What did you orignionally want to be when you grew up?

Marhaba.

Today, as i was sitting in a conference which was so boring that it literally aged me ten years, I came up with at least 20 better things that i could be doing with my life at that particular juncture.

Guaranteed, the job that you are doing now is a very far cry from your dream job as a child. You know, when you are in the second grade and your teacher asks you what you want to be.

The most popular answer to this one is I want to be a teacher, or a policeman or a fireman.

I will take you through the life story of my dream jobs from the second grade all the way to where I am now because i also often ask myself: How in the name of F##K did you pick.

In primary school (Grade 1 to Standard 5) [or Grade 7 for the difficult Americans among us]: During this time I desperately wanted to be a game ranger [or a park warden for the difficult Americans among us]. I have always had a love for animals and nature and people find it completely weird that a dog who will bite the ass off any person who resembles a stranger will come up to me very calmly and look for attention. Even if i have met this dog for the first time. But being a game ranger is a far cry from interacting with dogs, because in the African wild you are likely to interact with Elephants, Lions, Leopards, Rhino's and Buffalo's [otherwise known as the Big 5]. This to me seemed idealistic and the fact that you would live on the Savannah away from people and traffic and idiot taxi drivers, and bastard BMW drivers really appealed to me. So in my formative years, all I wanted to be was a game ranger.

In high school (Standard 6 - Matric) [or Grade 8 - Grade 12 for the difficult Americans among us]: I still carried this dream with me all the way to high school until a little thing named rugby came along which would play a huge role in my life. During high school I lived and breathed rugby. I wrote about rugby, watched rugby, played rugby, slept rugby. Damn the only thing I never did to rugby was eat it. At the time there was a rugby commentator, who turned out to be quite a legend, who was very famous for his mistakes while broadcasting. I knew from an early age that I knew more about the game then these idiots who were given creative license to broadcast crap on TV and so, I wanted to be a journalist.

In University (First Year until I finally graduated) [I don't even know what the difficult Americans call this]: I still carried my dreams of being a journalist. But because I came from a fairly conservative home and a private catholic school I was not the biggest drinker during my mid teens. Wow did this change in University, alcohol and woman were the order of the day so during University I still wanted to be a sports journalist, but at the same time I wanted to be the liquored up version of Hugh Hefner!


BUT.... There was a little matter of a television show named CSI which piqued my interest into being a forensic investigator. Don't get me wrong, I have never, ever wanted to be a pig (which is different from a forensic investigator). Although I deem this a very noble profession, this reluctance stems from the total disrespect that the public in general has for pigs!

I include an excerpt from Beverly Hills Cop II:

Axel Foley – Hey man where you been I have been waiting here 30 minutes for you
Man 1 – Sorry Axel I had to pick up my cousin
Axel (referring to the cousin) – Why you got to bring the cops up in here?
Man 1 (looking at his cousin) – He aint no cop
Axel (talking to the cousin) – Hey man take off your glasses
Cousin takes off his sunglasses
Axel – I thought it was you man! You a f##king cop!
Man 1 – He aint no cop Axel!
Axel (to man 1) – That's Dirty Harry himself man! This man is a pig, I used to be a Muslim and I know the smell of pork when its around (sniffs air) yes that's pork he is definitely a pig!

And of course we end off the post with my favorite pig basher! Ali G

Officer Ali G - Watch the best video clips here

Swine Flu and Cops

Good Morning.

So the big thing at the moment is the Swine Flu virus. Although it is a virus that is likely to kill a lot of people, society has tried to see the lighter side of the virus.

It really didn’t take long for jokes to come out about the Swine Flu and the PO PO, the best one I heard was this heavy Dutchman from the East Rand go on Highveld Stereo and ask: “If this Pig Flu virus are so bat, then does that mean that all the Cops arrest dieing?”

Imagine a world without cops? Granted society would be plunged into total anarchy because the basic security system has been broken down, but how good is the basic security system in South Africa really?

	N.W.A. - Fuck Tha Police
	Found at bee mp3 search engine

My fascination with the cops came after watching a programme on soccer hooliganism. Basically the scene was a bunch of drunk Scots causing havoc in London Chanting: LETS GO FING MENTAL! LETS GO FING MENTAL. A cop then tries to calm them down when the Scots chant: WE AINT GOING NOWHERE! WE AINT GOING NOWHERE.

Everyone has had at least one run in with the law at some stage of his or her life. Here are some of mine:

October 2002
Setting: M&A in the Glen shopping centre.
Me and a mate (I wont mention any names to protect innocent parties) were getting a bit molar at M&A when my mate announces that we should go and visit Teazers. So the three of us go in 2 separate cars. Approaching Teazers in Rivonia can be a bit of a task as the circle is a bit big and very daunting when you have a nervous drunk like my friend behind the wheel. We took a turn at the Sheiks Palace and wanted to do a quick detour down a one way road. The distance was 20 metres, It was 12 at night and the likelihood of anyone being on that road at that time was slim. So we turn up the road and stare down the face of a cop car! He flipps on the siren and tells us to pull off the road. So we pull off and a cop come to the drivers window and tell us how dangerous is was what we did. No his suspicion is up and he asks us where we were going. To Zurised to say we were going to Teazers we lied and told him we looking for a friend who is lost. He asked us where and we told him We don’t know.

Anyway 30 minutes later he says to us that we are lying to him and he will have to take us to the station. So we said we going to Teazers. The bastard cop bursts out laughing and tells us: “Boys, its not a sin to go to Teazers.” He told us how to get there and we got off scot-free.

August 2005
Setting: Gas Station in Al Barsha Dubai During Ramadaan.

After a night out on the piss at a mates house I stop off at a garage and buy a Subway sandwich. On my way to work I decide that I want to eat it cause I am hungry! HUGE MISTAKE! A cop car stops next to me, rolls down his window and goes off at me in Arabic. At the time, hungover and 3 months in Dubai, my Arabic was limited to: MUFI ARABIA (no Arabic – meaning I don’t understand you sir). He tells me in his broken English that I must come with him to the station. I really didn’t want to until he pulled out the cuffs. So I followed him there and he took me to the station commander. The station commander hears the cops complaint and looks at me and says: Do you know its Ramadaan? I say yes but I’m not Muslim. He asked if I work in Dubai and How long I have been there. I told him 3 months and he was very understanding and told me that although I am not Muslim eating in public during Ramadaan is illegal, even for non Muslims. He gave me a warning and apologised for any inconvenience that I was caused.

October 2005
Setting: SAFA Park Um Al Quain Dubai.

A few mates and me were having a BBQ in Safa park and drinking a bit. I wasn’t drinking as I was driving. But I had to take a pissed friend home. Driving with a drunk passenger is illegal in Dubai, unless you a taxi, so I told her to behave. As we approach cop cars at the entrance of Saffa park, she rolls down the window and screams at the top of her voice: ‘You cant take me back to jail, Im not going back” Before the cops saw who it was I pulled into a side street, dragged her into the backseat and got the hell out of there.

Ok Fine! Im a hooligan when I drink!

Everyone has a go at the cops. Particularly because they can be a bunch of miserable bastards! That prime example of British society: A one Mr Ali G has a go at the cops often!


Ali G Dangerous Weapons - The most popular videos are here