Go into Africa and you will learn to appeciate South Africa

All the readers and fans of the Lions Den are probably wondering why the hell I never made my Super 14 predictions last week and have not even mentioned that the Sharks are playing a bit shit at the moment.

After I came back from my holiday in Durban, my company saw it fit to punish me and send me to Zambia for three days to cover a mine opening.

And let me tell you about Zambia. I had fun, I really did, but Zambia is F’D Up. Anyone who complains about South Africa and the way it is becoming should be strung up and be forced to spend 3 days in downtown Lusaka or Solwezi.

I can guaren-damn-te it that they will appreciate South Africa.

The purpose of my visit to Zambia was to attend the opening of Africa’s biggest greenfield copper mining project, the Lumwana project. The schedule was pretty tight with the South African delegation being flown in by charter flights.

So I get to the plane and it’s a 20-seater aircraft that I cant stand upright in! Already not good! Then the seats were so cramped that the armrest was jabbing into my side the whole flight.

Now I don’t trust any plane that dont have jet engines on the wing, so I was a bit concerned when the plane had two outboard propellers. I got stuck at a window that looks onto the wing, and halfway through the flight I notice that there is a F ING LOOSE BOLT ON THE WING! So during a 3 hour flight, I spent 1 ½ hours feking focused on the loose bolt. I was so ready to drop the pilot as soon as we landed!

So we arrive at Lusaka international and there is one plane in the whole airport! I couldn’t believe it. The Fekking place was like Sleepy Hollow! The pilot then tells me that the airport is usually like this with an average of one plane arriving at the airport every three hours. Now lets put this in context, air traffic at OR Thambo averages 15 planes an hour, Harare International 9 planes an hour and Jomo Kenyata , Kenya’s national airport, 7 planes an hour. So one plane every three hours should make Lusaka International the deadest place on earth!

We were put up in the Intercontinental Lusaka, which is the best hotel in the country. It’s a five star hotel which I had one gripe about.

It’s a five star by Zambian Standards, but a three and a half star bed and breakfast by South African standards. However, the Zambians are not scared to charge you bladdy Burj Al Arab (seven star) prices! For a single room where the aircon doesn’t work all the time unless you put your rooms key card in a holder, the fridge is empty, and there aint even a bathrobe to steal the Zambians are charging you $450 a night!

So we whent for dinner the night of our arrival to the Lusaka Sports Club which houses the highly recommended Marlin restaurant. You open the menu and the bastards are charging you 56 000 kwatcha for a T Bone steak. I was interested to see this so I ordered one, and when it came, in true African style, they bring you half a cow on a plate! I wont lie to you this thing must have weighed at least 1 and a half kg.

The only gripe I had about Zambia is the fact that we spent basically 2 ½ days travelling for half a days event! On the Friday we were up at 4:45 am to catch a flight from Lusaka to Solwezi. We arrive at the airport and the bastards had another charter flight waiting for us. This thing was even smaller then the first plane where I basically had to crawl to my seat. The plane had a propeller on the nose of the plane, could only seat 8 people, has a top speed of 80 kms an hour, and a SCOUSE PILOT dragged straight out of the slums of Liverpool! Once we landed in Solwezi we took a bus to Lumwana. Lumwana is in the North Western province of Zambia, which is rural. Driving to the mine brought back memories of my travels to Mozambique in 2004. You see 10 km of F All, then a few huts, then a main street of shops where the whole town congregates.

The event was due to start at 10 am, but it was attended by the Zambian president who had to talk crap to the tribal chiefs for an hour and a half before the thing started. As with all openings, there are a lot of speeches to go through and the speeches were not terribly long, except for the fact they had a interpreter bastard who had to translate every paragraph from English into Thsware!

After the opening it was on the bus again to Solwezi and on the same SCOUSE AIRWAYS charter flight to Lusaka.

One thing that must be said about the Zambians is that they love their president. The pres attended the event which was attended by 1 000 locals with only two bodyguards with gats! In SA the bladdy Minister of Water Affairs and Forestry has a 15 man police escort wherever she goes!

I highly recommend traveling in Africa purely because nowhere else in the world will you get a situation that the beer is cheaper then the cooldrinks!

A bottle of coke, there are very few cans in Zambia, costs you 5 000 kwatcha while a bottle of Mosi beer costs 4 000 kwatcha! I am not a beer drinker! I don’t like the strong bitter taste of the South African beers. But I was in Zambia and had to try a Mosi.

It is actually a nice beer, well rounded and brewed with water from a spring near the Mosi-oa-Tunya, which is Thsware for the Smoke that Thunders, which normal people know as the Victoria Falls!

Here again the Intercontinental Zambia are scaly bastards! At the Safari Bar in the Intercontinental, the beer costs 11 500 kwatcha. So I took a walk in downtown Lusaka at 8 pm to find Mosi beer for 4 000 kwatcha. I found it at the BP garage down the street which sold every liquor available in Zambia. Let me repeat that in bold for you. YOU CAN GO TO A BP GARAGE IN ZAMBIA AND BY ALCOHOL! Imagine how molar the South Africans would get if that were possible here! Warren Jaffer would be in heaven!

Anyway its election day tomorrow! And the Alexandra massive are going to boycott the election because they are upset about RDP houses! Now these people are reasoning like C&*%S! Im sorry to say it, and I apologise too those who take offense to my cussing! But they are reasoning like C&*%S! Instead of using their votes to vote out the African Ninja turtle Congress, they wont vote at all!

ONLY IN SOUTH AFRICA! O.N.L.Y I.N. S.O.U.T.H A.F.R.I.C.A!