Salamu
Have you ever sat and wondered whether there is an unwritten
language that men and women have? A language which is audible…yet indistinguishable
by the other party.
I dont want you to do that. That was a soft no BTW |
I am faced with this question today after spending the
greater part of the evening with a girl I am really fond
of. Things got a bit
tender and we ended up kissing. I tried to steer the evening into other
activities, but she was not keen. And no, the activities were not sex related. After
trying my luck a couple of times, I relented.
Predictably I got the firm talking to I deserved by the girl
who spelled out what exactly it was she was not impressed with. I can see her
point as immediately after she went home last night I was feeling guilty. Yet,
just after the firm talking to, she told me that she was not fighting with me…we
were merely discussing an area of concern.
When I explained this to a female friend of mine who is
always available to lend an ear to my concerns, she said that while I was wrong
- I was not completely wrong. She then explained the concept of the ‘soft no’.
This is a no that women give their men when they want them to stop something,
but not really.
She then asked me a few simple questions. The first question
she asked was whether the girl was fighting with me, or if we were talking
about the situation in a relatively calm manner. Well, the girl that I like
already pointed out that we were merely talking and not fighting. The next
question my friend asked was whether we were talking. Because if the girl I liked
was really pissed off with me, she would not be talking to me at all.
If there is the concept of the ‘soft no’ to me it is bladdy ridiculous.
I mean, as I found out last night, when you are caught up in the heat of the
moment…there is little time to sit and think: is this a ‘soft no’ or a ‘serious
no’.
This is an area of concern in that unnecessary accusations,
which are based on partial truths, can very easily be thrown around in these
instances. It is then very easy to paint the person in a specific light. If a
guy is getting passionate with a girl and a ‘soft no’ is given, and the guy
stops…then he is not that into her. Or if the situation is discussed the next
day, the guy could be accused of having no respect. From the girl’s
perspective, the main thing is that the guy would be entirely justified of
accusing the girl of being a manipulator. Why establish lines and boundaries
which you don’t want to be broken, but don’t want them to exist either?
Apparently guys are not easy to work out either. There are a
lot of non-relationship matters that we can discuss here, but because this post
is specifically regarding relationships, we shall not deviate from the topic. One
of the aspects of men which women cat figure out is why men have specific girl
types. The common question here is: why do you always want to categorise a
person? But it is genetics. One guy will be attracted to tall blonde women with
a body fit as a butchers dog while another guy will be attracted to medium
height brunette girls who have bubble buts and a good asset portfolio. And to
us, interests and likes can be developed during the relationship. It doesn’t matter
if there is an initial connection in that sense or not. And guys will overlook
failings in certain aspects if they make up for it in other aspects.
Guys also overthink certain things, an aspect which I am
very guilty of. Everything might be alright between a guy and a girl after a
disagreement, but if the communication is not the same as it always is the day
after the disagreement – in the guy’s mind there is automatically something
wrong. Guys also always want to be
fixers. For me, there is nothing more frustrating than being cross with someone
and not trying to come to a resolution to the matter. That person you are
fighting with must either be your friend (as they were before the fight) or
your enemy, in which case they must completely cut you out of their life.
It’s funny how this post evolved from finding out if a
certain concept exists to trying to discuss some of the issues every guy and
girl has with relationships. I suppose this just reaffirms the fact that there
is no such thing as a perfect relationship just as there is no relationship
where both parties don’t work extremely hard at it.
Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!
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