really pissed off with me, she would not be talking to me at all.

If there is the concept of the ‘soft no’ to me it is bladdy ridiculous. I mean, as I found out last night, when you are caught up in the heat of the moment…there is little time to sit and think: is this a ‘soft no’ or a ‘serious no’. 

This is an area of concern in that unnecessary accusations, which are based on partial truths, can very easily be thrown around in these instances. It is then very easy to paint the person in a specific light. If a guy is getting passionate with a girl and a ‘soft no’ is given, and the guy stops…then he is not that into her. Or if the situation is discussed the next day, the guy could be accused of having no respect. From the girl’s perspective, the main thing is that the guy would be entirely justified of accusing the girl of being a manipulator. Why establish lines and boundaries which you don’t want to be broken, but don’t want them to exist either?

Apparently guys are not easy to work out either. There are a lot of non-relationship matters that we can discuss here, but because this post is specifically regarding relationships, we shall not deviate from the topic. One of the aspects of men which women cat figure out is why men have specific girl types. The common question here is: why do you always want to categorise a person? But it is genetics. One guy will be attracted to tall blonde women with a body fit as a butchers dog while another guy will be attracted to medium height brunette girls who have bubble buts and a good asset portfolio. And to us, interests and likes can be developed during the relationship. It doesn’t matter if there is an initial connection in that sense or not. And guys will overlook failings in certain aspects if they make up for it in other aspects.

Guys also overthink certain things, an aspect which I am very guilty of. Everything might be alright between a guy and a girl after a disagreement, but if the communication is not the same as it always is the day after the disagreement – in the guy’s mind there is automatically something wrong.  Guys also always want to be fixers. For me, there is nothing more frustrating than being cross with someone and not trying to come to a resolution to the matter. That person you are fighting with must either be your friend (as they were before the fight) or your enemy, in which case they must completely cut you out of their life.

It’s funny how this post evolved from finding out if a certain concept exists to trying to discuss some of the issues every guy and girl has with relationships. I suppose this just reaffirms the fact that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship just as there is no relationship where both parties don’t work extremely hard at it.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!