What world do you live in?

In May, I wrote about the dangers of having a narrow view on the world, that the world is bigger then your little sphere of existence.

I visit this topic yet again, but from a completely different point of view.

One of the biggest gripes I have with the international community is the perception that they have about Africans. You would swear that the rest of the world developed and got roads and buildings and electricity. Whereas Africa still has dirt roads with rickshaws as transport and fires for energy.

My first encounter with this was watching a test match between South Africa and England at Kingsmead. Myself and my best friend Michael were sitting in the stands at the Old Fort Road end getting horribly drunk when a scaly British girl came and sat next to us. She must have been butt ugly, cause even after 10 hunters dry she was ugly. Anyway…. We digress. After putting 3 bottles of sun cream on her nose she asks us if we live in SA. We replied that we did and she goes into this thing that she always wanted to sleep on a beach and wake up the next morning. She then asks if she can do that in SA!

I mean really!!!!!!!!!! Come on!!!!!!!!!

The oldest skewed perception of South Africa is our living conditions. While in Dubai I made a few American mates and all they could ask if we have lions in our backyard and do we go to work on the back of elephants.

And its funny that everyone has this perception about Africa, but Africans don’t ask Americans if they have Apache Indian Raids at night, or if they have Grizzlies walking around in their back garden.

My best is the ‘African Americans’. Every time you hear an interview with a African American celebrity and the subject of South Africa comes up you will hear: ‘Id love to go back to South Africa, it will be a home coming for me to see where my ancestors came from before being brought as slaves to America.’

NOW HOLD ON……. I wish that one day the interviewer would look the celebraty in the eye and say: ‘You aint going home to shit.’ Allow me to explain: Yes there was a big slave trade to the US from Africa…. WEST AFRICA, the slaves came from Nigeria, Cameroon, and the Ivory Coast. Not South Africa. If they were shipped from South Africa to America, they’d die! Or take 15 years to get there.

Wackjob boxing promoter Don King made this mistake when he came to SA about 13 years ago. One day he woke up and pronounced that he wanted to go to Soweto. While there he was walking through the streets, with miniature US flags in his hand, making peace signs and screaming “I’M HOME EVERYBODY! I’M HOME!” He then made his way to Winnie Mandela’s house and screamed at her gate “WINNIE!!!!!! WINNIE IT’S DON KING HERE! IM HOME WINNINE LET ME IN WINNIE. DON KING IS HOME.” Winnine never let him in, rather she sent her security personnel to him at the gate and he was told to piss off.

Below are some real questions posted on a South African tourism website, the responses might be real but don’t quote me that they are.

Q: Will I be able to see elephants in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Durban to Cape Town - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only two thousand kilometres take lots of water...

Q: Can you give me some information about Koala Bear racing in South Africa? (USA)
A: Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the pacific. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the Koala Bear racing is every Tuesday night in Hillbrow. Come naked.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Hillbrow, straight after the Koala Bear races. Come naked.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in South Africa who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca, which is where YOU come from. All South African snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I was in South Africa in 1969, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Hillbrow. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first.