Only in Africa

Although I missed Africa a lot when I lived in Dubai, you do get used to a few pleasantries which are freely available to the rest of the world, which you wont find in Africa.

Even Leonardo Di Caprio famously proclaimed in Blood Diamond: TIA mate, This Is Africa.

So I will be discussing a number of the Africanisms that you wont find anywhere else in the world.

Public Humiliation Encouragement

A public debate to change the name of the biggest Airport in the country. Back in the day the airport in Johannesburg was called Jan Smuts International airport, which was named after one of the architects of Apartheid, Jan Smuts. Shortly after Nelson Mandela came into power in 1994 the ANC changed the name of the airport to Johannesburg International Airport because of what the ANC described as a new law which prevents airports being named after politicians. Three months after this the ANC changed the name of the airport again this time to OR Thambo International Airport. Oliver Thambo as we all know was one of the foremost leaders of the struggle against apartheid.

Now I am sorry, if you want to change the name of the airport from one political leader to another, why not just do it. Why drag your name through the mud before doing this?

Shifting the Blame from Pillar to Post

As most of us are aware, 2010 was the first time that Africa had the opportunity to host the FIFA World Cup when South Africa did a commendable job of it all.

That was until the second semi final in Durban between Spain and Germany where the kick off of the match was at 8 pm but some of the fans only landed in Durban at 11 pm to watch the last five minutes of the match.

And this was not because they missed their flights, this was because of the insane volumes of traffic on the runways at King Shaka International Airport.

The airport is run by Airports Company South Africa who are solely responsible for the maintenance and organisation of its runways. But on the night of the semi final there were apparently some jets of VIPs blocking a few of the parking bays at the airport and ACSA officials refused to move them because: “EEEEEEHHHHH you cant jist ask VIPz to move de plane!”

People were standing in cues to sue ACSA, to appease the situation ACSA spokesperson Solomon Mogale came on the radio the morning after the match at 7 am and reported that legally, the individuals have no recourse to sue ACSA because technically they were not at fault as a plane took off and landed, therefore a flight was made.

I am assuming that this excuse was not good enough because Mogale came on the radio again at 10 am saying that if there people really want to sue someone, then they should sue the owners of the private jets, because they are the ones who didn’t want to move.

I’m sorry, once again we have a case of stupid bastards in high positions making thick comments that shows their lack of education! If you, as Acsa, that RUN and MANAGE the King Shaka International Airport are having problems with a few screaming bitches who refuse to move their jets MOVE THE JETS FOR THEM! IT IS YOUR PROPERTY!

By making excuses like the excuses above you are portraying every South African in a bad light because the Brits and the Yaks will now think that the whole of SA thinks like bladdy Solomon Mogale!

The Case of the Magic Spot Fine

Having a hubbly at a mates house last night, the subject of speeding came up. Now a few of my friends have very high powered cars which daddy bought them. These cars are extremely capable of doing well over 200 kms without any real effort. Needless to say that because of this, a few of my mates are what you can call COW BOYS.

So one of these so called COW BOYS was travelling down a road which has a 80 km/h speed limit at 160 km/h. Of course the Askria is going to pull him over and the COW BOY gives the cop the biggest bullshit story in the world and he gets let off. Another COW BOY then suggested that the first should have asked the cop if a spot fine was applicable. This ‘Spot Fine’ would not have been more then R200 and would have never made an appearance in the Metro Police’s Traffic Violation Fund.

New Forms of Transportation

With the petrol price edging ever closer to R10/l consumers are vehemently looking for new forms of transport which will be easy on the pocket.

One of the best places to find this is in the auto trader. New or Used, it is a comprehensive guide to find a new form of transport. And with the new increases in mind, only in Africa will you find adverts such as this for new forms of transport.

What’s in a Name?

You have got to love the way African people name their children. Often, children will be named after specific events which are being played out in the lives of the parents at the time of the birth.

If the family is happy with the birth then the child is named Rejoice, if the child is good looking at birth it will be named Pretty, if Eskom are load shedding then the child will be named Darkness.

But a lot of the Africans with the more priceless names are the “Kwere Kwere” or illegal aliens. Africa must be the only place in the world where you can do your monthly grocery shopping as well as shopping for a ID Book and Passport at the same place. And this is where the real lottery comes in, because you never actually meet the person who makes these documents, you only deal with a middle man. And if you are not happy with the name given to you, then you have to fork out more cash, so 90% of the time the name given to you sticks. Shame!

I’m sure there are many more examples that people can give me. So why not supply them in the comment section below.

Facts of life

This might be one of the more serious posts on this blog people. So please be prepared.

I have done a lot of growing up during my hiatus from this blog. A lot may ask: But how does a man of 28 grow up? Shouldn’t you be all grown up already. But humans dont come preassembled in their adult form, I think that we never really stop growing up.

I mentioned previously on this blog that I was in love with a beautiful woman. Well I was, and unfortunately a little stitch in the fabric of our relationship came loose and everything around us just unravelled.

I was in a very bad place emotionally, I was severely depressed, on medication and seeing a psychologist to sort my life out. A lot of people have told me not to ever talk about this. Never let the people know what you went through, its not right.

But I never was and never will be ashamed of who I was or am. I am an open person, I am willing to discuss my life and the events therein if it benefits others. I am not ashamed to say that I was at times very suicidal, but through prayer and guidance from elders in the Church, I worked through it stronger then before.

It was more of an emotional development then anything else.

Now I find myself in a position where I am a shrink myself, although I don’t have the degree.

Many of the people at work come to me with their problems. I sit, listen and then give the best advise possible. A lot of the time people are shocked and asked me how I could be so understanding. “What did you expect me to say?” Id ask. “Well, I thought you would take sides and favour one side of the situation over the other.”

One of the things that really got to me during my break up with my girlfriend was when people used to run her down. And in hindsight, these people were my friends and were just looking out for my own best interests. But I failed to see what gave my friends the right to run a person down when they don’t know this person or the essence of what makes them a person. Even today, you can say what you want about me, you can insult ME. But don’t insult my family or have a bad word to say about my ex-girlfriend. You are then going into very dangerous territory hunting a beast you are not equipped to kill.

A very good friend of mine is currently having a few issues with her boyfriend over what can only be described by an outsider as bull shit. However it is often the smaller things that damage a relationship as opposed to the big things.

She confided in me and told me that things have never been the same after their issues and the loving interaction is not there. She is even considering a ‘break’ from their relationship.

Personally I don’t believe in ‘breaks.’ You are either in a relationship or you are not. No grey area should exist. Because in a ‘break’ situation you should be afforded a certain degree of freedom which you would not normally receive in a relationship, which you are still in.

Consider this: You are on a ‘break’ and your mates send you an invite to go to a strip club. You go because screw her, she wanted the break. You go there and one things leads to another, you have a few drinks to many, you end up at a bar/club, you get a girl to go home with you, you do the dirty, and then sober up.

Is all of this ok? Technically yes…you were on a break with your girl. Is it wrong? Technically yes because there are still vested feelings involved in a somewhat mess of what is still your relationship.It hasn't officially ended remember!

There is not a woman on this earth who would not leave their boyfriend for good if this happened.

Granted this is the worst case scenario. Best case is your friends invite you out and you spend the night getting drunk and chatting up girls.

But in the best and worst case scenario, the end result is the same.

I found this out the hard way: No matter how much a person loves you, no matter how far developed your relationship is, no matter how much he/she tells you they want to spend their lives with you and you are the one. None of this matters because the aggrieved person will drop you like a bad habit with scant regard for you or your feelings!

At the end of the day, very few relationships can survive these types of ‘breaks’. Look and asses the events that led up to this ‘break’ if you can talk and work through it, do so. If you cant then break up, because if you cant talk through it now, you wont be able to three or four months down the line.

My premature Bucket List

Seeing as though it has just occurred to me that the Grim Reaper is closer to visiting me then I suspect. It is time to take stock of my life and do a bucket list.

Before I get messages of commiserations and heartfelt tears. Let me state for the record that I am not going to die anytime soon and I do not have a fatal disease! This post is what I would do if I WERE going to die or if I HAD a fatal disease!

I have actually been inspired to do this by a work colleague of mine, Tracy Hancock who is also a new follower of this site. Welcome Tracy...also welcome to Asha and a very very good friend of mine…Eleanor.

This could go on for a while Tracy and I suggested that we limit lists to a certain number of activities. She’s doing 10 and because I always have to be one up on people, I am going to do 20.

1) Bungee jump off the highest and second highest bungee jumps in the world. I saw this in the Amazing Race last night and if the Grim Reaper is going to visit me I might as well show him I aint scared of shit!

2) Get a significant loan from the bank and then travel to Vegas and put it on the tables on the strip. Following on from the first item on the list everyone would agree that it would take balls of steel to do this right! But then again if you have a fatal illness with only weeks to live its not like they are going to haul your ass into a court room asking you for the money!

3) Tour Asia for a month visiting China, Thailand, Vietnam, Singapore, Hong Kong, Burma, Cambodia, South Korea and finally Japan. Something about the east fascinates me. And no, it not their women. The asset portfolios of Asian women are generally not impressive enough for me.

4) Cage Dive with Great White Sharks. Technically I can cross this off my list because I have already done this. But I would love to do it again.

5) Smoke Weed in Amsterdam. I am not a drug user and do not condone it, but again if you have a fatal illness with only a month to live…who cares!

6) Visit the Mayan and Incan temples in Central and South America. When the Irish were walking around in loincloths struggling to master the art of speech, the Mayans and the Incans were already the most civilised nations in the world with empires comparable to the Roman and British Empires.

7) Visit the Trevi Fountain…strip down into my swim trunks…and do few laps while singing “Eye of the Tiger”. What’s the worst they can do to you? Arrest you? Its not like you care that much if you only have a month to live!

8) Visit Buckingham Palace and mark my territory on the perimeter fence. Every English haters dream!

9) Provided I am released from incarceration in Italy and England I would visit the Mosi-O-Tunya. To non Swahili speaking people this is the Victoria Falls. I would visit the falls (from the Zambian Side) have a Mosi beer watching the sun set over the falls while listening to a bunch of Zimbabwean hubeed try and jump over the border fence into Zambia.

10) Visit the Masi Mara during the annual wildebeest migration. Who wouldn’t want to take a hot air balloon ride and get a birds eye view of the worlds biggest mass migration?

11) Provided I still have money from my trip to Vegas and provided I have been emancipated from my incarceration in Italy and England. I would take all of my friends down to Cape Town to have a week long jaul at the various clubs, pubs and shabeens where we would get extremely molar and comment on the asset portfolio of hot Cape Town woman. No explanation necessary on this one!

12) Me and my brother would visit Jamaica where we would drink loads of Red Stripe and visit the Bob Marley museum at Nine Mile St Anns! Every reggae lovers dream! We would then visit Cuba and try to have a meeting with Fidel Castro.

13) Try and jump the border fence between Zimbabwe and South Africa at Crooks Corner in the northern portion of the Kruger Park. Just to see if normal people and not Super Habeed can do it!

14) Try and jump the border fence between Mexico and the USA by swimming across the Rio Grande. Just to see if normal people and not Super Mexicans can do it!

15) Visit the pyramids in Egypt. Going back to my nomadic Arab roots.

16) Take a pilgrimage to Jerusalem. What every self-respecting Catholic should do.

17) Take a pilgrimage to Lebanon. What every self-respecting Maronite Catholic should do.

18) Go to the houses of all my ex girlfriends and cause a big scene where I would probably get arrested. What every self-respecting man that staring death in the face should do.

19) Go to Japan where I would purchase a Paul Chen samurai sword and then try to smuggle it out of Tokyo or Yokohama where apon my demise it would be left to my brother. You need written permission from the Japanese government to take a Paul Chen sword out of Japan as it is considered a item of national pride.

20) Have a hubbly at a café in Beirut. What every self respecting South African Lebanese person should aspire to.

AGE JUST A NUMBER?

At what stage does one start feeling old?

There are a lot of theorems which prove that the Grim Reaper is edging closer, one is when your metabolism slows down, another is when it takes three days to recover from a SOFT hangover, yet another is when you pass on going out during the week because of work the next day, and finally when you don’t want to have causal fornication with a girl unless it is going to mean something because you actually care about her feelings!

A lot of people will tell you that age is just a number, oh and what a number it can be at times.

The biggest news since the start of my hiatus from this blog is that Hooters has made an appearance in South Africa. It comes as no surprise to find out then that it is one of my favourite haunts where significant trouble is sometimes caused.

The last time I hit Hooters was the weekend before my birthday and it was a visit of EPIC proportions. Because my bodyguard Adam ‘Stalker’ Lew was driving I thought that it would be a perfect opportunity to get ABSOLUTLY out of hand. I wont go into to much detail but lets just say that on the night I consumed five litres of beer, 2 jagerbombs, and two tequila’s. I am very proud of this as you can see.

No signs of being old there…so we decided to go to Hooters this past weekend to have a drink on India in anticipation of them winning the Cricket World Cup. The last three times I had been to Hooters, we had the ugliest waitress in the place serve us, so I was saying a few prayers that we would have at least a half decent waitress this time.

And boy was she decent. Curves in all the right places and a set of assets that was very welcoming. So India won the cricket and we had a litre of beer to the team because a South African led them to the title.

At some stage of the evening we got onto the debate on how old our waitress, Lee, was. I said that judging by her asset portfolio, she had to be at least 25. I never studied asset management at RAU, but I am quite proficient in the management of the types of assets we were discussing. Adam surprised me and asked her how old she was. Lee shocked us all when she revealed that she was 18. I refused to believe this, because they never made 18 year olds that were built like her when I was 18. So she reaches into her little pouch around her perfectly formed waistline and pulls out her drivers licence and low and behold, she was born in 1993!

So she left our table to see to her other customers and Adam rubbed salt in the wounds when he said: “You realise that you are 11 years older then this girl!” It was at that stage when he started fading and I was in no mood to be made feeling like a grandpa! So we asked for the bill, as she brought it to the table she asked, “What’s wrong boys? Feeling a bit old?” I grumbled that yes this was in fact the case, so she replied: “Why should you feel old? 24 is not old!” Now I haven’t been called 24 since I was 18, so she got a 50% tip as opposed to the customary 15%.

Time we entered Hooters: 19:30, time we left Hooters: 22:30

We are getting old son! We are getting old!

Finally! The Lion has come back to life!

Disclaimer: Under the Electoral Act, defacing election posters is a criminal offense and considered malicious damage to property. The manipulated images in this piece are fictitious and by no means represent the views or intentions of the parties involved. The following article is intended as nothing more than political satire.
After an hiatus of nearly two years! Finally...The Lion has come back to life.

And what better stage to make his comeback then on the greatest stage of them all! The Arab world hitting a self destruct button and imploding in on itself!

A few months ago we saw a few mad Egyptians engaging in running battles with the Askria because they thought that a certain Mr Hosni Mubarak outstayed his welcome at the helm of the North African giant.

And rightly so, Mubarak has been in power ever since the assassination of Anwar El Sadat in 1975, making him one of the longest serving heads of state in history after Muammar Gaddafi and Omar Bongo.

So the people of Egypt rallied together, gathered in Tahrir Square a couple of times, sang striking renditions of : "hell no we wont go!" and threw stones at the cops.

Mubarak eventually said that he would step down, as long as no body busts a cap in his ass as he walks in the streets...there was no guarantee of this, and he already said that he would step down, so he went into political exile in an unnamed country.

Incidentally the last African dictator to die in exile was Big DADA (real name: Idi Amin Dada).

We digress. After Egypt it was, and still is Libya.

Officially, the reason for the unrest in Libya is that the public is tired of Gaddafi's almost 40 rule of the country where the rich get richer and the poor starve to death with no jobs. Unofficially, according to Gaddafi, he is the victim of a evil plot by Nestle.

Gaddafi said that the trouble in Libya started because Nestle was adding LSD and hallucinogenics as an incrediant in chocolates destined for Libya, and only for Libya, the youth of the country ate these chocolates and whent mad, and then stirred up trouble!

YES BOY! WE BELIEVE YOU! NICE MUAMMAR! NICE!

After Libya it was Yemen, Bahrain, and now Syria!

Talking to a work college he mentioned that perhaps its unrest like this that will put the country on the right track...agreed...but the sad thing is, like my ancestral homeland Lebanon, the country will be reduced to ruins before achieving this.

What does all of this have to do with SA, well, we had our own problems in the past and it now election time which means that there will be at least one service delivery protest a week leading up to May 18. Should violence spark up, lets just hope Zumatello does not let this country go the same way that Egypt and Libya has gone.

If the shoe fits, wear it.

So South Africa has been knocked out of yet another high profile ICC Tournament. And it seems that the ‘chocker tag’ is going to stick for a long time.

There was a lot of expectation on South Africa going into the tournament as the worlds top ranked team in both the test and one day arena. And the world was thinking: surely they cant loose on home soil.

A few events in this tournament led to our demise and we were the main architects in a way.

Firstly, all of the other top teams in the world came to South Africa with regular playing time behind them. Out of the teams participating in the Champions Trophy only South Africa and the West Indies had not played cricket in three months.

Secondly, what was Graeme Smith thinking when he won the toss against Sri Lanka and sent them into bat on a wicket that looked a belter. Perhaps the though of making the Asians bowl at South Africa is dewy conditions appealed to the man, but it was ultimately the wrong decision. We were also very lacklustre in both the bowling and fielding departments.

We then came out and beat the Kiwis convincingly, but lost to England yet again under lights in Centurion. Although there was not much that smith could do as England won the toss and elected to bat first. Again, our bowling was appalling at times.

As usual every other excuse in the world was made except the fact that we played crap cricket in two of our three group games, and in a tournament such as the Champions Trophy that is unacceptable.

The time for making excuses is over. Sure Mickey ‘Mouse’ Arthur is a good coach and has done fantastic things with the team, but a few things about his performance, particularly in this tournament, need to be questioned.

Firstly, our lack of game time should have been looked at. If the ICC Cricket schedule allowed for a tournament one would have been arranged, even if is against weaker teams such as Zimbabwe and Kenya. Its match practice. If the Indians or Pakistani’s have a break in their schedules they arrange a mini tri-nations event and play each other.

Secondly, our lack of seasoned veterans in the bowling department needs to be resolved and fast. In both the Sri Lanka and England matches, we could have done with a pace bowler that could call on experience and bowl a consistent line and length. He would come in at the expense of Roelof Van De Merwe, who was initially included in the squad as a batsman, but now finds himself languishing at the bottom of the order. Couldn’t a case be made for the inclusion of Makhaya Ntini, who is in the squad carrying drinks on the field.

Looking at the tournament, there were some high scores with Pakistan, Sri Lanka, and England both passing the 300 mark. So the wickets are batsman friendly, which should suit South Africa with its long batting line up. Perhaps an extra bowler who can try and restrict the runs would be a better option for South Africa then the extra batsman who has not performed.

What’s even more scary is the form of England who are visiting South Africa at the end of the year for a full tour.

They look to be a team that is gaining confidence with every match played. Although the Australian team touring England was viewed as a weakened team, they were favourites to retain the ashes as they came off a wining series in South Africa. However, England won the Ashes, but lost the 7 match ODI series convincingly, 6-1 in fact. They seem to have turned that ODI form around by winning their two Champions Trophy games. This seems a bit ominous ahead of what is a crucial opportunity for South Africa to silence their critics and gain some retribution for their Champions Trophy exit.

The only major downside to the England tour at the end of the year will be the arrival of the Barmy Army hell bent on singing poncy songs, getting drunk and giving the world all the reson to thank the lord that they are not English.

Making a comeback and dollars in Zim

Its been a long time since I wrote anything for this blog, but I thought that today is as good a day as any right?

I love traveling to other countries, who doesn’t right, but unlike most I want to travel to different African countries before I spread my wings further. And my count is increasing. So far I have visited, Lesotho, Swaziland, Mozambique, Kenya, and Zambia.

If you had to ask me which country in Africa Id like to visit least. Zimbabwe is up there along with Somalia, Ethiopia, and the Sudan. But low and behold. The company sends me to Zimbabwe for a mining indaba last week.

You know that a country is F’D up when you are reading up on the internet about travel requirements to Zim and you get a random bitch and moan like this:

I’ve always said that traveling into Africa is interesting and has its challenges. Seems like Zimbabwe has more challenges then most. The Harare International Airport is quite nice and more sophisticated then Lusaka International and has its walls adorned with pictures of their beloved president for life Bob Mugabe with his ridiculas F***ING Adolf Hitler moustache. Anyway, we had to fill in a yellow form on the plane stating who we were, where we came from, and what our occupation is. For the whole flight I was contemplating as to whether I should put down that I am a journalist. I did, and well I got asked every question under the sun at the immigration desk. They then took my camera’s batteries away and gave them back to me when I left the country.

I was given my own bodyguard in Zimbabwe as they love to rob white people who they perceive as tourists and hate journalists even more then they love robbing the whites. Anyway, on my way to the ministry of information in downtown Harare you pass the only construction site in Zimbabwe, which hasn’t seen any work in over 2 years, a power station that doesn’t work, and potholes that resemble craters. You see a lot of stray dogs running around the capital and people walking around with domesticated warthogs on leashes as pets.

The political landscape in Zim is also interesting. At the conference, Mugabe was calling for a stop to international sanctions from the international community. The next day, Prime minister, Morgan Tsvangirai said that there was no international conspiracy to undermine Zimbabwe. Two points of view, who do you believe?

One comment that went down very well was when Mugabe told the organisers of the conference: "Its so nice to see some white faces in the audience, I thought I cased them all away."

And don’t believe for a minute that traveling in Africa is cheap! Zimbabwe has caught on pretty nicely. Since the fall of the Zim Dollar last year, the country has adopted the Rand in the South of the country and the US Dollar in the North of the country. I was put up in the same hotel as the indaba and internet access is $6 an hour, a bottle of water is $6 and a can of coke is $2.

I made it back in once piece and rest assured….I will not be wanting to go back anytime soon.