Christmas Carols and Women Kicking Men in the Balls

Salamu

Just because I wished everyone well for the Holidays, it doesn’t mean that it is my last post for the year. At the end of the day…I am still in the office or the next few hours and need something to do.

The topics today are old classics. Christmas Carols (yes Christmas Carols) and pick up lines, but I question if they really work.

Before everyone accuses me of being the Grinch and Ebenezer Scrooge, let me just state for the record that I actually quite like Christmas time. Not only are we on holiday from work, but it is a time when everyone is generally nicer to each other and we can have a good old laugh about things. It is also a two week period where telemarketers (a PET HATE of mine) leave you the hell alone. It is also a time where you spend time at church reflecting on the miraculous birth of a baby who would give his life for mankind. You also get to spend a few days being drunk with family and a few days being drunk and hurling abuse at cricket players. This year it is the turn of the Indians, and I am not working! Ishant Sharma is going to curse the day they put him at fine leg or deep third man at Kingsmead this year! I WILL POST PICS IN JAN!

But let’s get into it. And let the hating on me start…But I cannot stand Christmas Carols! I don’t know what it is about them, I just do not like them. But it is not your traditional Silent Nights or O Come all Ye Faithful….it’s the bladdy I saw Mommy Kissing Santa Clause and Do They Know Its Christmas Afterall. There is just something about them that pisses me right off.

I suppose you just can only take so much of hearing people sing about shit. Highveld Stereo (the local radio

station here in Johannesburg) were playing a Christmas song every morning I think from the beginning of October. And it was nice at the start. But since the beginning of December I just put the car radio on mute because I couldn’t take it any more. NO MORE!

There are some great Christmas Tunes though. Boney M is always good and so it Dean Martin. The thing with Dean Martin is that he was to pissed all the time to try and get fancy with his singing. He just sang as he was supposed to. And while we are on the topic of drunks, probably the best Christmas tune is by an Irish band called The Pogoues and it is called The Fairytale of New York. The song is about this drunk Irishman who is locked up in The Drink Tank and reminiscing about a girl who he is in love with.

And what’s an Irish ditty without the lead singer sounding dead molar and the featured female artist insulting him. I cut and paste the third verse for you below.

You´re a bum you´re a punk

You´re an old slut on junk

Lying there almost dead on a drip in that bed

You scumbag you maggot

You cheap lousy faggot

Happy Christmas your arse I pray god it´s our last.

This is exactly why I love the Irish, they just don’t give a shit! They will say exactly what they want when they want to. They also never take life to seriously either. Here is the song:

 The Pogues Feat. Kirsty MacColl - Fairytale Of New York

Powered by www.Mp3Olimp.net

Moving right along…I ask the question: Do pickup lines really work? I have dealt with this last year, and it was a bit of a balls up because it was just dealing with the heaviness of pickup lines. This time I am dealing with the question of if they work.

Well obviously if you are going to walk up to a girl and say: Do you have a bit of Lebenese in you? Well do you want some? You are either going to be laughed at, have a drink thrown at you, or kicked in the balls. Those are your options. There are just some pickup lines that will never work…EVER! Don’t try them.

However there are some that do work. One of my favourites is: Do you have a twin sister? When she says no, than you say: well then you are the most beautiful girl in the world. If she does have a twin sister…then you are unfortunately fucked. Another one is: You know, seeing your beautiful eyes is the second most perfect thing about this evening. When she asks what’s the first you say: seeing you smile. Trust me…it’s a winner.

There are also certain occasions where you use pickup lines and certain occasions where you don’t. - Don’t use it at a bar or club. She is probably with her girlfriends, and when a group of girls are out together they switch to super bitch mode. Also, you are probably drunk or she will accuse you of being drunk. And having an argument about your level of sobriety is not a way to start a relationship.

Don’t use it at church. It is not the time or place for this.

Do use it after establishing a basic friendship with the girl. You have then asked her out to dinner or coffee. This is the time to use it. You see, there is no hard and fast rule that a pickup line must be used at the first meeting. Because technically, you haven’t picked the girl up before or during the coffee or dinner date. Use the pickup line more as a deal clincher.

Some girls will be very receptive to pickup lines and some will laugh at you, throw their drink on you, and then kick you in the balls. You just have to accept the fact that this is going to happen and you don’t know what you are going to get. It’s sort of like when Diego Sanchez walk into the Octagon, you just don’t know what type of a fight you are going to get.  

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Sons of Anarchy is the best series ever made

Warning: This post may contain spoilers of Sons of Anarchy Season 6. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED!

THANK YOU! AND GOD BLESS!

Salamu

It has come to my attention that I have come across the most epic television series of all time. And while it will never rival the legendary Dallas as one of the television programmes with the most episodes of all time, Sons of Anarchy is quite possibly one of the most realistic series of all time and its creator Kurt Sutter is a bladdy genius and deserves an Oscar, an Emmy, a Pulitzer Prize and a Nobel Prize for literature.

While I am fully aware that I may not have to correct qualifications to give an educated opinion on the series, I am fully aware of my constitutional (and human) right to voice my opinion. And besides, the people who critique movies and television shows for a living are full of shit anyway and don’t know how to give a proper opinion on things anyway.

After cottoning on to the series in 2011, I was not prepared for the most realistic roller coaster of human emotions that the series would put me on. From the humble beginnings of the turf war with the Mayans, to dealing with the Nords, to rampaging through Belfast to rescue the kidnapped Abel, to dealing with RICO, to dealing with the Clay situation, I have been glued to my screen and completely fascinated by the development of the various characters and the role that they play in the series.

But nothing…not one damn thing could have prepared me for Season 6.

We knew that this was going to be a make or break season for the series as something needed to come to a head in order to bring viewers back to the series. Gone are the days where we have endless seasons of a series. It seems that they have a life span of five seasons, and then you start losing viewers.

The end of Season Five set the scene perfectly for season six, Clay was incarcerated for the murder of Damon Pope (a murder that he was framed for by Jax and Tigg), and Tara was incarcerated for her part in the murder of a correctional services nurse by Otto Delaney. So clearly Clay had an axe to grind while Tara wanted to distance herself and her boys from Gemma and the Club.

This was the basis of Season Six. Tara’s arrest was a defining moment in her relationship with the club as it was the last straw which broke the camel’s back she had enough of the Club and its bullshit and she has gone into the mode that every mother goes into, she needs to make major sacrifices to save her boys. Some thinks that her whole outlook of wanting to divorce Jax was due to her falling out of love with him. But in fact, it was just the opposite. All through the series you can see she is still desperately in love with Jax, and she so wants to be there for him. But she questions his ability to be a good role model for their sons. We all know that Jax himself never wanted to turn out the way that he did, but his history with the club and his election to its Presidency turned him. Abel and Thomas share that same history with the club and Tara was scared that the same fate was in store for them. The apple never does fall far from the tree.

She also didn’t want to turn in the club because she had the outlook of: Fuck all you guys, you have burned me so now I am going to burn you. She wanted to turn in the club to get immunity from prison. If she did jail time for conspiracy to murder that nurse, custody of the kids would go to Jax who is still significantly controlled by Gemma, who Tara believes is Satan reborn.

Everything that Tara did during the season was for her kids. The sacrifices she made, the schemes she tried to execute, the distance she put between herself and Jax were all for her kids. She transformed herself from the cute tabby cat to the tiger that she ended up becoming because of the threat to her kids.

Let it just be stated for the record that she was still as hot as shit. She will be missed during Season 7.

Clay had to die. It was decided during Season Four, Season Five and now in Season Six. We all knew it was coming.

The person you really feel sorry for is Jax. The opening of the Season Six Finale encapsulates it all: I hate what I have become, there are times when I must go for weeks without looking in the mirror because I am scared that I will smash it and cut my face with the broken shards of my reflection.

This was the entry into his journal at the beginning of the finale. And every  move that he has made since returning from Belfast has been to push the club towards earning cash in a legitimate manner and to move away from the violence and killings that running drugs and guns has brought the club. However, the drugs and guns is too big an earner for the IRA and the other organisations like the Mayans, the Niners and the Chinese for the guns to stop. And because the Sons have the network to run the drugs and guns effectively, these organisations are putting Jax under pressure and are sabotaging his plans.

Jax is caught between a rock and a hard place, he wants to move away from guns but he can’t because of the events I just described above. Coupled with this he has Tara doing what she needs to do to survive and the cops so far up his ass after a school shooting in the first episode. There are times when you can see the pure frustration in Jax’s face that can only come from a person who does not know what else to do to make things right.

Now for the finale, and it is at this point that I want to point out and reiterate my spoiler disclaimer above.

Sutter has once again outdone himself and has set the scene perfectly for Season 7. Jax agrees to hand himself over to the authorities in order for Tara to look after the boys and raise them away from the violence and bullshit that club business has brought into their homes. Gemma turns out to be the devil that Tara thought she was by brutally killing her. Sherriff Rooseveld is about to turn in Gemma but gets shot by Juice. Jax arrives at the home to turn himself in and sees the two bodies in the kitchen. He breaks down and holds Tara’s body when the District Attorney walks in and sees Jax, the two bodies and Jax’s gun (which was not used in the murders) on the floor.

So, Season 7. It will be a fitting end to the series because of a few things:

-         - Who will raise Abel and Thomas, Jax will be going to jail for RICO and possibly double murder after the DA walks in on a crime scene that he supposedly was responsible for. Everything that Tara fought so hard for turned to shit and the boys will either be raised by Gemma or Wendy.

-         - Will Gemma be brought to justice for her murder of Tara?

-         - Will Nero turn out like Jax after agreeing to head up the Stockton chapter of the Mayans?

-          - Who will die?

It’s a pity that we will have to wait until September 2014 to find this out. But one thing is for sure. Sutter never disappoints, and we should strap ourselves in for an emotional roller coaster.

It is at this time I would like to wish all of my fans a Happy Festive Season. Thank you for your support throughout the year and I hope to have your continued support in 2014.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Beating the December Blues

Salamu

We all know that feeling. It’s the end of the year…and you are quite frankly sick and tired of bullshit. You wake up every day thinking that this is a good day to hit someone and you actually get out of the car when a taxi cuts you off on the road. Yip my friend…you have the December Blues. A condition which only lasts two weeks at the beginning of December before you take that long deserved summer vacation. But don’t let the length of time fool you…because those two weeks will be the longest in your life.

The worst about the December Blues is that you absolutely cant asked to be doing any serious work. Let’s face it: you've being doing it the whole year for fuck sakes…surely they can understand your go-slow attitude. But the fact is that you still have to go to work during December until they close.

So what do you do to entertain yourself while trying to look busy at work? Well, when I was working at my first job after I got back from Dubai, we found some online quizzes that we spent the whole of Office December doing. I tell you, these were the shit! I loved them! Here is the link so I can spread some love: http://www.netquizzes.com/

Another way to pass the time is to read some entertaining articles. I came across this one yesterday about the worlds weirdest dictators. It is very amusing and cracked.com is a highly recommended site in my opinion.  There are a lot of profiles of the dictators in this article. But I’ll just include one:

Francisco Macias Nguema -- President of Equatorial Guinea

The son of a witch doctor, Nguema started with the humble position of mayor before becoming president of Equatorial Guinea in 1968. He banned the word "intellectual," shut down private schools and drove educated people out of his country because he had some sort of vendetta against book learning. Then he shut down several hospitals in favour of his witch doctor ancestry and, well, you can guess how that went.

He even banned the use of lubricants in a power plant, saying that he could keep the place running with his magic powers. Unsurprisingly, the plant broke down, and the entire capital was engulfed in darkness.

He frequently indulged in bhang, a drink made from marijuana, and often dined with imaginary friends and executed imaginary enemies, two activities known in America as "playing video games."

Hallucinations and video games go together like hallucinations and governing nations.

In 1971, Nguema declared himself the Grandmaster of Education, Science and Culture and changed the national motto to "There is no other God than Macias Nguema." To top it all off, Nguema killed the governor of the public bank and hid all the money in his jungle shed.

What happened to him?

Nguema's own nephew ousted him in a long-overdue coup. He was executed by firing squad in 1979, because evidently his magical powers did not extend to the stopping of bullets.

Either the most depressing book of all
time or the most amusing. 

I read about him in a book called the State of Africa by Martin Meredith, which let me just say is the most

depressing fucking book in the world, or the most amusing depending on your resistance to seeing how a beautiful continent like Africa can screw itself through power hungry bastards.  What cracked.com doesn’t mention, which Meredith does, is that Nguema buried all of the country’s money in the ground in that jungle hut. When he went back to reclaim it a few months later, it was all eaten by rats. TRUE STORY!

But there were one or two exclusions in that list of bat shit crazy dictators which I feel deserved a mention; Robert Mugabe and Idi Amin Dada (who self-styled himself as the Last King of Scotland even though he was as Scottish as I am a Zulu.) The list can be found here: http://www.cracked.com/article_18850_7-modern-dictators-way-crazier-than-you-thought-possible.html

A bit of a warning though, it is a bit outdated because Muammar Gaddafi and Kim Jong Il have both since taken the journey and are deceased. Probably to the delight of their people, although you wouldn't say so after seeing North Koreans crying in the street when Kim Jong Il died…but they were probably paid to do so.

Finally, we come to the site which has me addicted. And screw the person who got me onto this site. We all know about the wonders of Google. But how many of you have discovered the wonders of Gizzoogle?

Gizzoogle is the gangster version of Google. It works in the same way, except that it takes a perfectly normal webpage and puts into gangster talk. For example: I gizzoogled Anderson Silva, who is one of the top MMA fighters of all time, and I got taken to the gizzoogled version of his Wikipedia page, which hilariously becomes Wikipizzle.

Here are some descriptions of what gizzoogle did:

Anderson da Silva (born April 14, 1975) be a Brazilian mixed martial artist n' forma UFC Middleweight Champion. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Silva holdz tha longest title defense streak up in UFC history, which ended up in 2013 wit 16 consecutizzle wins n' 10 title defenses. Dude has 12 post-fight bonus awards. Silva is ranked as tha #2 middleweight up in tha ghetto by multiple publications includin Sherdog n' is tha consensus No. 1 pound-for-pound mixed martial arts fighter up in tha ghetto accordin ta ESPN, Sherdog, Yahoo! Sports n' other publications. UFC prez Dana White n' other publications have called Silva tha top billin mixed martial artist of all time.

Background

Anderson Silva started doin thangs April 14, 1975, a middle lil pimp of four. Da lil hustla of a poverty-stricken crew, Silva dropped tha majoritizzle of his childhood wit his thugged-out aunt n' uncle, a fool wit tha Curitiba five-o force.

Yo, silva first fuckin started hustlin jiu-jitsu wit hood lil playas whoz ass could afford lessons yo. Dude explained his crazy-ass muthafuckin introduction ta martial arts up in a rap battle wit FIGHT! Magazine: “When I started out, Jiu-Jitsu was straight-up a elite thang up in Brazil, n' there was some prejudice towardz skankyer kids, so I had ta learn thangs on mah own... Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of mah neighbors started bustin Jiu-Jitsu, so I started watchin it, n' then started rollin wit em. Well shiiiit, it wasn’t organized hustlin yo, but dat shiznit was mo' betta than nothing.” By tha age of twelve his crew was able ta set aside enough scrilla ta start his ass up in Tae Kwon Do lessons, from which he moved on ta Capoeira, before finally settlin on Muay Thai all up in tha age of sixteen.

Before his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started his game as a professionizzle fighter, Silva hit dat shiznit at McDonalds, n' also as a gangbangin' file clerk yo. Dude considaz Spider-Man a underground hero, n' has a stated ludd of comic books n' comic book heroes.

I am not making this up. Go to www.gizzoogle.net and see for yourself. This is a short description to what they did to Bruce Lee:

Hong Kong action film hustla
 n' tha smoker of Jeet Kune Do.

Bruce Lee was a Hong Kong Gangsta martial artist, Hong Kong action film hustla, martial arts instructor, filmmaker, n' tha smoker of Jeet Kune Do. Lee was tha lil hustla of Cantonese opera star Lee Hoi-Chuen yo. Dude is widely considered by commentators, muthafuckas, media n' other martial artists ta be one of da most thugged-out influential martial artistz of all time, n' a pop culture icon of tha 20th century. Dude is often credited wit helpin ta chizzle tha way Asians was presented up in Gangsta films.

Lee started doin thangs up in Chinatown, San Frankieco on 27 November 1940 ta muthafathas from Hong Kong n' was raised up in Kowloon wit his crew until his fuckin late teens yo. Dude was introduced ta tha film industry by his wild lil' daddy n' rocked up in nuff muthafuckin films as a cold-ass lil lil pimp hustla. Lee moved ta tha United Hoods all up in tha age of 18 ta receive his higher ejaculation, n' dat shiznit was durin dis time dat his thugged-out lil' punk-ass fuckin started teachin martial arts yo. His Hong Kong n' Hollywood-produced films elevated tha traditionizzle Hong Kong martial arts film ta a freshly smoked up level of popularitizzle n' acclaim, sparkin a surge of interest up in Chinese martial arts up in tha Westside up in tha 1970s. Da direction n' tone of his wild lil' films chizzled n' hyped up martial arts n' martial arts films up in Hong Kong n' tha rest of tha ghetto. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.

Dude is noted fo' his bangin rolez up in five feature-length films: Lo Weiz Da Big Boss (1971) n' Fist of Fury (1972); Way of tha Dragon (1972), pimped up n' freestyled by Lee; Warner Brothers' Enter tha Dragon (1973) n' Da Game of Dirtnap (1973), both pimped up by Robert Clouse. Lee became a iconic figure known all up in tha ghetto, particularly among tha Chinese, as he portrayed Chinese nationalism up in his wild lil' films. Dude initially trained up in Win Chun yo, but later rejected well-defined martial art styles, favourin instead tha use of steez from various sources, up in tha spirit of his thugged-out lil' underground martial arts philosophy, which da ruffneck dubbed Jeet Kune Do (Da Way of tha Interceptin Fist). Lee held dual nationality of Hong Kong n' tha United Hoods. Dude took a dirt nap up in Kowloon Tong on 20 July 1973 all up in tha age of 32.

I am Gizzoogle mutha fuckez!

What can we gather from this? Well, the site is either being run by James Brown up in heaven or by Snoop

Lions man cave where he is hitting a spliff the size of a small country!

Entertaining yourself during Office December is possible. And hopefully I have shown you how to achieve this. But please be crafty about it and don’t let the management see you doing this.

Have a good festive season and a Blessed Christmas.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Don't get out of hand at the office Christmas party

Salamu

There are very few instances where we can have an absolute party at work which is actually sanctioned or even arranged by management. There is one event that the whole office looks forward to the whole year…The Office Christmas Party.

This is an opportunity to get absolutely hammered at the company’s expense right? This is a night to throw your name away right? The answer to both questions is actually: WRONG. Office parties can often prove to be mine fields where a wrong move can significantly damage your reputation in the company.

Traditionally, I have never been a fan of office parties…no matter when they are in the year. I mean, who really wants to spend the evening with a person you can barely stand seeing in a corporate environment? I make it a point of being one of the first people to leave, regardless of what gets said about me the next day.

But, these parties are unavoidable and there are two major rules one needs to bear in mind when approaching such events:

-          - NO OVER DRINKING.  Chances are very good that you think your boss is an arrogant prick who is a slave driver and an under payer.  There is honestly not a person on this earth who feels that they are compensated fairly for the work that they do. And as we all know, alcohol loosens the tongue quite significantly. So it may be wise to bypass a situation where you tell your boss what a miserable bastard you think he/she is.

-         -  BE PUNCTUAL. The rules that apply to work apply here as well. Also, if you are punctual, you can greet all the necessary people and make an early getaway without being noticed.

I will tell you a few stories about people who acted wrongly at the Christmas parties I went to. I will keep the names of the people and the companies anonymous in order to protect all of those involved.

What do you mean we got out of hand at the Christmas
Party? That's not us! That's our stunt doubles!

When I first came back from Dubai, I worked for a very well respected trade magazine which was the top magazine in their industry. But the people who ran the company were a bunch of conservative sods and took their poor staff payment policy into the Christmas party. The bar tab that they traditionally organised was R5 000 for 30 people and their partners. So safe to say this would have lasted maybe an hour or two.

However this didn’t deter one lady who was a 24 year old girl had the mind-set of 16 year old who was at her first alcoholic house party. She came prepared and got a bit hammered on her own account. To her credit, she waited until all of the senior management was gone, but she locked her eye on a junior manager and proceeded to get up on the table and attempt to do a rendition of what she thought was a sexy and provocative table dance. This didn’t end well because as she turned to show this manager her ass. She fell off the table, and split her head open.

VERY NICE DUMBASS…NOW EXPLAIN TO SENIOR MANAGEMENT WHY THE RESTAURANT IS CALLING THEM AT 11 PM TO TELL THEM THAT THERE IS AN UNDERCOVER  DEMI MOORE WANNABE FROM OUR COMPANY WHO THINKS SHE IS REENACTING A SCENE FROM THE MOVIE STRIPTEASE. AND ALSO EXPLAIN WHY YOU HAVE 10 STITCHES IN YOUR HEAD WHICH MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE YOU JUST GOT OUT THE RING WITH ‘SUGAR’ RASHAD EVANS.

The second one was when I was working in Durban. The company I was working for at the time was owned by a youngish guy who liked to drink and party. And the Christmas parties of this company were notorious for getting out of hand. So after the theme for the party was decided, a lady came around and asked who would need taxi rides home which the company would organize at their expense.  As per usual, I made an early exit, but the next day I had to hear stories about how one pissed person told one of the senior managers how much of a miserable bastard he is.

There was also an occasion where there was a Christmas party at our bosses house. A work colleague of mine brought his brother along. As the evening progressed, the alcohol was flowing very copiously. my work colleague disappeared to pass out in his car while his brother was still drinking. There was a party at another house in the estate so when the colleagues brother couldn't find my colleague, he walked over to the house and searched for him in every room.  it turns out he walked into the main bedroom where a couple was having some hot sex. He tapped the guy on the shoulder and asked him what was going on. 

There is always a time and place for these things to take place and there are times when you can have a lot of fun at work functions. One of the best times I had was on a business trip to the Democratic Republic of Congo. The company that arranged the trip was opening a branch of their office in Lubumbashi. As the evening unfolded, quarts of Simba beer were being consumed as if it were sweet nectar from the Fountain of Youth. It eventually ended with me leopard crawling back to my room where I eventually passed out.

I suppose it has a lot to do with the environment and the people that you share the evening with. I got on very well with the people from the company who took us to the DRC and the fact that we were in another country where EVERYONE was getting drunk and throwing their name away, which made the whole experience ok.

But there are a few tips though. It is not advisable to consume alcohol whilst on malaria tablets and it is not advisable to get drunk the night before a flight back home.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Respect is earned...never given!

Salamu

Every person has to have a code which they live by. It defines them. It makes them who they are. It forms the basis upon which you make decisions and approach relationships and friendships.

One of the things I do not do is judge people. That is part of my code. I feel that I cannot judge a person until I have walked a mile in their shoes. Experienced their problems; faced their difficulties. One of the things I have been doing, in between being mad busy at work, is that I have been watching a series on YouTube called: The Worlds Strictest Parents. Basically the show takes rebellious teenagers who are running rampant in their homes and sends them off to strict parents in other countries where they learn about things such as respect and discipline.

I don’t know if I made a conscious decision to watch this a week after the video of the Glenvista High School pupil assaulting a teacher was put up, but me watching this show coincided with that. The first few episodes were really of these little shits who have no respect, at the end they learn respect and the fact that the parents didn’t have to beat it into them is really a testament to them, because I would have beat the shit out of two of the kids…and I am quite patient if I need to be.

But the second episode in the first series of the British version really hit home with me. The boy…Sam came

from a home in the UK where his dad left the family. This obviously caused a lot of resentment in the family and Sam rebelled. He also turned his back on his faith.

During his time in Jamaica (where the pair of kids was sent to live with stricter parents) Sam went through a lot of conflicting emotions, he does visibly have the potential to be a better student and person that he is, but his resentment towards his father stops him from realising this. Why am I pointing this out? Because while the people in Jamaica could not realise that this was the problem, I could.

I never had the best relationship with my father, although mine never walked out on the family when I was grown up. He wasn’t a part of the family for 13 years. And when he came back into the family, he tried to break down the whole value system which I knew to try and impose his own morals and value system. I didn’t rebel like a typical teenager does, but I had a lot of conflicts with my father.

It is a struggle, and until you have experienced something similar, you simply cannot judge the person who is going through it. You cannot; especially if they are a teenager. You see, at his age, Sam is starting to move away from being a child into being a man. Here he will have his own value system, which includes his own elements as well as elements given to him by his family. In order to do this, he will need support. And while a mother’s love is great, a MAN needs the approval of another MAN when they are making that transition. Sam has the potential to be a great person, but he now has to battle with these feelings of him being a failure because his father left his family. There is nothing worse than that rejection. It can be the worst pain you will ever feel in your life.

Dealing with this can also be a problem. You can either make the decision to just simply give up, or you can make the decision to change. Sam wants to be the best he can be, but he doesn’t know how to channel his energy positively. At the end of the episode, his Jamaican family take him to a friend of theirs. This friend is only two years older than Sam, and his father also walked out on his family. Unlike Sam who is the youngest, this boy is clearly the oldest and had to get a job to support his five siblings. And he does so with a smile of his face, a smile that only the presence of God can give a person.

You know, once when my dad and I were having one of our famous battles, he asked me what he has to do to get me to love and respect him. And the answer is really simple. As in really really simple. A dad doesn’t have to give his son money, or shower him with gifts like cars and watches. All he has to do is be around, give his son love, and just to respect his boundaries when he is trying to become a man. The worst thing you can do as a father is up and leave your son with responsibilities he is not ready for. Although my dad didn’t, he passed away which left me with responsibilities to my mom and brother.

A bit of respect for your kids boundaries will go a long way in earning their respect and love back. As much as parents think that they are entitled to love and respect, the hard fact of life is that you are not entitled to shit in life. Respect is never given, it is earned. This is one of the biggest and harshest realities of life.

I say it is a harsh reality because in an ideal world, feelings such as love and aspects such as respect honor and trust would be freely given. But unfortunately we don’t live in an ideal world. If people could mature into adulthood with this thought in their minds, it wouldn’t be a harsh reality.

Entitlement is something that died with the English lords when Henry VIII was being his blasphemous self. This is a key lesson you need to teach your kids. And what better way to do it than to respect them first?

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Country Fustration

Salamu

How difficult is it to do your job?

Besides making love to your spouse, and drinking, your job is the one thing in the world which you are supposed to be proud of. In South Africa, this is far far down the recommended list of priorities.

But this is my country, and I love it to death. However, South Africa is one of the most frustrating countries in the world to live in. I have recently moved into my new place…very exciting. So I now go on a mission to get the stock standard TV, DSTV, and household things such as a mop, broom, dustbin, cooking shit (pots and pans) and emergency supplies of 5 litre bottled water in case there are water cuts.

I decided to go to Makro, which is owned by Massmart and is guaranteed to have a lot (if not all) of the things I am looking for. So I go there and I had my heart settled on a Sinotec 39” flat screen TV which was on special. The salesman pitches the sale perfectly and basically has me eating out of the palm of his hand. Only for him to tell me that he doesn’t have any stock when I tell him how interested I am.

WTF DUDE! W.H.Y? Why try and sell me a TV that you don’t have? Typical South African mentality! I wanted to strangle the bastard, but he had the same name as me, so I let it slide.

I go back the next day to get the DSTV decoder and shit. I get the decoder, HDMI Cables, extra RC cables. What don’t they have? The cable that goes from the wall into the DSTV! FFS I might as well have pissed away the money I spent on the HDMI and RC cables, because without the cable the decoder won’t work. So now I must go to HI FI Corporation (Corruption) to get the cable.

I mean the appeal of a place like Makro or Massmart is that you can get everything in one place. Even the kitchen sink. People who go to a place like Makro and Massmart and get told that there is no stock of something is the most frustrating thing in the world. There is no other way to describe it!

I then go to a Spar (a major local supermarket chain here) and I ask the attendant where I will find tin foil (aluminium foil). “Eish I don’t know that.” I go to the next one…”what is that? Even I don’t know what it is.” Five staff members tell me this. So I am now PISSED.  Spitting blood. I find a manager and I ask him where it is. And to his credit, he was a consummate gentleman and even took me to where it is. “Tell me something my good man…do you train your staff?” I could see I touched a nerve because he buried his head in his hand and said very slowly, “Yes…Why?” so I regaled the case of the mysterious toil foil to him.

It just amazes me how people in South Africa:

A – celebrate mediocrity by still employing these rocket scientists.

B – celebrate stupidity by screwing up something simple.

But I have a theory: I think that the staff members I asked about the tinfoil knew EXACTLY what I was asking about, they just wanted to piss me off. And they do this with all white people. If this is the case, I find it very unfair because I never oppressed anyone during apartheid and have never hated based on the colour of their skin.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Return of the Mack. Word of the Day

Salamu

It has been a while since I have updated this blog. For that I apologise. I suppose we go through our stages where we want the world to know every intimate detail of what goes on in our lives, and then we actually get to a stage where we actually couldn’t give an ass rats about what people think of us, or how much they miss knowing about our lives. Like my ex always says: here is a brick to help you build a bridge to get over it.

But as was pointed out to me lately…I am a bit of a manipulator (which I completely and utterly deny) and I possibly have a bad attitude when it comes to people (which I actually agree with if you are as arrogant as shit). Be that as it may, I have resolved to update this blog at least twice a month.

I haven’t done a ‘word of the day’ blog in a long time and recent events have resolved me to do another one. The first word is actually settling a debate and the other words are from my favourite source of ‘street talk’—Urban Dictionary.

So to the first word, in between watching one of the world class shows that Sony Max had on TV came a far eastern lady who’s decedents were of the Karachi variety appearing on the TV teaching a catholic household how to make Eid treats. So this lady is making a pot of Garlic Prawns and she says: “I like to put a lot of garlic in my prawns because I am partial to anything garlicky.” My friend looked like was going to have a heart seizure screaming at the TV that garlicky is not a word. I said that it was…but my friend has that arrogant lawyer way about him. So I just kept quiet.

But I was right.

Word: Garlicky

Definition: containing or resembling the taste or odour of garlic.

Use: ey no man….I tried to dala that cherrie and her breath smelt garlicky ek se…I waaid so quick cuzzie.

Now we get onto the proper words.

Urban dictionary is the best site known to man in my opinion. It has introduced me to words such as Panocha, Barocho, Fine China, and it even helped me correct someone. My best female friend was talking to me and mentioned the word Twat. I laughed and told her to look on Urban Dictionary what twat means. Needless to say, she was a bit embarrassed.

So now…here we go:

Word: phoneslinger

Defenition: A person that can produce their phone with lightning speed and return a text message almost instantaneously.

Application:

Jim - I hate texting with Jennifer.

John - Why's that Jim? She seems like a cool girl to me.

Jim - When you send her a text, it takes forever to get a response.

John - Ohh I hate that too! My new girl Sally has to be just about the fastest little phoneslinger I've ever met in my life.  Whenever you text her, you always have an answer right away. Always. I so love that!

Jim - Wow! I'm jealous already.

Word: Piss Muting

Definition: When you piss on the side of the bowl of the toilet instead of the water to make less noise at night.

Use: Mom - Johnny, if you're staying up late tonight be sure to mute your piss so you don't wake me up.

Word: hate hug

Definition: A hug given as an unavoidable social grace even though one or both people engaged in the hug hate each other and would not willingly hug if they were alone. Characterized by being a very fast and "going through the motions" hug with as little contact, duration, and eye contact as possible.

Use: That girl Angela that hates me showed up unexpectedly when I was out with co-workers having a drink. When we were all leaving she hugged people goodbye but gave me a hate hug.

If I cared enough I would use it on my exes. Difference is that the relationships between my exes and myself are very hostile to the extent that we hardly talk. But I still have to see one at church. And its funny how nervous you get around them no matter what the status is between the two of you, and this is the one who I don’t talk to. AT ALL!      

   

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Pandora loses its mind!

Salamu

We all know that there are a bunch of greedy people in the world. Trust me, I just finished working for one such company. Six days a week with no medical aid, no parking and a manager who felt as if he had to put his small man syndrome on display all day every day.Safe to say it was a hard environment to cope in.

Shock and horror as Pandora asks artists to take a 85% knock!

One of the things which make people greedy is operating in an industry which is becoming increasingly popular. It also helps if you have a certain influence on the industry (ie: a dominant position). Pandora recently found itself in such a position and is currently on a mission to get all music artists to take a 85% cut in royalties.

I’m sorry….let me just reiterate what I just said because it does sound like complete and utter madness.

Pandora wants musical artists who supply music to it to take a 85% cut in royalties.

This is like a strip club owner expecting his dancers to pay him to dance at his joint. There is no way that customers are going there for the food or drink. They are going there for booty. This is what Pandora needs to realize….without music artists you are NOTHING!  Why then would you want to bite the hand that feeds you? Because the public is definitely not coming to your site to admire your coding!

The most likely explanation is that Pandora is starting to feel the pressures of increased activity in the sector which is making them uneasy. And an uneasy company tends to make stupid decision. Pandora is joined in the industry by Spotify, Apple who recently launched their iRadio service and YouTube who have announced that they will be launching specialized channels on a subscription basis.

Before the entry of Apple and YouTube, there were only two players in the market. Consumers were therefore desperately looking for variety, but could not go anywhere. Because of this, Pandora felt relatively safe with their business model as cashflow was not a problem. The introduction of competition gave the public options and Pandora has probably found that a few of its previously loyal customers are not so loyal anymore. So the reason that Pandora is so keen on decreasing its royalties is that it is struggling for cash.

However, to say that royalties is the be all and end all of your monetisation policy is a bit of a farfetched scenario. There are other ways in which Pandora can make its money:

-        -   Decrease your subscription costs. Please LOVE discounts and by dropping your subscription base, you may just attract some customers back to your forum.

-          - Offer a new service. The public likes a new service which is the main reason why Apple and YouTube has seen the early success that they have on the subscription side.

-          - Offer incentives which will see new artists flock to your platform. A change is as good as a holiday.

It seems as if Pandora has lost their damn minds. And this is not the way in which to approach the challenge of decreasing revenue.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Would you call having 22 kids by 14 women ambition?

Salamu

What is ambition?

To me, ambition is aspiring to be the best person you can be, and then improve on it so that you disprove all rational thoughts that people had about you.

Take for instance Elvis Presley and Johnny Cash. Almost everyone said that these young men would be bums and would never make a name for themselves. Yet they aspired to greatness and look where it got them.

AMBITION.

Mahatma Gandhi was another example of this. When he said he was going to change the world through NON VIOLENCE. People seriously doubted his mental capabilities. Yet look what he achieved.

AMBITION.

Finally, dictionary.com defines ambition as: an earnest desire for some type of achievement or distinction, as power, honor, fame, or wealth, and the willingness to strive for its attainment.

Why am I saying this? Well, because for most rational people, being ambitious means striving to make more money or to get a job/social prestige which would make people proud of you. Not so?

I cant pay support for 22 kids. these people know that!

This, my friends is not the case with a certain Mr Orlando Shaw who is a resident of Nashville Tennessee.

I came across the sad case of Shaw when I was cruising the headlines of the Huffington Post this morning. This man….this utter BASTION of human ambition has fathered 22 kids with 14 women!

Outside of the courthouse he was doing an interview with the Huffington Post and when the reporter asked him: “why did you do it? Did the thoughts of contraceptives ever cross your mind?” he simply said: “I was young…AMBITIOUS…and loved women. Nobody can fault me for loving women!”

 Can you actually come to terms with that number? That’s being a father to two soccer teams with almost a full rugby team of women! When that’s your main ambition in life, I’ve got some bad news for you.

Let’s take a closer look at this. Common sense says that if you are a father’s ass you will take care of the kids emotionally and financially.

He is currently at court “fighting for his life” because he can’t afford maintenance payments on 22 kids. Now I don’t care how rich your ass is…even Donald Trump and Richard Branson will struggle paying this type of child support.

And then there is the emotional part. Let’s say all his kids are a year apart. This means that he would have had to make a girl pregnant every year for 22 straight years. Even porn stars don’t get that lucky. So the likelihood that at least four or even five of these kids are the same age is good. I don’t care how much BULLSHIT you talk or want to even believe. Any father will struggle to be there emotionally for two kids who are the same age.

What type of a role model is he? You know, my father and I never had the best relationship. In fact we OFTEN had arguments and battles which would have made Itchy and Scratchy very proud. But the best piece of advice he ever gave me was “Never create a life for yourself that’s unsustainable.” Supporting 22 kids is not sustainable by any stretch of the imagination.

Now when his kids become adults, what role model do they have? Go and have 22 kids. Don’t worry, you won’t have to pay child support. Just tell the judge you can’t pay this.

The person I feel the most for in this situation is in fact the judge. Because once you have moved beyond the fact that this man standing before you is a father to two soccer teams with almost a full rugby team of women, and once you have moved beyond the fact that you want to call this man and his ladies the dumbest people on earth, you have to deal with the fact that you now have to make a ruling in this case.

Clearly this man cant pay child support for 22 kids. So the rational thing to do is find out how many kids he can pay for. Let’s say for example its 10. Which ten get the support and which 12 don’t? According to the law he may be compelled to pay for those under the age of 16 because they can’t legally find work. Ok fine…what if this number is 13? Which 3 lose out then?

Booker T. Can You Dig It Sukka!

This is just another sad case of what I refer to as Ghetto Syndrome. These kids will never feel properly loved and will never have the security of a stable income generating environment. What happens to these people. They belong to gangs in order to compensate for the love that they never felt and they turn to crime to pay the bills. And again they don’t have a great role model because Shaw has a criminal record.

There are many sad things about this story. First we have Orlando Shaw himself who’s main ambition in life is to have as many kids as he can. Second we have the women who are dumb enough to fall for his trickery and lastly we have the fact that this man does not exactly have the looks of a Denzel Washington. He is a hybrid of Busta Rhymes and Booker T.

Now CAN YOU DIGG THAT?

SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKAAAAAAAAAAA!

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

A little word on tax avoidance

Salamu

Here is a question…have you ever sat and wondered how much shit multinational companies actually get away with?

Before you all think I am some kind of drug addict freak that sits and smokes the reefer just to think up this shit, it is actually work related research which has brought me to this subject. So it is that point of reference from which I am writing.

Now that we have cleared that up, let’s get back to the tangent from which I started the post. What I am about to tell you is common knowledge to some people. But in my opinion, the demographic of ‘some people’ is far too small. For all the great things the Americans are…. this is a global issue and needs to be exposed to a global audience. To an audience who don’t think the sun shines out of the particular company in question’s arse!

There is an old saying which says that the only things unavoidable in life are death and taxes. Well, it seems that Apple has been able to avoid the latter.

While 2012 proved to be one of the most fascinating years for the technology industry, Apple found that it was faced with one of the most challenging years in the company’s history. Not only did the company have to deal with investor unrest, the company lost its position as the world’s richest company to Exxon Mobil. The company also spent the majority of the year playing second fiddle to Samsung who became the top selling smartphone manufacturer in the world. Added to this, Android overtook Apple as the most popular tablet operating system in the world by sales.

2013 has proved to be just as challenging. The company has just finished answering allegations brought before it by the US Senate that the company is not paying its fair share in terms of taxes. A complex tax system which involves Irish based subsidiaries has been labeled as immoral and bordering on illegal.

The Senate report noted that Apple's Irish subsidiary earned $22-billion in 2011. However, it wound up paying only $10-million in taxes.

"Apple's three primary Irish entities hold 60% of the company's profits but claim to be tax residents nowhere in the world," Arizona Sen. John McCain said, adding that it was "completely outrageous" that Apple has managed to avoid paying taxes at home and abroad.

Apple is still waiting for the fallout from the hearing. But it seems like the clover munching Irish are going to beat them to the punch. The country is finally thinking up plans to reform its tax programs.

The effects of this will be far reaching. A major reason that multinational companies base their subsidiaries in Ireland is because it is considered a tax haven. This has become a major draw card for the country. By implementing laws which eradicate loopholes, the country is closing itself off to potential future business development in the country.

This business development goes far beyond merely setting up a subsidiary in the country, multinational corporations contribute significantly to the Irish economy in terms of skills development and training as well as job creation. It is also not only Apple who will be affected. Other technology companies such as Microsoft, Hewlett-Packard and Facebook all own subsidiaries based in the country.

Despite this….it’s ABOUT FEKING TIME Ireland got its shit together!

We tend to forget that companies are like lemmings. Once they see one company has found a way to avoid paying to Caesar that which is owing to Caesar they are quick to follow suit. The sad part about this is that these companies are American. And while they do contribute to skills development and job creation in Ireland and other parts of the world, the US is going through its own challenges regarding these same topics.

Is it so bad then for the Senate to question Apple regarding this? NO IT ISNT. AGAIN, IT’S ABOUT FEKING TIME that happened as well. So then why are the public SO up in arms about the topic?

You are all very loyal right…sure you are. Let me ask you a question, do you think Apple gives a shit about you on a level other than that dictated by a sale and the after sales service associated thereto? Answer: NO! And Apple proves it every day and has been since 1980. Apple was one of the founding companies of the Double Irish Tax Practice. Don’t you think if Apple cared about the local economy it wouldn’t have already established skills development programs and would have brought back SOME production to the US? SO MUCH FOR BEING PROUDLY AMERICAN.

When oil companies push the limits of environmental practices, tree huggers from Green Peace are all over them like a bad rash. It’s the same with mining companies. And don’t get me started on PETA.

Don’t get me wrong, these companies play an important role in society, but perhaps it’s time to establish a public watchdog group for the technology industry to kick up a fuss whenever technology companies take advantage.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!

Base stupidity rears its head in the wake of the Oklahoma tornado

Disclaimer: I am aware that the chosen topic is a controversial one. These are my views on a delicate matter and may not reflect the feelings of the masses.

Salamu

Throughout my years as a participant in the media industry I can honestly say that I have seen some pretty weird and wonderful things. However, one thing always comes back to surprise me every single time. That is the level of base stupidity in the world.

The US state of Oklahoma is currently rebuilding after a devastating Twister (or as the rest of the normal world calls it…a tornado) ripped through the state causing all kinds of devastation. The tragic event left many people dead and countless others injured. Those that have survived are now tasked with the burden of rebuilding their lives with the event fresh in their minds.

If you want to read about how tornadoes are formed, I suggest you visit this Wikipedia page which will give you more insight. In a nutshell it is a natural disaster and is not, in my opinion, an act of God.

However, a member of the Oklahoma Baptist Church (in all his cracker ass, hillbilly, redneck wisdom) has come out and said that the tornado is punishment for open support of gay NBA star Jason Collins. Please see the attached image for the wise words of the mayonnaise sandwich loving Fred Phelps Jnr.

This is also not the first time a member of the public who has spewed in what my opinion is complete and utter BULLSHIT. In 2012, chaplain John McTernan linked Hurricane Sandy (and a number of other recent weather-related trends and natural disasters) on lesbian, gay,bisexual, and transgender (LGBT) community and President Barack Obama's backing of marriage equality.

"God is systematically destroying America," McTernan wrote at the time. "Just look at what has happened this year."

McTernan similarly linked Hurricane Isaac with the LGBT community, pointing to the fact that the life-threatening storm coincided with Southern Decadence, New Orleans' "Gay Mardi Gras."

"New Orleans is still hosting Southern Decadence with open homosexuality manifesting in the streets of the city," he wrote in a blog. "It could be that God is putting an end to this city and its wickedness."

This is why I say it is bullshit… there are plenty of examples in the Bible of where God was vengeful and sent disasters to cleanse the world. He sent the great flood and even destroyed the cities of Sodom and Gomorrah. He also rained down fire on Egypt because Ramses II was persecuting the Jews

But there are also plenty of examples of God’s love. During his great mission Jesus preached that of all the commandments that God gave to Moses, the greatest was the new commandment which God sent Jesus to give. That is too love your neighbor as God has loved you. 

The Apostle John says: Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God.Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him.

I do not claim to be a great student of Theology, nor do I even have any qualifications in Theology. But I feel that this love must apply to EVERYONE regardless of race, gender, religious standpoint or sexual orientation.  It is so warming to see that after all of these years, Pope Francis has finally come out and has said that even Atheists will be offered a chance to enter heaven.

I fail to believe that if Jesus preached love, and if God sent his only son to die for our sins, that the natural disasters discussed above are being sent by God as punishment for something.

It saddens me that people who don’t have a clue about what they are talking about go out and make statements like those made by Phelps Jnr and McTernan. It also saddens me that these people also believe in Christ, but prefer to ignore all the teachings about love and tolerance.

This is a time that the Christian faith should be coming together as a UNITED FRONT to pray for these people. Not show the fractures within the faith.

Surely God would not sacrifice the lives of hundreds of innocent people to cleanse the world of a few people who support a gay sports star? And if the tornado was sent for that purpose (which it wasn’t) why weren’t the people who directly came out in Jason Collins’ support affected?

There needs to be a serious awakening in the Church regarding how we view and interact with society.

I am not here to slam the church or its teachings. But for a long time there has been a particular line of thought regarding homosexuality. And in the modern day and age I think it is drastic. In the past I did think the way the church did about gays. But I became friends with a gay person who works with me, and I can tell you now that he is a far better person than 99% of the population. He has better morals and has a holistic view of society and the world.

For all of the bad things that the Christians have to say about the Muslims and the Hindu’s, they have achieved something that we Christians have not – UNITY. There must be many within Islam and the Hindu church who disagree with certain aspects of their faith, but at the end of the day they come together and ACCEPT that their teachings are law.

I once watched a documentary about Islam and a high ranking cleric came out and said that Muslims are not like the Christians. They live their faith seven days a week as opposed to one. After watching this I was livid and thought that he was being unfair to Christianity.

But how wrong is he? Are the actions of Phelps Jnr and McTernan not proof of this? I bet you these men go into church on Sundays and sit in the front row. They are the first to scream Halleluiah when the word is being proclaimed. They are the loudest to say prayers and join in the signing of hymns vigorously.  And yet they go out and act like this on a non church day.

I am by no means a saint. Far From It! But I ask God every day to help me to live his word and teaching every day. If I can try to follow some of Gods teaching of love and tolerance every day, I have done my bit as a Christian.

God preaches LOVE and TOLERANCE. NOT VENGEANCE. It’s time we as a Christian faith realize this and strive to live everyday with a measure of God’s love. And it’s time for the Phelps Jnr’s and McTernan’s of the world to change their rhetoric.

Mei jua daima kuwa kabla yenu, na vivuli nyuma yako!