Making a comeback and dollars in Zim

Its been a long time since I wrote anything for this blog, but I thought that today is as good a day as any right?

I love traveling to other countries, who doesn’t right, but unlike most I want to travel to different African countries before I spread my wings further. And my count is increasing. So far I have visited, Lesotho, Swaziland, Mozambique, Kenya, and Zambia.

If you had to ask me which country in Africa Id like to visit least. Zimbabwe is up there along with Somalia, Ethiopia, and the Sudan. But low and behold. The company sends me to Zimbabwe for a mining indaba last week.

You know that a country is F’D up when you are reading up on the internet about travel requirements to Zim and you get a random bitch and moan like this:

I’ve always said that traveling into Africa is interesting and has its challenges. Seems like Zimbabwe has more challenges then most. The Harare International Airport is quite nice and more sophisticated then Lusaka International and has its walls adorned with pictures of their beloved president for life Bob Mugabe with his ridiculas F***ING Adolf Hitler moustache. Anyway, we had to fill in a yellow form on the plane stating who we were, where we came from, and what our occupation is. For the whole flight I was contemplating as to whether I should put down that I am a journalist. I did, and well I got asked every question under the sun at the immigration desk. They then took my camera’s batteries away and gave them back to me when I left the country.

I was given my own bodyguard in Zimbabwe as they love to rob white people who they perceive as tourists and hate journalists even more then they love robbing the whites. Anyway, on my way to the ministry of information in downtown Harare you pass the only construction site in Zimbabwe, which hasn’t seen any work in over 2 years, a power station that doesn’t work, and potholes that resemble craters. You see a lot of stray dogs running around the capital and people walking around with domesticated warthogs on leashes as pets.

The political landscape in Zim is also interesting. At the conference, Mugabe was calling for a stop to international sanctions from the international community. The next day, Prime minister, Morgan Tsvangirai said that there was no international conspiracy to undermine Zimbabwe. Two points of view, who do you believe?

One comment that went down very well was when Mugabe told the organisers of the conference: "Its so nice to see some white faces in the audience, I thought I cased them all away."

And don’t believe for a minute that traveling in Africa is cheap! Zimbabwe has caught on pretty nicely. Since the fall of the Zim Dollar last year, the country has adopted the Rand in the South of the country and the US Dollar in the North of the country. I was put up in the same hotel as the indaba and internet access is $6 an hour, a bottle of water is $6 and a can of coke is $2.

I made it back in once piece and rest assured….I will not be wanting to go back anytime soon.

A bunch of whinging bastards

The Aussies have really become a bunch of whinging bastards haven’t they.

Before the Aussies lost the Ashes in 2005, you never heard them complain about anything, but since then you hear them complain every now and then about the most insane shit ever!

The latest gripe concerns South Africa’s new running sensation Caster Semenya. Semenya has been a revelation for South Africa at the World Championships in Berlin where she won gold in the Woman’s 800 m in spectacular fashion.

The morning before the race reports from Sydney surfaced that Semenya was actually a man and that she should be able to compete in the woman’s race. It also emerged that it was the Aussie contingent that asked the IAAF to conduct gender tests on Semenya.

Granted Semenya does have big feet, big hands, a flat chest and a manly looking face, but so did Maria Matola. However, when Semenya opens her mouth and sounds like ‘Beast’ Mataweira, you can see where the Aussies are coming from.

Be that as it may, how many gold’s have the Aussies won in this championships? Zero, None, Nadda. So it’s a case of sour grapes.

Over the years the Aussies have really be cultivating this particular vintage.

Like I said, it all started after loosing the Ashes to England in England in 2005. Ever since then the golden age of Aussie dominance is waning.

In the past Australia’s dominance in the pool was total. Ian Thorpe left everyone in his wake as he claimed medal after medal and world record after world record. And that was a bragging point for the Aussies until Michael Phelps came along, smashed all of Thorpe’s previous records in one Olympic Games. Rest of the World 1 - Australia 0

In the past Pat Rafter was one of the top ranked tennis players in the world and was a contender for a number of grand slam titles. When he retired along came that arrogant little shit Lleyton Hewitt who air punches and screams ‘come on’ at the top of his arrogant little shit voice. But ask yourself….. when last did he win a title? Rest of the World 2 – Australia 0

Up until last year Australia held the distinction of being the only country in the world to win the Rugby World Cup twice. Now they are just the whipping boys of Southern Hemisphere rugby. Rest of the World 3 – Australia 0

The only sport where Australia maintain their dominance is in cricket where they will more then likely retain the Ashes by either beating the English or drawing the last test. But watch this space as both England and South Africa pushed Australia to unknown limits over the past few series. Rest of the World 3 – Australia 1.

15 years since the introduction of the ‘New South Africa’ and we ask ourselves… are we still a nation of racist bastards or have we reformed?

We all know that on the roads people are still racist and hate the Taxi Drivers with a passion, mind you so do some of the African road users. The specific focus area that I will discuss today is sport.

When Nelson Mandela became the first democratically elected president of the country he made it his mission to transform our jaded global image. Realising the potential power that sports has he tasked the late Steve Tshwete with the mission to clean up our sporting act.

And Tshwete did pretty well. Chester Williams became the first player of colour to win the Rugby World Cup with South Africa in 1995, and since then we have had a regular stream of decent players of colour playing for the boks He did pretty well in cricket as well with the discovery of Makhaya Ntini who paved the way for many other players of colour to grace the Protea stage.

So it was very much mission accomplished for the late sports minister. However, events over time suggest that he never completely go rid of the scourge of racism and recent events will really make the man turn in his grave.

Celebrations surrounding the Springboks win over the All Blacks on the weekend was a bit jaded after reports over a racist attack at the Wanderers Rugby Club surfaced. The Wanderers first team was hosting the Eldoronians Rugby Club first team from Eldorado Park, a predominantly coloured area. The captain of the Eldoronians first team was talking to the ref about an alleged bad tackle made on one of his players. The captain of Wanderers came out and said ‘leave the ref alone’, the Eldos captain said ‘f*** off this is not your business’. He woke up 4 hours later in a hospital with a gash on his head that needed 13 stitches, two front teeth that were missing and a severe case of concussion. Apparently as he turned around to go back to his team the Wanderers captain hit him with a shot that would make Mike Tyson proud. The game then turned into a free-for-all and the ref had to abandon the match.

Now Im not saying that the captain from Wanderers should have done what he did, but the boys from Eldos are definitely no saints! In my RAU playing days we played a game at Eldos and the touch judge made a debateable call on a Eldos player. All you heard was a fan from the stands saying: ‘his ma sé p*%s…this is sommer kak!’ He picked up a quart bottle, ran up to the touch judge and bottled him over the head.

Last year, at a game between South Africa and Australia at Ellis Park the crowd verbally abused a black South African fan. There was a huge public outcry when the said fan told all to the press and an official investigation was launched and a headhunt for the abusive fan insued. It even resulted in a bounty being placed on the head of the fan who hurled the abuse.

Another big issue on Tshwete’s agenda was to increase the number of coloured players in representative sport. This was to be achieved through the implementation of the quota system whereby the national cricket and rugby team had to have a minimum number of coloured players on the field at any one time.

The system was implemented and somewhat begrudgingly accepted by the cricket and rugby loving public… that’s until Bafoona Bafoona refused to implement their own quota system. And you see the grounds for a solid argument here. Surely what’s good for the goose is good for the gander? How different is Bafoona Bafoona now then the racist cricket and rugby teams of old?

Its one of those issues that will plague our country for years to come. The quota system was dropped a few months ago because it was said that it is degrading to players of colour to be labeled a quota player because it seems as if they are there because of the colour of their skin rather then for their skill. There was talk a few months ago to re-institute the system but these calls were rubbished by the relevant unions because of the skin colour above skills issue.

What you make up on the roundabouts, you loose on the swings

South Africans have generally got a lot to smile about sporting wise. For a country as small as ours we have the tendency to produce some of the most tenacious naturally gifted sportspeople in the world. Only Australia has a better reputation for its size.

But lately South African sportspeople have taken their eyes of the ball as it were.

The biggest disparity is in Athletics and Swimming. South Africa made its return into the international Olympic arena at the Barcelona Olympic Games in 1992, South Africa had mixed success with Elana Meyer the only athlete to bring home a silver medal which she came second in the 10 000 m race.

In Atlanta in 1996 we showed the world our true potential, In the pool, Penny Heynes won double gold in the 100 and 200 m breaststroke events while Marianne Kriel won bronze in the 100 m backstroke. On the track, Hezikiel Sepeng won silver in the 800 m, Josia Tugwane won gold in the marathon.

Sydney 2000 was the year that we started to fall. In the swimming Terrence Parkin won silver in the 200 m breaststroke while Penny Heynes won bronze in the 100 m breaststroke event. In Athletics Llewellyn Herbert won bronze in the 400m hurdles and Hestrie Cloetie won silver in the high jump.

In Athens we fared a bit better. Roland Schoeman won bronze in the 50 m freestyle and silver in the 100 m freestyle. The 100 m freestyle relay team won gold. Mbulaeni Mulaudzi won silver in the men’s 800 m while Hestrie Cloetie once again won silver in the woman’s high jump.

So it took us 10 years and 2 Olympic Games to win our next gold medals.

The 2008 Beijing Olympics was a write off. Why pitched up no one knows. We won nothing in the pool, a traditional area of strength, and one silver medal on the track with Khotso Mokoena winning silver in the long jump.

Watching the Fina world champs last night, where South Africa still has only won one bronze medal, you ask yourself, where are we going as a nation in a traditional area of strength. Granted we don’t have the money to spend on the development of the sport that countries like the US and Australia have, but something needs to be done to resolve the situation.

What perplexes me is that the majority of our swimmers are based at the top training bases in the US where they get the best training, so why cant they take that training and convert it into results?

The Department of Sport and Recreation did a in depth probe into our abysmal Olympic campaign and paid particular attention to swimming where great things were expected, but nothing materialised.

Poor management was blamed for the fact that we never won a medal. After the 100 m relay team lost the final reports surfaced of descent shown towards the swim teams manager and a scuffle between Schoeman and the manager came to life. Schoeman claimed that the management were unorganised while the management claimed that Schoeman was egotistic.

Whatever the reason was, Government needs to realise that the problem of development exists and that if nothing is done quickly, we are going to have many more lean years. There is no future up and coming swimmers on the horizon that are of the quality of Schoeman and Ryk Neetling.

For the first time in 10 years, South Africa does not have a golfer in the Top 20 ranked golfers in the world. Ernie Els is getting on a bit and Retief Goosen just cant make the grade at major championships. Once again, outside of these two golfers who do we have? Who are our up-an-coming golfers? Since winning the US Masters last year Trevor Immelman has fallen off the map and hasn’t won anything or even threatened to win anything.

The only sports where we have a lot to smile about is Cricket and Rugby. After the win over the All Blacks on the weekend coach Graham Henry said that the current Springbok team is the best he has ever came up against and that it is worthy of the number one world ranking. Bookmakers have South Africa as favorites to win the Tri Nations tournament as a result of Saturdays win. As always John Smit was humble in accepting the accolade of being the best team in the world saying that it is always better to chase the world number one spot then retain it for years on end.

In cricket, even though South Africa lost the home series to Australia, we are regarded as the second best test team in the world, and that could change, should the English be able to reclaim the Ashes. Which is a huge possibility. England has a half decent bowling attack with a decent batting order. Australia has a decent batting line up with a bowling attack that depends a lot on Mitchell Johnson. Johnson has been having a bit of trouble of late since his mom accused his girlfriend of being a sharmooto and a child snatcher in the media. Johnson is dating his 45 year old Karate instructor.... He's only 26.

A look back

So the 50th post came and went like the proverbial ‘thief in the night’ I was planning to do a look back on the biggest issues that we have covered and provide additional commentary on them. Well its better late then never I suppose.

The Scarlet Pimpernel
Its seems like I have been writing and not providing a sufficient background of myself. Many of you will ask the key question: ‘ is he qualified to make the statements that he does on his site’

Well a bit more of a background. I am a journalist by trade and pride myself on my keen eye for detail and somewhat critical view on society. Granted I do write for the Mining Weekly magazine, but that just means I’m taught to take politicians less seriously and look beyond the bullshit that they are at times masters of providing.

Now that the ‘Scarlet Pimpernel’ has been unmasked as it where, we can go into the issues with renewed verve.

The Wild West
I wrote a post in early April that likened South Africa to the Wild West. I got a lot of feedback on this article praising it for its accurate comparisons of South Africa’s current social society and that of the tumultuous time in America’s history where the west was being won.

A key aspect of society in the Wild West was that many of the towns were overrun by everyone else except for those in public office. Towns like tombstone Arizona, which were overrun by desperado’s hell bent on general skulduggery, was commonplace.

Although Tombstone had one of the best law enforcers in the country patrolling the streets, the Clanton gang still ran amok ‘rootin, tootin, and shootin’

South Africa is the same. Everyone else, except for those in Government run the country. Hell, JZ should just step down and make Zwelinzima Vavi the president. South Africa has seen no less then 22 strikes since October last year. 90% of which were organised by Cosatu.

In fact it is considered un-South African to not participate in some form of strike action. And the frequencies of the strikes are increasing. 2 weeks ago the doctors were on strike because of their wages, as soon as that ended the SABC went on strike, last week the construction industry went on strike, and this week the petrochemical industry might go on strike.

But as stated before, the crowd in South Africa is fickle and will strike at the drop of a hat and for any old thing.

Africa’s Showpiece
2010 is a big year for South Africa. It is the year that we host the second biggest sporting event in the world, the FIFA World Cup.

This has been a hotly discussed topic because of concerns of South Africa’s readiness for the event.

The FIFA Confederations Cup was used as a dry run for the World Cup and by all accounts the event was a success, but there were problems.

One of the challenges was the public transport system to the stadium. Owing to FIFA being a bunch of anal bastards, all access roads with 2 km of the stadiums were blocked off. The public were to use a park and ride system to get to the stadiums. There were major problems here as people were arriving late to the stadiums and took two hours to get back from the stadiums to their cars.

2 major incidents stick out here. During the match between Brazil and Egypt, played at the Royal Bafokeng Sports Palace, the majority of the fans only got to their seats after halftime. In the other incident, when Italy played Egypt at Ellis Park, people were left stranded at 11 pm at night two blocks away from Hillbrow.

There was also a major culture shock for a number of people coming to SA for the first time. Watching soccer in a civilised country such as Italy or Spain you are subjected to fans who drink a bit, take their shirts off and chant a bit. If you are in Italy you might get a Vespa thrown at you from the top tier of the San Siero. In South Africa, you have to watch soccer surrounded by fans with balaclavas over their faces, vuvuzela’s in their one hand, a dictionary in their other hand, and a cut up hardhat on their heads.

All’s Well that Ends Well
I suppose that South Africa is still the best place on earth, you get a real appreciation for that when you live away from the country like I did when I lived in Dubai for 2 years. Granted there are a lot of things about Dubai that I miss, but the whole time when I was there I missed South Africa terribly.

On a personal note I fell in love with the most beautiful girl in the world. Its funny how finding love can change your life. Much of the credit for many pieces on this blog can be given to Jessica who has given me the inspiration to enhance my skills as a writer, and my life in general.

Lunatics and Eccentric Behaviour

No matter how normal society wants to be there will always be lunatics and people with eccentric behavior that will stuff up that maxim and ultimately make life interesting for those around them.

Springbok rugby coach Peter De Villiers, who will from this day on be referred to as P Divvie, gave us a bit of an insight into the mind workings of a loon when he came out with a barrage of unacceptable comments after the second test between the British and Irish Lions and the Boks.

Concerning the Schalk Burger eye gouging incident, P Divvie said that we should all go to the shops and buy ballerina outfits and change our sport because rugby is to physical for us.

Now although Divvie has a point in that the Brtis are not renowned as the hardest men on earth, however, a) you cant support an incident such as that as eye gouging is pretty serious, b) its one thing calling the Brits a bunch of soft bastards among friends, but you cant do such things in the media. You will be branded a loon. Oh… and then he made a comment along the lines of: if South Africans wanted to go around eye gouging people they would go to the Northern Cape and do it there, again a poor stab at our racial past. He also tried his hand at being the next Mohammed Ali, telling the world how great and unstoppable he is, except... who would take a person who’s voice hasn’t dropped yet seriously.

Another mad bastard is the president of the ANC Youth League…. South African Rocket Scientist of the year 2008….. Julias Malema.

Malema was in the equality court last Friday for comments made in the run up to the 2009 Presidential elections. In the run up to the elections there was a lot of hoopla made about an illicit liaison Jacob Zuma had with a HIV positive woman. It was alleged that he raped her and didn’t use a saddlecloth in the process. It was then reported that the woman was a family friend of Zuma and that Zuma had a cold shower after the pumping session to get rid of the HIV.

The rape charge was laid and in the lead up to the lections, Malema came out and said that the woman was not raped and that she enjoyed her time with Zuma. GREAT COMMENT!!!!!!!!!!! So in court his advocate told the judge that Malema’s comments were misconstrued and taken out of context. LIKE BLADDY HELL THEY WERE! I suppose the kill for Zuma comments and the comments about Naledi Pandor and her fake accent were taken out of context to.

He’s a prime candidate for Loon of the year.

When you watch Formula 1 racing you’d associate it with class and finesse , especially since the races take place in locations such as Monaco. But one look at the administration of the sport and you will change your mind. Last year, reports leaked out that geriatric FIA CEO Max Mosley was seen having a pumping session in an upmarket London Hotel with sharmoot’s dressed up as Nazi’s. He denied the reports, but when tabloid newspaper News of the World produced photographic evidence supporting the fact, he resigned.

A year on from this and the sport was just recovering from the incident when current CEO Bernie Ecclestone praised Adolf Hitler in the media for his ability to ‘get things done’ again…. Ecclestone now claims that his comments were taken out of context.

The final act of lunacy for today comes from the world of Rugby League where a player from the highly respected Sydney Roosters decided to have a dump in the corridor of a hotel because he couldn’t get to the shush in time.

You’d think that an isolated incident. NAY NAY. Read the below stories from the world of Rugby League in Australia.

The Roosters have been prime offenders with two players charged over a bar scuffle which left a woman's face bruised and even coach Brad Fittler fined 10,000 Australian dollars for being found drunk and half-naked at a team hotel. In June, former Test player Greg Bird was jailed for at least eight months for smashing a glass into his girlfriend's face, leaving her with a fractured eye socket and a cut eye, just weeks earlier, the sport was rocked by a documentary detailing a group sex incident involving one of its legends, Matthew Johns, who lost his job as a TV pundit afterwards. Officials are also in the firing line, with Cronnulla Sharks CEO Tony Zappia stood down for showing a female employee, whom he had accidentally punched, a pornographic email and asking whether she wanted to spank him.

The incidents have prompted a crisis of confidence among players, with 60 percent telling a recent survey they were embarrassed to be part of what is widely regarded as the world's most competitive rugby league.

What world do you live in?

In May, I wrote about the dangers of having a narrow view on the world, that the world is bigger then your little sphere of existence.

I visit this topic yet again, but from a completely different point of view.

One of the biggest gripes I have with the international community is the perception that they have about Africans. You would swear that the rest of the world developed and got roads and buildings and electricity. Whereas Africa still has dirt roads with rickshaws as transport and fires for energy.

My first encounter with this was watching a test match between South Africa and England at Kingsmead. Myself and my best friend Michael were sitting in the stands at the Old Fort Road end getting horribly drunk when a scaly British girl came and sat next to us. She must have been butt ugly, cause even after 10 hunters dry she was ugly. Anyway…. We digress. After putting 3 bottles of sun cream on her nose she asks us if we live in SA. We replied that we did and she goes into this thing that she always wanted to sleep on a beach and wake up the next morning. She then asks if she can do that in SA!

I mean really!!!!!!!!!! Come on!!!!!!!!!

The oldest skewed perception of South Africa is our living conditions. While in Dubai I made a few American mates and all they could ask if we have lions in our backyard and do we go to work on the back of elephants.

And its funny that everyone has this perception about Africa, but Africans don’t ask Americans if they have Apache Indian Raids at night, or if they have Grizzlies walking around in their back garden.

My best is the ‘African Americans’. Every time you hear an interview with a African American celebrity and the subject of South Africa comes up you will hear: ‘Id love to go back to South Africa, it will be a home coming for me to see where my ancestors came from before being brought as slaves to America.’

NOW HOLD ON……. I wish that one day the interviewer would look the celebraty in the eye and say: ‘You aint going home to shit.’ Allow me to explain: Yes there was a big slave trade to the US from Africa…. WEST AFRICA, the slaves came from Nigeria, Cameroon, and the Ivory Coast. Not South Africa. If they were shipped from South Africa to America, they’d die! Or take 15 years to get there.

Wackjob boxing promoter Don King made this mistake when he came to SA about 13 years ago. One day he woke up and pronounced that he wanted to go to Soweto. While there he was walking through the streets, with miniature US flags in his hand, making peace signs and screaming “I’M HOME EVERYBODY! I’M HOME!” He then made his way to Winnie Mandela’s house and screamed at her gate “WINNIE!!!!!! WINNIE IT’S DON KING HERE! IM HOME WINNINE LET ME IN WINNIE. DON KING IS HOME.” Winnine never let him in, rather she sent her security personnel to him at the gate and he was told to piss off.

Below are some real questions posted on a South African tourism website, the responses might be real but don’t quote me that they are.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.