Swine Flu and Cops

Good Morning.

So the big thing at the moment is the Swine Flu virus. Although it is a virus that is likely to kill a lot of people, society has tried to see the lighter side of the virus.

It really didn’t take long for jokes to come out about the Swine Flu and the PO PO, the best one I heard was this heavy Dutchman from the East Rand go on Highveld Stereo and ask: “If this Pig Flu virus are so bat, then does that mean that all the Cops arrest dieing?”

Imagine a world without cops? Granted society would be plunged into total anarchy because the basic security system has been broken down, but how good is the basic security system in South Africa really?

	N.W.A. - Fuck Tha Police
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My fascination with the cops came after watching a programme on soccer hooliganism. Basically the scene was a bunch of drunk Scots causing havoc in London Chanting: LETS GO FING MENTAL! LETS GO FING MENTAL. A cop then tries to calm them down when the Scots chant: WE AINT GOING NOWHERE! WE AINT GOING NOWHERE.

Everyone has had at least one run in with the law at some stage of his or her life. Here are some of mine:

October 2002
Setting: M&A in the Glen shopping centre.
Me and a mate (I wont mention any names to protect innocent parties) were getting a bit molar at M&A when my mate announces that we should go and visit Teazers. So the three of us go in 2 separate cars. Approaching Teazers in Rivonia can be a bit of a task as the circle is a bit big and very daunting when you have a nervous drunk like my friend behind the wheel. We took a turn at the Sheiks Palace and wanted to do a quick detour down a one way road. The distance was 20 metres, It was 12 at night and the likelihood of anyone being on that road at that time was slim. So we turn up the road and stare down the face of a cop car! He flipps on the siren and tells us to pull off the road. So we pull off and a cop come to the drivers window and tell us how dangerous is was what we did. No his suspicion is up and he asks us where we were going. To Zurised to say we were going to Teazers we lied and told him we looking for a friend who is lost. He asked us where and we told him We don’t know.

Anyway 30 minutes later he says to us that we are lying to him and he will have to take us to the station. So we said we going to Teazers. The bastard cop bursts out laughing and tells us: “Boys, its not a sin to go to Teazers.” He told us how to get there and we got off scot-free.

August 2005
Setting: Gas Station in Al Barsha Dubai During Ramadaan.

After a night out on the piss at a mates house I stop off at a garage and buy a Subway sandwich. On my way to work I decide that I want to eat it cause I am hungry! HUGE MISTAKE! A cop car stops next to me, rolls down his window and goes off at me in Arabic. At the time, hungover and 3 months in Dubai, my Arabic was limited to: MUFI ARABIA (no Arabic – meaning I don’t understand you sir). He tells me in his broken English that I must come with him to the station. I really didn’t want to until he pulled out the cuffs. So I followed him there and he took me to the station commander. The station commander hears the cops complaint and looks at me and says: Do you know its Ramadaan? I say yes but I’m not Muslim. He asked if I work in Dubai and How long I have been there. I told him 3 months and he was very understanding and told me that although I am not Muslim eating in public during Ramadaan is illegal, even for non Muslims. He gave me a warning and apologised for any inconvenience that I was caused.

October 2005
Setting: SAFA Park Um Al Quain Dubai.

A few mates and me were having a BBQ in Safa park and drinking a bit. I wasn’t drinking as I was driving. But I had to take a pissed friend home. Driving with a drunk passenger is illegal in Dubai, unless you a taxi, so I told her to behave. As we approach cop cars at the entrance of Saffa park, she rolls down the window and screams at the top of her voice: ‘You cant take me back to jail, Im not going back” Before the cops saw who it was I pulled into a side street, dragged her into the backseat and got the hell out of there.

Ok Fine! Im a hooligan when I drink!

Everyone has a go at the cops. Particularly because they can be a bunch of miserable bastards! That prime example of British society: A one Mr Ali G has a go at the cops often!


Ali G Dangerous Weapons - The most popular videos are here

Crisis? What crisis?

Good Monday people!

Actually, Mondays are very slow for me. It takes the Lion of Lebanon at least 2 hours at work to become remotely productive.

Anyway what a weekend.

I tend to agree with Bradley Geldenhuys’ sentiment that the financial crisis is a bunch of horse shit! I went punting on Friday night, a typical Lebanese past time, and was shocked with what I saw.

Sitting on the roulette table at Gold Reef City Casino, I exchanged my money for chips and gave myself a few rounds to have a look at how the Sharmoot Hubid was spinning the wheel and what numbers were falling. While I was observing, a rich Indian Man, with his 52 gold chains around his neck a gold bicycle chain on his arm and a gold ring on every finger, took out 10 grand and threw it on the table.

Now I’m not used to seeing money like that casually thrown around, unless its at the purchase of a parcel of Gwesh, be that as it may, the bloke got his chips and he proceeded to play as if he owned the table.

Clearly the concept of cautiousness doesn’t apply to him as me with my R250 worth of chips lasted longer then him.


I left the table and came back to have another go at the table and as I sat down, the larney came back and threw another 5 grand on the table. He was a bit luckier the second time around as when I left he was about 2 grand up.

I don’t really go to the Casino’s with the expectation of winning big, the main reason is for the atmosphere. You would think that during a financial crisis like the one that we are apparently in, people would be more cautious with their money! Fat chance of that my friends! All of the roulette tables were packed as was the blackjack tables, the machines were buzzing and the smoking section of the casino looked like the cemetary scene of Michael Jackson’s thriller with all of the mist! Mind you, a few of the Eldarado Park massive walked out there with eyes glazed over like the zombies from the said music video!

The rugby never went well! I think I only called one game correctly! YES YES I know the Sharks lost. Stop the SMS’ please! I K.N.O.W W.E. L.O.S.T! But at least we never fell apart like the Lions! I cant say that I couldn’t see it coming after the first 20 minutes. For a change the Stormers forwards finally figured out that they can actually play rugby! They were nothing short of awesome!

Liverpool blew the Reds away! If they play like this for the rest of the season then they could very well win the league!

I have stated on a number of occasions that the Lebanese love themselves! And its all very well if the girls love themselves, because frankly there is nothing nicer then a dolled up raven haired, olive skinned, hazel eyed beauty in a push up bra with stiletto high heels prancing around! But when the men love themselves and advocate it, there’s a problem!

I had my first encounter with this in high school. At the time, Fabian Khalil used to be a mainer at the Bassonia gym. He was loosing his hair and proud of it! He used to walk around the gym, stop unsuspecting ladies and ask: “Don’t you think I look a little bit like BRUCE WILLIS!” Although this is weird, you would think that was limited to the gym, but it wasn’t.

The top spot for jauling in those days was Night Fever in Fourways. One night there, before getting horribly molar, I was at the bar, and out the corner of the ear I heard, “Yes I know I look like Bruce Willis, I must admit, I’m only now getting used to the attention I get!” Strues Bob, I turn around and Fabian is Zurising himself around a number of girls!

That was nearly 10 years ago.

The latest incident of molar loving oneself happened at Santroghey this weekend! And I called it on Friday!

Warren Jaffa you legendary oak! I saw him at church on Sunday night and usually he gives me some sop story of how he is never going to drink again, and how he got on the bar counter to dance! This Sunday he tells me that he has to ask for forgiveness in church because at Santroghey on Saturday night, WARREN JAFFA, was getting dead molar, danced on the bar counter, THEN TOOK HIS SHIRT OFF, walked around the club asking girls: “Don’t you think it’s a bit nippy in here!?”

STONE COLD ZURIS!

Speaking of Zuris’, Zumatello was on the campaign trail this weekend and hit the churches! Today on Highveld Stereo he was bitching and moaning about why the public are pissed off with him campaigning at churches!

Now its all very well that you campaign at the churches and I am all for it, provided that try and bring back church values into the way you run your country. But when you walk into a Christian church and start advocating abortion and same sex marriages, you are going to get STUFFED UP! That’s how to loose votes 101!

We need to welcome a new follower to the Lions Den! Big up Ms Kerry Arrow, you legendary girl!

Welcome to the Jungle: The madness continues

As I said in an earlier post, Johannesburg must be one of the most entertaining cities in the world to live in.

The askria have really made conscious effort to clamp down on Doos taxi drivers who want to put everyone else’s life in danger just so that they can fit in an extra fare that day. Over the past few days in the CBD, the Metro Askria have been stopping taxi drivers and checking their licenses for outstanding fines. And should the wankers drive like shit, going through red robots or driving in the yellow lines, they are arrested on the spot.

Law and due process states that should you break the law you will be punished accordingly. And the taxi drivers have mixed emotions of quietly shitting themselves or rage. Listening to Highveld Stereo this morning one of the bastard taxi drivers goes off in his native language saying that he was stopped and arrested for skipping a red light, but he will be let back on the streets again and he will drive the same.

Now I am very sorry, but this bastard should be locked up and the key should be thrown away. But then again, who is to blame in this situation? Its not the taxi driver's fault that he has shit for brains. So the blame has to has to either be vested with the owner of the taxi company for hiring this rocket scientist or the askria for not locking this man up in a hole and forgetting about his existence!

This massive, and somewhat ambitious, campaign started on Tuesday. The askria arrested 8 drivers and were transporting them to the JHB Magistrates Court. When the unmarked transportation van stropped at a robot in Ntemi Piliso Street, the bastard taxi drivers kicked the door of the van out and ran away into the mist, never to be seen again. Michael Schofield would have been proud!

Its funny how South African celebrities have the nack of making themselves look like utter chops. Again, listening to the news on Highveld Stereo, Big Brother 1 contestant Bradford “Bad Brad” Wood was reportedly seen in Orange Grove yesterday taking pot shots at hoodlums who were running away from a botched cash in transit heist. Wood apparently stopped at a red robot at an opposite street when he saw the thing transpire before him, so he took out his gat and started gun-toting. He was on the radio this morning admitting to his gun toting brilliance and complained that he doesn’t understand why the cops want a statement from him, he was being a good citizen. Just a word of advise Brad, YOU CANT GUN TOTE IN A BUSY INTERSECTION UNLESS YOU ARE (A) A COP, (B) AFFILIATED WITH A SECURITY COMPANY, OR (C)HAVING YOUR LIFE THREATENED. This is not Texas!

For those who haven’t followed the rise to fame of Bad Brad: After being voted out of Big Brother 1 he made a million rand and then started a security company. Between 2007 and 2008, Bad Brad was on the radio once a month bitching and moaning about how some oak f’d him up in the car park of a night club! In late 2007, he started a political party.

It seems like the South African rocket scientist of the year 2008, ANC Youth League President Julias Malema, is not the dumb c#%t we think he is. He was seen leaving Prime Media’s offices yesterday with 3 cars from the blue light brigade, an unmarked Range Rover, and an unmarked Audi Q 7. Apparently the Q 7, the car transporting Malema, was seen doing wheel spins when pulling off. Perhaps he was rushing home to catch up on his Grade 12 maths with William Smith on the Learning Channel!

And finally, this is a classic! On Whackhead’s Window on the World, which will from now on be referred to Doosheads Window on the World and Dooshead Simpson, Dooshead played a clip of an equally dumb c#%t in Wales. This bastard went to a supermarket and purchased a frozen Pizza which was to be his dinner. After opening it he found the pizza had no toppings on, it was just a base, no tomato sauce, no cheese, fek all. So he phoned the supermarkets call center and laid a complaint. After giving the attendant copious amounts of lip and asking him to phone pizza hut to deliver him a pizza, he realises that he opened the pizza upside down and the pizza did in fact have toppings on!

WHAT A DOOS!