Lying to the Law

Nobody likes the law. In fact I think it is one of the hardest jobs in the world, behind a gravedigger and an undertaker.

There is just something about the law that brings out the worst in people. Even the staunchest religious person will forget their upbringing to try and dupe the law.

We all know there is a minor matter of the Confederations Cup soccer tournament being played in South Africa at the moment which pits the World Champs, the Hosts of the next FIFA World Cup, and the five Continental champions against each other in a mini soccer world cup before the real makoy a year later. One of the teams participating is Egypt, who are the current African Champions.

The day after their 1-0 win over Italy during the week last week, Egypt reported that a bunch of desperados broke into their rooms and stole money. Because it is a crime against foreigners, the law decided to actually investigate the affair.

What they found out is that it wasn’t a break in by desperados as previously reported, rather an incident for the vice squad. You see, after the win over Italy, the ‘Gypto’s decided to swing from the chandeliers and have a party. And of course, as with all parties, there were a few sharmoots involved, and it was them that stole the money from their rooms.

Now what was a bunch of good Muslim boys doing with hellcats in their rooms? Please note, these are men who are governed by honour, Islam frowns down upon drinking and fornication outside of marriage.

So the team lied to the law in an attempt to keep their honour intact.

But everyone has lied to the law at one stage in their lives. On a trip back to Dubai from Jordan, I tried to sneak an open bottle of Jack Daniels onto the plane to enjoy as ‘in flight refreshment’, predictably, I got pulled over at the X-Ray machine and was given the 3rd degree about the dope. To avoid a fine a spoke in Afrikaans, the Arab cops obviously asked me to speak English and in my best broken English I explained that I never knew the law pertaining to the non carrying on of open liquor onto the plane as in South Africa it is common place to do this. So they let me off with a very aggressive: ‘hallas! Move on! next!”

Of course I know that you can’t take an open bottle of alcohol onto the plane, but that never stopped me from trying.


A work colleague of mine is a bit of a party animal and goes out on the piss at least 3 times a week. On the way home from Manhattan on Friday night she was pulled over and was going to be given a fine for drunk driving, To avoid spending the night in the gabbis, she balled her eyes out and cried a river that her boyfriend had dumped her that evening, and that she has no direction in life and that she hopes the cops arrest her. The cops obviously were a bit nervous of this charade and sat her down and told her that everything is going to be fine, and that she must find Jesus and that she must go home and sleep. Granted, her boyfriend did leave her……… over a month ago.

And its funny how the law works. Its all about how you sell it to them. Ok fine, the Gypto’s got caught out and have some explaining to do when they get home. But can you see the weakness in my story to the law in Jordan about the gamroh, and the weakness in my colleagues story to the law about her boyfriend?

At the end of the day, its always good to try a gambit or two on the law. You’ll probably get out of it.

Vuvuzela’s Vespas and The Deadliest Warrior of All Time

The 2010 FIFA World Cup is going to be a culture shock.

We are only in the Confederations cup and there are already significant concerns about hosting events such as the magnitude of the soccer World Cup in the country. The biggest concern is the park and ride system.

Under FIFA regulations, all access roads within 2 km of the stadium must be sealed off. This means that there is no easy way to get to the stadium. But the South African Rocket Scientists, who are among the best in the world, have come up with a cunning plan to overcome this.

Allow me to introduce you to E-Transi, a shuttle service that takes people from a designated park and ride pick point to the stadium. There are a number of pick up points and a number of busses to get you to the stadium without a hassle. Right? Right? WRONG!!!!!!!!!!

On Tuesday, the 5 times World Champs Brazil were playing the Yanks in a bit of a nothing match at the royal Bafokeng Sport Palace in Rustenburg. Apparently, the Rocket Scientists made such a stuff up off the transport that half of the ticket holding fans only got to the stadium at the end of the first half!

WTF??????????????????????? And then, at the game between Italy and Egypt, played at Ellis Park last night. About 10 000 fans had to wait nearly 2 hours for the bus pick them up to take them back to their cars. 2 hours in the middle of the Ghetto at 10 pm at night!

If that’s not bad enough, the foreigners are complaining about the incessant noise the Vuvuzelas make at the stadium.

Just imagine it from a players point of view. You are used to 40 000 screaming fans in your own country, now you go to a foreign country where the crowd wears balaclavas over their faces, decorated hard hats on their heads, a irritating trumpet and they are carrying dictionaries into the ground!

But I suppose that Hard Hats, Vuvuzela’s and Balaclavas are better then taking a Vespa into the stadium.

At a Champions League game about 5 years ago at the San Siero in Milan, Inter was playing Manchester United, and were getting a hiding of note. About 15 minutes to go until the end of the game a Vespa scooter drops from the top tier of the San Siero onto the field.

Let me repeat that: About 15 minutes to go until the end of the game A VESPA SCOOTER DROPS FROM THE TOP TIER OF THE SAN SIERO ONTO THE FIELD.

How the hell did the Spaghetti’s get the scooter to the top tier in the first place, how did they get it past security, and how did they manage to throw it over the balcony onto the field?

So in South Africa you get dictionary wielding fans wearing a balaclava over their face, a hard hat of their head, and a trumpet in their mouth, in Italy you get a scooter thrown at you!

On my way to PE the other day I got hold of William Faure’s epic series of Shaka Zulu. This pleased me immensely as I grew up watching that and I was, and still am, infatuated with the whole myth surrounding the African Napoleon.

So I was googeling anything and everything related to Shaka and came a across a You Tube video of a simulated fight between Shaka Zulu and William Wallace.

It turns out there are some bored Yanks who have nothing better to do with their lives other then to think who would the most deadliest warriors in the world be, and create a simulated fight between them.

Although I think that this is the best thing out, because I am a fan of random acts of violence, the concept is a bit wrong.

The odds in the battles are really stacked in one particular sides favour. For instance, in the fight between William Wallace and Shaka Zulu, Wallace won. And predictably so. This is because he had superior weapons and was known as a warrior of some prestige. Shaka’s legacy was his military reform to his army. He was never a true warrior himself.

In another simulated battle, they match up a Samurai Warrior with a Viking. Now this is an even match as both had the same style of weapons and a hunger of carnage. However, the Samurai won because the fight took place in a forest. With no snow. So once again the scales were heavily in favour of the Samurai Warrior.

The urban warfare between the Potato Eating IRA and the goat loving Taliban took place in a city, which favors the IRA as opposed to the mountains, which would favour the Taliban.

Only in South Africa

Only in South Africa.

I’ve said it before and I will say it again. Only in South Africa will you see or experience the shit that went down in Johannesburg today.

Today, the 24th of March, the whole of Johannesburg came to a standstill because the Taxi Associations embarked on mass action to protest against the Bus Rapid Transit (BRT) system that Government wants to install for the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

The Taxi owners reasoning behind the strikes is that the BRT will take away money from the Taxi owners. The bastards first started Toi Toing in Soweto, Lens, Eldo’s and Ales, and then slowly made their way towards town.

In protest they closed off all entrances into Eldo’s Lens Soweto and Alex and all exits from there. And they also threatened to shoot-to-kill anyone who tried to sneak out and go to work.

The Askria got wind of this and mobilised the whole JMPD and SAPS to the various areas.

I was on the M 1 going towards Melrose Arch this morning at 7 when the highway towards Soweto looked and sounded like a circus train. 30 JMPD and SAPS vehicles were driving in Formation to Soweto with their sirens wailing. A member of the Eldorado park massive was in the car in the lane next to me. He proceeded to roll down his window, flip the bird at the passing Askria and screamed at the top of his voice: “Its to late for that jou ma se P*&%TE”

Besides the fact that the Eldorado Park massive do have the filthiest mouths in the country is irrelevant. There is actually more truth behind the rant then meets the eye.


The Askria knew that the Taxi owners were getting pissed off for a while now. When the Gauteng Government initiated the Gautrain project, the bastards were Toi Toing in Main Street. And the leader of the various associations promised that this would not be the end. The Askria’s response: “In fact we will not be intimidated by these evil doers, we have lived to close to the woods to be scared by the tokoloshie, in fact!”
WELL DONE! I hope y’all screamed that on the loudspeakers when the mob was throwing stones at you, beating you up with knob kieries and burning posters of Zumatello.

Good news for sports fans is that it looks like the IPL and the ICC Champions Trophy is coming to SA.

This amazes me because a few years ago, south Africa was shunned by the rest of the world.

Does anyone recall how we ran up against Athens for the right to host the 2004 Olympic Games, or when we ran against Germany to host the 2006 FIFA World Cup? Since then we have hosted the 2003 ICC Cricket World Cup, and are now about to host the Champions Trophy and the IPL Word on the street is that we are strong contenders to host the 2015 Rugby World Cup. Maybe after that Slaap Stad can pull its finger out of its arse and put together a strong bid for a future Olympic Games.

One of the reasons that we are popular at the moment is that it is cheap to host a tournament in SA at the moment. Which is true, but would any of this have happened if we didn’t already have the 2010 FIFA World Cup.

Speaking of the tournament, massive efforts to punt the tournament are currently on the way. One of the first events is the World Peace summit organised by the LOC.

EXCUSE ME??????????????? WHAT THE HELL DOES THE LOC HAVE TO DO WITH ORGANISING A PEACE SUMMIT. FLIPPEN MAKE SURE THAT ALL THE SHIT IN SA WILL BE READY BEFORE ORGANISING THAT!

OH and that is not the best. They wanted to get the top peace makers in the World at the summit. And who does the African Ninja turtle Congress refuse a visa to? The Dali Lama!

WELL DONE AFRICAN NINJA TURTLE CONGRESS, WELL DONE!

WELCOME TO SOUTH AFRICA, Yes I have registered to vote So I can complain!