Its hard to make decisions staring down the barrell of a smoking gun

So the British and Irish Lions are in South Africa to prove once again that the allegations that the men from the north are Toffs is unfounded.

For those who don’t know who or what the hell I am talking about, the British and Irish Lions is an invitational team made up of the best that Wales, Ireland, sometimes England, and sometimes Scotland has to offer. This team assembles every four years and tours either South Africa, the criminal Australian’s or the sheep shagging New Zealanders.

So once every 12 years we get to host a smaller group of about 40 scaly Brits, and a larger group of about 800 rank scaly Brtis. The last tour was in 1996 and we had a crap time of it. The Lions beat South Africa by 2 tests to 1. It could have been the other way around if Henry Honiball kicked more the 1 out of 12 over the three tests, and if someone shot Neil Jenkins it would have helped.

The fact that we were coached by a rank F Ing amateur in 1996 also compounded our woes. At least Peter de Villiers has a decent record behind him.

This time around I think the Lions are staring down the barrel of a smoking gun. And when that happens you cant make decisions.

The Lions starting 15 is a mystery to everyone. Who will play on the day?

Unlike John Robbie who refuses to put his proverbial on the block I have attempted to make a few summations. Lets see how far off I am.

With an invitational team, combinations are important. You want key players who know each others game playing together.

Because England and Scotland have got nothing to offer the Lions this year, the starting team will be predominantly Welsh and Irish. The player who picks himself is the captain Paul O’Connell, a likely lock partner for him will be Donnacha O’Callaghan. You’ll need someone who knows the rhythm of the jumpers to throw into the lineout so Jerry Flannery should play hooker.

Right so there’s your two locks and hooker sorted.

Then we go to the next pivotal game axis, that of your half backs.

Word on the street is that Welshman Mike Phillips is the best that the north has to offer, should that be the case then Stephen Jones will play flyhalf.

2xLocks, 1xHooker, 1xScrumhalf, 1xFlyhalf sorted.

Actually, Flyhalf is still debateable purely because you cant leave out Irishman Brian O’Driscoll out. The brains trust might opt for Ronan O’Gara at flyhalf. However the scrumhalf-flyhalf combination is more important then the flyhalf-centre combination, so I’m going for Jones.

2xLocks, 1xHooker, 1xScrumhalf, 1xFlyhalf, 1xCentre sorted.

It’s a toss up with the rest of the team. Jamie Heaslip should play open side flank, Martyn Williams should play blindside flank, and Andy Powell should play eigthman.

The outside centre berth is a toss up between Jamie Roberts and the Sheep Shagging turncoat Rickie Fluty. Roberts has youth on his side and a six nations trophy to his name. Fluty has the brand turn coat to his.

Welsh wing, and IRB player of the year 2008, Shane Williams picks himself at right wing with Lee Halfpenny and Lee Byrne making up the rest of the back three.

The two token bastards are actually key men to the Lions success. Scottish Tighthead Prop Euan Murray and English Loosehead Prop Andrew Sheridan are key men to break down the Boks dominance in the forwards.

So my Lions starting team is:

15) Lee Byrne
14) Shane Williams
13) Jamie Roberts
12) Brian O’Driscoll
11) Lee Halfpenny
10) Stephen Jones
9) Mike Phillips
8) Andy Powell
7) Martyn Williams
6) Jamie Heaslip
5) Donnacha O’Callaghan
4) Paul O’Connell [Capt]
3) Euan Murray
2) Jerry Flannery
1) Andrew Sheridan

Do it for your country you prick!

From time to time I will start off my posts with an interesting question. I suppose my journalistic training has taught me always look for a way to stimulate intelligent thought through creative brilliance. I’m not there yet, but I am pretty feking close!

Right so here is the question of the day: Since when did Cricket South Africa loose every ounce of testosterone in the organisation and become a bunch of SOFT COCKS?

Don’t get me wrong, I am not saying the whole organisation is f’d up. As a matter of fact, it is the only sporting body that actually runs efficiently without a bit of ‘Days of our Lives’ drama in it.

The reason for my gripe, and there is always a reason, is that since when do players run CSA?

I take you back to Australia, where we were on the top of the cricketing world, with a series win in both the long and short version of the game. Fine we lost the two games in the Mickey Mouse version of the game(20/20), but we won the two that counts.

Anyway, we digress. Granted, the win in Australia was huge. Not many teams can go "Down Under" and win like we did. But that doesn’t mean that the South African players can become divas now.

Lets face the facts, Mark Boucher is becoming an old bastard and the time of his departure is on the horizon. In an attempt to prepare for the future Mickey “Mouse” Arthur is vigorously looking for a new ‘keeper. The most likely candidate would be AB de Villiers. But he refused Arthur stating that he wants to be the best batsmen in the world and you cant do that at number seven.

I’m sorry but who the F does he think he is. Since when can you refuse to do something your employer asks? If I refuse to write mining stories Ill get my ass kicked! Like my good friend Bradley Geldenhuys says, they should remove his nipples with a coat hanger, the bastard. I have got nothing against him as a player, he is a bladdy fine batsman. But he should be grateful that he is the team!

And who’s to even say he will bat seven if he keeps wicket? Alec Steward was a top order batsman for England for a number of years, as was Adam Gilchrist for Australia!

Do it for your country you prick!

Same with Ashwell Prince! He should be grateful that he has been given a second lease of life, like Lazarus rising from the dead. Ok fine, he is opening the batting, which he is not accustomed to, but to refuse the captaincy! PURE LUNACY!

His explanation? “The pressures will be too great to open the batting and to captain the side!”

I’m sorry Ashwell, I wasn’t aware that you were picking up your bat in an international for the first time. OH SHIT WAIT YOU AREN'T! ARE YOU?! You are an experienced professional, with 47 test matches to your name.

Do it for your country you prick!

What these people don’t understand is that there are a lot of players in South Africa who would give their left ball-sack to play for the Proteas, and here you have two bitches trying to run the sport! They must just remember: NO ONE IS INDISPENSABLE! NO ONE!

Lets just hope the Boks don’t get diva personalities like these two woman!